Top Chef Texas: Remember The Alamo

On last week’s episode of Top Chef, the cheftestants catered a Healthy Choice block party and Paul won with a delish (and healthy) Asian dish. Chris J, on the other hand, was sent home for having a ridiculous pigtail on the top of his head. And also for dry-ass chicken salad. 

This week, the chefs enter the Top Chef kitchen and are greeted by a table full of Padmas and a pancake (or vice versa, my notes are sketchy). Pancake Padma explains that they’ll be making the favorite food of today’s guest judge. Grayson immediately thinks they might be cooking for Miley Cyrus, but if that were the case there would be Funyons and cigarettes on that table instead of pancakes. Duh. 

The next thing we see is the guest judge riding in on his shiny bike – and it’s Pee-wee Herman!!! The Quickfire this week will be to make Pee-wee some pancakes in 20 minutes. 

Cook cook cook – pancakes pancakes pancakes. After the 20 minutes are up, Padma and Pee-wee feast on the flapjacks. Pee-wee tells everyone that their pancakes are the best he’s ever eaten. Hey, he’s a loner … a rebel … Pee-wee can do or say what he wants. 

And the winner is … Ed for his burnt pancake bits and pieces! Seriously, he didn’t make pancakes; he made pancake leftovers and won. Whatevs. 

Padma explains this week’s elimination challenge. Poor Pee-wee has bad memories from the Alamo (it’s a long story involving a stolen bike and a non-existent basement), so the chefs need to create a great lunch for Pee-wee at the Alamo in order for him to finally have some good memories of the Texas monument. 

But it’s not going to be easy. The cheftestants will be going on their own big adventure… they’ll be given a bike, a map, and 100 bucks to create lunch. They’ll have to buy their ingredients and find a kitchen to cook in on their own. The chefs meet briefly with Pee-wee to find out his likes and dislikes. FYI: he likes pretty much everything. 

The next morning the chefs set out on their big adventure. They each have a bike waiting for them outside of their house … and they’re off. They will have 3 hours to shop, cook and return to the Alamo to plate and serve lunch. 

Bike bike bike … shop shop shop. Everyone heads to the farmers market first and then it’s off to finagle their way into a random restaurant kitchen to cook. 

Paul finds a Belgian waffle place, Ed finds a Bed & Breakfast and Grayson barges in to a Mexican restaurant. Lindsay finds a place called “Mad Hatters” but leaves to buy more ingredients. When she returns, Sarah is already cooking there – so Lindsay is the last to start cooking (in another restaurant). 

Cook cook cook. The highlight of this segment was when the Bed and Breakfast owner made Ed cook eggs for one of his guests. "Give me Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck 'em!"

Bike bike bike … back to the Alamo. Lunch is plated and served to the judges (Pee-wee, Pancake Padma, Tom, Gail Simmons, and Gail Simmons’ boobies). 

Eat eat eat. The judges and Padma seem to enjoy the lunch – even though almost everyone served Chicken. 

Padma: “So Pee-wee, what will you think of when you remember the Alamo now?” 

Pee-wee: “Chicken” 

Padma: “I know you are, but what am I”. Touché, Pancake. 

Service is over and the chef’s gather in the Stew Room. Padma enters and asks them all to come to the Judges Table. 

Judge judge judge … Paul is safe and Lindsay wins. Ed, Grayson and Sarah are on the bottom. 

And … Grayson is sent home for a chicken dish with too many ingredients. 

But wait, there’s more! Padma tells the “final four” to come back to the Judges Table, where she and Tom begin to explain the whole “Last Chance Kitchen” thing… 

… and then my friggin cable froze!!!!! Seriously, I have no idea what happened during the last minute of the show. Did I miss anything??? 

Anywhore, what did YOU think about last night’s episode – please leave a comment.

Top Chef Texas - Ep. 12 - "Block Party"

Last time on Arrested Development Top Chef, Rita Leeds (AKA Charlize Theron - below) flew in from Wee Britain to promote a movie and be an evil queen (a role I play on a daily basis). Paul won (is it me, or does he win everything?) and Beverly was sent home.

This week’s show begins in the stew room after the previous challenge. Rita Charlize enters and thanks the cheftestants for a great meal. She gets all Top Chef fan-girly and it’s kind of adorable.

The next morning the cheftestants enter the Top Chef kitchen and are greeted by Padma, Emeril and chef Cat Cora – who just so happens to have a new show coming up on Bravo. Coinky dink!

The chefs are instructed to separate into 3 teams:

Grayson/Chris

Paul/Ed

Lindsay/Sarah

For the Quickfire challenge, the cheftestants must prep shrimp, shuck and peel corn, and make pasta. And after all that’s done, they’re supposed to prepare a dish with those items in the time remaining. The winner gets $10,000 big ones.

Cook cook cook… Grayson won’t shut up … Chris thinks “fast is slow, and slow is smooth” (up is down, right is wrong – he must be a Republican) … Paul is Ed’s bad luck charm … Lindsay and Sarah finish their “mise en place” first and start cooking … Grayson and Chris begin cooking last (they couldn’t get their “mise” in the right “place” fast enough).

