First of all, I have to say how much I hate Bloggers who start their recaps with complaints about the show they’re about to rehash. It doesn’t give the reader much motivation to continue reading. But this time I’ve got to say it: last night’s episode was the MOST predictable in Top Chef History. And for some reason the producers needed an extra 15 minutes to tell this MOST predictable story. I felt somewhat violated and used by Bravo, and just a little trashy after it was all over. And not in a “I think that go-go boy stole my wallet but at least the sex was good” kind of way.
So I won’t be offended if you stop reading here. Just go directly to the “comments” section and say how FAB-U-LOUS my recap was, and we’ll call it even. Yes, I’m encouraging you to lie – for the sake of my fragile ego.
For those of you kind enough to march ahead, here we go.
During last week’s “warm and fuzzy” episode, Antonia won both the Quickfire and the Elimination challenges, we found out Nikki was raised by a single parent (which didn’t impress the judges), racist rice is fast and convenient, and Kiwi Mark was sent packing. CRIKEY! Read my recap here.
This week’s episode opens on a sunny morning with Andrew attacking Spike in his bed. Now that Mark is gone, Andrew has no rival for Spike’s affections – so the formerly fat and currently insane Andrew decides to go for it. And by the looks of things, Andrew is a top.
Spike is really bummed about Mark’s departure. Those drunken bubble baths were fun – and Spike’s orifices have never been so clean. Andrew lies and says he too misses Mark, but that’s all a ploy to get back into Spike’s pants. A dude will say ANYTHING for a shot at a clean orifice. Trust me.
Quickfire Challenge
The cheftestants enter the kitchen, and we see Padma with Tom Colicchio – Top Chef’s Head Judge. The producers obviously ran out of ideas (and famous Chefs willing to work with racist rice) – so they had to go in-house for this challenge.
Padma informs everyone that the Quickfire winners will no longer have immunity. She also says that they are bringing back two challenges which have been featured in past seasons. Because if you want to make a show exciting during May Sweeps, you should just repeat stuff you’ve done before.
The cheftestants will be separated into two teams, which is done by the traditional “knife pull”. In case you’re unfamiliar – instead of flipping a coin or drawing straws to provide randomness, they ‘pull knives’ which reveal a word or symbol. Here are the two teams:
Team “Fork”: Nikki, Spike, Lisa, and Dale – heretofore known as “The Losers”
So I won’t be offended if you stop reading here. Just go directly to the “comments” section and say how FAB-U-LOUS my recap was, and we’ll call it even. Yes, I’m encouraging you to lie – for the sake of my fragile ego.
For those of you kind enough to march ahead, here we go.
During last week’s “warm and fuzzy” episode, Antonia won both the Quickfire and the Elimination challenges, we found out Nikki was raised by a single parent (which didn’t impress the judges), racist rice is fast and convenient, and Kiwi Mark was sent packing. CRIKEY! Read my recap here.
This week’s episode opens on a sunny morning with Andrew attacking Spike in his bed. Now that Mark is gone, Andrew has no rival for Spike’s affections – so the formerly fat and currently insane Andrew decides to go for it. And by the looks of things, Andrew is a top.
Spike is really bummed about Mark’s departure. Those drunken bubble baths were fun – and Spike’s orifices have never been so clean. Andrew lies and says he too misses Mark, but that’s all a ploy to get back into Spike’s pants. A dude will say ANYTHING for a shot at a clean orifice. Trust me.
Quickfire Challenge
The cheftestants enter the kitchen, and we see Padma with Tom Colicchio – Top Chef’s Head Judge. The producers obviously ran out of ideas (and famous Chefs willing to work with racist rice) – so they had to go in-house for this challenge.
Padma informs everyone that the Quickfire winners will no longer have immunity. She also says that they are bringing back two challenges which have been featured in past seasons. Because if you want to make a show exciting during May Sweeps, you should just repeat stuff you’ve done before.
