Top Haircut Episode Eight - "The Non-Recap"

I am not going to get a Shear Genius recap written - I just don't have the time to do it. But that doesn't mean YOU have to be deprived of Top Haircut hilarity. Please check out my two favorite recappers:

My buddy, The Minx - serves up her Photoshopped hysterics HERE.

And Cliff has a "supwrise" for you HERE.

Please leave them comments telling them how fabulous they both are. Us recappers need constant coddling...

Top Haircut Episode Seven - Lots and Lots of Bitches

Yes, darling readers, after a two-week hiatus, I’m back to recapping Top Haircut. If you don’t remember, last week I was thwarted by the Great Blogger Lockout of 2008, and the week before my Mother decided to write my recap for me. Why wasn’t she so eager to do my homework when I was in SCHOOL?!?

To get you all up to speed, Gail and Glenn have gone home – while Nekisa somehow remains. Charlie is still a bitch, Dee is still a cross-eyed lesbian, and Daniel still sounds like Lady Bird Johnson.

The salontestants gather in the salon, where Hostess with the Mostess Jaclyn Smith greets them. Since they all sucked ass last week at the Charlie’s Angels challenge, no one gets to be on the Allure Hall of Fame Lite·Brite Board. The sadness is palpable.

This week’s guest judge is “Kitchen Beautician” Robert Hallowell. He is called a kitchen beautician because bitch is cheap and would rather use peanut butter than Nexxus products. Why is Bravo – the Queens of Product Placement – letting this hippie on the show? Oh, I get it – Bravo just landed the Procter & Gamble account...

Shortcut Challenge:

The salontestants are required to create a “futuristic” look, using no salon products – just food items such as anchovies, mustard and tuna. That’s just nasty. There is a table in front of them with 33 different items, and I’m waiting for Padma to ask them to draw knives. The Top Chef hostess never materializes, so our Kitchen Beauticians select clients and food products and the fun begins.

Charlie will be baking his model’s hair using flour and salt. Dee will be “frosting” her model with egg whites and butter. And Nicole has picked squid – because she is stoned.

Charlie is on the rag today – and is alternately picking fights with wonk-eyed LesbiDee, and perpetual bottom-dweller Nekisa. Nekisa is the only one dumb enough to take the bait. And Charlie better hope that Dee’s good eye doesn’t finally focus on him – lesbians can be vicious once they get a lock on you.

The 45 minutes are up, and the salontestants line up for judging. Guest Judge Robert likee Paulo, Daniel and Dee – and no likee Nekisa (natch) and Nicole. Nicole, who ditched her Fried Hair Calamari idea and got rid of the squid – is the loser. Maybe a nice seafood salad would have been better – after all, it IS summertime. Paulo is declared the winner.

That night, they all return to the house and do their usual drinking and hating. Daniel Bird Johnson, who seems to be the most diplomatic of the bunch, gives us the Hate Update. Nekisa hates Nicole. Nicole hates Dee. Dee hates Charlie. Charlie hates everyone. And Jaclyn Smith hates Lippy Kim Vo for stealing her Monday morning appointment at the Botox Doctor.

Elimination Challenge:

The next day, the remaining six stylists meet René Steak Frites in a park to receive their challenge. He reveals the clients – and six bitches come walking over the hill – along with their female owners. Yes, the stylist bitches will be cutting and styling dog hair.

Dee looks wonk-eyed and horrified. She don’t know nothing about no dogs. She has a cat. Of course you do dear, you are a lesbian. And I bet you also have 85 keys on your clip-on keychain, and a collection of sleeveless flannel shirts. I would bet money that her pussy’s name is Rosie. I mean her CAT, people – don’t be disgusting!

Paulo gets to select his bitch first, and then selects the order the other stylists get to choose. Daniel has to pick last, so we can add “Daniel hates Paulo” to the Hate Update.

What’s this?!? There’s a TWIST! Not only will these bitches be cutting the hair of the bitches, they will ALSO cut the bitch’s OWNER’S hair! And they have to make doggie and lady look alike. And since none of the stylists were paying attention to the women (only the dogs) – they are thrown for a loop. Good luck, bitches – ALL of you.

