On last week’s Top Chef, we were introduced to Gail’s replacement at the Judge’s Table – English twit Toby Young – the Duke of Earl. LesbiJamie finally won a challenge, and Eugene and someone named Melissa packed their knives and went. Read my recap HERE.
It’s morning in BillyBurg (that’s Williamsburg, Brooklyn to you tourists) and we see the Cheftestants preparing for another day. The producers are still trying to sell Jeff as the shirtless beefcake of the season – but I still ain’t buying. Fabio must be "flabbio", because they never show him shirtless – but he is still cuter than Jeff.
Speaking of guys I don’t want to see shirtless – Hosea is wearing an "I ♥ Padma" t-shirt, which is supposed to be ironic, but only manages to be moronic. Hosea mumbles something about how much he hates Stefan, and how much he loves his “buddy” Leah. And by “buddy”, he means “that horny nympho who is all up on my jock but I’m too much of a wuss to hit it”.
They head over to the Top Chef Kitchen to find Padma alongside Season 3 winner Hung Huynh. I had no idea Hung’s last name, “Huynh,” was pronounced “win”. Was it always that way, or did he change it after he won Season 3? If you ask me, it should be pronounced “Huh???” Which is exactly what I said when that bastard won. I am not a fan.
PadHung is standing next to a display of some kind – which is covered by a white drop cloth. Flabbio thinks it is an aquarium because of Hung’s love of fish (did you hear Fabio pronounce “aquarium”? – priceless!). But Fabio is wrong – Padma reveals a table of canned and jarred crap – Hormel chili, Spam, and everything else you can buy at discount prices during Shop Rite’s “Can-Can” Sale. Jeff refers to the collection as a “pile of garbage”, but I would call it “dinner”. Give me some delicious canned Hormel chili any day!
Their challenge is to create a “delicious dish” using “cupboard and pantry staples” in 15 minutes. Ready, set … GO!
Everyone rushes to the table-o-crap and grabs and growls. Wussy Hosea begs Fabio for a jar of artichokes (no way, Ho-say…a) and finally gets some peas and Spam after whining that “you guys are killing me!”. Mary, please. Radhika probably weighs 110 pounds soaking wet – and although Carla is 7 feet tall, she probably weighs less than that. Why can’t big, burly Hosea muscle his way into the canned goods of his choice? Grow a pair!
During their preparation, most of the Cheftestants say some snobby chef crap about how they wouldn’t be caught DEAD using canned ingredients … blah, blah, blah. Get over it. You wouldn’t be caught dead drinking Diet Dr. Pepper either – but you monkeys sure jumped through that hoop last time, didn’t you?
As time is winding down, Stefan of Finland needs a little more Spam for his dish, and asks Hosea if he can have some of his leftovers. The Hose is still mad that Stefan’s “boyfriend Fabio” (Hosea’s term) didn’t share the artichokes with him (cue sympathetic violins). But Wussy Hosea (“Wussea”?) relents and gives his meat to Stefan.
Padma and Hung taste all the dishes. Hung, who has the personality of a case of Turtlewax, gives a few one-word statements (“crunchy”, “interesting”) and then announces the results.
Hung no likee the ladies - Leah’s breakfast, Radhika’s dip, and Jamie’s bruschetta – they are on the bottom. So much for loving fish. But the Hungster simply adores the dudes – Stefan’s Spamwich, Jeff’s Conch (I bet!), and The Hose’s soup. Ultimately, Stefan is the winner and gets immunity. Wussea wonders if his donated Spam is what put Stefan over the top.
“I fucking nailed it”, Stefan states – in his normal modest fashion.
Elimination Challenge:
Padma tells the Cheftestants that they will be going “back to basics”, and asks everyone to draw knives. This results in three teams – Pig, Chicken, and Lamb. Each team will create a family style lunch for 16 people – built around their signature animal/protein.
Ariane is immediately leary of her “Team Mary and his Little Lambs” (Hosea, Ariane, Leah) because of Hosea and Leah’s relationship. She calls them “lovebirds” – and hopes that she doesn’t end up the odd lamb out.
Team Foghorn Leghorn (Chicken) - Stefan, Jamie and Carla – immediately start cock-fighting. Actually, Jamie and Stefan fight – and Carla (and her Spirit Guides) try to stay out of the crossfire. Stefan seems oddly aroused by this (“She is so friggin’ cute. I love it!”). Stefan is hoping that their fight, which looks like this…
Turns out like this (I think that’s Jamie on top)…
Team Piggly-Wiggly (Fabio, Jeff and Radhika) are trying to plan something “seemple” (simple), and all Radhika can come up with is “bread pudding”, which she made last time. Holla for Challah!