The cheftestants will be separated into two teams, which is done by the traditional “knife pull”. In case you’re unfamiliar – instead of flipping a coin or drawing straws to provide randomness, they ‘pull knives’ which reveal a word or symbol. Here are the two teams:
Team “Fork”: Nikki, Spike, Lisa, and Dale – heretofore known as “The Losers”
Team “Spoon”: Andrew, Antonia, Richard, and Stephanie – which we will refer to as “Team Winner”
There has NEVER been a more lopsided contest in the history of “reality” television. The members of Team Winner have won the vast majority of the challenges – and are simply better chefs than the members of Team Loser. This is like the New York Yankees playing the New Jersey Little League champs. It’s not going to be pretty.
Padma tells them that they will be doing the always-popular Relay Race. This season’s relay will consist of 4 items: oranges, artichokes, monkfish and homemade mayonnaise. The teams must quickly decide who does what.
Team Loser immediately displays their dysfunction. No one wants to do mayonnaise – and it’s pissing Dale off. Of course Dale also hates puppies and springtime, so this isn’t a surprise. He is pissed that Nikki is “scared” of making mayo by hand, and asks the question: “why are you still here?!?”. He’s not the only one asking that question.
Chef Tom blows the whistle and the relay begins:
Antonia and Lisa start with oranges – Lisa is good with her fruit (and her blade) and creates a big lead.
Andrew and Spike face off with artichokes. Spike has a head start, but Andrew is using a peeler and catches up. Both teams finish even.
Richard and Dale are next – filleting Monkfish. Richard is talented (predictably), and Dale is fast but sloppy (predictably). Both teams are still even.
Finally, Stephanie and Nikki go head-to-head in making mayo. Stephanie is going slow and steady and looks like she’s cruising to a win. Douchy Dale has worked himself into a lather and is screaming words of ‘encouragement’ to Nikki. “Come on Staten Island!!!”, he yells – attempting to appeal to her New York pride. But then he screams something about “Strong Island” – which is the nickname for Long Island and NOT Staten Island. This team can’t even cheer correctly.
Nikki decides to stop and take “a break” because she’s tired and Stephanie wins the Quickfire for Team Winner. If I were Nikki, I’d blame Dale and his ‘Strong Island’ bullshit…
Now Dale is REALLY pissed. All 5 feet, 5 inches of him. He angrily punches the kitchen locker and screams “FUCK!!!!!!” Hey buddy, YOU are the one that doesn’t know “Strong Island” from the “Boogie-Down Bronx” or “Money-Earnin’ Mount Vernon”. All the warm and fuzziness I felt for Dale during the last challenge has gone – and he is back to being “Douchy Dale”.
Elimination Challenge
Padma asks if everyone remembers the “Restaurant Wars” from past seasons. This was when two teams went head-to-head and opened competing restaurants – planning the menu, décor and coordinating the service. Everyone grins and nods “yes”, and is obviously excited.
Padma then informs them they will NOT be doing Restaurant Wars this week. In keeping with this season’s (unintentional?) theme of being “Top Caterer” and NOT Top Chef – the cheftestants will be competing in a Wedding War!
We meet Corey and JP – a young couple who will be getting married TOMORROW. Talk about waiting until the last minute to plan the reception! The cheftestants all have a “Padma-say-what?!?” look on their faces. One team will cook for the Brides’ 125 guests, and the other will cook for the Groom’s side.
The winners of the Quickfire – Team Winner – get to choose which one they want to cook for – bride or groom. The obvious choice would be to pick the groom, because you know the bride is gonna be all “I want ‘blush’ and ‘bashful’ frosting on EVERYTHING!” – and the groom is gonna be all “whatever dude – LET’S PARTY!”.
So naturally Richard picks the BRIDE. Did you REALLY think that the future winner of this season (you KNOW he’s gonna win) was going to take the easy way out? Nope, neither did I.
Each team will have $5,000 to spend at Whole Foods and Restaurant Depot – and they will work for the next 14 hours.
Andrew springs his much-anticipated “culinary boner”, because working all night is good for him. I bet he has Crystal Meth in his kitchen locker (labeled “Sea Salt”) so an all-nighter would be no problem. Or an all-weeker.