Even though they had the least amount of time to cook, Chris and Grayson win.

Elimination Challenge:

This week’s challenge is sponsored by Healthy Choice (groan) – the “healthy”, watery, tasteless, frozen alternative to real food. The chefs will now be competing AGAINST their teammates – each making a healthy version of the same dish for a block party/food drive.

They meet quickly and discuss what to make. Ed and Paul will do Asian BBQ, Chris and Grayson will be doing chicken salad sandwiches. And Sarah/Lindsay will be doing meatballs. 

The chefs run around Whole Foods (as always) and then head back to the house for worrying and sleeplessness.

The next day the chefs have 2 ½ hours to prep – and during this time we find out that none of the cheftestants have any idea what a block party is.

They head to the “block” to set up and the guests start arriving … Ed is watching people take his bread like a hawk because he doesn’t have enough … Bees are all up in everyone’s business and Chris J blows up like me during an Arby’s binge if he gets stung. 

The judges arrive: Padma, Tom, Emeril, Dana Cowin (Editor, Food & Wine). They are greeted by Ryan from Season Four, who is a “Flavor Ambassador” for Healthy Choice. This must be an easy job, considering the fact that those frozen bricks are pretty much flavorless.

Eat eat eat … Ms. Cowin would like some vodka please … Lindsay used Quinoa – which my nutritionist insisted I tried and it was NASTY (which makes it perfect for Healthy Choice!) … Paul doesn’t own white socks but he DOES own those horrible Crocs.

Stew room … Padma calls Grayson, Paul, Lindsay. The guests made them the top three. Grayson tussles with Tom over Chicken Salad and Meatballs (or something). And the winner is … Paul. Is it just me, or does Paul get cuter every week???

This means Edward, Chris and Sarah are in the bottom. Ed is on the bottom for the UN-healthy choice of pork BBQ. Chris is there for dry bread. And Sarah is being punished for an inconsistent salad.

The judges get judgy with it and … Chris J is sent home for his dry (as the Sahara Dessert) and flavorless (as a Healthy Choice entrée) Chicken Salad Sandwich. Look for him to be Healthy Choice’s next “Flavor(?) Ambassador”.

Next week … Pee-wee!!!!!!!!!

What did YOU think of last night’s episode – please leave your thoughts in the comment section.

No Top Chef Recap This Week

Charlize Theron

Sorry gang, but for some reason my body decided to pass out between 9:30 pm and 2:00 am last night - so I missed Top Chef.

As a result, it's now 3:53 am - with no signs of additional sleep in my future. Ugh.

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Top Chef Texas - Ep. 10 - "Bye Bye Boring"

On last week’s episode of Top Chef, the cheftestants attempted to bar-b-que their way to the top – and Paul and his team managed to get there. Sarah – on the other hand - ended up going head-to-head with a fire pit (the pit won), and Malibu Chris was sent home for his salty ribs. 

This week the chefs are greeted by Padma and the dude-who-owns-no-tweezers and are told it’s Restaurant Wars! Question: doesn’t Restaurant Wars always happen when they get down to 8 chefs remaining? Why did everyone seem so surprised? 

Anywhore, Padma informs them that this Restaurant Wars will be a battle of the sexes – dames vs. dudes. Each team will create a concept and a 3 course menu – with two choices for each course. 

The teams meet to decide upon a concept. The fellas come up with “Canteen” – which was what they called the dining hall at my summer camp. As a culinary experience, it’s not something I would want to revisit (“Bug Juice” and PB&J, anyone?!?). 

The ladies – after ignoring everything Beverly had to say, come up with “Half Bushel”. And since I’m a “the glass is half empty” kind of guy, “Half Bushel” sounds kinda half-assed if you ask me (which no one is, but whatevs). 

The cheftestants then head out to buy pretty things to fill their restaurant, and pretty food to serve to the guests. During this process, the dudes seem to get along swimmingly. The gals? Notsomuch. 

The guys are serving first – so they get busy setting up their cafeteria Canteen. Ed – who is the grumpiest grump since Oscar The Grouch – has decided to be in charge of the Front Of House. “Hi, my name is Debbie Downer – right this way to your table”. 

Service begins, and right away the guys don’t seem to know what they’re doing. Except – surprisingly – Mr. Downer in the dining room. 

The judges – Padma, Tom, Tweezerless Hugh, and Emeril – arrive and are seated promptly. They taste each course, and seem relatively pleased. Except for Tom, who can’t stop whining about the “Almond Joy” dessert not having coconut. We get it girl, YOU LIKE COCONUT. 

After service, the guys seem disappointed in their lackluster performance. We also learn that Paul got high in school. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant high GRADES. 

Now it’s the ladies’ turn. The gals seem to instantly be at each other’s throats, with Lindsay and Sarah talking to Beverly like a child who rides the shortbus. Also, their service is a mess – with people (including the judges) waiting to be seated and long wait times for each course. However, the judges seem really happy with the vast majority of their food. 

Service ends and everyone gathers in the Stew Room to await Padma. She enters, and asks to see the ladies. 

