December is my busiest month at work - so I needed to cut corners somewhere. Therefore, I'd like to present my Top Chef Recap, in 750 words or less:
Last week: Rock Stars - Snotty S'mores - Richard The Pooh went home to the Hundred Acre Wood. It made me sad. Read all about it HERE.
This week - Brooklyn SMOG ALERT! Jeff and his Hair are lifting 1/2-ounce girl dumbbells. Not Hot.
Papi Alex is sad too. He reads letter from departed roommate GayRichard. Alex cries. But Alex is getting married. To a girl. He is not gay. Like his ex-roommate. Papis are hot. Especially when they cry about their gay roommates.
Quickfire Challenge. Rocco Dispirito! His face lift has settled. More natural now. Make Breakfast! Rocco likes bacon! Make it small!! An "elegant mouthful"?
Jamie The Lesbian don't know nothin' 'bout no breakfast. She prefers Beefaroni. It's a Lesbian thing. I think.
Stefan of Finland has a tool! Rocco has seen his tool before.
Fabio is clueless about breakfast too! Cooks something foreign for the "fake Italian" Rocco.
UTENSILS DOWN - HANDS UP, BITCHES!!
Judging. Jeff and his Hair can't count to one. StraightBear Daniel likes fried zucchini sticks for breakfast. He is chubby.
Leah wins, again. Has immunity, again. The Lesbian is pissed, again.
Elimination challenge. Demonstrate some cooking for fake TV! You have 2 1/2 minutes and must speak perfect Eengleesh. Fabio is screwed.
Whole Foods - shopping. It is "Cut Your Own Fish Day"! Papi Alex will do dessert. He will get noticed for this. Alex is tricky. And cute. Did I mention I like Papis? Yes? Sorry.
Top Chef Kitchen - COOKING!! Rushing around! Crazy Carla is making soup. It will be bad for her "psychologically" if she ends up on the bottom. I believe her.
Time to demonstrate! Daniel is very friggin charismatic and wants to make friggin' movies and own a bunch of friggin' restaurants. Fuggettaboutit. Ariane does well. Miss New Jersey in the Hizzy! Leah and Jamie kinda suck. Jamie tries to give the judges Salmonella, so she can win by default. It's a Lesbian thing. I think. Alex does bad. Alex is sad - again. Someone named Melissa is on this show. She doesn't cook very well. It is a shame.
Judging. Carla makes Rocco nervous. Me too. Leah is lucky to have immunity. Hosea is getting lucky (with Leah) later. Jeff and Ariane did well. So did Fabio. No so good Eeengleesh - no problemo.
Back at apartment - sleeping. 2:00 am. Tom wakes up winners. They go to Today Show. Fabio calls it "Da Morning Show". Dat's on CBS. Dis is Today. On NBC.
Each will cook. Four ladies will taste food "on camera" and choose winner. The losers watch in apartment on TV. Someone named Bianca is a "Food Stylist". She is fancy.
The ladies likee Ariane. They likee Fabio, but he cannot understand their Eengleesh. He is confused. But still cute. Kathy Lee Gifford spits out Jeff's dish. Nope - too easy. I will say no more about this. I have standards.
"There she is ... Miss New Jersey...". Ariane wins. She is happy. Meredith hugs her. Ariane will present a dish tomorrow on Today. Or is that today on Tomorrow? I am confused.
Melissa, Jamie, and Alex are on the bottom. We don't have to worry about Carla and her psychology. Yet.
Melissa tried to burn the judges with hot peppers. It works. I have seen it on cartoons. Fire comes out of their mouths, and everyone laughs. Melissa wants to be on Top Chef more than a certain person who is getting married. To a girl.
Jamie doesn't know how to cook an egg. She doesn't do breakfast. She tried to warn them. They didn't listen.
Alex tried to do Creme Brulee. It takes 3 weeks to cook. He had one hour. He is getting married to a girl. He is not gay. And has no concept of time. But he is kinda cute. I'll shut up now.
Not So Glad Storage Room. Hosea is now massaging Melissa. What happened to Leah? They don't call him HOSEa for nothing!
Back in front of Judges. Alex, please pack your knives and go. Bye-bye Papi. I will miss you. Call me if that girl thing doesn't work out.