Team Loser/Groom meets with JP. Nikki IMMEDIATELY starts hitting on him – sensing that she only has 14 hours until yet another man becomes unavailable. She does NOT want her children raised by a single parent like she was. Because she WAS raised by a single parent, you know. Ask her about it sometime.
The groom likes Italian food – and Nikki is Italian – so she is totally kissing his ass. Every time he says anything, she answers with “that’s exactly how I feel”. I guess a gal will ALSO say anything to get a piece. I wonder how clean his orifices are?...
Team Winner/Bride meets with Corey. She is from the South, and Richard tries the Nikki approach of bonding – since he and Corey are both from the Atlanta area. He’s not nearly as smooth as Nikki, and the bride ain’t biting. Team Winner DOES manage to find out that Corey loves cake. THAT should be helpful.
Corey and JP leave the kitchen to prepare for their big day tomorrow. I’m sure they still have to find a wedding gown and rent a tux – but they have a few hours, so they should be just fine.
Team Loser has decided to make LoserNikki the unofficial leader because of her Italian background, and LesbianLoserLisa has offered to be “her bitch”. Nikki talks about how no one wants to work with LoserDale because he “points fingers” and “doesn’t work well with others”. Dale says he hates Lisa, and basically the vibe on his team is “everyone hates everyone”. Is that “sweet victory” I’m smelling over at Team Loser? ... No?? … OK.
Time for shopping. Over at Team Winner, the gals go in search of meat, and Richard and Andrew look for flowers. Only Richard’s familiarity with Martha Stewart (and a text message exchange with the gals) prevents him from purchasing droopy sunflowers. LoserLisa and LoserDale are forced to spend time together shopping, and I’m still smelling victory for them. Or maybe my cat just farted. Yeah, my cat DEFINITELY farted.
Back at the Top Chef Kitchen, the countdown begins … 14 hours until the wedding. I wonder if the happy couple has sent out the invitations yet?...
Team Loser has decided on the theme “Simple Italian” – and LoserNikki states “I can’t believe I’m making pasta again”. Yes indeed – THAT’S a shocker! LoserLisa is in charge of the groom’s cake – having been the groom at her Lesbian Wedding. She knows what dudes like and I am praying she makes a cake shaped like boobs. And LoserDale has a lot on his plate but says “I can handle that shit”. Dale be from the streets yo.
Over at Team Winner, everyone has their clear responsibilities and they all seem to be working well together. They have chosen “Meat and Potatoes” as their theme. Antonia is doing most of the appetizers, Stephanie is in charge of the bride’s cake, Richard is the “meat man”, and Andrew is in charge of Creamed Spinach – because tweakers can’t be trusted with complicated tasks.
It turns out that Andrew has NEVER made Creamed Spinach and he’s experiencing “Popeye’s Wet Dream” at the moment. Andrew LOVES the penis references, doesn’t he?. Richard gives Andrew some advice on how to adjust the flavor a little, which Andrew resents. He doesn’t need Richard “chiming in” with his “bullshit” and that Meth must be really kicking in right now.
The members of Team Loser are looking to Nikki for leadership, but she’s having none of it. She knows the reality competition rule – team leaders go home. But she’s the one with all the Italian knowledge (plus she basically raped the groom during their meeting) so the rest of these losers need answers. “I’m down with NOT making all the decisions”, she says. Reach for the stars Nikki!
This makes LoserDale angry. Surprised? Me neither. Rainbows and Kermit the Frog pissed him off as a bitter Filipino child. But Dale is upset about the lack of leadership, and he’s picking up all the slack and doing the “bullshit work”. Meanwhile, LoserLisa and LoserNikki are talking shit behind Dale’s back – and so is LoserSpike. Sneaky Spike decides to “help” Dale by taking over the Sea Bass dish. He decides if he concentrates on one dish, and does that one dish well, it will be an “ace in his pocket” that will impress the judges. Spike is one tricky bitch. With clean orifices.
Time is marching on and everyone is getting tired. Nikki now claims that she didn’t want to do pasta – her TEAMMATES wanted her to do it. She has a “Ragu” dispute with Dale, who correctly says Nikki “wants control, but not responsibility”. Nikki says she is “dizzy”, “tired”, and “dehydrated” and has NEVER wanted to sleep more in her life. She should see if she can score some Meth from Andrew – who is so high he has now stopped talking.