Later that evening back at the apartment, Carla and Jamie go to Stefan with some proposed changes to the menu, but Stefan is hearing none of it. This is when they have the infamous “douchebag” exchange – which is a lot milder than the previews lead us to believe. Basically, Stefan is being a Superior European, and Jamie is being a Mean Lesbian. Nothing to see here people, move along!...
The next morning everyone awakens and prepares for the day. Hosea is worrying like a high school girl without a prom date about their dish – and is bouncing ideas off of Leah. Leah would like to do some bouncing of her own – but I digress. Ariane realizes that these two aren’t listening to her – and gives us an exasperated “WHATEVER!”.
They all pile into vans to go shopping, and after leaving the city and heading into Westchester County, Fabio figures out they might not be shopping at Whole Foods this time. Ya think?!? They finally pull up in front of a farm, and Jamie recognizes that they have arrived at Chef Dan Barber’s restaurant/farm – Blue Hill at Stone Barns.
Chef Barber welcomes everyone, and introduces them to three of the Stone Barn farmers. Each team will “shop” around the farm with one of the farmers for their ingredients – a “different kind of whole foods”, Dan Barber tells them. Each team will be cooking lunch for the farmers and other workers at the facility.
Basically, each team gets to go meet the animals that will be killed and eaten for this challenge. It’s kind of weird. When Team Lamb is shown frolicking with the cute little lambs, and Fabio talks about having respect for the animals that are getting killed for a “porpoise” (purpose) – it’s a little bit touching. But then Fabio gives us a big, stereotypical “Whatsamattayou?!?” to one of the pigs, and all is well in the slaughterhouse.
But all is not well on Team “My Cock Is Bigger Than Yours”. Carla, Jamie and Stefan go with their female farmer to the Henhouse and visit the chickens – one of which hated Jamie. Homophobic hen! Stefan remarks that he is the only Cock there. Then, with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye, he repeats “COCK … I love that!”. OMG – those were my exact words when I figured out I was gay!!!
The teams go to the kitchen to find the adorable farm animals have been slaughtered, butchered, and await the cooking of their flesh. Which certainly beats the service at Whole Foods – where the Cheftestants sometimes have to cut their own fish.
The chefs have three hours to prepare lunch. Jeff is poking around the pork and asks Fabio – “are you happy with the butt and belly”. This is the same thing I ask guys after sending them my picture online – but that’s a whole different can of Hormel Chili.
Over at Team “Mary and his Little Lambs”, Leah and Hosea have given all the work to Ariane so they can have plenty of time for inappropriate touching. This is somewhat understandable, considering that Ariane is unbeatable when she gets her hands on some meat. Leah is going to toss a salad, and Hosea is going to simply lean back and enjoy. Leah finally stops tossing salad long enough to help Ariane tie up her baby lamb roasts. I don’t know how they can live with themselves, after seeing those cute baby lambs in person…
Barbarians! Actually, Ariane really seems to be having trouble this time – but Leah and Hosea are too horny to notice.
Team Porky Pig is plugging away, but Fabio is pissed that Radhika is taking a long time to peel and grill 10 ears of corn. Fabio is doing ravioli with a pesto sauce (natch) because that’s what he does. He’s Italian!! That’s his “porpoise”! Whatsamattayou?!?
It is time for service, and the judges, farmers and workers sit at outdoor tables for lunch. Toby Young, the Baron of Münchhausen, sits beside Padma, the Baroness of the Munchies.
Team Lamb introduces their “Lamb Two Ways” first, followed by Team Pork (oink, oink!), and Team Chicken.
Team Chicken is clearly the favorite, and Team Lamb and Team Pork have some serious problems. Toby Young, Sir Ass of Hats, continues to recite his prepared bon mots – and continues to remind me of the absence of Gail and her Boobies. “Pesto is the Big Bad Wolf”, “Lamb dressed at mutton”, blah, blah, blah. Somebody stick a (fried green) tomato in his mouth to shut him up. Whatsamattayou?!?
Commercial break. All I’m going to say is W.T.F.??...
It’s morning in BillyBurg (that’s Williamsburg, Brooklyn to you tourists) and we see the Cheftestants preparing for another day. The producers are still trying to sell Jeff as the shirtless beefcake of the season – but I still ain’t buying. Fabio must be "flabbio", because they never show him shirtless – but he is still cuter than Jeff.