Next week - Gail and her Boobies are getting married!?! I am sad.
Last week: Rock Stars - Snotty S'mores - Richard The Pooh went home to the Hundred Acre Wood. It made me sad. Read all about it HERE.
This week - Brooklyn SMOG ALERT! Jeff and his Hair are lifting 1/2-ounce girl dumbbells. Not Hot.
Papi Alex is sad too. He reads letter from departed roommate GayRichard. Alex cries. But Alex is getting married. To a girl. He is not gay. Like his ex-roommate. Papis are hot. Especially when they cry about their gay roommates.
Quickfire Challenge. Rocco Dispirito! His face lift has settled. More natural now. Make Breakfast! Rocco likes bacon! Make it small!! An "elegant mouthful"?
Jamie The Lesbian don't know nothin' 'bout no breakfast. She prefers Beefaroni. It's a Lesbian thing. I think.
Stefan of Finland has a tool! Rocco has seen his tool before.
Fabio is clueless about breakfast too! Cooks something foreign for the "fake Italian" Rocco.
UTENSILS DOWN - HANDS UP, BITCHES!!
Judging. Jeff and his Hair can't count to one. StraightBear Daniel likes fried zucchini sticks for breakfast. He is chubby.
Leah wins, again. Has immunity, again. The Lesbian is pissed, again.
Elimination challenge. Demonstrate some cooking for fake TV! You have 2 1/2 minutes and must speak perfect Eengleesh. Fabio is screwed.
Whole Foods - shopping. It is "Cut Your Own Fish Day"! Papi Alex will do dessert. He will get noticed for this. Alex is tricky. And cute. Did I mention I like Papis? Yes? Sorry.
Top Chef Kitchen - COOKING!! Rushing around! Crazy Carla is making soup. It will be bad for her "psychologically" if she ends up on the bottom. I believe her.
Time to demonstrate! Daniel is very friggin charismatic and wants to make friggin' movies and own a bunch of friggin' restaurants. Fuggettaboutit. Ariane does well. Miss New Jersey in the Hizzy! Leah and Jamie kinda suck. Jamie tries to give the judges Salmonella, so she can win by default. It's a Lesbian thing. I think. Alex does bad. Alex is sad - again. Someone named Melissa is on this show. She doesn't cook very well. It is a shame.
Judging. Carla makes Rocco nervous. Me too. Leah is lucky to have immunity. Hosea is getting lucky (with Leah) later. Jeff and Ariane did well. So did Fabio. No so good Eeengleesh - no problemo.
Back at apartment - sleeping. 2:00 am. Tom wakes up winners. They go to Today Show. Fabio calls it "Da Morning Show". Dat's on CBS. Dis is Today. On NBC.
Each will cook. Four ladies will taste food "on camera" and choose winner. The losers watch in apartment on TV. Someone named Bianca is a "Food Stylist". She is fancy.
The ladies likee Ariane. They likee Fabio, but he cannot understand their Eengleesh. He is confused. But still cute. Kathy Lee Gifford spits out Jeff's dish. Nope - too easy. I will say no more about this. I have standards.
"There she is ... Miss New Jersey...". Ariane wins. She is happy. Meredith hugs her. Ariane will present a dish tomorrow on Today. Or is that today on Tomorrow? I am confused.
Melissa, Jamie, and Alex are on the bottom. We don't have to worry about Carla and her psychology. Yet.
Melissa tried to burn the judges with hot peppers. It works. I have seen it on cartoons. Fire comes out of their mouths, and everyone laughs. Melissa wants to be on Top Chef more than a certain person who is getting married. To a girl.
Jamie doesn't know how to cook an egg. She doesn't do breakfast. She tried to warn them. They didn't listen.
Alex tried to do Creme Brulee. It takes 3 weeks to cook. He had one hour. He is getting married to a girl. He is not gay. And has no concept of time. But he is kinda cute. I'll shut up now.
Not So Glad Storage Room. Hosea is now massaging Melissa. What happened to Leah? They don't call him HOSEa for nothing!
Back in front of Judges. Alex, please pack your knives and go. Bye-bye Papi. I will miss you. Call me if that girl thing doesn't work out.
Next week - Gail and her Boobies are getting married!?! I am sad.