Chef Tom comes in for a visit with a cheerful and hearty “Good Morning”! The exhausted Cheftestants all have knives in their hands, and suddenly I fear for Tom’s life. Luckily they don’t stab him – but they are so tired at this point they can’t even think or talk right. Tom gives them some advice: this is an important day – a WEDDING – so they shouldn’t “dumb down” the food. But at this point it’s too late. These bitches be DUMB – especially Team Loser.
Tom makes some observations. Team Loser’s cake looks like a brown battleship, but Lisa claims the groom didn’t want to outshine the bride in the cake department. No chance of that. And Chef Tom calls Team Winner a “strong team”, which is like calling Tiger Woods a “good golfer”. Don’t “dumb it down” Tom! Everyone packs their stuff up and heads to the wedding venue.
Commercial break. Time for the Bravo Text Poll! “Which Chef Annoys You The Most”?, they ask. Oooooohhh – this should be fun! Wait, there’s only THREE CHOICES. There are still 8 bitches up in this competition! How could they possibly narrow it down to three??? The three they chose were Dale, Lisa, and Spike. Please note that ALL THREE are doomed members of Team Loser.
It’s now the day of the wedding, and the guests have gathered on someone’s lawn. The wind is blowing and I’m wondering who in the hell would plan an outdoor wedding in Chicago? But I guess when you book the venue two hours before arrival, you take what you can get.
Padma introduces the judges: Tom Colicchio, Gail Simmons, and Gale Gand – one of the top pastry chefs in Chicago.
We see the wedding ceremony: love, honor, tears, kiss … blah, blah, blah. I hate weddings. Mazel Tov, bitches!
It’s the cocktail hour, and time for the hors d’oeuvres. Everyone seems to likee Team Winner’s selections (shocking!), but Team Loser is passing some Bruschetta made with denture-destroying cement crostini. LoserLisa notes that all of Team Losers trays are stocked. If the well-stocked trays are the absolute BEST thing you can say about your appetizers, then you are in serious trouble.
The guests are seated for dinner, the newly-married couple is announced, and everyone hits the buffet.
Over at Team Winner’s buffet – Antonia and Richard are serving and schmoozing, Stephanie is running and restocking, and Andrew (and his culinary boner) is kept locked in the kitchen and far away from the guests. Antonia and Richard are predictably charming, and the guests and judges seem to enjoy the food coming from Team Winner. Shocking.
Team Loser, on the other hand, is giving off a whole different vibe. First of all, Nikki (who is a blithering idiot at this point) and ever-so-ladylike Lisa are serving. Personally, I don’t want Lisa anywhere near my tortellini. Team Loser’s only saving grace is that Spike is ALSO serving, and the middle-aged women are ALL OVER him. Of course they say they like his fish dish, but you just know they heard about his sparkling clean orifices. Word gets around. Trust me.
The guests and judges don’t seem to enjoy Team Loser’s cuisine. Padma is making faces, and Tom is bitching about the pasta. I know, shocking!
Time to cut the cake. Stephanie’s bride’s cake is a gorgeous, multi-tiered extravaganza – decorated with colorful frosting and fresh flowers. Lisa’s Lesbian cake is brown and looks like the three-story headquarters of an auto insurance company . Lisa is beaming like the friggin’ BRIDE and I’m convinced ALL these bitches are high. She seriously calls it “pretty”, but then again – she IS a lesbian.
Service is over, and it’s off to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. No one even has the energy to talk – just yawn – which is also what I’m doing . I want to get to bed just as much as these bitches do – so let’s get moving!
Team Winner is called in, and after a minor controversy over the Creamed Spinach, Team Winner is announced to be …. The LOSERS!!!! No, I’m just messing with you, they totally won. Richard is the winner (again, shocking), but he ends up sharing his win (and his $2,000 Crate & Barrel gift card) with Stephanie for making the cake. Yawn.
Team Loser is called in. They line up with folded arms and bad attitudes, ready to defend themselves. They look like a kitchen street gang – with the do-rag wearing LesbianLisa as the leader.