The gals learn that they are the top team – despite the shaky service and overcooked halibut (which was Lindsay’s dish but was executed by Beverly). Speaking of Beverly, she is announced to be the winner (insert side-eyes from Lindsay and Sarah HERE), and Bev gets to take home a big-ass bottle of wine. 

The guys then face the judges, and we learn that not only did the judges hate them, the diners did also – via some fancy phone app. 

Blah blah blah under seasoned blah blah blah unorganized blah blah no coconut… 

And Ty-lör Boring – with his hipster facial hair, umlaut, and Japanese Nanny is sent home. I would say we hardly knew thee – but after this week we actually know WAY too much. 

Next week: Charlize Theron!

What did YOU think about last night's episode??

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Tonight On Top Chef: Restaurant Wars!

Check out some previews from tonight's episode over at All Top Chef. And look for my recap tomorrow afternoon.

Top Chef Texas - Ep. 9 - "The Fastest Recap In The West"

Last week: Patti Labelle (gay gasp!), Sarah wins and mean Heather is sent home for Bigfoot Stroganoff. 

This week: Ed complains about Heather using his cake recipe. Again. Dude, let it go – she is gone. 

Knock at door. Room service tray with books re: “Modernist Cuisine”. Thank goodness it wasn’t “Socialist Cuisine” because then Glenn Beck would have to get involved and nobody wants that. 

Chefs study books, go to bed, and then head to the Top Chef kitchen. The author of the book is there. He is a huge nerd. Blah blah blah Molecular Gastronomy blah blah blah Modernist blah techniques blah blah. 

Quickfire challenge: create a dish using trickery … er … MODERNIST techniques. 

Paul is so high right now, he can’t even pronounce “modernist”, let alone “molecular”. Dude. Malibu likes “ modern art” featuring nude ladies. We get it – you’re pretty, modern and straight. Beverly is just a mess. Chris J has brought pills. DUDE. 

Bottom: Paul, Beverly and Grayson. 

Top: Ty, Sarah, Chris J and his pharmaceuticals. Ty wins. Chris plans on slipping him a mickey during the Elimination. Damn gays. 

Elimination Challenge: Bar-B-Que. Modernist author dude also knows his way around a rib and a brisket. He will be the bar-b-que guest judge. 

Chefs break into 3 teams: 

Team Happy, Grumpy & Gay (Sarah, Ed, Ty). 

Team Two Ladies & A Stoner (Grayson, Lindsay, Paul) 

Team Two Chris’ & A Crazy (Malibu, Chris J, Beverly) 

Each team will be cooking 3 proteins and two sides for 300 hongray Texans. They go to Whole Foods and then Restaurant Depot. 

The cheftestants then head over to The Salt Lick. They’ve been doing bar-b-que at the Salt Lick since salt was invented. Owner Scott Roberts takes them to their bar-b-que pits and tells ‘em to git ‘er done. 

They cook all night. Bev starts a fire in a camper. I just can’t with her. Neither can Malibu – who says she’s a few cards short of a full deck. Forealz. 

Chris J does unspeakable things to chickens involving a beer can. Seriously – it’s filthy (don’t ask). Meanwhile, the sun comes up and it’s hot. 

Grayson says she’s just tired, but I think she’s drunk. She must have been hanging around Chris J and helping him with those beer cans. Grayson says filthy things to Tom Colicchio. Grayson is what’s known as a “fun drunk”. 

Sarah is hot. She needs a medic. Ambulance takes her away. Ed and Ty are all alone now. They hold each other gently to keep from crying. Actually, Ed acts like an ass, and Ty is sympathetic. Damn straights. 

Guests arrive. They are, indeed, HONGRAY. Oh God, there is a band. And chubby girls dancing together. Please make it stop. 

Gail arrives with her two bodyguards (Lefty and Righty). She wants gin. Gail is also a fun drunk. 

Sarah arrives just in time to serve the judges, then she sits back down. Ed isn’t happy. Then again, when has Ed EVER been happy? Damn Ed. 

Judges eat. Another band (please NO). End scene. 

Stew area. Padma calls Paul, Lindsay and Grayson. They did Asian-style bar-b-que and are on top. They win $15,000. Paul has now won approximately $658,000 – all of which will be spent on weed when the show is over. 

Other two teams are called in for the airing of the grievances. Salty ribs, bad brisket, so-so-chicken, under-baked beans. The judges have a lot of problems with you people. 

Malibu goes home. 

The End.

Top Chef 9 - Ep. 8: Bigfoot a la Marmalade

On last week's episode of Top Chef, Edward and Ty won (and didn't slice themselves up in the process), while Nyesha and Dakota were sent home. Also, Heather bullied Beverly and tried to throw her under the bus during judging.

This week, Beverly is still upset about Heather's behavior and notes that Karma often comes back to bite you in the butt. Especially on reality TV.

Padma enters and tells everyone to pack their knives and go ... to Austin. This, for some reason, makes the cheftestants extremely happy. 

Everyone loads up into the sponsor vehicles and they're on their way. During the trip, Edward asks Heather (who apparently hasn't gotten any lately), if she had a choice, would she take a night with Chef John Besh or $5,000 and immunity for the next challenge. Hard-up Heather picks Besh.

