On the last episode of Top Chef, Darling Nikki was sent packing for poor pasta, and Andrew managed to maintain his culinary boner even during a Crystal Meth binge.
It’s morning in Chicago, and our cheftestants are looking used up and worn out. Richard remarks that they stayed up for 40 hours during the “Wedding Wars” challenge, and now they are up once again. Dale and Spike are sleepily ignoring each other in the bathroom – things have been tense between them ever since Spike called Dale “a little bitch” at the last Judges’ Table.
But there is one cheftestant who is definitely NOT tired! Andrew says he woke up with a “fire inside his stomach” (is that a side effect of meth?) and is “still crazy!” In fact he says he’s SO crazy this morning that he’s either going to “stab someone” or “make some amazing food”! If I was a gambling man, I’d bet on the stabbing.
Andrew has been relatively quiet lately. Until last week and his “culinary boner”, I had almost forgotten about “Fucky McDouchebag’s” antics. But based on his recent behavior, Fucky is obviously dipping into his “Sea Salt” supply – which comes individually packaged in tiny gram-sized Ziploc baggies. I wonder if Ziploc is a member of the “Glad Family of Products”?
It’s morning in Chicago, and our cheftestants are looking used up and worn out. Richard remarks that they stayed up for 40 hours during the “Wedding Wars” challenge, and now they are up once again. Dale and Spike are sleepily ignoring each other in the bathroom – things have been tense between them ever since Spike called Dale “a little bitch” at the last Judges’ Table.
But there is one cheftestant who is definitely NOT tired! Andrew says he woke up with a “fire inside his stomach” (is that a side effect of meth?) and is “still crazy!” In fact he says he’s SO crazy this morning that he’s either going to “stab someone” or “make some amazing food”! If I was a gambling man, I’d bet on the stabbing.
Andrew has been relatively quiet lately. Until last week and his “culinary boner”, I had almost forgotten about “Fucky McDouchebag’s” antics. But based on his recent behavior, Fucky is obviously dipping into his “Sea Salt” supply – which comes individually packaged in tiny gram-sized Ziploc baggies. I wonder if Ziploc is a member of the “Glad Family of Products”?
Quickfire:
Padma enters the Top Chef Kitchen with Chef Sam Talbot from Season Two. Antonia immediately remarks that Sam is “tall, dark, and handsome” AND he can cook. “Sign me up” she says – and I wonder if I can get my name on that list also. But before signing up, I have a few questions: Exactly how does this list work once I sign up? Will it be like Yankees playoff tickets – will wristbands be involved? Will I have to stand in line to get my turn? I definitely need more information…
Anywhoo, Padma explains that today’s Quickfire will be all about tossing salad. Not only simply tossing the salad – but tossing that salad in a “modern” and “sexy” way. I don’t know how you can MODERNIZE tossing salad – but there are definitely ways in which to do it in a sexy manner. They will have 45 minutes to toss salad – which is a LONG time. Most people get tired after about 5 minutes of tossing salad – so I’m looking forward to seeing how this goes. Is Sam going to be tossing salad as well? Is salad tossing included once I get my name on Sam’s list?
Spike remarks that HIS salad is going to make people scream “let’s have sex!”. Isn’t that the whole point of tossing salad in the first place?
Richard is ruminating over the word “salad”. It’s a “loose word” (speak for yourself, buddy!), so he might not ACTUALLY toss a salad, he may just do a “play on” tossing a salad. In my opinion, if you’re going to toss a salad you really just have to get in there and do it.
Lisa remarks that some people do not deserve to remain in the competition, and certain people “suck ass”. Don’t these people have an unfair advantage in this Quickfire challenge? When Lisa says the words “suck ass”, they show Dale preparing to toss some salad. Because we had absolutely NO clue who she was talking about.
Padma yells “utensils down – hand’s up”, and even puts HER hands in the air to show that she has removed them from Sam’s ass. Stephanie is upset because she didn’t finish tossing her salad before time was up. She likes to take her time and toss it right.
Sam and Padma walk around tasting salad. Sam no likee:
Richard – His “fresh and clean” salad wasn’t fresh and clean at all. And TRUST ME, you ALWAYS want that shit to be fresh and clean.