First of all, Chef Tom wants to know “who was driving the bus” on this ITALIAN challenge… “Definitely not me!!”, Nikki immediately exclaims. Oh shit.
Chef Tom asks who suggested the Antipasto Bar – and Nikki say’s “the groom”. All of a sudden, Nikki wasn’t even NEAR the scene of this crime.
Here is their exchange – or at least how I remember it in my sleepy mind:
Tom: “Who did the tortellini”
Nikki: “Not me”
Tom: “Who did the dry-ass pizza”
Nikki: “Your Mama”
Tom: “Who did the overcooked meat”
Nikki: “Outback Steakhouse”
Tom: “Were you even in the kitchen on the night in question”
Nikki: “I do not recall, Your Honor”
Tom: “Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?” …
Well, it was something like that. Actually, you can see the lack of sleep (and probably a few drinks) start to take over in the cheftestants. The members of Team Loser start to turn on each other and suddenly it’s on and poppin’. Dale starts bitching about how he did everything – hinting that some others didn’t pull their weight and looking at Spike. Spike starts egging him on…
Spike: “Get it all out Dude!”.
Dale: “Dude, I hustled, I straight-up hustled” (remember, Dale be from the streets).
Spike: “Point some fingers Man!”
Dale “I banged it out today”
Spike: “I banged Andrew today”
Or something like that. Gail interrupts and asked who did the Sea Bass? Spike chimes in and says HE did. Gail replies that everyone really liked it (especially the ladies), and Spike’s ace in his pocket has worked.
But Dale bursts his bubble with the best phrase of the night: “You should have liked it, it took him three hours to make!”. And on that note, they leave the judges to do their judging.
Back in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, Spike is drinking and Nikki is telling Dale that not to be “that guy”. Too late, Dale has been “That Guy” since the age of three. And apparently he’s also the ‘Most Annoying’ to Bravo viewers – with 46% of the text poll vote.
Team Loser comes back in front of the judges, and Nikki is sent home. In her parting words, she says she is “extremely proud of what I did” (really?) and will continue moving “full speed ahead” – right back to ‘Strong Island’.
There has NEVER been a more lopsided contest in the history of “reality” television. The members of Team Winner have won the vast majority of the challenges – and are simply better chefs than the members of Team Loser. This is like the New York Yankees playing the New Jersey Little League champs. It’s not going to be pretty.
Padma tells them that they will be doing the always-popular Relay Race. This season’s relay will consist of 4 items: oranges, artichokes, monkfish and homemade mayonnaise. The teams must quickly decide who does what.
Team Loser immediately displays their dysfunction. No one wants to do mayonnaise – and it’s pissing Dale off. Of course Dale also hates puppies and springtime, so this isn’t a surprise. He is pissed that Nikki is “scared” of making mayo by hand, and asks the question: “why are you still here?!?”. He’s not the only one asking that question.
Chef Tom blows the whistle and the relay begins:
Antonia and Lisa start with oranges – Lisa is good with her fruit (and her blade) and creates a big lead.
Andrew and Spike face off with artichokes. Spike has a head start, but Andrew is using a peeler and catches up. Both teams finish even.
Richard and Dale are next – filleting Monkfish. Richard is talented (predictably), and Dale is fast but sloppy (predictably). Both teams are still even.
Finally, Stephanie and Nikki go head-to-head in making mayo. Stephanie is going slow and steady and looks like she’s cruising to a win. Douchy Dale has worked himself into a lather and is screaming words of ‘encouragement’ to Nikki. “Come on Staten Island!!!”, he yells – attempting to appeal to her New York pride. But then he screams something about “Strong Island” – which is the nickname for Long Island and NOT Staten Island. This team can’t even cheer correctly.
Nikki decides to stop and take “a break” because she’s tired and Stephanie wins the Quickfire for Team Winner. If I were Nikki, I’d blame Dale and his ‘Strong Island’ bullshit…
Now Dale is REALLY pissed. All 5 feet, 5 inches of him. He angrily punches the kitchen locker and screams “FUCK!!!!!!” Hey buddy, YOU are the one that doesn’t know “Strong Island” from the “Boogie-Down Bronx” or “Money-Earnin’ Mount Vernon”. All the warm and fuzziness I felt for Dale during the last challenge has gone – and he is back to being “Douchy Dale”.