Also during the trip we find out that sweet Paul was a weed-selling juvenile delinquent before moving to Austin and becoming a chef; and handsome Chris' nickname is "Malibu". Like Barbie, but with facial hair.

The Cheftestants enter Austin's version of the Top Chef kitchen and are greeted by Padma and Chef Tom. I guess they spent too much gas money driving everyone all over the huge state of Texas, and now the show can't afford guest judges for Quickfires.

Anywhore Padma announces that this will be the Twitter Quickfire. Padma and Tom's Twitter followers will be tweeting suggestions in real-time, and the chefs will be required to follow the instructions from the Twitterverse. #goodluckwiththat

Tweet #1: Make something with bacon. They have 45 minutes to make a dish with bacon #tooeasy.

Tweet #2: Make a hash, in honor of Twitter's #hastags.

Tweet #3: Each chef must select an ingredient and pass if off to another chef for use in his/her dish. Lindsay and Ed get Sriracha and #theyainthappy.

Utensils down, hands up.

Tom and Padma grub down on the results #theregoesthediet

Bottom Dwellers: Grayson, Chris J and Ed

Top: Beverly, Sarah and Paul. And the winner is ... Paul. He wins 10 grand. #weedisgoodforyou

Tom instructs everyone to head to the hotel bar - so the cheftestants settle in while a piano player serenades them. Then, out of the blue, Mr. Piano Man introduces the legendary Miss Patti LaBelle! #OMGOMGOMGIAMGONNADIE

Surprisingly, gay Ty-lor Boring doesn't shriek like a Justin Bieber fan and/or pass out at the mere sight of the legendary diva. Instead, he's all...

Honey, you could get your Gay Card revoked for such an infraction! #mustworshipdivas

Side Note: I'm so gay that I saw Miss LaBelle perform at the 1994 Gay Games closing ceremonies at Yankee Stadium. And yes, I squealed like a little girl.

Anydiva, Miss Patti then treats the chefs with an abbreviated version of the drag queen anthem Lady Marmalade #iwouldhavedied. Patti kills it, of course.

Padma enters and announces that Patti will be the guest judge this week. For the elimination challenge, the cheftestants must make a dish that honors the person who first inspired them to cook. And they will be serving their creations at a dinner party for Miss Patti LaBelle and friends.

The chefs get 30 minutes to shop @WholeFoods, and then two hours to prepare their dishes. During the cooking time, everyone talks about who their inspirations were - mostly parents or grandparents. All except for Ty-lor Boring, whose NANNY was his culinary inspiration #fancybitch.

The only thing of note that happens during cooking is that Heather decides not to use a pressure cooker to prepare her beef - since last time it made her meat stringy #theresajoketheresomewhere. Heather's arch nemesis, Beverly, HAS decided to use the pressure cooker and seems happy with the results #foreshadowing.

The guests enter the dining room, and Patti is wearing her "Dinner With Friends" wig #appropriate. Service begins...

Chris J - Steak and Potatoes. Judges likee.

Heather - Beef Stroganoff. Judges HATE. Pattie refers to the cut of meat as "Bigfoot". #beverlysmiles

Sarah - Stuffed Cabbage #likee

Paul - "Quail A Doobie" (or something) #DUDE

Malibu - Salmon #nolikee

Beverly - Short Ribs - judges likee #heatherfrowns

Edward - Korean "MmmmBop" (or something) #likee

Lindsay - Trout #toomuchbutter

Grayson - Huge Steak #no likee

Ty - Chicken Tenders a la Japanese Nanny #ijustcan't

Service ends and the cheftestants retreat to the Beef Stroganoff Stew Room. And Ty earns back some of my respect when he mentions that Miss Patti's toenail polish matched Padma's' blouse #goodgay.

COMMERCIAL BREAK: Is it just me, or do the Voltaggio Brothers have about as much "stage presence" as a pair of moldy potato knishes? #justsaying

Back in the Stew Room, Padma calls for Grayson, Malibu and Heather. They are in the bottom. Malibu's salmon was a little slimy, Heather made Bigfoot Stroganoff, and Grayson's steak was stringy. They go back to the Stew Room to await their fate.

On top are Beverly, Sarah and Edward. And the winner is ... Sarah.

The bottom three are called back in, and Heather is sent home. She shouldn't have picked Besh #couldhaveusedimmunity

Beverly: #evillaugh #karmaisabitchnamedheather

What did YOU think of last night's episode???


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Stay Tuned

Even though I'm on vacation, I still watched Top Chef last night (and took notes) so there WILL be a recap posted sometime later today. After all, I am a homosexual and thereby obligated to worship at the (manicured) feet of diva Miss Patti LaBelle...

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Top Chef 9 - Ep. 6: Potatoes Raw Gratin

Last week on Top Chef, the cheftestants catered a fancy dinner party for fancy Dallas people – and adorable Pocket Papi Chuy was sent home.

On this week’s episode, the chef’s arrive in the kitchen and are greeted by Padma and award-winning chef (and obvious fan of hair gel and possibly Botox) Dean Fearing.

To introduce the Quickfire, Padma gets all Culinary School 101 on their asses – talking about the 5 “mother sauces” in classic French cuisine. The chefs draw knives to find out which mother-effin sauce they will be working with.

