Welcome back!! After what seemed like an eternity, Top Chef finally returned last night. Now is usually when I mention what happened during the previous episode – but the last episode was so lame that I’m not going to talk about it. It was so pitiful that Bravo didn’t even repeat it before the new episode last night. And if BRAVO won’t repeat it, you just know that is some lame stankness. Bravo is still repeating Step It Up and Dance, for goodness sake.
It’s morning in Brooklyn, and the Cheftestants are showing their signature personalities. Fabio is being adorable and talking Italo-Gibberish, Eugene woke up “pissed off” (natch), The Lesbian is in a “bad mood” (natch), Stefan of Finland is superior to everyone else, and The Hose thinks it’s just a hunky-dory-a-ok morning (because he won the last challenge). They also show some chick named “Melissa”, who must have just arrived on the show because I don’t think I’ve ever seen her before.
Quickfire Challenge:
Padma welcomes the Cheftestants to the Top Chef Kitchen, and introduces the guest judge, Frenchie Jean-Christophe Novelli. Novelli JUST SO HAPPENS to have an upcoming show on Bravo – which will run in repeats until the fall of 2018 (along with Step It Up and Dance). Novelli is some big-deal pastry chef, which immediately makes everybody wetfart in their chef pants. Apparently most of the Cheftestants have never even made a Duncan Hines chocolate cake – let along a fancy “dessert”.
Padma informs them that The “Diet Dr. Pepper Challenge” (huh?!?) will require the Cheftestants to create a “sweet treat” without using any sugar. They have 45 minutes.
I have one word of advice: Splenda. It’s made from sugar, so it tastes like sugar. Don’t these bitches watch TV?
There must not be any Splenda (or Equal, or Sugar Twin, or Sweet-n-Low) in the Top Chef Kitchen, because everyone seems to be in a panic. Jamie doesn’t make any desserts at her restaurant – Café de Lesbos – her menu is all fish (even for dessert). Stefan thinks Hosea is making “green vomit”, and Crazy Carla is trying to mint money by making “Chocolate Coins”. Cha-ching!
Ariane – The Jersey Juggernaut – gets into the spirit of the challenge by saying “Diet Dr. Pepper” at least 40 million times. Ariane is making some kind of crepe, but she pronounces it “crap”, which is probably a more fitting term for a dish which contains Diet Dr. Pepper.
At least Jeff is feeling confident. He notes that his restaurant in body-conscious South Beach features many sugar-free desserts.
Utensils down, hands up BITCHES!!!
Padma and Monsieur Desserté taste the results. Novelli no likee Fabio’s tart – which Fabio dismisses as France vs. Italy rivalry. Eugene made “Lumpia”, which just sounds nasty. The new girl, Melissa, made some sort of burrito. And Radhika did a bread pudding with whole wheat Challah bread. Holla for Challah!!
Stefan tries to suck up to Chef Pepé le Pew by speaking French and pretending he’s from France. This makes Stefan’s boyfriend Fabio roll his eyes. Ever since Stefan professed his love for The Lesbian, a distance has grown between the Europeans. Maybe there is some on-the-couch “make-up sex” in their future.
Ariane’s crepe/crap is so bad that Frenchie won’t even taste part of it. Doesn’t he know that Ariane is from New Jersey! Martha Stewart and Kathy Lee Gifford LOVE HER!! Friggin’ French bastard…
Finally, they show an upset Carla. Her bananas never froze properly (her chocolate coins did – but she’s going to spend those later), so she wasn’t able to make the dessert she had planned. Carla tells us that she tends to show her emotions on her face, so PadFrench knew she wasn’t happy. If Carla wears her emotions on her face, then exactly what is THIS emotion?...
Surprise? Terror? Complete Insanity??
Anywhoo, Monsieur Novelli likee Radhika, Leah, and Jeff’s desserts. He no likee Carla, Ariane, and Jamie.
Radhika is announced as the winner. She will have immunity for the second time. Holla for Challah!!!
Padma informs the Cheftestants that they have a new judge, British aristocrat Toby Young – Sir Loin of Beef. They will learn more about their challenge, and meet the new guy tomorrow.