Elimination Challenge
Padma asks if everyone remembers the “Restaurant Wars” from past seasons. This was when two teams went head-to-head and opened competing restaurants – planning the menu, décor and coordinating the service. Everyone grins and nods “yes”, and is obviously excited.
Padma then informs them they will NOT be doing Restaurant Wars this week. In keeping with this season’s (unintentional?) theme of being “Top Caterer” and NOT Top Chef – the cheftestants will be competing in a Wedding War!
We meet Corey and JP – a young couple who will be getting married TOMORROW. Talk about waiting until the last minute to plan the reception! The cheftestants all have a “Padma-say-what?!?” look on their faces. One team will cook for the Brides’ 125 guests, and the other will cook for the Groom’s side.
The winners of the Quickfire – Team Winner – get to choose which one they want to cook for – bride or groom. The obvious choice would be to pick the groom, because you know the bride is gonna be all “I want ‘blush’ and ‘bashful’ frosting on EVERYTHING!” – and the groom is gonna be all “whatever dude – LET’S PARTY!”.
So naturally Richard picks the BRIDE. Did you REALLY think that the future winner of this season (you KNOW he’s gonna win) was going to take the easy way out? Nope, neither did I.
Each team will have $5,000 to spend at Whole Foods and Restaurant Depot – and they will work for the next 14 hours.
Andrew springs his much-anticipated “culinary boner”, because working all night is good for him. I bet he has Crystal Meth in his kitchen locker (labeled “Sea Salt”) so an all-nighter would be no problem. Or an all-weeker.
Team Loser/Groom meets with JP. Nikki IMMEDIATELY starts hitting on him – sensing that she only has 14 hours until yet another man becomes unavailable. She does NOT want her children raised by a single parent like she was. Because she WAS raised by a single parent, you know. Ask her about it sometime.
The groom likes Italian food – and Nikki is Italian – so she is totally kissing his ass. Every time he says anything, she answers with “that’s exactly how I feel”. I guess a gal will ALSO say anything to get a piece. I wonder how clean his orifices are?...
Team Winner/Bride meets with Corey. She is from the South, and Richard tries the Nikki approach of bonding – since he and Corey are both from the Atlanta area. He’s not nearly as smooth as Nikki, and the bride ain’t biting. Team Winner DOES manage to find out that Corey loves cake. THAT should be helpful.
Corey and JP leave the kitchen to prepare for their big day tomorrow. I’m sure they still have to find a wedding gown and rent a tux – but they have a few hours, so they should be just fine.
Team Loser has decided to make LoserNikki the unofficial leader because of her Italian background, and LesbianLoserLisa has offered to be “her bitch”. Nikki talks about how no one wants to work with LoserDale because he “points fingers” and “doesn’t work well with others”. Dale says he hates Lisa, and basically the vibe on his team is “everyone hates everyone”. Is that “sweet victory” I’m smelling over at Team Loser? ... No?? … OK.
Time for shopping. Over at Team Winner, the gals go in search of meat, and Richard and Andrew look for flowers. Only Richard’s familiarity with Martha Stewart (and a text message exchange with the gals) prevents him from purchasing droopy sunflowers. LoserLisa and LoserDale are forced to spend time together shopping, and I’m still smelling victory for them. Or maybe my cat just farted. Yeah, my cat DEFINITELY farted.
Back at the Top Chef Kitchen, the countdown begins … 14 hours until the wedding. I wonder if the happy couple has sent out the invitations yet?...
Team Loser has decided on the theme “Simple Italian” – and LoserNikki states “I can’t believe I’m making pasta again”. Yes indeed – THAT’S a shocker! LoserLisa is in charge of the groom’s cake – having been the groom at her Lesbian Wedding. She knows what dudes like and I am praying she makes a cake shaped like boobs. And LoserDale has a lot on his plate but says “I can handle that shit”. Dale be from the streets yo.