The cheftestants draw either Béchamel, Hollandaise, Espagnole, Tomate or Velouté – which, coincidentally, are the names of the of contestants for RuPaul’s Drag Race - Paris. The chefs are to make a dish with a new sauce that stems from their chosen mother-effin sauce.

Cook, cook, cook – and the cheftestants get mother-effin saucy.

Time for the judging. Padma and Chef Fearing walk around and taste the various dishes. But all Dean wants to know is about the roux Rue

She’s dead (God rest her Golden Girls soul) – get over it, Fearing.

Time for the results. On the bottom are Dakota, Nyesha, and Weird Bev. On the top are Grayson, Formerly Fat Chris, and Paul. And the sauciest mother-effin Saucier is … Grayson. She wins immunity.

Elimination Challenge

This week the chefs will be working as a team to cater the Cattle Baron’s Ball at none other than Southfork Ranch. The meal will be all about the beef – as apparently Texans are raging carnivores who eat steak for breakfast, lunch and dinner – appetizer entrée and dessert.

Tell ‘em what the winner will receive, Rod Roddy …

A NEW CAR!

The cheftestants plan their menu, go to Whole Foods, and return to the kitchen for prep. They are doing a soup, a steak salad, a steak, and a cake for dessert. Forever-complainer Edward bitches that Heather is using his cake recipe again for the dessert course. And everyone is worried that Whitney isn’t going to be able to get her potatoes au gratin cooked in time. Apparently they take longer to cook when they don’t come in a box. Who knew?

Ty-lor then cuts the hell out of his hand and ends up in the hospital until 6:00 AM.

The next morning Ty returns with stitches, but vows to drink lots of espresso so he can grill steaks all day.

The cheftestants arrive at Southfork and descend upon Miss Ellie’s kitchen like rednecks at a Gun Show. Speaking of rednecks, whose brilliant idea was it to cast the “Git ‘Er Done” guy in the Prilosec OTC commercial?? Seriously, his target audience probably thinks a “Prilosec” is an electronic crowbar.

Anywhore – cook cook cook, drama drama drama. Heather keeps harassing Bev for taking so mother-effin long to prepare mother-effin shrimp. And Lindsay gets antsy about the steaks and ends up firing them too early.

The Cattle Baron’s Ball attendees arrive, amidst a sea of rhinestones and pretty hats (and that’s just the men). Then the judges arrive and dinner is served.

First Course: Summer Gazpacho with Shrimp (Beverly, Dakota and Lindsay). Judges seem to likee.

Second Course: NY Strip Carpaccio Salad Thingy (Edward, Chris J, Paul). Judges seem underwhelmed, except for the fact that they think Chris’ meat is delish.

Third Course: Grilled Slab of Cow (Nyesha, Chris S, Ty, Whitney). The judges no likee most parts of this dish – temperatures are uneven and the potatoes are way undercooked.

Dessert: Texas Peach Cake (Heather, Grayson). Tom Colicchio liked it, and we all know that his is the most important opinion at Judges Table.

Service is over and the cheftestants head to the Beef Stew Room. There we find out that Beverly is somewhat of an Edward fan/stalker, and we also see that Heather WILL NOT SHUT UP about Beverly’s slow shrimp skills.

Padma enters and wants to see Nyesha, Heather and Chris J – they are the top 3. As mentioned before, the judges loved Chris J’s tasty meat in the 2nd course. Tom they adored Heather’s cake, and Nyesha’s compound butter and sauce saved the main course.

And the winner is … Heather, who wins the car. Insert Price is Right winners theme here.

On the bottom are Ty (temps on the steaks were all over the place), Whitney (potatoes “raw gratin”) and Edward (something about his salad being too safe).

Tom says this week’s loser was easy to choose – and this loser is … Whitney

Tonight On Top Chef

The eternal question 

Don't forget - Top Chef on Bravo tonight at 10 pm EST, and my recap at some point tomorrow. Check out a preview of tonight's Quickfire Challenge HERE, and a preview of Mr. Boring stabbing himself HERE.

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Top Chef 9 - Ep. 5: Close But No Cigar

Last week on Top Chef, stuff happened but I was in Pennsylvania preparing to stuff my face for Turkey Day so I didn’t watch. But I heard through the grapevine that Richie and his bad hair (facial and otherwise) was sent home. FULL (EMBARASSING) DISCLOSURE: I would totally hit that. 

Anywhore, this week the show opens with the cheftestants exhausted after their last challenge. Padma enters and tells them to take their Ambien and get some sleep, because tomorrow they’ll be road tripping to Dallas. NOTE TO CRAZY BEVERLY: Dolly Parton does NOT reside in Dallas – Sue Ellen and JR Ewing do. Get your facts straight. 

The next morning everyone gets into Top Chef Sponsor Vehicles and they head ‘em up and move ‘em out. During the road trip, we find out the following: 

· Ty-lor (I’m too lazy to find an umlaut today) has a boyfriend. I wonder if the BF has hipster facial hair like Ty’s. 

· Pretty Boy Chris used to be fat – but he lost 70 pounds. Bitch. 

