Hello Top Chef fans! I’ve been absent the past two weeks (I had Pneumonia, so give me a break) but this week I’m back and ready to rumble recap. So let’s do this…
It’s morning in D.C., and Sweet Gay Arnold is reveling in his previous win. Last week Arnold
The Cheftestants head to the Top Chef kitchen, where they find Tom, Padma, and a bunch of baby toys. Padma states that the Quickfire Challenge is a very “personal” one for both she and Tom.
Quickfire Challenge
Padma explains that she and Tom both have new babies in their lives. So, this weeks Quickfire will be for the chefs to create lunch for Tom and Padma, as well as a pureed “baby food” version of the dish. There will be 2 winners – and each will receive $10,000 (but no immunity).
Sweet Gay Arnold mentions that if he won, he would give the $10,000 to an orphanage in Thailand
Alex, on the other hand, would purchase “a hooker and an 8-ball”. Alex obviously wants to be the Pat O’Brien of culinary world.
Everyone scrambles to complete the challenge. We find out that My Kevin (below) allegedly has a “wife”, who is allegedly “pregnant”. I will be contacting the Maury show for paternity tests, because we all know Kevin and I are destined to be together forever. I don’t know who this “wife” and “unborn child” are, but it is obvious they are frauds – intent upon ruining my happy live with My Kevin. Which is downright evil and hateful and they should be ashamed of themselves.
Now that a few people have been eliminated, it’s the time on Top Chef when they feature some Cheftestants who hadn’t previously gotten much air time. Who knew there was a cute gal named “Tamesha” on the show?!? We also get to know “Lynne”, who looks like Hillary Clinton’s butch dyke cousin – and has the attitude to match. And who in the hell is this “Andrea” person???
Time to taste. My Kevin didn’t get a chance to plate his entire dish, which upsets him because he was dedicating this challenge to his alleged “baby”. Of course maybe he meant “baby” like – “Hey, David baby, could you take my chef’s pants to the cleaners??”. My answer: "Sure Daddy – anything for you!!" Sorry, I’m getting a little carried away…
Anywhore – Tom announces the results:
No Likee: Timothy (overcooked lamb), Alex (roasted breast of hooker with a light crack sauce) and My Kevin (why is the world against us, Daddy?!?!).
Likee: LesbiLynne, Tamesha, Angelo and Kenny. Tamesha and Kenny win the $10,000. They are both PSYCHED, Tamesha because of the money (hooker and 8-ball time!!) and Kenny because he beat his arch-rival Angelo.
Elimination Challenge
Some woman from Hilton Hotels comes in to announce the elimination challenge. The Cheftestants will be creating a new signature dish for Hilton. The dish must be healthy, sophisticated, easily executable, Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, and Reverent. Sorry, I think I just jumped ahead to next week’s “Make A Dish For The Boy Scouts” challenge.
They will work in teams of two and will compete “tournament style” in breakfast, lunch and dinner rounds. The winners of each round will be safe, and will not have to compete in the next round. The loser of the final (dinner) round will be going home – meaning this is a double-elimination.
Everyone pairs up, and former coke-snorter and pill-popper Amanda notices that no one wants to work with her and some dude named Stephen. Since she is a former substance abuser, I’m just glad Amanda didn’t pick “Hooker and an 8-Ball” Alex to work with. Here are the teams:
Amanda/Stephen – “Team Outcast”: see above.
Tiffany/Tim – “Team Tiffany”: Tiffany recognizes that Tim has been in the bottom a lot, so she’s going to be on top team leader.
Lynne/Arnold – “Team Rainbow”: Sparkly (Arnold
“Team White Girl”: I don’t know their names, all white girls look alike to me.
Alex/Ed – “Team Personality”: Oy, these two couldn’t charm their way out of an open paper bag with holes in it!
Angelo/Tamesha – “Team Tamaeshangelo”
Kenny/My Kevin – “Team Big Daddy”. OMG – did you happen to see all the manly muscles rippling underneath Kenny’s t-shirt in Whole Foods?!? {{{fanning self}}} I may need my fainting couch! Uncle Peter, bring me my smelling salts!!!
The Cheftestants have 30 minutes to cook breakfast. The judging panel is announced, and it contains the usual suspects, plus some lady chef, the Hilton honcho, Spike of the Many Hats, that butthead Mike from last season, and the brother of the dude who won last time. You know who I mean – the quiet guy.
The chefs serve and the judges judge. And Team Outcast and Team Tiffany end up safe.
Now it’s time for the lunch round. They have 45 minutes to prepare. Kenny is pissed that he is still cooking and not safe. Some white girl is using canned beans. And Alex and Ed are doing something called a Gnudi, which I’m sure Alex chose because it sounds like “nudie”.
The chefs serve again, and the judges judge again. This time Team Tameshangelo and Team Personality are safe. It seems the Nudie worked out nicely for Team Personality.
This leaves Team Rainbow, Team White Girl, and Team Big Daddy to compete in the dinner round. Kenny is PISSED. Lynne is PISSED. The white girls are really, really, like UPSET by this whole, like, THING. And Sweet Gay Arnold is thinking of that Luis Vuitton makeup bag he hopes to get for Christmas. Keep your eyes on the prize, girl!
The bitter Cheftestants hit the bitter Top Chef kitchen to cook their bitter dinners for the judges. Team Bitter Big Daddy and Team Bitter White Girl both prepare short rib dishes, while Team Bitter Rainbow does some kind of Squid Ink pasta something with mussels or somesuch nastiness. All I know is, when I am staying at a Hilton hotel and call for hungover room service, “Squid Ink Pasta” is NOT something I’d be ordering. In fact, if I saw that on the menu, my NEXT call would be to housekeeping for a vomit clean-up.
The teams finish, serve the judges, and head to the no-longer-Glad storage room. Padma calls in all three dinner teams, and announces that one of them will have the winning Hilton signature dish, and one team will go home.
Judging:
Team Big Daddy – Short ribs needed more sauce.
Team White Girl – Short ribs had right amount of sauce.
Team Rainbow – Squid ink pasta?? Homosaywhat?!?
In the end, Team White Girl wins the challenge, and each of the chefs wins a trip...
And, unfortunately, Team Rainbow gets sent away quicker than an undocumented worker in Arizona
