Last week on Top Chef, the Cheftestants catered a bridal shower for Gail and her Boobies, Danny Da Dumbass went home, and Ariane continued her streak as the most unlikely dominant Cheftestant ever. Read my recap HERE.
Ariane the Invincible wakes up this week feeling great. She has decided to keep cooking her simple food, since it has worked for her thus far. Eugene, on the other hand, is cranky – but happy that he wasn’t sent home last week. He vows to continue doing what HE does best – “Pacific Rim” cuisine – which sounds like something dirty they do in Honolulu.
Fabio and Stefan of Finland continue their passionate love affair. They appear on-screen together, and Stefan says they are the “Dynamic Duo” – although Fabio looks at him and says “what dat mean?” It means he loves you. Stefan remarks that he found a shoe in his ass this morning, and doesn’t know which of the judges put it there. That happened to a friend of mine before – although it wasn’t a shoe... Ultimately, the European Lovebirds reveal their strategy for winning: beat everyone else first, and then beat each other. I would like to watch, if you don’t mind…
Quickfire Challenge:
The Cheftestants enter the Top Chef Kitchen, which has been decorated for “the holidays”. Yes, I said “the holidays” – and not “Christmas” – because I’m obviously a godless heretic. Or at least that’s what Bill O’Reilly and Fox News say.
Padma tells the Chefs that they will cook a holiday meal using one pot. I will let the other Recappers make the Padma/Pot jokes. She’s never passed me a joint, so I have no idea if she likes to blaze trees or not.
Anywhoo, Padma introduces the guest judge for the Quickfire – Martha Friggin’ Stewart! The Chefs almost pee themselves when she walks in, toting her latest book. Miss New Jersey – Ariane – REALLY plotzes when she sees the most famous daughter of Nutley, New Jersey walk in. Oh, and in case you don’t know: “plotz” is a Yiddish word which means “to lose control of one’s freakin’ mind”.
Martha gives them a tip – keep it simple, but not too simple. She attributes this advice to another New Jersey resident, Albert Einstein. Because when I think of the theory of relativity or quantum physics – I think “simple”.
They have 45 minutes to create a Martha-worthy dish. Ariane is doing a cauliflower puree, which she sometimes does for her kids instead of mashed potatoes. This is her way of “tricking” them into getting their vegetables. Note to “simple” Ariane: a potato IS a vegetable. Besides, I think Martha can probably tell the difference.
Fabio gives us a little insight into his childhood. When he was “seeks” (six), he was evil and “a bad boy”. So to keep his bad-ass occupied, his grandmother gave him a job to do. “She was make me stir da polenta on da fire for hour”. There are obviously no child labor laws in Italy.
Gene is doing a Korean stew, but has to use corn starch to thicken it, since he doesn’t have time to let the stew reduce naturally. And some blond chick named Melissa predicts that Martha Stewart will probably be a tough judge. Ya think?!?
Utensils down, hands up Bitches!
Martha and Padma make the rounds. Martha immediately notices that Eugene’s stew has been thickened. Just like Mother Nature – you can’t fool Martha Stewart.
Martha chats with Stefan about Chanterelles, with Hosea about Paella, and with Jamie about diving for Scallops. When she gets to Jeff, she pronounces his “Po-ta-to Ri-sot-to” so exactly that you just KNOW that she hates it. Martha then calls Jeff’s dish “pungent”, and he realizes he is doomed. Ice Queen Martha – no mere mortal woman – also doesn’t fall for Fabio’s charms. Be gone Paisano, you have no powers here!
Finally, Martha visits simple Jersey girl Ariane. And just like two Ho’s from Jersey, they bond over the fact that they both come from The Garden State. Why are people from New Jersey so PROUD of the fact that they come from the armpit of New York City? Anywhoo, Martha remarks about how much butter Ariane has used, and Ariane replies that she used absolutely no butter at all. I guess you CAN fool Martha Stewart after all.
After the tasting, Martha announces that some listened to her “keep it simple” advice, but some did not. She was not impressed with Jeff’s Pot-ta-to Ri-sot-to, Eugene’s starchy stew, and Fabio’s “grayish” polenta. Fabio is flabbergasted, and vows to get his Italian Grandma to beat Martha’s New Jersey ass one of these days.
Martha does likee Hosea’s paella, Jamie’s scallop dish, and Ariane’s simple beef and no-butter cauliflower puree.
Before Martha announces the winner, she plugs her new book – Martha Stewart’s Cooking School – and notes that the winner will receive his or her very own copy.