· Dakota may or may not be a traffic ticket outlaw in Texas. Which, considering this is Texas, could maybe get her the electric chair. 

The cheftestants are stopped at a fake roadblock by a (maybe) fake State Trooper and are asked to pull over. They park alongside a dry, empty field – only to find Padma with Chef Josh Besh. Who – according to pretty boy Chris – is an attractive guy with beautiful flowing hair. 

It turns out this little roadblock is the setting for this week’s Quickfire Challenge. The cheftestants are instructed to make a dish out of “survival kit” ingredients – which, apparently, consists of nothing but dried and canned foods. This is considerably different from the survival kit I put together before Hurricane Irene – which was heavy on the Twinkies and the Bacardi. 

Cook, cook, cook. Chicago Chris goes looking for corn in the Sahara-esque field they are in and comes up empty. Lindsay – who reminds me of Calleigh Duquesne on CSI Miami – is creating a crime scene with Vienna sausages. And Edward is bitching about his back and everything else – as usual. Is it me or is he a big Debbie Downer??? 

Padma and Fabio John Besh taste the results and Whitney, one of the Chris’ (can’t remember which one) and Wanted-Dead-Or-Alive Dakota are on the bottom. On Top are Edward Downer, Chuy, and Calleigh Duquesne. And Lindsay/Calleigh wins with her ode to her Dad – who apparently like popping small sausages in his mouth. That’s what she said. 

After the Quickfire, Padma announced the Elimination Challenge. The cheftestants will be going to a fancy Dallas neighborhood to cater a “progressive party”. No, not a party of Keith Olbermann viewers, but a party that takes place in three different houses: Appetizer House, Entrée House and Dessert House. 

The Chefs are broken up into groups – however, they will be competing individually… 

Appetizer: Sarah, Lindsay, Whitney, Paul, Chicago Chris 

Entrée: Heather and Ty-lor (who are bestest girlfriends) along with Cute Chuy, Crazy Beverly and Nyesha. 

Dessert: Grayson, Dakota, Pretty Boy Chris, and Edward. 

The Cheftestants check into their hotel and then head over to their client’s McMansions. The wives all list the things they hate (cilantro, bell peppers, calories) and the husbands talk about the things they love (gummi bears, calories). We also find out that the lady at the Appetizer House is a “Lifestyle & Entertaining Expert” and Ty-lor Boring has cooked for Bill Gates. AKA "very fancy bitches". 

Commercial Break. There is no crying in catering, apparently. 

Cook cook cook. The chefs at Appetizer House are finishing up and the judges and guests start arriving. And, lo and behold, three of my favorite ladies show up: Gail and her Boobies!!!!! 

Appetizers are served (including a gross “cigar” with “ash”) but I’m mesmerized by the Boobies!! Then the entrees are served. Boobies!! And finally, dessert – with a side of Boobies!! And was I the only one who noticed that Tom seemed to HATE being there – and rolled his eyes at everything the hosts said?? Which was pretty evil, considering that they kicked everyone (including the homeowners) out of Dessert House and used it for Judges Table. 

Speaking of Judges Table, Padma calls in Sarah, Grayson, Paul and Dakota. Paul is the winner. 

On the bottom are both Chris’, Ty and Chuy. Pretty boy Chris “did too much” with his dessert. Ty hacked up his pork tenderloin, Chuy overcooked his salmon, and Chicago Chris made a nasty cigar with “ash”. Anytime you create a dish and have to use the word “ash” in the description, it’s got to be gross. Gail, for one, mentions that she and “the girls” didn’t want to handle that greasy cigar in that fancy dress. That’s what she said. 

The judges judge and it’s time for the results… 

And cute-as-a-button Pocket Papi Chuy is sent home, giving me a case of the sads. But then I get the happies when they show previews for next week and they’ll be going to the home of the Ewings – Southfork Ranch! 

What did YOU think of this week’s episode? Please feel free to rant and rave in the Comments.

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There Is No "I" In Team

This also applies to "team challenges" on Top Chef and Project Runway.

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Top Chef 9 - Ep. 3: Snakes On A Plate

As sometimes happens, today I’m resorting to bullet points in order to list some thoughts about last night’s episode of Top Chef. There are just too many cheftestants right now, and not enough drama (yet).

* I loved the Quickfire – and Padma’s instructions to put some motherhumpin’ snakes on some motherhumpin plates… 

* Miss Blanca Flores, the gal who was celebrating her Quinceañera, was pretty fierce. On an unrelated note – if you’ve never seen the movie Quinceañera, I have four words for you: “Jesse Garcia plays gay”… 

* Speaking of cuties, I loved how Chuy was ALL OVER this challenge – and referred to himself as “the resident Mexican”. He’s also not afraid of snakes and knows his way around a dead goat. If Chuy worked at Arby’s, he’d be absolutely perfect… 

* I’m sorry, but every time I see Heather … 

… I think “Kathy Najimy”… 

* Speaking of wacky women – is it just me, or does Beverly seem a bit … um … touched?? 

