Last week on Top Chef: Lisa was a bitch, Spike was a douche, and Andrew was crazy. Crazy lost.
WTF??!!?? David COOK won American Idol??!!?? Wow! Poor David Archuleta is going to get beat by his crazy-ass Dad for losing. Someone call Child Services!! Do they even HAVE Child Services in Utah? Or do child-rearing decisions get decided by the adult males of each Mormon compound? I’ve never been to Utah, so I don’t know.
Anywhoo, it really amazes me that Aruchuleta didn’t win. I would have thought all those young girls would have voted…
Holy Crap! Top Chef has started already – I hope I didn’t miss anything! Oh wait … it’s a repeat. Damn. Yeah, it’s the one with the familiar challenge and the team of obvious winners competing against a team of obvious losers. And everyone screams at each other at the judges table. Well, I guess we’ll have to wait for next week to see a new episode…
Wait?!? What is this?!? I don’t remember seeing a Diner before. This IS a new episode! Dammit – I have to find a pen!! And where in the HELL is my notebook?!?…
On this week’s episode of Top Chef, the six remaining cheftestants are awakened by a sunny Tom Colicchio at the God-awful hour of 5:45 am. Needless to say, these bitches look rough. They can barely keep their eyes open – Andrew obviously didn’t leave any Crystal Meth lying around. There’s nothing like a little Tweak in the morning to put some pep in your step. Ask Andrew the next time you see him scratching his leg, chewing his lip, and walking the streets in the middle of winter with no jacket – at 5:45 am.
Tom tells the chefs that he’ll be taking them to a Chicago breakfast joint – to COOK, not eat. They go to Lou Mitchell’s, which seems like one of those places where tourists wait in line for greasy breakfast and harassment from the wait staff. Good times.
At Mitchell’s, we meet Helene – the owner. Helene looks like she doesn’t take any shit. She probably works the overnight shift and gets to beat the crap out of rowdy drunks. She leads the cheftestant into the kitchen – specifically to the egg station. “This is the Hole”, she says, adding that The Hole is “where a lot of the action is”. I hear ya sister.
Anywhoo, it really amazes me that Aruchuleta didn’t win. I would have thought all those young girls would have voted…
Holy Crap! Top Chef has started already – I hope I didn’t miss anything! Oh wait … it’s a repeat. Damn. Yeah, it’s the one with the familiar challenge and the team of obvious winners competing against a team of obvious losers. And everyone screams at each other at the judges table. Well, I guess we’ll have to wait for next week to see a new episode…
Wait?!? What is this?!? I don’t remember seeing a Diner before. This IS a new episode! Dammit – I have to find a pen!! And where in the HELL is my notebook?!?…
On this week’s episode of Top Chef, the six remaining cheftestants are awakened by a sunny Tom Colicchio at the God-awful hour of 5:45 am. Needless to say, these bitches look rough. They can barely keep their eyes open – Andrew obviously didn’t leave any Crystal Meth lying around. There’s nothing like a little Tweak in the morning to put some pep in your step. Ask Andrew the next time you see him scratching his leg, chewing his lip, and walking the streets in the middle of winter with no jacket – at 5:45 am.
Tom tells the chefs that he’ll be taking them to a Chicago breakfast joint – to COOK, not eat. They go to Lou Mitchell’s, which seems like one of those places where tourists wait in line for greasy breakfast and harassment from the wait staff. Good times.
At Mitchell’s, we meet Helene – the owner. Helene looks like she doesn’t take any shit. She probably works the overnight shift and gets to beat the crap out of rowdy drunks. She leads the cheftestant into the kitchen – specifically to the egg station. “This is the Hole”, she says, adding that The Hole is “where a lot of the action is”. I hear ya sister.
She introduces us to Martin (pronounced mar-TEEN) – the kitchen’s Top Mexican. Every kitchen has one. My restaurant’s top guy is named Hector. Actually, Hector is from Ecuador – and I’m starting to sound like a Republican, so I’ll stop with the racial stereotypes.
Martin definitely knows his way around The Hole. Insert DavidDust patented Papi double-entendre [HERE]. Martin and Helene will be observing the cheftestants, and will decide the winner.
The cheftestants take turns working the egg station. Greek Spike states that he “grew up in the industry”, which means he washed dishes in his Uncle Hercules and Aunt Athena’s Greek Diner in Astoria. He certainly didn’t do much egg cooking, based on his skills.