True to their corrupt New Jersey roots, New Jersey Martha gives the win to New Jersey Ariane – “from one Jersey girl to another”. Carmela Soprano would be so proud.
But then my heart is broken when Martha leaves and we learn that she isn’t sticking around for the Elimination Challenge. What?!? So she was only here to chat about Jersey and sell some books?!? Typical Jersey shady dealings…
Elimination Challenge
After Martha leaves, the Harlem Gospel Choir strolls in, singing the Twelve Days of Christmas. Now that’s a long song anyway, but they are doing the Christina Aguilera/Mariah Carey hold-every-note-for-at-least-three-minutes extended version. The Cheftestants look confused and uncomfortable. You’d be confused and uncomfortable too if the Harlem Gospel Choir walked into your kitchen and sang one song for three hours, nonstop.
After the Choir (finally) finishes – Padma tells the Chefs to draw knives. Each knife reveals a number – one of the Twelve Days of Christmas. After each knife is drawn, one the of Choir members sings … again. Considering this was taped over the summer, I would bet this whole process got old FAST.
Their challenge will be to cater an AMFAR benefit for 250 guests – using one of the Twelve Days of Christmas as their inspiration. Natasha Richardson, actress and AMFAR board member, will be the guest judge, and “Top Chef regular” Michelle Bernstein will be filling in for Gail. But not for her boobies. No one could fill in for those puppies.
Time for Whole Foods shopping – they have 45 minutes, and $800 dollars each. The Hose has pulled “Eleven Pipers Piping”, so he has decided to do smoked pork. Yeah, I don’t get it either. Something about pipe-smoking. Insert joke HERE.
Jeff has “Ten Lords-A-Leaping” – but can’t find frogs legs. He decides to do some “island leaping” theme instead. Again – pretty lame.
I’m not sure what number Stefan got, but he decides to do Chicken Pot Pie – because that was the first Christmas meal he had in the United States. So basically the Cheftestants each got one of the Twelve Days of Christmas to use as their inspiration, but they are just making up anything they want.
Back in the Top Chef Kitchen they have 3 hours to prep. Jamie is doing scallops again, and some blond girl (I think her name is “Melissa” or “Michelle” or “Matilda”) is doing a cheesy “Eight Maids-A-Milking” dish. Gene has “Five Golden Rings” – so he’s putting some crap on a pineapple ring. “Pacific Rim” in da house!
Everyone packs their food into the refrigerators and freezers and goes home for the night.
The next morning they return to the kitchen, only to find that one of the fridge doors was left open, and The Hose’s pork is hot (he could KILL people with that hot pork), and Radhika’s breasts are “garbage”. Don’t be so hard on yourself girl. You're no Gail, but they're not so bad. They also show some blond girl talking about bad cheese – but blondie finds some new cheese, so all is well. Wait, who IS she again??
Hosea and Radhika are stressed – and fear doom. But at that moment, a Christmas MIRACLE happens:
Well … in Top-Chefsville they say, that the Cheftestant’s hearts grew three sizes that day. All the Chefs down in Chefsville, then gathered around, the Christmas prep table and began singing aloud:
Fa – Who – For – Aze
Da – Who – Dor – Aze
Welcome Christmas
Christmas Day
They even found some Roast Beast for Hosea and Radhika to use, and all the Chefs in TopChefsville pitched in to make sure Hosea and Radhika have something to serve. The fridge HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming. It Came! Somehow or other, it came just the same.
After this Christmas Miracle, the Cheftestants head over to the event space to set up for the party. We meet Gail’s replacement – Michelle Bernstein – who I don’t remember from before, but she seems like kind of a bitch. We also meet the gorgeous Natasha Richardson, who is a tireless fighter on behalf of AIDS causes (her father died of the disease). Natasha is also married to that hot hunk of Irish Roast Beast, Liam Neeson. Stefan of Finland seems especially smitten with her – I wonder if that makes Natasha a lesbian?
Anywhoo, Natasha gives a moving speech – and instructs the party-goers to pin their red AIDS ribbon next to their favorite dish.
Crazy Carla can’t concentrate on service, because she’s trying to scam free shoes from Kenneth Cole. “Hootie – Hoo!!”. Gene is telling some bullshit story about his grandmother and sailing around some islands – but no one is buying it. Even Fabio’s charming tale of dancing crab ladies doesn’t impress –the judges think his crab cakes are too dense. And hottie Cheyenne Jackson is totally grossed out by Jamie’s slimy scallops.