… Did you take note of Bevery's psycho-esque yelling at the meat counter? Did you see her snotting and bawling during Blanca’s dance with her father?? And what was up with that piece of paper she printed, congratulating herself on winning Top Chef?? If that works, I’m printing up my own magical piece of paper… 

* Finally, I offer up these words of advice to the Top Chef producers: 

Needs … More … Boobies 

What did YOU think of last night's episode??

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Tonight On Top Chef

Tonight on Top Chef - Padma decides that it's time to get some mothereffin snakes on some mothereffin plates. Look for my recap sometime tomorrow...

Top Chef 9 - Ep. 2 - "Bubble Bubble Toil & Trouble"

Last week on Top Chef, 1,379 chefs competed for 16 spots on the show. The people who sucked were sent home. The people who only kinda sucked were placed “on the bubble” and sent to the Mulligatawny Stew Room. 

This week, 10 chefs remain for Round #3, and 4 chefs are on the bubble. BTW – shouldn’t it be “on the cusp” or “IN the bubble” or “I’m on the edge of glory and I’m hanging on a moment of truth”?? “On the bubble” just sounds weird. 

Anywhore, the final group - #3 – enters the Top Chef kitchen, where they are greeted by Tom, Padma, and new judge Hugh Acheson. Chef Hugh, btw, talks and acts strangely like a robot – I keep expecting him to fuss at R2D2 for disobeying Master Luke. 

The chef’s introduce themselves, and then Padma tells them the challenge: There are 10 ingredients on the table. Each chef will pick an ingredient. Each ingredient is also paired with one of those silver Room Service lid thingies, which they cannot lift up yet. 

Everyone picks and ingredients and lifts their lids to find an amount of time to cook said ingredient (either 20, 40, or 60 minutes). 

Cooking begins and Chef Tom and Chef C3PHugh lurk in the kitchen, bothering the busy cheftestants. 

Cook cook cook. Cute and likeable Chaz has selected the RISOTTO OF DEATH which can only mean one thing: he is going home. 

20 Minute Group results: 

Greasy Lamb Gal – out 

Big Burly Texas Bear – bubble 

Food Truck Dude – in 

40 Minute Group: 

Cute Chaz – It’s risotto, people! – homeslice is OUT. 

Short Rib Chick – out 

French Guy – bubble (pronounced “BOOB-el”) 

Private Chef Dude – out 

60 Minute Group: 

Clueless Pressure Cooker Chick – out 

Southern Gal – in 

Korean Gal – in 

The “In Crowd” goes to the Top Chef House – where Groups #1 and #2 are already getting their drink on. 

Meanwhile, back in the Mulligatawny Stew Room, Intense Korean Guy is plotting ways to kill his Bubbly competitors. Padma calls the Bubbles into the kitchen before he can act on his plan. 

There are 6 Bubblers and only 2 remaining spots left. Each will have 45 minutes to prepare any dish they’d like, using any ingredients in the kitchen. 

During the cooking, we find out a little bit more about some of the Bubbly Ones. Lesbian Gal was broken up with OVER THE PHONE after NINE YEARS with her partner. Ouch. All Grayson wanted to do was drink when she was 15 years-old (whatever happened to going to the mall???). And Intense Korean Guy cuts himself and pretty much reacts like THIS (go to 1:25): 

After the cooking is done – the chefs talk to the judges and then head back to the Dinty Moore Beef Stew Room. Eventually they are called back to stand in front of the judges. 

Results: 

Cruise Ship Soup Nazi – out 

French Dude – out 

Bloody Intense Korean Dude – in 

Big Burly Texas Bear – out 

In the end, it’s down to ‘Drunk-At-15 Grayson’, and ‘Single and Ready to Mingle Lesbian’. I though, for sure, that the Lesbian would get the final spot – as the Sisters of Sappho have a long and storied history on Top Chef… 

But they give the final chef coat to Grayson – who immediately runs to the Top Chef House to get her drink on with the rest of them. 

Top Chef Season 9 Ep 1 - Casting Special Part I

Last night’s episode of Top Chef was basically just a casting special with sauté pans – they were starting out with 29 potential cheftestants and whittling it down to 16. And they didn’t even finish! We’ll have to wait until next week to find out who is actually competing on the real show - which is kind of shady, akshully. 

The show begins with Padma introducing the show and the judges – Tom Colicchio, Gail Simmons and Her Boobies, Chef Hugh Acheson, and … ugh … Emeril Lagasse. 

Then, suddenly, we are at the Alamo, where the (literally) dozens of potential cheftestants gather. And, as always, the moment I hear the word “Alamo” I think of this… 

There’s no basement in the Alamo! 

The chefs will form 3 groups and take turns in the Top Chef kitchen competing for a spot on the show. Group #1 arrives in the kitchen and the first thing they see is a big pig! And alongside Emeril are Tom and a big pile of pork parts. The Chefs will be butchering/cooking the various parts of Emeril the pig for their challenge. 

The chefs introduce themselves and we have lots of James Beard award nominees, blah blah blah. BTW – is it just me, or does a “James Beard Award” sound like something a woman would win for dating closeted gay men? If that’s the case, then Renee Zellweger is in the James Beard Hall of Friggin Fame. 