When everyone gets back to the apartments, Eugene gets the “loser edit” by talking about how much he misses his family before speaking to them on a T-Mobile Sidekick. In the world of Bravo: Missing Your Family + Speaking To Family On Sponsor Cell Phone = GOING HOME. I fear it will be “Aloha” for Hawaiian Gene.
The next morning Tom Colicchio enters the guy’s apartment – and Fabio immediately gets nervous. What is it with Fabio and Tom? Fabio is sweating like the only Hooker at a Shriners Convention, because Tom can see that the apartment is a mess. Tom isn’t doing an inspection, calm down! Fabio runs and gets the gals, and Tom addresses the entire group.
Colicchio explains that because of the new judge, the Cheftestants can cook whatever they want for the Elimination Challenge. They will be cooking a family-style dish for 12 people – and there are no limits. Furthermore, the judges will “judge blind”, meaning that they will not know who prepared each dish. And at least one of the judges will “judge stoned” – but that’s normal. Since no one went home during the last lame-ass episode, TWO chefs will go home this week.
They pull knives and divide into the A and B teams. Each team will shop, cook, and present separately because of the small kitchen they will be cooking in.
Team A (Melissa, Eugene, Jamie, Radhika, Fabio and Hosea) go shopping first. They have 30 minutes and $100 at Whole Foods. Melissa is doing Fish Tacos, and Radhika is doing her world-famous Crab Bisque. Eugene is going to cook whole Snapper with Daikon in a Tomato/Basil sauce. Jamie points out that Daikon is a radish, and Eugene’s dish sounds “weird”.
Team A finishes shopping and heads to the kitchen. As they show Fabio making homemade pasta, they (of course) play Italian music in the background – like a Chef Boy-Ar-Dee commercial. And as usual, Fabio talks about his Grandmother and her 500-year-old recipes. Or maybe is Grandma is 500 years old, I can’t tell. He’s also cooking lambchops in a bag. Or maybe his 500-year-old Grandma is an old bag. I don’t know WHAT Fabio is saying, but whatever it is, it’s adorable.
Time for Group B (Jeff, Carla, Stefan, Leah, Ariane, Jamie) to go shopping. Jeff remarks that this challenge should be easy for him, because he cooks “family-style” at his restaurant in South Beach all the time. Did you ever notice that Jeff says this about every kind of food, and every cooking situation imaginable. Where does Jeff work, at a Food Court??
If Jeff cooks every dish, in every way, every single day – then why can’t PrettyBoy win any challenges??
Anywhoo, Carla has decided to slow her shopping experience down, and listen to her intuition (AKA “Spirit Guides”). She comes to a complete halt near the olive oil and declares the “the love has to start here”. Yeah, a lot of my “love” starts with the oils also.
Back in the kitchen, Group A is finishing up their dishes. Jamie is doing scallops (again), so she can prove to the judges that she can cook them correctly (she screwed up last time). Fabio announces that the show is not “Top Scallop”, but Jamie seems to cook scallops for every challenge.
They then move to Eugene, who claims he is the “Top Dog” of being creative. Wait a minute – does the ASPCA know about this?? Do they eat Collie in Hawaii?? Lassie – don’t come home!!!
Fabio is plating his lamb dish, and he is shocked that his boil-in-the-bag lamb is undercooked. So shocked, that his “Jar Drop” (AKA “Jaw drops”). “Eetsa notta gonna be gud”.
The judges sit down, and Group B is surprised to learn that THEY will also be judging Group A’s food (and vice versa) – along with the usual judges.
When Group A sees that Group B will be judging their food, they are truly shocked. So shocked, that Melissa says her “Jall drops” (AKA “Jaw drops”). Why can’t these people pronounce J-A-W?
Group A gets to watch their food being critiqued on a large monitor back in the kitchen. Fabio remarks that Stefan of Finland is even uglier on TV. Those girls need to kiss and make up soon.
Toby Young, Sir Milk of Magnesia, does not disappoint. He claims that he has found “the weapons of mass destruction” in Radhika’s crab bisque. Luckily she has immunity – like Osama bin Laden. And every time Toby makes a smart remark, Tom Colicchio sort of rolls his eyes. Tom misses Gail and her Boobies like I do.