Antonia’s first order is “Two eggs, over hard!” – which would have made me giggle. And that would have pissed Martin off and I would have been banished to the pot sink to wash dishes like Spike. Antonia, on the other hand, doesn’t laugh and does well.
Dale also seems to do well. Four waitresses yell him orders at the same time, but he says “I can handle that kind of shit”. Remember, Dale be from the streets yo.
Richard, on the other hand, is having trouble understanding “Diner Lingo”. Translation, he cannot understand what waitresses Lateisha and Alizé are saying. Richard doesn’t speak Babymama. He also doesn’t cooks diner eggs well. And Lesbian Lisa can’t even make an egg without melting styrofoam. “Flop two! Make ‘em cry and let ‘em walk – hold the melted polystyrene!!!” The waitress must have forgotten the “polystyrene” part.
At the end of the Quickfire, everyone sits down at the counter for Helene’s critique. She thought Antonia was “calm” and took direction well, and Dale was “smooth” (but doesn’t take direction AT ALL). Antonia wins her fourth Quickfire, and Dale looks like he would like to stab her.
Chef Tom explains that he has other obligations, and will not be involved in the Elimination challenge. He gives Antonia the address where everyone must report to find out what their challenge will be.
They arrive at a raw warehouse space, where Padma is waiting for them. She announces that it’s RESTAURANT WARS!! Lisa states this is “what I’ve been fucking waiting for”. What I’m fucking waiting for is some shampoo in that hair.
Padma explains that they will break up into two teams and will split the dining room space, but share the kitchen. They will have $1500 for food, and $5000 to spend at Pier 1 Imports for décor.
Since Antonia won the greasy diner Quickfire, she gets to pick her teammates. She selects Richard and Stephanie. Yes, Team Winner is back – minus one. Which means Team Loser is also back – sans Nikki and her pastabilities.
Team Winner gets together and creates their “Warehouse Kitchen” theme. They want to do fine-dining “gastro pub” food, in a relaxed atmosphere. These three talented chefs put their plan together and constructively bounce ideas off each other.
Team Loser is creating a restaurant called “Mai Buddha”. Since all three of them cook Asian food, they will do an Asian menu. This doesn’t surprise anyone, especially Antonia, who comments AGAIN that the only thing Dale can do is Asian. And be a douchebag. And yell at lesbians. And bat his puppy-dog brown eyes at us gay boys. What a “little bitch” (Spike’s words, not mine).
Lisa states that Dale has pissed off a lot of people during the competition – ESPECIALLY the other two members of “Mai Losing Buddha”. It’s going to be fun watching these three idiots destroy each other.
While the “Winning Warehouse Kitchen” team creates their menu, Team Loser is doing the same. Dale throws out the monumental idea of a “Ramen-style” soup. Are they feeding half of Chicago? Does he realize how much Top Ramen he could buy with $1500? Lisa suggests a “serve-yourself” soup, because nothing says fine-dining like a big pot of soup, a ladle, and a stack of bowls. Spike suggests that if “Mai Buddha” can come together and win, they will knock one of the three top contenders out of the competition. And the Pope will preside over Ellen & Portia’s California same-sex wedding next month…
Time for shopping at Whole Foods. Team Winner is purchasing winning ingredients from their well-prepared list. Team Bonehead Buddha is attacking the “International” aisle, and buying up everything even remotely Asian. I wonder if they bought that LaChoy Chicken Chow Mein dinner-in-a-can? Cook up the gooey sauce and meat, and then add the vegetables…mmm, mmm, good. Don’t forget the crispy noodles! Ooohhhh, I hope they also serve those little frozen Mini Egg Rolls! They really need my culinary skills for this challenge.
It has been decided that Greek Spike will be in charge of the Losing Dining Room. Therefore, he is in charge of purchasing plates, napkins, etc., at Pier 1. I have a question: have you ever been to a Greek restaurant before? Do you know how Greek restaurants are usually decorated? Here’s an example:
So instead of dancing Greek peasants, Spike is substituting big-bellied Buddha’s. Lot’s of them.
Stephanie will be in charge of the Winning Dining Room, and is purchasing sensible dinnerwear that will compliment their Winning Warehouse cuisine. If I were her, I would have gone directly to the back of the store – that’s where they hide all the crap that’s on sale. Not that Team Winner needs any help at all. They could be making grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup and still beat the Three Bad Buddhas.