Anywhore, the first chef we’re introduced to is Chef Tyler Douchenozzle, Personal Chef-To-The-Stars. Tyler talks like Thurston Howell III – he doesn’t move his jaw – and he basically goes on about how fabulous he is and how he wrote a cookbook in three days and whatnot. Well, the fabulosity ends the moment that buttnugget has to actually do something – in this case butcher his pork chops. It’s so bad that Chef Tom tells him to pack his knives and go WHILE HE’S STILL USING HIS KNIVES. God, I love this show. 

Cooking cooking cooking. After the cooking is over, Padma, Emeril and Tom sit down at a little judges table to find out what’s what. Padma recites the confusing rules – majority of two votes win but they could keep you “on the bubble” which means you would have to cook again in order to make the final show. 

Making the cut: Chef Gay Glasses and his sous chef Gay Facial Hair, both Big Chicago Gals and the African American Gal. 

On the bubble: Cruise Ship Soup Nazi and Tiny Tenderloin Lady. 

Out: Tattoo Latino Guy and Vegan with the sloppy soup. 

Now it’s time for group #2. This time the cheftestants enter the kitchen to find Gail, Padma and Tom – alongside a table of various proteins. The chefs are to select one protein, and each will create a dish using the same main ingredient. And don’t you know they chose the poor, adorable BUNNY RABBIT!!! 

We are introduced to this group of cheftestants, and the person who stands out to me is someone named “Tylor Boring”. Yes, you read that correctly – although it gets better. Tylor’s parents decided that he REALLY needed to be beaten up as a child so they threw in a hyphen AND an umlaut to make his first name “Ty-lör”. So, let’s review, his name is “Ty-lör Boring” and I pray to the sweet Baby Jeebus that he makes it just so I can joke about his name all season. 

Cooking cooking cooking. Padma, Gail and Tom sit down at the judges table and prepare to judge. Here are the results. 

In: Enormous Former Drug Dealer Dude, some chick named Whitney, Mr. Boring (YES!!!!!!!), some gal named Dakota, The Pretty White Boy and the adorable Pocket Latino. 

Bubble: The Korean Guy, The Lesbian Whose Dad Died 

Out: The Chick With No Rabbit On Her Plate 

And then, before you know it, the show was over. I was thinking that maybe it would be a two hour special but nope – we have to wait until next week to see Group #3 and the Bubble People compete for the final spots. 

Until then…

Top Chef Texas (Season 9) Begins Tonight

From BravoTV.com:

It’s a whole new ballgame for the competing chefs on Bravo’s Top Chef: Texas. For the first-time ever, season nine will boast a record 29 chefs -- almost double the amount of chefs in season’s past -- who will see if they have what it takes to become an official cheftestant and qualify to wear the Top Chef coat. Only 16 will go on to compete across the Lone Star State -- in Austin, Dallas and San Antonio. In what will prove to be the most challenging season yet, some of the biggest names in food, music, and entertainment including Charlize Theron, Pee-wee Herman, Cat Cora, John Besh, Tim Love, Patti LaBelle will be featured this season on Top Chef: Texas.Returning to the Judges' Table is host Padma Lakshmi and head judge, chef Tom Colicchio, alongside judges Gail Simmons and new this season, famed chef and restaurateur Emeril Lagasse and critically-acclaimed chef Hugh Acheson.

I'm assuming you'll want me to recap this, yes?!?

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Last Night On Top Chef: The Second-To-Last Supper

I watched Top Chef All Stars last night - and even took notes - but of course I left those notes at home. So now you'll just have to make due with some random thoughts which ya'll can discuss in the comments:

• Did anyone else feel like the producers took about 15 minutes of watchable television and stretched it out for a full hour? Let's face it, we all knew Blais was going to the FINALLY FINITO finale, so when it came down to "one bite" at the end to determine who he would compete against, it seemed like the first 45 minutes were kind of useless.

• Come to think of it, this entire season should have been called Top Chef: Meatloaf - a little bit of good meat and a whole bunch of filler.

• Last night Bighead Mike remarked that Wolfgang Puck was the only Chef he knew as a kid. What kind of childhood did he have?? Didn't he know about the Swedish Chef?...

• Or the Cream of Wheat guy?...

• Or, my personal favorite?...

• During the Quickfire, when Blais speculated that hot dogs must be "near and dear" to Austrian Wolfgang Puck's heart, I had an epiphany ... THIS IS WHY I LOVE WIENERS!! My father's side of the family, in fact, is of Austrian descent.

• It took Michelle Bernstein (below, with Bighead) exactly TWO sentences to inform us that she's "Latin and Jewish". Chef Bernstein is slipping ... those are usually the FIRST words out of her mouth.

• Dear Richard Blais: Winning "the most challenges in Top Chef history" is something to be proud of. However, when you remind us every 15 minutes of this achievement you sound a bit douchenozzly. Wait - scratch that. A LOT douchenozzly. Just saying.

• With that being said, I'll have to root for Blais in the ULTIMATE FINALLY REALLY-THIS-IS-IT FINAL FINALE. Because, you know, I just CAN'T with Bighead.

Thoughts? Predictions? Criticisms? "Last Supper" jokes?? Leave 'em in the Comments...