Of Group A, the judges really seem to likee Jamie’s “Top Scallops”, and they didn’t like Eugene’s “Top Dog/Snapper”. Toby compares Melissa’s Fish Tacos to cat food. I take exception to that – I would never feed my cat anything prepared by Melissa.
It’s now time for Group B to cook. They think they have the advantage, because they now know that Toby Young is a pretentious bitch – and can prepare accordingly. Um, I just looked at his PICTURE last week, and I could tell that. Besides, what could they do to please Toby at this point besides hire some Footmen and break out the Royal Fingerbowls?
Stefan is making a duck dish, and exclaims “Tiny Breasts!” – which is also his pet name for Jamie. Stefan then talks about how his dish comes from the Czech Republic, where he was born, but then he talks about Southern Germans and Austrians. I thought he was from Finland? How many nationalities does this guy have??
Leah is doing something fried on top of something fried. Ariane is doing a Skate wing – which is nasty. I don’t want to eat anything that looks like it could suck my blood…
Crazy Carla is doing Scallops over Risotto – with “layers of flavor and love”. I wonder if you can ask for the love on the side?
Group B’s food is served, and Group A gets to sit down and critique it with the judges. Jamie hates everything, and predicts that she is “definitely winning” this challenge. She says that almost as much as Jeff says that he has cooked every recipe, in every cookbook, forever. And Jamie never wins anything either.
Stefan’s Duck and Dumplings (Tiny Breasts!) are not Toby’s favorite, but Chef Tom REALLY likee. On the other hand, Tom hates Jeff’s Trio of EverythingForever – but Toby thinks it’s wonderful. I would pay good money to see Tom stand up and smack the Simon Cowell out of Toby’s wiseass.
The judges seem to likee Ariane’s Skate, but no likee Carla’s love-infused Scallops. Service is over, and it’s time for the Judges Table.
The Cheftestants gather in the Diet Dr. Pepper/Not-So-Glad Storage Room and await word. Padma asks to see Ariane, Stefan, and Jamie. These are the top three.
Tom talks about how much he loved Stefan’s dish, and Toby remarks that the dish is “unmistakably German”. I thought it was from the Czech Republic? Ever since the European Union was formed I can’t keep track of who’s who. Toby also remarks that he has eaten this dish many times with other men in a cabin in the Alps, but I think he just described one of the “Aspen” gay porn movies from Falcon Studios in the 80’s.
After some more discussion, Jamie is announced as the winner. Unfortunately she doesn’t win any prizes (cookbooks, etc) because she is a Lesbian and is going to Hell.
Jamie returns to the Room of Gloom and calls for Melissa, Eugene and Carla – the bottom three. Toby Young gets to be a snitty bitch and tell these people – AGAIN – how horrible their dishes were. Melissa claims that she “enjoyed” hearing that her fish tacos tasted like cat food, which makes Tom Colicchio’s jar … er … jall … no … JAW drop.
After discussing their gross dishes, Padma asks the bottom three if they have anything else to say. Eugene thinks he was “too creative” (yeah, right) and Melissa claims that she shouldn’t go home because she still has to show the judges how fabulously creative she is. Obviously Melissa was holding back during the first SEVEN episodes.
But Carla’s final plea is one of the most ass-kicking things ever said on this show. Remember now – Carla made a Scallop dish, garnished with risotto. Carla states:
“If you take the Scallops off the dish, it would be perfect.” Yep, if she would have only done the Love-Infused Risotto, she would be the winner of this challenge. That’s like saying if you just took the Two All-Beef Patties off a Big Mac, it would be the perfect burger. My Jar just dropped when I heard that.
The judges deliberate – and Melissa, Eugene and Carla are called back in. Melissa is told to pack her knives and go, and so is Eugene. Carla is safe.
At the end, Melissa still claims she has imagination but didn’t get the chance to show it. Yeah, fourteen challenges – 7 quickfires and 7 eliminations – just aren’t enough. Melissa is jall-droppingly lame.