They return to the salon, which has been stocked with doggie grooming products. They have 2 ½ hours to get all their bitches runway-ready. Goodness, I would LOVE to hear René say “wunway weady”…

René Fudd wanders around giving “advice” – which consists of words that no one can understand. This prompts the salontestants to nod their head “yes” a lot and pray he moves on. But René won’t leave Nekisa alone – saying her doggie looks “pwegnant”. He is also making Charlie smacktalk the others, and Charlie focuses on Dee – who he thinks is good, “but she’s a bitch”. Wait, I’m getting all my bitches confused.

Nekisa’s client look like she wants to run away – the WOMAN, not the dog. And Daniel decides to put HAIR EXTENSIONS on his dog. Paulo thinks this looks like “Duck’s ass on crack”. Now we can also add “Paulo hates Daniel” to the Hate Update.

And now it’s time for me to write the line I’ve been waiting to write this entire episode:

It’s time for the Dog Show, BITCHES!

On the runway, we are introduced to the Judges: Lippy Kim Vo, Kelly Atterton, and Guest Judge Jennifer McCarthy – dog trainer to the stars. She seems like a serious person, and I bet she HATES it when people call her “Jenny McCarthy” and ask her why her hair isn’t blond. I can just picture her eye-roll and disgust. Jaclyn gets to utter the phrase that SHE has been waiting to say this entire episode: “Every dog has its day”. Walk bitches!!!

All the bitches walk and show off their new styles. After the show, the judges determine that Daniel and Dee are the top two. Dee is the winner, because both her bitches ended up looking alike. Yes ladies and gentleman – the lesbian won the Bitch Challenge. My money was on Charlie, but I was wrong.

Speaking of Charlie – he, Paulo, and Nekisa (natch) are in the bottom three. Charlie bitches about having to cut the bitches, but the bitch is safe. This leaves us with Paulo’s “mullet”, and Nekisa’s mess. Nekisa’s model looks absolutely horrified by what has been done to her hair – AND to her dog's hair. These bitches aren’t happy.

Paulo is safe – and Nekisa finally goes home. After being in the bottom for almost EVERY challenge – she gets booted by two bitches.


Next week: Lippy Kim Vo has “violet vomit”. Or is that VIOLENT vomit? Whatever it is, I bet it was caused by the Botox. Till then BITCHES!!!

Top Haircut Episode Five - Guest Blogger: MY MOM!

Okay people – here’s the deal. After Project Runway on Wednesday, I watched Shear Genius/Top Haircut (as always). At the very same time, some serious thunderstorms came through the city and kept freezing up my cable. Since I am DVR-less, I had to make do with what I saw, and I was going to either make shit up, or try to figure out what happened on-line in order to do my re-cap.

Out of the blue, my mother sends me an email the next day with her “thoughts” on Top Haircut. This was unsolicited (I hadn’t even talked to her about this), and Mama Bunny has never done this before. I SWEAR, her Mommy instinct must have told her I needed some help with my recap. Besides, I have to write up my interview with Matt Locke – and didn’t have much time for Top Haircut anyway.

So, I would like to present Mama Bunny’s thoughts on Top Haircut – Episode 5 - "Bitch Boys and Baldness". [My words appear in italics and brackets]:

Mama Bunny Says:

I'm currently watching last night's TH and I can hardly wait to hear what you have to say. A few random thoughts:

[Salontestants go to the beach for the Shortcut challenge, which is to cut some salty surfer-dude hair. Glenn, as the winner of the last challenge, makes is to the Allure EASEL of Fame because there are no walls at the beach. Why is Nekisa dressed like Mrs. Roper?]

Guest Judge Oscar Blandi is HILARIOUS! I love that he calls the surfer dudes "bitch boys". I also enjoyed it when he announced the styletestants had "turdy" minutes left.

The blond twins are reminiscent of long past fantasies but I call dibs on Willy. You know this thing I have about younger men.

[Nicole wins the Shortcut Challenge and does a victory cartwheel. SUCK IT Glenn and Charlie!]

