Last week on Top Chef, crabs were quickfired (we also found out Angelo once had THE CRABS – and they were "painful"), Big Daddy Kenny won the Elimination Challenge, and D.C. Tim went home – much to his surprise and amazement (but to no one else’s). They really ARE out-of-touch in Washington, aren’t they?
Many thanks to The Minx for pinch-hitting for me last week.
It’s the dawning of a new day in the nation’s capital, and Angelo reveals that the departed Tim was a “Father Figure” in the house. Yes, but will Tim “be the one who loves you … till the end of time”. I wonder if Angelo ever put his tiny hand in Tim’s Preacher Teacher hands?? Did they lay bold and naked at each other’s sides (in their bunkbeds)?? Sorry, I need to stop listening to my George Michael CD’s…
Anywhore, the Cheftestants roll into the Top Chef kitchen, only to encounter an alarming and frightening sight. No, I’m not talking about the weird and exotic proteins laying out on the table; I’m talking about Chef Michelle Bernstein (below). Ever since her first appearance on Top Chef, I have disliked Chef Bernstein immensely for some reason. Maybe it’s because she seems to enjoy directing stanky comments toward the Cheftestants without any wit or personality (a la Bourdain) to back them up. Or maybe it’s the fact that she usually mentions that she is “Latina” within the first 20 seconds of being introduced (although she didn’t come out as a Wise Latina last night … hmmmmmm???). I guess I can’t completely explain it, but if Michelle Bernstein and I were in a nightclub, I would SOOOOOO “accidentally” spill my drink on her lame Charter Club dress while busting my moves on the dance floor. Trust.
And it turns out I am not alone. Andrea, who is a Miami chef like Ms. Bernstein, can’t stand the Ho either. Apparently there is some rivalry there – and Andrea doesn’t like the idea of her rival judging her. Andrea and Michelle are the Bette Davis and Joan Crawford of Miami cuisine.
Back to the Quickfire. Chefs pull knives to determine in which order they can pick from this mess of nasty meat and eggs. Alex picks first (fois gras), and Crackhead (sorry, FORMER Crackhead) Amanda picks last (Emu eggs). Angelo selects duck “white kidneys”, which are in fact NOT kidneys. That’s right; he unknowingly (??) went straight (??) for the Duck Balls.
In an aside, Ed admits to being extremely “familiar” with Duck Balls, which he handled every night in Chef Todd English’s kitchen. Why does that not surprise me?…
The Chefs try to figure out how to make this crap edible, and begin to prepare their dishes. Just when they start to get into the groove, Padma enter the kitchen and tells everyone to Do-Si-Do one station to the left and take over what their next-door neighbor was cooking. Amanda, who is having troubling cracking (get it … CRACKING??? … sorry) her Emu eggs, is more than happy to get rid of them and passes them off to Kelly, who decides to make an omelet. And My Kevin now has Angelo’s testicles, much to his chagrin (too easy).
Utensils Down, Hand’s Up Biatches!
Padma and La Bernstein sample the dishes, and of course Joan Crawford Bernstein has to lay some stank on Andrea for her “chewy” wild boar (after faintly praising the flavor, natch). In the end, Michelle no likee Stephen’s “insipid” (is that even a proper word to critique food with??) frogs legs, Alex’s dry “Ostrich a la Sahara”, and – naturally – whatever Andrea did because those two Ho’s can’t stand each other. Andrea could have created culinary sunshine and rainbows (AKA an Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich), and Bernstein would have still pretended to gag. Biatch.
The top three were Kelly, Tamesha and Amanda – and Kelly wins the Quickfire, and immunity, for her Emu Omelet (Emelet??)
Elimination Challenge
The Elimination Challenge this week is lame – Make a Cold Dish. Seriously. So the Top Chef producers tried to liven it up by putting a Washington, D.C. “Cold War” spin on it. Which means the Cheftestants planned their menus on a boat where Nixon used to lock himself in the bathroom and scream obscenities, and JFK used to bang starlets conduct presidential business. It was all very unnecessary.
The Cheftestants were divided “randomly” (via knife pull) into two teams. “Coincidentally”, archrivals Kenny and Angelo end up on opposite teams. Each team will cook for the other, and the Cheftestants themselves will select who will be in the top and bottom. Then the judges will make the final decision on the winner and the chef who is sent home.
After the unnecessary cruise-to-nowhere, the Cheftestants do the Whole Foods Shuffle (note, Angelo thinks Salmon is “sexy”), and then head to the Top Chef Kitchen.
Andrea is still freaked out about Michelle Bernstein (she makes us ALL a little nauseous honey, it’s not just you), and Kenny has been possessed by the ghost of Richard Nixon (he should have never gotten on that boat) and is convinced everyone is out to get him. Is “Paranoia” a dish best served cold also??
My Kevin has decided to do a “Surf & Turf” with “bold flavors” blah, blah, blah – whatever honey, just keep being your same big burly adorable self. Kenny has decided to do his dish “two ways” – does he ever do anything just one way? Kenny wants the judges to get a “lump in their throats” when they taste it. As long as it doesn’t require the Heimlich Maneuver.
Angelo is “helping” his teammates, especially his “friend” Tamesha – but he readily admits to playing “tactical games”. Side note: Angelo just gets less and less likable and more and more gross every week, doesn’t he. And then there's that whole THE CRABS! thing.
The next day the Cheftestants head to the venue to prepare their dishes. Team Kenny (I can’t remember if it’s Team A or Team B) cooks/presents first. Wait, did Kenny just refer to himself as a “stud”?? Ok, I have to agree on that one.
The judges and Team Angelo arrive and sit down to eat and judge. As each dish is presented, Angelo and the rest of his team talk about it like it was picked out of a KFC dumpster. And, naturally, they choose Kenny as the one who is up for elimination, but they also pick My Kevin as the best dish. And what a "dish" he is!
Weird between-the-commercials scene: Ed and Angelo used to date the same girl in college. Did she look like a salmon? Does this have anything to do with THE CRABS?? Why won’t they answer the important questions???
Back to the action. Team Angelo is now cooking, and Team Kenny has cleaned up and is ready to judge. I must say, Team Kenny seemed much fairer in their assessments of their peers, and Tiffany is chosen as the top, and Tamesha is on the bottom.
Now, if there is ANYONE who thinks they will get rid of multiple-winning “stud” Kenny in favor of Tamesha, then there is a big statue of a lady in New York Harbor I’d be interested in selling you.
The judges speak to My Kevin and Tiffany, and My Kevin wins the challenge. In sad news, Kevin also wins a Hawaiian vacation – but instead of taking me, announces he’s taking his “wife” instead. Unfair!
The judges then speak to Kenny and Tamesha to “determine” who is going home. I have to hand it to Stanky Bernstein – she was able to make Kenny’s dish sound almost bad enough to send him home, saying if she had to talk about everything she didn’t like it would take until the end of the show. At least the Biatch is consistent.
Finally, in the most UNSHOCKING OUTCOME IN THE HISTORY OF TOP CHEF (sorry, I’m channeling Lifetime’s Project Runway), Tamesha is sent home for her “shockingly bad” scallops.
And, as we all know, “Dees Eeesn’t da Top – a – Scallop, Dees ees da Top Chef”. When will they ever learn???
