On last week’s
Project Runway: the models did the shopping, Queen Amidala did the judging, and Suede did the annoying (and the winning). And sad Wesley did the leaving. See my Episode 2 recap
here.
It’s morning in the Atlas apartments, and Daniel is missing Wesley. “We were connecting”, Daniel says. And by “connecting”, he means "screwing". The kids don’t waste any time these days.
On to the runway for model selection. Suede, as the winner last week, can stick with his model, or swap with someone else. “Suede loves Tia”, Suede annoyingly says – and he stays with his model. “David hates Suede”, I say, still plotting to stab him in the neck with a dirty fork.
Heidi instructs the fashiontestants to head back to the apartments and prepare for a “night on the town”. Tim, dressed like a flasher in a long raincoat, gathers everyone and takes them to the “City Sights” double-decker tour bus stop. These are the stalkers who harass me every day on my way to work. They yell “City Tour?!?” and “Double-Decker Bus Tour!!” every morning as they try to sell me a ticket to see my own city. Outta my way, I'm late!!
The challenge this week will be to design a look inspired by New York at night. The bus will make four stops, discharging designers along the way. The designers will take photos, and choose one photo to be their inspiration for their outfit.
For a bunch of people riding on the top of an open-air bus in the rain, they seem to have a good time. Stella, a native New Yorker, remarks that she’s never been on one of these buses, but it’s “amazing”. She is so high. I’ve never been on one of those buses either, but Mama Bunny and StepDaddy are visiting me this weekend, so maybe I’ll put them on a bus. After all, Burnout Stella recommended it!
First stop: Columbus Circle. Suede, Daniel, and the two white girls who I can’t tell apart disembark. One of the girls is a “Silent Fashion Assassin”, and the other has some connection to “Salvador Dali”. Or maybe one’s a “Salvador Fashion Assassin” and the other is a “Silent Dolly”. Like I said, I can’t tell them apart. Anywhoo, they get off the bus and start taking pictures.
Next stop: Times Square.
Tango thinks the area is “stimulating”. He should have been here before they cleaned it up – stimulation came fast, cheap and easy - which will be the name of Tango's upcoming fashion collection. Tango wonders if there is a tanning salon around. I suggest he presses his face against the huge neon Coca-Cola sign – that should do the trick.
Keith is one of the Times Square wanderers, and is getting hated on by Kenley and Stella. He tells us about his Mormon family back in his hometown of Salt Lake City, where it is extremely “difficult to be gay”. So Kenley’s and Stella’s stank doesn’t bother him – he has been hated on by the Church of Latter Day Saints, bitches! Keith also remarks that he has thought about moving to New York City. Darling Keith: I have PLENTY of room in my apartment, as long as you keep your shirt off. Oh, and I have some socks that need darning.
Third stop: the NYC Public Library. This is where I watch the Gay Pride parade every year (there is shade under the trees, a bathroom, and my favorite Dollar Store is across the street). This neighborhood is DEAD at night, and I can’t imagine what they would find that would be “inspiring”.
Last stop: Greenwich Village. I notice they are one block away from where I work. Terri takes a picture of some graffiti, which – for the record – I didn’t create. But I DID spray paint the phrase “David Dust Is a SEXY BEAST” down the block. It never hurts to advertise.
Later, it’s bedtime in the Atlas apartments, and JerHell puts on his Queen Helene Mint Julep Mask. They also show Tango in teeny, tiny shorts and no shirt. I think it was that exact moment when my sick kitty Emmy barfed on my notes. I’m serious! Even cats shouldn’t have to see that, especially sick ones.
The next day in the workroom, the fashiontestants select one picture for their inspiration, and then everybody heads to Mood for fabric shopping. Stella keeps yelling “Who’s helping me?!?”. This is the same phrase she has uttered at Detox Clinics all over New York City. Terri, who’s very sassy today, instructs her helper at Mood: “Give me three yards, and let’s bounce”. Keep it real, girl.
Back in the workroom, Tim tells everyone they will have until 1:00 am to finish. Suede pins his name on the mannequin with his winning design from last week – and then kisses it on the boobie. “Suede has issues”, I think to myself, followed by “Where is that dirty fork?” Speaking of boobies, sexy Keith is displaying some perky Mormon nipples. It must be cold in the workroom today.