Speaking of guys I don’t want to see shirtless – Hosea is wearing an "I ♥ Padma" t-shirt, which is supposed to be ironic, but only manages to be moronic. Hosea mumbles something about how much he hates Stefan, and how much he loves his “buddy” Leah. And by “buddy”, he means “that horny nympho who is all up on my jock but I’m too much of a wuss to hit it”.
They head over to the Top Chef Kitchen to find Padma alongside Season 3 winner Hung Huynh. I had no idea Hung’s last name, “Huynh,” was pronounced “win”. Was it always that way, or did he change it after he won Season 3? If you ask me, it should be pronounced “Huh???” Which is exactly what I said when that bastard won. I am not a fan.
PadHung is standing next to a display of some kind – which is covered by a white drop cloth. Flabbio thinks it is an aquarium because of Hung’s love of fish (did you hear Fabio pronounce “aquarium”? – priceless!). But Fabio is wrong – Padma reveals a table of canned and jarred crap – Hormel chili, Spam, and everything else you can buy at discount prices during Shop Rite’s “Can-Can” Sale. Jeff refers to the collection as a “pile of garbage”, but I would call it “dinner”. Give me some delicious canned Hormel chili any day!
Their challenge is to create a “delicious dish” using “cupboard and pantry staples” in 15 minutes. Ready, set … GO!
Everyone rushes to the table-o-crap and grabs and growls. Wussy Hosea begs Fabio for a jar of artichokes (no way, Ho-say…a) and finally gets some peas and Spam after whining that “you guys are killing me!”. Mary, please. Radhika probably weighs 110 pounds soaking wet – and although Carla is 7 feet tall, she probably weighs less than that. Why can’t big, burly Hosea muscle his way into the canned goods of his choice? Grow a pair!
During their preparation, most of the Cheftestants say some snobby chef crap about how they wouldn’t be caught DEAD using canned ingredients … blah, blah, blah. Get over it. You wouldn’t be caught dead drinking Diet Dr. Pepper either – but you monkeys sure jumped through that hoop last time, didn’t you?
As time is winding down, Stefan of Finland needs a little more Spam for his dish, and asks Hosea if he can have some of his leftovers. The Hose is still mad that Stefan’s “boyfriend Fabio” (Hosea’s term) didn’t share the artichokes with him (cue sympathetic violins). But Wussy Hosea (“Wussea”?) relents and gives his meat to Stefan.
Padma and Hung taste all the dishes. Hung, who has the personality of a case of Turtlewax, gives a few one-word statements (“crunchy”, “interesting”) and then announces the results.
Hung no likee the ladies - Leah’s breakfast, Radhika’s dip, and Jamie’s bruschetta – they are on the bottom. So much for loving fish. But the Hungster simply adores the dudes – Stefan’s Spamwich, Jeff’s Conch (I bet!), and The Hose’s soup. Ultimately, Stefan is the winner and gets immunity. Wussea wonders if his donated Spam is what put Stefan over the top.
“I fucking nailed it”, Stefan states – in his normal modest fashion.
Elimination Challenge:
Padma tells the Cheftestants that they will be going “back to basics”, and asks everyone to draw knives. This results in three teams – Pig, Chicken, and Lamb. Each team will create a family style lunch for 16 people – built around their signature animal/protein.
Ariane is immediately leary of her “Team Mary and his Little Lambs” (Hosea, Ariane, Leah) because of Hosea and Leah’s relationship. She calls them “lovebirds” – and hopes that she doesn’t end up the odd lamb out.
Team Foghorn Leghorn (Chicken) - Stefan, Jamie and Carla – immediately start cock-fighting. Actually, Jamie and Stefan fight – and Carla (and her Spirit Guides) try to stay out of the crossfire. Stefan seems oddly aroused by this (“She is so friggin’ cute. I love it!”). Stefan is hoping that their fight, which looks like this…
Turns out like this (I think that’s Jamie on top)…
Team Piggly-Wiggly (Fabio, Jeff and Radhika) are trying to plan something “seemple” (simple), and all Radhika can come up with is “bread pudding”, which she made last time. Holla for Challah!
Later that evening back at the apartment, Carla and Jamie go to Stefan with some proposed changes to the menu, but Stefan is hearing none of it. This is when they have the infamous “douchebag” exchange – which is a lot milder than the previews lead us to believe. Basically, Stefan is being a Superior European, and Jamie is being a Mean Lesbian. Nothing to see here people, move along!...