Eugene, ever the poet, quotes Confucius on the way out by saying:
“When the booze is gone, it’s time to move on.” The booze is all gone baby … all gone.
It’s morning in Brooklyn, and the Cheftestants are showing their signature personalities. Fabio is being adorable and talking Italo-Gibberish, Eugene woke up “pissed off” (natch), The Lesbian is in a “bad mood” (natch), Stefan of Finland is superior to everyone else, and The Hose thinks it’s just a hunky-dory-a-ok morning (because he won the last challenge). They also show some chick named “Melissa”, who must have just arrived on the show because I don’t think I’ve ever seen her before.
Quickfire Challenge:
Padma welcomes the Cheftestants to the Top Chef Kitchen, and introduces the guest judge, Frenchie Jean-Christophe Novelli. Novelli JUST SO HAPPENS to have an upcoming show on Bravo – which will run in repeats until the fall of 2018 (along with Step It Up and Dance). Novelli is some big-deal pastry chef, which immediately makes everybody wetfart in their chef pants. Apparently most of the Cheftestants have never even made a Duncan Hines chocolate cake – let along a fancy “dessert”.
Padma informs them that The “Diet Dr. Pepper Challenge” (huh?!?) will require the Cheftestants to create a “sweet treat” without using any sugar. They have 45 minutes.
I have one word of advice: Splenda. It’s made from sugar, so it tastes like sugar. Don’t these bitches watch TV?
There must not be any Splenda (or Equal, or Sugar Twin, or Sweet-n-Low) in the Top Chef Kitchen, because everyone seems to be in a panic. Jamie doesn’t make any desserts at her restaurant – Café de Lesbos – her menu is all fish (even for dessert). Stefan thinks Hosea is making “green vomit”, and Crazy Carla is trying to mint money by making “Chocolate Coins”. Cha-ching!
Ariane – The Jersey Juggernaut – gets into the spirit of the challenge by saying “Diet Dr. Pepper” at least 40 million times. Ariane is making some kind of crepe, but she pronounces it “crap”, which is probably a more fitting term for a dish which contains Diet Dr. Pepper.
At least Jeff is feeling confident. He notes that his restaurant in body-conscious South Beach features many sugar-free desserts.
Utensils down, hands up BITCHES!!!
Padma and Monsieur Desserté taste the results. Novelli no likee Fabio’s tart – which Fabio dismisses as France vs. Italy rivalry. Eugene made “Lumpia”, which just sounds nasty. The new girl, Melissa, made some sort of burrito. And Radhika did a bread pudding with whole wheat Challah bread. Holla for Challah!!
Stefan tries to suck up to Chef Pepé le Pew by speaking French and pretending he’s from France. This makes Stefan’s boyfriend Fabio roll his eyes. Ever since Stefan professed his love for The Lesbian, a distance has grown between the Europeans. Maybe there is some on-the-couch “make-up sex” in their future.
Ariane’s crepe/crap is so bad that Frenchie won’t even taste part of it. Doesn’t he know that Ariane is from New Jersey! Martha Stewart and Kathy Lee Gifford LOVE HER!! Friggin’ French bastard…
Finally, they show an upset Carla. Her bananas never froze properly (her chocolate coins did – but she’s going to spend those later), so she wasn’t able to make the dessert she had planned. Carla tells us that she tends to show her emotions on her face, so PadFrench knew she wasn’t happy. If Carla wears her emotions on her face, then exactly what is THIS emotion?...
Surprise? Terror? Complete Insanity??
Anywhoo, Monsieur Novelli likee Radhika, Leah, and Jeff’s desserts. He no likee Carla, Ariane, and Jamie.
Radhika is announced as the winner. She will have immunity for the second time. Holla for Challah!!!
Padma informs the Cheftestants that they have a new judge, British aristocrat Toby Young – Sir Loin of Beef. They will learn more about their challenge, and meet the new guy tomorrow.
When everyone gets back to the apartments, Eugene gets the “loser edit” by talking about how much he misses his family before speaking to them on a T-Mobile Sidekick. In the world of Bravo: Missing Your Family + Speaking To Family On Sponsor Cell Phone = GOING HOME. I fear it will be “Aloha” for Hawaiian Gene.