Judge Michelle Bernstein tastes Melissa’s Eight Maid’s A Milking dish and remarks “I taste cheese”. I bet that’s not the first time she’s said that. Ariane’s decided to go REALLY simple and do deviled eggs for her “Six Geese-a-laying” theme. This prompts the philosophical discussion – “are you going to win Top Chef with a Deviled Egg?”. To make a long story short: No.
The two standouts seem to be Hosea and Jeff. The ladies seem to like both of them, and Leah is getting a little jealous of the biatches who are getting all up on her man. That is HER Hose! Jeff is also working the Ho’s (NOT the Hose). What I want to know is: where are all the gay men? I don’t care how dense his crab cakes were, all Fabio has to do is talk about his grandma and dancing crab ladies, and he’s got my red ribbon.
After the party, the Chefs head back to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. Padma calls in Hosea, Jeff, Stefan, and Radhika – these are the top four. Note that two of the four (Hosea and Radhika) were the two that would have lost had it not been for the other Chefs down in Chefsville. Hosea and Radhika definitely give credit to their fellow chefs for their success.
Natasha announces that Hosea is the winner of the challenge – he got the most ribbons, and was also the judges’ favorite.
Judge Michelle, perhaps jealous that Martha Stewart got to plug her book, announces that all the Cheftestants will get a copy of HER book – “Cuisina Latina”. Because when I think “Latina”, I don’t think of J-Lo or Penelope Cruz – I think of someone named “Michelle Bernstein”.
On the bottom we have Eugene, Melissa, and Jamie. Oh, I remember Melissa now – she’s the one who sucks every week!
Everyone defends their dishes and goes back to the Not-So-Glad Room of Doom, while the judges discuss.
The judges bitch and moan and whine about how the food just wasn’t that impressive – even the winners. Chef Tom decides that he needs to talk to everyone – so he sits down in the back room with the Cheftestants.
Uh oh, this could be serious. Tom (and the others) are NOT happy. The food was NOT inspiring. Wait, could they be sending home MULTIPLE people this week?!? After all: YOU DON’T WIN WITH A DEVILED EGG!! Watch out people – Tom is pissed!!!
But then there is another Christmas Miracle: no one is going home. Never mind about that whole pissed off thing. Everyone is safe.
Huh??? Um, I thought that was the whole idea behind each challenge - to get rid of the people that sucked.
So, basically, EVERYONE sucked this week – but everyone stays. Bah Humbug!!! Merry Friggin’ Christmas.
Next week: “Dis is Top Chefs, no Top Scallops”…
Ariane the Invincible wakes up this week feeling great. She has decided to keep cooking her simple food, since it has worked for her thus far. Eugene, on the other hand, is cranky – but happy that he wasn’t sent home last week. He vows to continue doing what HE does best – “Pacific Rim” cuisine – which sounds like something dirty they do in Honolulu.
Fabio and Stefan of Finland continue their passionate love affair. They appear on-screen together, and Stefan says they are the “Dynamic Duo” – although Fabio looks at him and says “what dat mean?” It means he loves you. Stefan remarks that he found a shoe in his ass this morning, and doesn’t know which of the judges put it there. That happened to a friend of mine before – although it wasn’t a shoe... Ultimately, the European Lovebirds reveal their strategy for winning: beat everyone else first, and then beat each other. I would like to watch, if you don’t mind…
Quickfire Challenge:
The Cheftestants enter the Top Chef Kitchen, which has been decorated for “the holidays”. Yes, I said “the holidays” – and not “Christmas” – because I’m obviously a godless heretic. Or at least that’s what Bill O’Reilly and Fox News say.
Padma tells the Chefs that they will cook a holiday meal using one pot. I will let the other Recappers make the Padma/Pot jokes. She’s never passed me a joint, so I have no idea if she likes to blaze trees or not.
Anywhoo, Padma introduces the guest judge for the Quickfire – Martha Friggin’ Stewart! The Chefs almost pee themselves when she walks in, toting her latest book. Miss New Jersey – Ariane – REALLY plotzes when she sees the most famous daughter of Nutley, New Jersey walk in. Oh, and in case you don’t know: “plotz” is a Yiddish word which means “to lose control of one’s freakin’ mind”.
Martha gives them a tip – keep it simple, but not too simple. She attributes this advice to another New Jersey resident, Albert Einstein. Because when I think of the theory of relativity or quantum physics – I think “simple”.
They have 45 minutes to create a Martha-worthy dish. Ariane is doing a cauliflower puree, which she sometimes does for her kids instead of mashed potatoes. This is her way of “tricking” them into getting their vegetables. Note to “simple” Ariane: a potato IS a vegetable. Besides, I think Martha can probably tell the difference.