On Team Winner, Antonia has been named the Executive Chef and Richard is the “Chef de Cuisine”, which is French for “Antonia’s Bitch”. Stephanie will concentrate on the front-of-house.
Team Asian Losers literally flip a coin, making Dale the Executive Chef, and Lisa the “Lesbian Sans Shampoo”. Spike will get dressed up and smarm his way through the dining room.
Both teams begin preparing their dishes. Antonia is freaking out because they are doing fresh pasta, but didn’t purchase back-up pasta just in case something happens. Over at Team “Doesn’t Stand A Chance”, Dale has put on his manly teal-colored headband and starts barking orders – which Lisa and Spike promptly ignore.
At this point in the show, Chef Tom usually does his kitchen visit. In his place, we have an unhappy and hung-over Anthony Bourdain, who will bring his “warmer, sunnier disposition” to this challenge. As well as the half-empty flask of vodka still in his pocket from the night before.
Team “Might As Well Give Up Now” is shitting bricks. Chef Bourdain has traveled extensively, and if anyone knows Asian cuisine, it is Chef Boozehound, er, BOURDAIN. Their best hope is to create Asian cuisine that can also absorb lots of alcohol. Chef Bourdain goes to the “Mai Buddha” team and asks who the leader is. “I am the Captain of this boat”, Dale answers proudly. Please insert Titanic joke [HERE]. I’ll give you mine: “ICEBERG, DEAD AHEAD!”.
Team “Buddhaville Buttheads” tell Anthony Bourdain a little about their menu. Lisa will be doing a Shrimp Laksa (soup), which we find out Bourdain LOVES. Lisa prepares to abandon ship. Spike is also in charge of one dish – Short Ribs – which he will oversee in addition to tackying-up the Dining Room. Bourdain comments that “Asia is big”, and it’s difficult to master all facets of Asian cuisine. “Things could go really well, or really badly”, he adds. No coin toss necessary for THAT choice…
Chef Bourdain announces that each team will get to select a helper – and in walks Andrew, Mark, Jen, and Nikki. Andrew looks like they just let him out of his padded cell, and Jen looks like she just finished making out with Nikki. Team “Buddhalicious” gets to select first (since they are going to lose), and they select Jen. Because what this team really needs is another angry lesbian. Antonia picks Nikki to be her Winning Pasta Bitch. Andrew and Mark slink back into obscurity.
Things start getting increasingly negative with the Losers. Dale is screwing up his Filipino “Halo-Halo” dessert, which is making him “Hateful-Hateful”. Lisa is having rice issues (again), and yelling about it. In fact, Douchy Dale and Moana Lisa proceed to scream “CALM DOWN!” and “CHILL OUT!!” back and forth to each other for about 10 minutes. This only makes them yell and scream louder and more intensely. Then we see Dale and Spike tasting Lisa’s Laksa (ok, that sounded gross) and gagging. All Dale can taste is “smoke”, and Spike can’t distance himself enough from the food these two losers are preparing. Jen has already tasted Lisa’s Laksa, and thought it was delish. Just don’t tell Zoi.
Over at Team “We Are So Going To Win”, Miss Nikki is chilling’ and slurping down some gritty clams (which Richard rewashes). She’s already been eliminated, so she doesn’t care much. Nikki is only here to make pasta again – like she did every week BEFORE she got eliminated. She knows her limits.
Stephanie has put on her “chunky-girl” brown outfit, complete with high boots to hide the calves. She looks like what every Puerto Rican man wants his woman to look like. Papis LOVE a little junk in the trunk – God bless ‘em. Stephanie is keeping it upbeat and simple for the waiters, instructing them to have fun.
Spike, on the other hand, is telling his waiters they better NOT screw up his chances of winning Top Chef or he will hunt them down and kill them one by one. He hasn’t lied, cheated, and kissed ass THIS far only to have it screwed up by a bunch of loser waiters.
The doors open and the judges arrive. Padma introduces Chef José Andrés, the guest judge for this challenge. Padma and Chef Andrés sit down with Bourdain and Ted Allen.
First up – the “Warehouse Kitchen” team. One dish is more delicious than the next, and the judges are practically swooning. The only negative comment comes as a result of chocolate skid-marks on one of the dessert plates. Why even BOTHER to taste the crap from the other team? Oh that’s right, to see how BAD their food can actually be.