Tango stares at Kenley with his crackhead bug-eyes, and says in a weird voice: “I am gonna eat you”. He has turned into The Lord of the Ring’s villain “Gollum” – with a tan. He is trying a little TOO hard to be a “character” on reality television. Kenley calls him a “total weirdo”, which doesn’t even begin to cover it.
In the midst of working, the designers hate on the other designers’ outfits. Straight Joe hates on Kenley’s outfit. Kenley hates on Emily. Burnout Stella hates on Keith. Daniel hates on Jennifer, but that’s just because he’s horny and misses his “connection” with sad boy Wesley.
Burnout Stella is working with …
all together now … LEAH-THA! She is hammering studs into her leah-tha, and remarks “what a gay little grommet!” – obviously referring to Tango. Her noisy grommet-pounding is pissing everyone off, but Stella is remaining true to her edgy roots. “I’m gonna die being rock and roll”! If “being rock and roll” means “heroin overdose”, then I can believe it.
Tim does his consultations. Terri is all about “street culture”, and describes her look as “street” and “funk”. This also describes Stella’s condition after a week-long bender. Tim no likee Emily’s “black dress with an oversized corsage”, but Emily thinks she knows better and ignores Tim’s advice. For true fans of the show, you know what that means.
Before Tim leaves, Tango tries to teach him to say “Holla atcha boy!”. Terri has to step in – after all, she is from the streets, yo – to spell “H-o-l-l-a”. Tim gives us a “make it work carry on holla atcha boy” as he walks out the door, and I wish someone would shove a darned sock in Tango’s mouth and nip this catch-phrase bullshit in the bud. What a Gay Little Grommet!
It’s the morning of the runway show, and we get our gratuitous peek at a shirtless Keith. Keith asks Suede “How you doing?”. “Suede’s OK”, Suede replies. “Suede is the most annoying biatch on the planet”, I think to myself. Remind me to Google the term “Jugular Vein”, so I know EXACTLY where to stick that dirty fork…
Everyone scrambles with hair, makeup, and last-minute adjustments before Tim herds them to the runway.
On the runway, Heidi is rocking a short, shiny, and tight outfit (!). Today’s guest judge is the hilarious Sandra Bernhard. Burnout Stella has her pretty “runway day” makeup on – her lip liner is fierce and she looks like Toni Basil! I love it when junkies clean up nicely.
Bitches walk, and when it’s over the judges want to see Keith, Kenley, Emily, Terri, and the two Silent Salvador Fashion Dali Assassins. The rest are safe.
The judges likee Kenley’s outfit, but when Sandra Bernhard says the word “goiter”, Nina looks like she wants to barf like my kitty. Nina thinks Kenley’s dress looks like LaCroix or Ungaro updated for today. Michael likes the “power-bitch” aspect of Kenley’s garment.
Keith’s inspiration was an old, wet and dirty magazine – and it shows. Michael thinks it looks like “toilet paper caught in a windstorm”. Keith’s Mormon nipples instantly deflate upon hearing this.
Sandra Bernhard thinks Terri’s graffiti-inspired outfit is “fierce” and looks like “I have a knife, and I’ll cut you up!”. If someone is going to be cutting, please find Suede immediately. Or the Gay Little Grommet.
The judges no likee Emily’s dress. Nina Garcia compares it to “Carmen Miranda”, but later say’s “no comment” – which Michael calls the worst critique of all. And Sandra calls it “cha-cha”. And if there’s anyone who knows about the “cha-cha”, it’s big lez Sandra Bernhard.
Everyone lines back up onstage for the results. Streetwise Terri is safe, and
Kenley is the winner. White girl twin Leanne is also safe.
Of the bottom three, Keith is safe, because someone has to keep us Gays happy with his perky nipples and tattooed hairy chest. This leaves Emily and her Cha-Cha dress, and other white girl twin Jennifer and her “matronly” clock-inspired dress.
Emily is sent home – yet another victim of “IDidntListenToTimGunnitis”. She leaves still thinking that her dress was “beautiful”. When will they ever learn that NO ONE knows better than Tim Gunn? Holla atcha boy!