Fabio gives us a little insight into his childhood. When he was “seeks” (six), he was evil and “a bad boy”. So to keep his bad-ass occupied, his grandmother gave him a job to do. “She was make me stir da polenta on da fire for hour”. There are obviously no child labor laws in Italy.
Gene is doing a Korean stew, but has to use corn starch to thicken it, since he doesn’t have time to let the stew reduce naturally. And some blond chick named Melissa predicts that Martha Stewart will probably be a tough judge. Ya think?!?
Utensils down, hands up Bitches!
Martha and Padma make the rounds. Martha immediately notices that Eugene’s stew has been thickened. Just like Mother Nature – you can’t fool Martha Stewart.
Martha chats with Stefan about Chanterelles, with Hosea about Paella, and with Jamie about diving for Scallops. When she gets to Jeff, she pronounces his “Po-ta-to Ri-sot-to” so exactly that you just KNOW that she hates it. Martha then calls Jeff’s dish “pungent”, and he realizes he is doomed. Ice Queen Martha – no mere mortal woman – also doesn’t fall for Fabio’s charms. Be gone Paisano, you have no powers here!
Finally, Martha visits simple Jersey girl Ariane. And just like two Ho’s from Jersey, they bond over the fact that they both come from The Garden State. Why are people from New Jersey so PROUD of the fact that they come from the armpit of New York City? Anywhoo, Martha remarks about how much butter Ariane has used, and Ariane replies that she used absolutely no butter at all. I guess you CAN fool Martha Stewart after all.
After the tasting, Martha announces that some listened to her “keep it simple” advice, but some did not. She was not impressed with Jeff’s Pot-ta-to Ri-sot-to, Eugene’s starchy stew, and Fabio’s “grayish” polenta. Fabio is flabbergasted, and vows to get his Italian Grandma to beat Martha’s New Jersey ass one of these days.
Martha does likee Hosea’s paella, Jamie’s scallop dish, and Ariane’s simple beef and no-butter cauliflower puree.
Before Martha announces the winner, she plugs her new book – Martha Stewart’s Cooking School – and notes that the winner will receive his or her very own copy.
True to their corrupt New Jersey roots, New Jersey Martha gives the win to New Jersey Ariane – “from one Jersey girl to another”. Carmela Soprano would be so proud.
But then my heart is broken when Martha leaves and we learn that she isn’t sticking around for the Elimination Challenge. What?!? So she was only here to chat about Jersey and sell some books?!? Typical Jersey shady dealings…
Elimination Challenge
After Martha leaves, the Harlem Gospel Choir strolls in, singing the Twelve Days of Christmas. Now that’s a long song anyway, but they are doing the Christina Aguilera/Mariah Carey hold-every-note-for-at-least-three-minutes extended version. The Cheftestants look confused and uncomfortable. You’d be confused and uncomfortable too if the Harlem Gospel Choir walked into your kitchen and sang one song for three hours, nonstop.
After the Choir (finally) finishes – Padma tells the Chefs to draw knives. Each knife reveals a number – one of the Twelve Days of Christmas. After each knife is drawn, one the of Choir members sings … again. Considering this was taped over the summer, I would bet this whole process got old FAST.
Their challenge will be to cater an AMFAR benefit for 250 guests – using one of the Twelve Days of Christmas as their inspiration. Natasha Richardson, actress and AMFAR board member, will be the guest judge, and “Top Chef regular” Michelle Bernstein will be filling in for Gail. But not for her boobies. No one could fill in for those puppies.
Time for Whole Foods shopping – they have 45 minutes, and $800 dollars each. The Hose has pulled “Eleven Pipers Piping”, so he has decided to do smoked pork. Yeah, I don’t get it either. Something about pipe-smoking. Insert joke HERE.
Jeff has “Ten Lords-A-Leaping” – but can’t find frogs legs. He decides to do some “island leaping” theme instead. Again – pretty lame.
I’m not sure what number Stefan got, but he decides to do Chicken Pot Pie – because that was the first Christmas meal he had in the United States. So basically the Cheftestants each got one of the Twelve Days of Christmas to use as their inspiration, but they are just making up anything they want.
Back in the Top Chef Kitchen they have 3 hours to prep. Jamie is doing scallops again, and some blond girl (I think her name is “Melissa” or “Michelle” or “Matilda”) is doing a cheesy “Eight Maids-A-Milking” dish. Gene has “Five Golden Rings” – so he’s putting some crap on a pineapple ring. “Pacific Rim” in da house!
Everyone packs their food into the refrigerators and freezers and goes home for the night.