Over at Team Winner, everyone has their clear responsibilities and they all seem to be working well together. They have chosen “Meat and Potatoes” as their theme. Antonia is doing most of the appetizers, Stephanie is in charge of the bride’s cake, Richard is the “meat man”, and Andrew is in charge of Creamed Spinach – because tweakers can’t be trusted with complicated tasks.
It turns out that Andrew has NEVER made Creamed Spinach and he’s experiencing “Popeye’s Wet Dream” at the moment. Andrew LOVES the penis references, doesn’t he?. Richard gives Andrew some advice on how to adjust the flavor a little, which Andrew resents. He doesn’t need Richard “chiming in” with his “bullshit” and that Meth must be really kicking in right now.
The members of Team Loser are looking to Nikki for leadership, but she’s having none of it. She knows the reality competition rule – team leaders go home. But she’s the one with all the Italian knowledge (plus she basically raped the groom during their meeting) so the rest of these losers need answers. “I’m down with NOT making all the decisions”, she says. Reach for the stars Nikki!
This makes LoserDale angry. Surprised? Me neither. Rainbows and Kermit the Frog pissed him off as a bitter Filipino child. But Dale is upset about the lack of leadership, and he’s picking up all the slack and doing the “bullshit work”. Meanwhile, LoserLisa and LoserNikki are talking shit behind Dale’s back – and so is LoserSpike. Sneaky Spike decides to “help” Dale by taking over the Sea Bass dish. He decides if he concentrates on one dish, and does that one dish well, it will be an “ace in his pocket” that will impress the judges. Spike is one tricky bitch. With clean orifices.
Time is marching on and everyone is getting tired. Nikki now claims that she didn’t want to do pasta – her TEAMMATES wanted her to do it. She has a “Ragu” dispute with Dale, who correctly says Nikki “wants control, but not responsibility”. Nikki says she is “dizzy”, “tired”, and “dehydrated” and has NEVER wanted to sleep more in her life. She should see if she can score some Meth from Andrew – who is so high he has now stopped talking.
Chef Tom comes in for a visit with a cheerful and hearty “Good Morning”! The exhausted Cheftestants all have knives in their hands, and suddenly I fear for Tom’s life. Luckily they don’t stab him – but they are so tired at this point they can’t even think or talk right. Tom gives them some advice: this is an important day – a WEDDING – so they shouldn’t “dumb down” the food. But at this point it’s too late. These bitches be DUMB – especially Team Loser.
Tom makes some observations. Team Loser’s cake looks like a brown battleship, but Lisa claims the groom didn’t want to outshine the bride in the cake department. No chance of that. And Chef Tom calls Team Winner a “strong team”, which is like calling Tiger Woods a “good golfer”. Don’t “dumb it down” Tom! Everyone packs their stuff up and heads to the wedding venue.
Commercial break. Time for the Bravo Text Poll! “Which Chef Annoys You The Most”?, they ask. Oooooohhh – this should be fun! Wait, there’s only THREE CHOICES. There are still 8 bitches up in this competition! How could they possibly narrow it down to three??? The three they chose were Dale, Lisa, and Spike. Please note that ALL THREE are doomed members of Team Loser.
It’s now the day of the wedding, and the guests have gathered on someone’s lawn. The wind is blowing and I’m wondering who in the hell would plan an outdoor wedding in Chicago? But I guess when you book the venue two hours before arrival, you take what you can get.
Padma introduces the judges: Tom Colicchio, Gail Simmons, and Gale Gand – one of the top pastry chefs in Chicago.
We see the wedding ceremony: love, honor, tears, kiss … blah, blah, blah. I hate weddings. Mazel Tov, bitches!
It’s the cocktail hour, and time for the hors d’oeuvres. Everyone seems to likee Team Winner’s selections (shocking!), but Team Loser is passing some Bruschetta made with denture-destroying cement crostini. LoserLisa notes that all of Team Losers trays are stocked. If the well-stocked trays are the absolute BEST thing you can say about your appetizers, then you are in serious trouble.
The guests are seated for dinner, the newly-married couple is announced, and everyone hits the buffet.