Stephanie – She must remember to budget her time wisely, and complete the salad toss in the time allotted.
Lisa – Her salad tasted like bananas.
Sam likee:
Antonia – Sam thought her salad was sexy. I’m sure the feeling was mutual.
Dale – Sam liked that “little bitch’s” Asian salad.
Spike – Sam LOVED the “well-balanced” flavor of Spike’s salad. No word as to whether or not it made Sam want to have sex, but SPIKE IS THE WINNER. Spike tosses one sexy salad – which Mark and Andrew can confirm.
Padma reminds Spike that although his ability to toss a mean salad won’t win him immunity, he will be rewarded. This is typically the case with talented salad-tossers. Rent a prison movie if you don’t believe me.
Elimination:
Sam and Padma bring in trays of greasy burgers, fries and onion rings – and I’m starting to get HONGRAY! Padma remarks that obesity and diabetes is a huge problem in the U.S., and Sam informs us that he is a diabetic and has trouble finding flavorful food which is low in carbs and sugar. And you just KNOW that Padma struggles with obesity every day. Poor dear.
This greasy fast food represents a typical lunch for the Cadets at the Chicago Police Academy. The Elimination challenge will be to create a nutritious, satisfying, and tasty gourmet boxed lunch using at least one item from each category:
Whole Grains
Lean Proteins
Fruits
Vegetables
Spike learns that his excellent salad-tossing skills have earned him 10 extra minutes of shopping, and he will get to select one item from each of the 4 food-groups above that NO ONE else will be able to use. Stephanie remarks that Spike is the absolute worst person to have this advantage because he will screw everyone else. Andrew vows to make some “fancy shit” that will make the judges say “wow” while making weird hand gestures and I start to wonder if we’ll be seeing this Tweaker on A & E's Intervention one day.
Everyone heads over to Whole Foods, and the cheftestants line up and watch Spike fuck them over. And Sneaky Spike is loving every minute of it, saying “now it’s time to piss everyone off” while smiling and waving at the cheftestants who don’t toss salad nearly as well as he does. Sore losers!
Spike decides to choose Chicken, Tomatoes, Bread, and Lettuce – the four most obvious ingredients one would use for a boxed lunch. Spike has realized there is no way he will win Top Chef with his cooking ability, so he’s going to have to continue being sneaky. “Nothing personal” he tells the others, adding “have fun!” with a sly smile. He’s acting like a TOTAL “Butt Munch” right now… What?? Too much?!? Sorry.
Andrew isn’t bothered by Spike’s choices at all. Andrew studied Nutrition for two years and while the others are wandering aimlessly around Whole Foods – HE is “like a dart, on point”. Of course, he’s also talking to the items on the shelves. “Hello Hot Sauce! How’s it going Marmalade?!?” At the checkout, he wants the others to “smell his success” and he’s starting to make Whitney, Britney and Lindsay look like recreational users.
The cheftestants return to the Top Chef Kitchen, where they’ll have two hours to prepare and pack up their meals.
Andrew has decided to do sushi, because when you want to feed a hungry police cadet after a tough day on the obstacle course – you immediately think of a tuna roll. And instead of rice, Tweaky McDouchbag has decided to grind up parsnips and pinenuts. Because that’s what the voices in his head told him to do.
Lisa is doing a shrimp stir-fry with lots of veggies and rice. Andrew, in a rare moment of clarity, informs Lisa that shrimp are very high in cholesterol, so she should use them sparingly. Lisa processes this information, then proceeds to UNDERCOOK the shrimp. Huh?!? The voices in HER head need to quit chatting about softball and Xena and start giving Lisa some better advice.