The next morning Tom Colicchio enters the guy’s apartment – and Fabio immediately gets nervous. What is it with Fabio and Tom? Fabio is sweating like the only Hooker at a Shriners Convention, because Tom can see that the apartment is a mess. Tom isn’t doing an inspection, calm down! Fabio runs and gets the gals, and Tom addresses the entire group.
Colicchio explains that because of the new judge, the Cheftestants can cook whatever they want for the Elimination Challenge. They will be cooking a family-style dish for 12 people – and there are no limits. Furthermore, the judges will “judge blind”, meaning that they will not know who prepared each dish. And at least one of the judges will “judge stoned” – but that’s normal. Since no one went home during the last lame-ass episode, TWO chefs will go home this week.
They pull knives and divide into the A and B teams. Each team will shop, cook, and present separately because of the small kitchen they will be cooking in.
Team A (Melissa, Eugene, Jamie, Radhika, Fabio and Hosea) go shopping first. They have 30 minutes and $100 at Whole Foods. Melissa is doing Fish Tacos, and Radhika is doing her world-famous Crab Bisque. Eugene is going to cook whole Snapper with Daikon in a Tomato/Basil sauce. Jamie points out that Daikon is a radish, and Eugene’s dish sounds “weird”.
Team A finishes shopping and heads to the kitchen. As they show Fabio making homemade pasta, they (of course) play Italian music in the background – like a Chef Boy-Ar-Dee commercial. And as usual, Fabio talks about his Grandmother and her 500-year-old recipes. Or maybe is Grandma is 500 years old, I can’t tell. He’s also cooking lambchops in a bag. Or maybe his 500-year-old Grandma is an old bag. I don’t know WHAT Fabio is saying, but whatever it is, it’s adorable.
Time for Group B (Jeff, Carla, Stefan, Leah, Ariane, Jamie) to go shopping. Jeff remarks that this challenge should be easy for him, because he cooks “family-style” at his restaurant in South Beach all the time. Did you ever notice that Jeff says this about every kind of food, and every cooking situation imaginable. Where does Jeff work, at a Food Court??
If Jeff cooks every dish, in every way, every single day – then why can’t PrettyBoy win any challenges??
Anywhoo, Carla has decided to slow her shopping experience down, and listen to her intuition (AKA “Spirit Guides”). She comes to a complete halt near the olive oil and declares the “the love has to start here”. Yeah, a lot of my “love” starts with the oils also.
Back in the kitchen, Group A is finishing up their dishes. Jamie is doing scallops (again), so she can prove to the judges that she can cook them correctly (she screwed up last time). Fabio announces that the show is not “Top Scallop”, but Jamie seems to cook scallops for every challenge.
They then move to Eugene, who claims he is the “Top Dog” of being creative. Wait a minute – does the ASPCA know about this?? Do they eat Collie in Hawaii?? Lassie – don’t come home!!!
Fabio is plating his lamb dish, and he is shocked that his boil-in-the-bag lamb is undercooked. So shocked, that his “Jar Drop” (AKA “Jaw drops”). “Eetsa notta gonna be gud”.
The judges sit down, and Group B is surprised to learn that THEY will also be judging Group A’s food (and vice versa) – along with the usual judges.
When Group A sees that Group B will be judging their food, they are truly shocked. So shocked, that Melissa says her “Jall drops” (AKA “Jaw drops”). Why can’t these people pronounce J-A-W?
Group A gets to watch their food being critiqued on a large monitor back in the kitchen. Fabio remarks that Stefan of Finland is even uglier on TV. Those girls need to kiss and make up soon.
Toby Young, Sir Milk of Magnesia, does not disappoint. He claims that he has found “the weapons of mass destruction” in Radhika’s crab bisque. Luckily she has immunity – like Osama bin Laden. And every time Toby makes a smart remark, Tom Colicchio sort of rolls his eyes. Tom misses Gail and her Boobies like I do.