The next morning everyone awakens and prepares for the day. Hosea is worrying like a high school girl without a prom date about their dish – and is bouncing ideas off of Leah. Leah would like to do some bouncing of her own – but I digress. Ariane realizes that these two aren’t listening to her – and gives us an exasperated “WHATEVER!”.
They all pile into vans to go shopping, and after leaving the city and heading into Westchester County, Fabio figures out they might not be shopping at Whole Foods this time. Ya think?!? They finally pull up in front of a farm, and Jamie recognizes that they have arrived at Chef Dan Barber’s restaurant/farm – Blue Hill at Stone Barns.
Chef Barber welcomes everyone, and introduces them to three of the Stone Barn farmers. Each team will “shop” around the farm with one of the farmers for their ingredients – a “different kind of whole foods”, Dan Barber tells them. Each team will be cooking lunch for the farmers and other workers at the facility.
Basically, each team gets to go meet the animals that will be killed and eaten for this challenge. It’s kind of weird. When Team Lamb is shown frolicking with the cute little lambs, and Fabio talks about having respect for the animals that are getting killed for a “porpoise” (purpose) – it’s a little bit touching. But then Fabio gives us a big, stereotypical “Whatsamattayou?!?” to one of the pigs, and all is well in the slaughterhouse.
But all is not well on Team “My Cock Is Bigger Than Yours”. Carla, Jamie and Stefan go with their female farmer to the Henhouse and visit the chickens – one of which hated Jamie. Homophobic hen! Stefan remarks that he is the only Cock there. Then, with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye, he repeats “COCK … I love that!”. OMG – those were my exact words when I figured out I was gay!!!
The teams go to the kitchen to find the adorable farm animals have been slaughtered, butchered, and await the cooking of their flesh. Which certainly beats the service at Whole Foods – where the Cheftestants sometimes have to cut their own fish.
The chefs have three hours to prepare lunch. Jeff is poking around the pork and asks Fabio – “are you happy with the butt and belly”. This is the same thing I ask guys after sending them my picture online – but that’s a whole different can of Hormel Chili.
Over at Team “Mary and his Little Lambs”, Leah and Hosea have given all the work to Ariane so they can have plenty of time for inappropriate touching. This is somewhat understandable, considering that Ariane is unbeatable when she gets her hands on some meat. Leah is going to toss a salad, and Hosea is going to simply lean back and enjoy. Leah finally stops tossing salad long enough to help Ariane tie up her baby lamb roasts. I don’t know how they can live with themselves, after seeing those cute baby lambs in person…
Barbarians! Actually, Ariane really seems to be having trouble this time – but Leah and Hosea are too horny to notice.
Team Porky Pig is plugging away, but Fabio is pissed that Radhika is taking a long time to peel and grill 10 ears of corn. Fabio is doing ravioli with a pesto sauce (natch) because that’s what he does. He’s Italian!! That’s his “porpoise”! Whatsamattayou?!?
It is time for service, and the judges, farmers and workers sit at outdoor tables for lunch. Toby Young, the Baron of Münchhausen, sits beside Padma, the Baroness of the Munchies.
Team Lamb introduces their “Lamb Two Ways” first, followed by Team Pork (oink, oink!), and Team Chicken.
Team Chicken is clearly the favorite, and Team Lamb and Team Pork have some serious problems. Toby Young, Sir Ass of Hats, continues to recite his prepared bon mots – and continues to remind me of the absence of Gail and her Boobies. “Pesto is the Big Bad Wolf”, “Lamb dressed at mutton”, blah, blah, blah. Somebody stick a (fried green) tomato in his mouth to shut him up. Whatsamattayou?!?
Commercial break. All I’m going to say is W.T.F.??...
“And I’m going to taste it!!!”Back in the Not-So-Glad-Diet-Dr-Pepper-Hormel-Chili Storage Room, Padma announces they would like to see Team KFC. Jamie, Carla, and Stefan (Team Chicken) are the winners of this challenge.
The judges love their dishes, and loved Carla’s dessert – so ALL THREE of them are the winners this week. Again, no prizes are given – probably because they are gay, black, and/or foreign. I bet if Hosea had won, his straight white American male ass would have gotten a cookbook or a George Foreman grill or some such.
The remaining Cheftestants are all called in front of the judges. Team Pig had problems with the pesto being too strong (Whatsamattayou?!?) and the fat being removed on some of the pork. Radhika is called out for not contributing much of anything at all. Jeff’s Fried Green Tomatoes, however, were a big hit.