Chef Tom Colicchio comes in for his usual visit. He gags on Lisa’s hot sauce, questions Spike’s use of tomatoes, and tastes Stephanie’s meatball mushroom leek soup. Richard is in ass-kiss mode (as usual) and asks Tom: “Do you like burritos”? Tom, as usual, isn’t falling for the asskissery and answers “it depends”. Richard continues his attempt to bond with Tom, saying he’s nervous and doesn’t “want to go home over a boxed lunch”. Perhaps Richard should have tossed Tom a salad …
All of a sudden, LesbiLisa is in full “freaked out diesel dyke” mode – SCREAMING that someone “cranked” her burner! Andrew nervously looks up from his sushi because he thought she found his “Crank”, er, SEA SALT. Lisa is convinced that someone is trying to SABOTAGE her rice – but everyone dismisses it as Lisa trying to cover up a mistake. Please ignore the screaming lesbian at the stove with the bad attitude and dirty hair and continue cooking…
The cheftestants pack everything into Glad products and head over to the Police Academy. At the Academy cafeteria, they make labels with re-heating instructions for their lunches. The cops enter and begin to make their selections.
Antonia remarks that the cadets are nice – and she doesn’t have any outstanding parking tickets, so she’s not worried. Richard is asking EVERY SINGLE police officer the “question of the day” – “Do you like burritos”. He is kissing ass just like he would with Chef Tom, which leads me to believe that Richard DOES have outstanding parking tickets. Or maybe a restraining order.
Andrew is his typical drug-addled self – handing out his sushi while saying in that rapid-fire crackhead voice: “Please enjoy, my friend”, and not making eye contact. Drugs are bad…mmkay?!
Salad-tossing Spike is trying to be sneaky and only leaving two of his Chicken Salad lunches on his table at a time – saying “they’re going fast!”. Unfortunately for him, it doesn’t matter how many he gives away, all that matters is what the judges think. Even Lisa realizes his strategy is “pointless”. Excellent Salad Tosser?...Yes. Rocket Scientist?...No.
The judges: Tom, Padma, Sam Talbot, and Ted Allen enter the cafeteria. Apparently Gail and her boobies were not included in this episode. Gail + Sexy Sam + Salad Tossing = recipe for disaster. So the gay guy is here instead.
Stephanie’s “hearty” Meatball Soup goes over well, as does Antonia’s Curry Beef and Dale’s Lemongrass Bison Lettuce Wraps.
Sam approaches Richard, who asks “do you like burritos?” and I’m starting to hope that when Andrew starts stabbing, he aims for Richard’s voice box. Sam takes the burrito, and the judges likee.
Spike is losing his salad-tossing touch already – the judges no likee his Chicken Salad. Padma calls it “pedestrian”, and you just know she’s been waiting to use that word ever since she learned it. They are also unimpressed with Lisa’s dish, with Padma noting that her rice was “undercooked” – a word which Padma has known and used for a while.
Ted approaches Andrew to get one of his Salmon Rolls. Tweaky McCrackhead gives Ted some sushi, along with a 15 minute speech about nutrition and tooth decay. All without looking Ted in the eye or taking a breath.
Back at the table, Padma calls Andrew’s sushi “strange” and Ted comments that the “flavor is not great”. The Producers immediately hire some of the Police Cadets for additional security … just in case.
Service is over, and everyone is packing up to head back to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. Everyone, that is, except Andrew – who is doing a weird Robot dance. Hey, when the voices say “dance”, he dances.
Commercial Break: Project Runway in July! YEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!! Does that mean they are filming now?!? I need to start stalking Parsons (it’s near my favorite Dollar Store) for Tim Gunn and Heidi sightings.
More Bravo Commercials: Shear Genius is returning! DO NOT EVEN ASK – I will NOT recap that mess because I DON’T do hair. I will also ignore the new season of Flipping Out because crazy people scare me.
Back in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, the cheftestants are pointing out to Andrew that he didn’t use all 4 food groups – he didn’t have any grain. And just like the childish crackhead he is, reply’s “oh, really?” and mumbles something about not looking at the rule sheet. And the dog ate his homework.
Padma calls Dale and Stephanie to stand before the judges– they are the top two. Chef Tom liked the flavor and texture of the Dale’s Bison – to which Dale responds that he REALLY wanted to satisfy those cops. I’m sure I have a DVD somewhere about a Filipino guy who LIVES to satisfy cops … I wonder if Dale is in it?