Over at Team Winner’s buffet – Antonia and Richard are serving and schmoozing, Stephanie is running and restocking, and Andrew (and his culinary boner) is kept locked in the kitchen and far away from the guests. Antonia and Richard are predictably charming, and the guests and judges seem to enjoy the food coming from Team Winner. Shocking.
Team Loser, on the other hand, is giving off a whole different vibe. First of all, Nikki (who is a blithering idiot at this point) and ever-so-ladylike Lisa are serving. Personally, I don’t want Lisa anywhere near my tortellini. Team Loser’s only saving grace is that Spike is ALSO serving, and the middle-aged women are ALL OVER him. Of course they say they like his fish dish, but you just know they heard about his sparkling clean orifices. Word gets around. Trust me.
The guests and judges don’t seem to enjoy Team Loser’s cuisine. Padma is making faces, and Tom is bitching about the pasta. I know, shocking!
Time to cut the cake. Stephanie’s bride’s cake is a gorgeous, multi-tiered extravaganza – decorated with colorful frosting and fresh flowers. Lisa’s Lesbian cake is brown and looks like the three-story headquarters of an auto insurance company . Lisa is beaming like the friggin’ BRIDE and I’m convinced ALL these bitches are high. She seriously calls it “pretty”, but then again – she IS a lesbian.
Service is over, and it’s off to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. No one even has the energy to talk – just yawn – which is also what I’m doing . I want to get to bed just as much as these bitches do – so let’s get moving!
Team Winner is called in, and after a minor controversy over the Creamed Spinach, Team Winner is announced to be …. The LOSERS!!!! No, I’m just messing with you, they totally won. Richard is the winner (again, shocking), but he ends up sharing his win (and his $2,000 Crate & Barrel gift card) with Stephanie for making the cake. Yawn.
Team Loser is called in. They line up with folded arms and bad attitudes, ready to defend themselves. They look like a kitchen street gang – with the do-rag wearing LesbianLisa as the leader.
First of all, Chef Tom wants to know “who was driving the bus” on this ITALIAN challenge… “Definitely not me!!”, Nikki immediately exclaims. Oh shit.
Chef Tom asks who suggested the Antipasto Bar – and Nikki say’s “the groom”. All of a sudden, Nikki wasn’t even NEAR the scene of this crime.
Here is their exchange – or at least how I remember it in my sleepy mind:
Tom: “Who did the tortellini”
Nikki: “Not me”
Tom: “Who did the dry-ass pizza”
Nikki: “Your Mama”
Tom: “Who did the overcooked meat”
Nikki: “Outback Steakhouse”
Tom: “Were you even in the kitchen on the night in question”
Nikki: “I do not recall, Your Honor”
Tom: “Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?” …
Well, it was something like that. Actually, you can see the lack of sleep (and probably a few drinks) start to take over in the cheftestants. The members of Team Loser start to turn on each other and suddenly it’s on and poppin’. Dale starts bitching about how he did everything – hinting that some others didn’t pull their weight and looking at Spike. Spike starts egging him on…
Spike: “Get it all out Dude!”.
Dale: “Dude, I hustled, I straight-up hustled” (remember, Dale be from the streets).
Spike: “Point some fingers Man!”
Dale “I banged it out today”
Spike: “I banged Andrew today”
Or something like that. Gail interrupts and asked who did the Sea Bass? Spike chimes in and says HE did. Gail replies that everyone really liked it (especially the ladies), and Spike’s ace in his pocket has worked.
But Dale bursts his bubble with the best phrase of the night: “You should have liked it, it took him three hours to make!”. And on that note, they leave the judges to do their judging.
Back in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, Spike is drinking and Nikki is telling Dale that not to be “that guy”. Too late, Dale has been “That Guy” since the age of three. And apparently he’s also the ‘Most Annoying’ to Bravo viewers – with 46% of the text poll vote.
Team Loser comes back in front of the judges, and Nikki is sent home. In her parting words, she says she is “extremely proud of what I did” (really?) and will continue moving “full speed ahead” – right back to ‘Strong Island’.
Next week: Andrew frightens people, and Dale is going to Hell. Till then bitches!!