Of Group A, the judges really seem to likee Jamie’s “Top Scallops”, and they didn’t like Eugene’s “Top Dog/Snapper”. Toby compares Melissa’s Fish Tacos to cat food. I take exception to that – I would never feed my cat anything prepared by Melissa.
It’s now time for Group B to cook. They think they have the advantage, because they now know that Toby Young is a pretentious bitch – and can prepare accordingly. Um, I just looked at his PICTURE last week, and I could tell that. Besides, what could they do to please Toby at this point besides hire some Footmen and break out the Royal Fingerbowls?
Stefan is making a duck dish, and exclaims “Tiny Breasts!” – which is also his pet name for Jamie. Stefan then talks about how his dish comes from the Czech Republic, where he was born, but then he talks about Southern Germans and Austrians. I thought he was from Finland? How many nationalities does this guy have??
Leah is doing something fried on top of something fried. Ariane is doing a Skate wing – which is nasty. I don’t want to eat anything that looks like it could suck my blood…
Crazy Carla is doing Scallops over Risotto – with “layers of flavor and love”. I wonder if you can ask for the love on the side?
Group B’s food is served, and Group A gets to sit down and critique it with the judges. Jamie hates everything, and predicts that she is “definitely winning” this challenge. She says that almost as much as Jeff says that he has cooked every recipe, in every cookbook, forever. And Jamie never wins anything either.
Stefan’s Duck and Dumplings (Tiny Breasts!) are not Toby’s favorite, but Chef Tom REALLY likee. On the other hand, Tom hates Jeff’s Trio of EverythingForever – but Toby thinks it’s wonderful. I would pay good money to see Tom stand up and smack the Simon Cowell out of Toby’s wiseass.
The judges seem to likee Ariane’s Skate, but no likee Carla’s love-infused Scallops. Service is over, and it’s time for the Judges Table.
The Cheftestants gather in the Diet Dr. Pepper/Not-So-Glad Storage Room and await word. Padma asks to see Ariane, Stefan, and Jamie. These are the top three.
Tom talks about how much he loved Stefan’s dish, and Toby remarks that the dish is “unmistakably German”. I thought it was from the Czech Republic? Ever since the European Union was formed I can’t keep track of who’s who. Toby also remarks that he has eaten this dish many times with other men in a cabin in the Alps, but I think he just described one of the “Aspen” gay porn movies from Falcon Studios in the 80’s.
After some more discussion, Jamie is announced as the winner. Unfortunately she doesn’t win any prizes (cookbooks, etc) because she is a Lesbian and is going to Hell.
Jamie returns to the Room of Gloom and calls for Melissa, Eugene and Carla – the bottom three. Toby Young gets to be a snitty bitch and tell these people – AGAIN – how horrible their dishes were. Melissa claims that she “enjoyed” hearing that her fish tacos tasted like cat food, which makes Tom Colicchio’s jar … er … jall … no … JAW drop.
After discussing their gross dishes, Padma asks the bottom three if they have anything else to say. Eugene thinks he was “too creative” (yeah, right) and Melissa claims that she shouldn’t go home because she still has to show the judges how fabulously creative she is. Obviously Melissa was holding back during the first SEVEN episodes.
But Carla’s final plea is one of the most ass-kicking things ever said on this show. Remember now – Carla made a Scallop dish, garnished with risotto. Carla states:
“If you take the Scallops off the dish, it would be perfect.” Yep, if she would have only done the Love-Infused Risotto, she would be the winner of this challenge. That’s like saying if you just took the Two All-Beef Patties off a Big Mac, it would be the perfect burger. My Jar just dropped when I heard that.
The judges deliberate – and Melissa, Eugene and Carla are called back in. Melissa is told to pack her knives and go, and so is Eugene. Carla is safe.
At the end, Melissa still claims she has imagination but didn’t get the chance to show it. Yeah, fourteen challenges – 7 quickfires and 7 eliminations – just aren’t enough. Melissa is jall-droppingly lame.
Eugene, ever the poet, quotes Confucius on the way out by saying:
“When the booze is gone, it’s time to move on.” The booze is all gone baby … all gone.
Next week. Padma and Hung! Fabio likes pigs! Jamie and Stefan fight!