Team Lamb was a mess. Ariane’s butchering job was an absolute disaster – and Leah didn’t roll and tie the roasts properly. The Hose and Leah are called out for giving Ariane the bulk of the responsibility, and then watching her flounder while their hormones raged.
Everyone returns to the Stew Room and the judges discuss. Toby Young says some asinine thing about wanting to have unprotected sex when confronted by a nice piece of meat. But he is just so douchy that I can’t even appreciate this verbal gift that has been given to me. I know – Whatsamattayou?!?
It comes down to the fact that Team Lamb is the worst. Padma – the voice of reason this episode – feels sorry for Ariane, because at least she did more than whine and dry-hump the prep table (like Hosea and Leah, respectively). Toby feels sorry for Ariane also, because “she can’t cook”. It would have been the perfect time for Martha Stewart to swoop in and give Toby the New Jersey ass-kicking he so rightfully deserves.
All six losers are called back in front of the judges. Radhika is admonished for not doing much, Fabio is chastised for his strong pesto, and Jeff is lectured for his trimming of the pork fat. However, Team Pig didn’t suck nearly as bad as Team Lamb – so they are safe.
It is down to Ariane, Hosea and Leah. I am thinking that Leah will go home – because all she did is toss salad and do a bad roll/tie job on the roasts. And dry-hump Hosea and the prep table.
But NOOOOOOOOOOOO. They send Ariane back home to New Jersey!! Those weasel producers are going to work the Hosea/Leah “romance” angle – which leaves Ariane as the odd lamb out. The other Cheftestants were just as shocked as I was when Ariane announced that she was leaving.
In her “exit interview”, Ariane says that she shouldn’t have been the one to go home. Leah was “not a team player” (unless she’s on Team Hose), and Leah’s boyfriend Hosea is a “wimp”. Leave it to the Jersey Girl to tell it like it T-I-Is.
I have a question for the producers: Whatsamattayou??????
Next week – Restaurant Wars!
The judges love their dishes, and loved Carla’s dessert – so ALL THREE of them are the winners this week. Again, no prizes are given – probably because they are gay, black, and/or foreign. I bet if Hosea had won, his straight white American male ass would have gotten a cookbook or a George Foreman grill or some such.
The remaining Cheftestants are all called in front of the judges. Team Pig had problems with the pesto being too strong (Whatsamattayou?!?) and the fat being removed on some of the pork. Radhika is called out for not contributing much of anything at all. Jeff’s Fried Green Tomatoes, however, were a big hit.
Team Lamb was a mess. Ariane’s butchering job was an absolute disaster – and Leah didn’t roll and tie the roasts properly. The Hose and Leah are called out for giving Ariane the bulk of the responsibility, and then watching her flounder while their hormones raged.
Everyone returns to the Stew Room and the judges discuss. Toby Young says some asinine thing about wanting to have unprotected sex when confronted by a nice piece of meat. But he is just so douchy that I can’t even appreciate this verbal gift that has been given to me. I know – Whatsamattayou?!?
It comes down to the fact that Team Lamb is the worst. Padma – the voice of reason this episode – feels sorry for Ariane, because at least she did more than whine and dry-hump the prep table (like Hosea and Leah, respectively). Toby feels sorry for Ariane also, because “she can’t cook”. It would have been the perfect time for Martha Stewart to swoop in and give Toby the New Jersey ass-kicking he so rightfully deserves.
All six losers are called back in front of the judges. Radhika is admonished for not doing much, Fabio is chastised for his strong pesto, and Jeff is lectured for his trimming of the pork fat. However, Team Pig didn’t suck nearly as bad as Team Lamb – so they are safe.
It is down to Ariane, Hosea and Leah. I am thinking that Leah will go home – because all she did is toss salad and do a bad roll/tie job on the roasts. And dry-hump Hosea and the prep table.
But NOOOOOOOOOOOO. They send Ariane back home to New Jersey!! Those weasel producers are going to work the Hosea/Leah “romance” angle – which leaves Ariane as the odd lamb out. The other Cheftestants were just as shocked as I was when Ariane announced that she was leaving.
In her “exit interview”, Ariane says that she shouldn’t have been the one to go home. Leah was “not a team player” (unless she’s on Team Hose), and Leah’s boyfriend Hosea is a “wimp”. Leave it to the Jersey Girl to tell it like it T-I-Is.
I have a question for the producers: Whatsamattayou??????
Next week – Restaurant Wars!