Anywhoo, the Judges also really enjoyed Stephanie’s soup – but Dale is announced to be the winner. He receives a bottle of wine and a trip to Napa Valley. Dale notes that he’s won 5 of 20 challenges, but I think he needs to toss a better salad if he wants to get ahead in this business.
Dale informs Spike, Andrew, and Lisa that they need to head to the Judges Table and I am so happy one of these 3 idiots will be going home.
The three of them enter the room, and stand glaring at the judges with arms folded. Andrew, eyes blinking like he was in a sandstorm, can barely contain himself. He is one nervous tick away from that stabbing he mentioned earlier.
Padma begins by asking Andrew if he thought his sushi was “substantial enough” to feed Police Officers. Andrew proceeds to insanely lecture the judges about eating “fist-sized meals” every three hours – talking to them like they are complete idiots. Hey, Padma might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but she’s a judge nonetheless. Andrew even questions whether or not “satisfying” was actually one of the requirements on the rule sheet. He is practically foaming at the mouth by now, ranting about how he made a dish that was nutritious, but Tom cuts him off by saying “How about making something GOOD”.
You would think that would have shut homeboy up. Oh no – the voices in his head are screaming for revenge. Andrew counters with: “Really? That’s funny – people came back for more!”. Tom: “They went back because it wasn’t enough”. Padma and Ted simultaneously push the “panic” buttons hidden under the judges table. Security is suited up and getting ready to BRING IT.
The judges decide to let Andrew and his insanity simmer for a minute, and move on to Spike. They call him out on his use of the four ingredients – 3 of which he basically used as a garnish. Spike smugly stands there and doesn’t deny his strategy was to screw his fellow cheftestants. Tom comments about his odd combination of olives and grapes, to which Spike snaps – “Salty and Sweet! What don’t you understand about salty and sweet?”. Oh Shit, Andrew’s voices are speaking to Spike now too!
Spike isn’t quitting either. He basically questions the judges taste – saying the “common people” thought it was “amazing”.
Tom: “It wasn’t”
Spike: “In your opinion”
Tom: “My opinion is the one that matters, bitch!”
Lisa, who has been standing quietly letting these two assholes dig their own graves, is asked “Why are you here”?
“I don’t know – you tell me!” she snaps. The voices are now speaking to all three of these losers. She tries the “it was SABOTAGE bitches!” excuse – but the judges don’t buy it.
After a little more back and forth, Padma asks if anyone has anything else to add. Because this particular judges table has been so uneventful and boring, you know.
The lesbian just can’t keep her damn mouth shut. She throws Andrew under the bus for not including a grain in his dish – which the judges were already aware of. Now we know who Andrew will be stabbing. Lisa even remarks that she needs to shut up for fear of being punched. When you intimidate a lesbian, you are one scary motha.
Andrew starts taking about “going against the grain” (get it?!?) and then said that he lost his rule sheet. The dog did indeed eat his homework. The three losers leave the Judge’s Table and return to the NSG Storage Room.
Andrew and the voices stare Lisa down with the crazy-eyes – freaking everyone out. Andrew starts babbling about giving Lisa advice about shrimp and she still threw him under the bus and why isn’t Julio answering his pager – I NEED MORE DRUGS!!!! I hope you’re fucking happy!!!!!!! Dale sits quietly grinning – appreciating the fact that someone else is yelling at Lisa for a change.
The judges call them back in, and tell Andrew to pack his knives (seriously, don’t let him touch his knives!!) and go. Andrew responds by saying “no security necessary” (DON’T BELIVE HIM – RUN!!!!!) and says he will bow out with “honor and respect”.
“If I may shake your hand?”, Crazy McTweakbag asks. The judges nod yes, and all I can think of is that crazy bastard has some kind of flesh-eating bacteria on his palms and this is how he will exact his revenge. Hey, if the voices tell him to smear Ebola on his hands, Andrew smears Ebola on his hands.
Andrew states that he harbors no ill will toward the others – but he will never speak to those stank bitches either. Except Spike – who he describes as his “boy” and “mad cool”. Even through addiction and insanity, love endures. Besides, Spike is an excellent tosser of the salad.
Next week – IT’S RESTAURANT WARS! Till then bitches!!!