The judges go over to “Mai Buddha” and sit down. Gay Ted proceeds to get catty about the purple and silver linen. Which is what we do. Don’t ask me WHY – it’s just the way us gays are. We can spot distasteful décor from MILES away. Spike comes to the table dressed in a suit, and I must say, he cleans up nice. Hubba-hubba! Ted and Padma attempt to hide their “culinary boners” by placing the tacky purple and silver napkins in their laps.
The first course comes out, and Chef Bourdain hates the smoky Laksa. It’s “like putting your nose in the campfire”. Which is the same thing Jen said after SHE tasted Lisa’s Laksa. What a coincidence!
The entrees are presented to the judges, and they find the Braised Short Ribs acceptable. The “Butterscotch Scallops”, on the other hand, get the following reaction from Chef Bourdain:
Back in the kitchen, “Executive Chef” Dale is still yelling at Lisa – who is now pouring booze for herself and Jen. Lesbians, like Anthony Bourdain, like their liquor. Dale’s yelling falls upon deaf lesbian ears.
The dessert goes out to the judges. The Halo-Halo is described as “baby vomit with wood chips” by Chef Bourdain, although Chef Andrés seems to like the baby vomit. The Mango Sticky Rice is described by Padma as an “atrocity”, and she loses her Spike-induced culinary boner.
Everyone heads for the “Not-So-Glad” Storage Room, and Team Winner is called to the Judges Table. They are the winners (duh), and Stephanie (who is still rocking her “I’m gonna pick up a Papi” outfit) is announced as the overall winner. She wins a culinary trip to Spain for her and the Papi of her choice.
Time for Team Lonesome Loser to face the judges. They are told that the diners AND the judges were skeeved by their Asian “cuisine”. Maybe they SHOULD have gone with canned Chicken Chow Mein and serve-yourself Ramen soup.
Bourdain wants to talk about the smoky Laksa. He finds out it was Spike’s idea, but Lisa’s recipe. He wants to know what impact, as Executive Chef, Dale had on the Lousy Laksa.
“I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout fixin’ no Laksa”, Dale answers. He’s SO screwed.
But Lisa is also still in jeopardy. She starts fighting with Dale over who was responsible for the “appalling” sticky rice. After much back-and-fourth, Bourdain breaks it up by saying “you’re not talking to your Parole Officer!”. Although Lisa has the temperment of a Parole Officer, if this cooking thing falls through.
The conversation with the judges continues…
Dale: “You’re only as good as your weakest link”, he says while looking at Lisa.
Lisa: “You’re only as good as your leader”, she says while glaring at Dale.
Spike: “I don’t know either of these bitches”, he says while staring at Padma’s cleavage. That sneaky bastard knows he is safe – AGAIN!
They return to the NSG Storage Room, and Lisa and Spike whisper amongst themselves about Dale and his teeny, tiny, little wee testicles. Dale starts calling them “bitches”, and taunting them to say something to his face. Of course he doesn’t get near them, because Spike is 4 feet taller than Dale, and Lisa is a lesbian. “That’s cool, you can whisper all you want”, he adds, before they get called back in front of the judges.
Spike: Through “guile or luck”, that sneaky bastard was smart enough to let Dale and Lisa destroy each other. The shit-eating grin on Spike’s face says it all. That bastard lives to see another challenge.
Lisa: “Smoke is smoke”, says Chef Bourdain – which Lisa agrees with whole-heartedly. Because she is REALLY craving a Pall Mall right now.
Dale: He “fell down hard” in his leadership position.
“Dale, please pack your knives and go”. What?!? Holy Billie Jean King – Greasy Lisa is still here!!!
Tough guy Dale thanks the judges, and goes back to the NSG Storage room to hug Richard, Stephanie, and Antonia (who seem as shocked as the rest of America that Lisa is still here). Dale starts crying in his one-on-one interview when he mentions the three of them, and suddenly Mr. I’mAHustlaBaby has turned into the Little Bitch that he really is. But those big, brown, watery Puppy-Dog eyes get to me a little bit. After all, I AM gay…
Dale states that he has one of those personalities where “you either love me, or you hate me”. And now we know where the judges stand on that issue…
Next week: Shit happens and Chefs hold hands. Till then bitches!!!