The next morning they return to the kitchen, only to find that one of the fridge doors was left open, and The Hose’s pork is hot (he could KILL people with that hot pork), and Radhika’s breasts are “garbage”. Don’t be so hard on yourself girl. You're no Gail, but they're not so bad. They also show some blond girl talking about bad cheese – but blondie finds some new cheese, so all is well. Wait, who IS she again??
Hosea and Radhika are stressed – and fear doom. But at that moment, a Christmas MIRACLE happens:
Well … in Top-Chefsville they say, that the Cheftestant’s hearts grew three sizes that day. All the Chefs down in Chefsville, then gathered around, the Christmas prep table and began singing aloud:
Fa – Who – For – Aze
Da – Who – Dor – Aze
Welcome Christmas
Christmas Day
They even found some Roast Beast for Hosea and Radhika to use, and all the Chefs in TopChefsville pitched in to make sure Hosea and Radhika have something to serve. The fridge HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming. It Came! Somehow or other, it came just the same.
After this Christmas Miracle, the Cheftestants head over to the event space to set up for the party. We meet Gail’s replacement – Michelle Bernstein – who I don’t remember from before, but she seems like kind of a bitch. We also meet the gorgeous Natasha Richardson, who is a tireless fighter on behalf of AIDS causes (her father died of the disease). Natasha is also married to that hot hunk of Irish Roast Beast, Liam Neeson. Stefan of Finland seems especially smitten with her – I wonder if that makes Natasha a lesbian?
Anywhoo, Natasha gives a moving speech – and instructs the party-goers to pin their red AIDS ribbon next to their favorite dish.
Crazy Carla can’t concentrate on service, because she’s trying to scam free shoes from Kenneth Cole. “Hootie – Hoo!!”. Gene is telling some bullshit story about his grandmother and sailing around some islands – but no one is buying it. Even Fabio’s charming tale of dancing crab ladies doesn’t impress –the judges think his crab cakes are too dense. And hottie Cheyenne Jackson is totally grossed out by Jamie’s slimy scallops.
Judge Michelle Bernstein tastes Melissa’s Eight Maid’s A Milking dish and remarks “I taste cheese”. I bet that’s not the first time she’s said that. Ariane’s decided to go REALLY simple and do deviled eggs for her “Six Geese-a-laying” theme. This prompts the philosophical discussion – “are you going to win Top Chef with a Deviled Egg?”. To make a long story short: No.
The two standouts seem to be Hosea and Jeff. The ladies seem to like both of them, and Leah is getting a little jealous of the biatches who are getting all up on her man. That is HER Hose! Jeff is also working the Ho’s (NOT the Hose). What I want to know is: where are all the gay men? I don’t care how dense his crab cakes were, all Fabio has to do is talk about his grandma and dancing crab ladies, and he’s got my red ribbon.
After the party, the Chefs head back to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. Padma calls in Hosea, Jeff, Stefan, and Radhika – these are the top four. Note that two of the four (Hosea and Radhika) were the two that would have lost had it not been for the other Chefs down in Chefsville. Hosea and Radhika definitely give credit to their fellow chefs for their success.
Natasha announces that Hosea is the winner of the challenge – he got the most ribbons, and was also the judges’ favorite.
Judge Michelle, perhaps jealous that Martha Stewart got to plug her book, announces that all the Cheftestants will get a copy of HER book – “Cuisina Latina”. Because when I think “Latina”, I don’t think of J-Lo or Penelope Cruz – I think of someone named “Michelle Bernstein”.
On the bottom we have Eugene, Melissa, and Jamie. Oh, I remember Melissa now – she’s the one who sucks every week!
Everyone defends their dishes and goes back to the Not-So-Glad Room of Doom, while the judges discuss.
The judges bitch and moan and whine about how the food just wasn’t that impressive – even the winners. Chef Tom decides that he needs to talk to everyone – so he sits down in the back room with the Cheftestants.
Uh oh, this could be serious. Tom (and the others) are NOT happy. The food was NOT inspiring. Wait, could they be sending home MULTIPLE people this week?!? After all: YOU DON’T WIN WITH A DEVILED EGG!! Watch out people – Tom is pissed!!!
But then there is another Christmas Miracle: no one is going home. Never mind about that whole pissed off thing. Everyone is safe.
Huh??? Um, I thought that was the whole idea behind each challenge - to get rid of the people that sucked.
So, basically, EVERYONE sucked this week – but everyone stays. Bah Humbug!!! Merry Friggin’ Christmas.
Next week: “Dis is Top Chefs, no Top Scallops”…