[Elimination Challenge: Give women who are bald (from Alopecia) a new wig with a new style. René Fudd calls them “Weegs”]

Paulo weeps because these bald women are so BRAVE! I cringe because Paulo has a doohickey in his nose. I envision him blowing his nose and little pieces of tissue get caught in the doohickey.

Now Nicole is crying. And her client. This studio is just bursting at the seams with BRAVERY! Nicole is creating her own elfin style on her model -- I hope the model isn't required to use the sunrise/sunset eye shadow as well. They both seem a little pre-menstrual to me. In fact, it seems like an epidemic of PMS is raging through the studio. Should we notify the authorities at the Center for Disease Control?

[It’s time for the Hair Show, Bitches!]

Charlie: My client is 19 and a pharmacist. Don't you have to go to school to become a pharmacist? Can you do that by 19? [Mom: It’s called a “Drug Dealer” – and no, you don’t have to go to school for it]

Jaclyn Smith is a FREAK! I just want to slap those perfect cheeks. "Reminds me of my friend, Farah Fawcett." YIKES!!! Has she seen a photo of FF lately?

What the hell is a Kim Vo??? I bet he started wearing lipstick in pre-school. "I'd like an order of Kim Vo and steamed dumplings to go.

"Paulo and Nicole are the top two. More tears. Puh-leeeze!! [Paulo wins – even MORE tears. Puh-leeeze!!]

Nekisa's helmet hair. Obviously caused by the bloating that comes with the PMS epidemic. And Gail now cries because she lost. Awwww. Weepiness -- another symptom of PMS.

I'm glad we will still have Charlie to kick around.

XOXOXO

Mom

[Thanks Mom - you crack me up. XOXOXOXO]

A Message From David...

A few words from your fearless leader:

I feel like New Hampshire before the primary season – everyone ignores me until it’s time to vote. I heard from Design Star’s Jennifer Bertrand yesterday! She sent me a sweet email:

Hi David! It's Jen from the show! :) I just wanted to email you and say I love your blog! I know you're a Team Matt fan and when you speak to him, you're going to love him even more! But I just wanted to tell you that your blog is hilarious and always cracks me up! I hope you enjoy Sunday's show. It was crazy hard but the coolest finale we could have done. I annoyingly cry on the show like Halle Berry but without the Oscar so it should be a good time! Thanks again for the fun reads! Jen

Wasn't that adorable? I emailed her back and gave her hell for being nice to me. How am I supposed to write snarky recaps when both designtestants have taken the time to reach out to me? Damn you – nice people!! Remember, the VIEWERS (not the judges) will vote for the winner of Design Star – hence the “New Hampshire” treatment I’m getting right now.

Take a look at Jennifer’s website here.

Speaking of nice people, I will be interviewing Matt Locke (the other designtestant competing in the final) early this evening. I probably won’t be able to post my write-up until Saturday. In the meantime, I hope to be posting my Project Runway recap late this afternoon, and my Top Haircut recap sometime tomorrow. Busy, busy, busy!

In even more shocking news: Tango actually made me laugh last night on Project Runway when he made fun of Burnout Stella and her "Leh-tha" fetish. Holla at cha boy! Sorry, I couldn't help it...

Top Haircut Episode Four - Curlyphobia

On the last episode of Top Haircut, Charlie won (again), and Matt mentioned his wife once or twice before being sent home to reunite with her.

This week’s Shear Genius opens in the salon, where Jaclyn welcomes the hairtestants and introduces this week’s guest judge, Roy Teeluck. Mr. Teeluck is the Editorial Director for Nexxus, has a fancy accent, and has many helpful hints on having healthy hair. I know this because he says so in commercials.

For this week’s Shortcut Challenge, the stylists will be playing “musical clients”. They will start by coloring their initial client’s hair – and at various points during the challenge the clients will be asked to move to a different stylist for cut/styling/etc. They do not know how many “jumps” there will be, or how long each jump will last.

The Salontestants pick clients and start coloring. Nekisa, who has been in the bottom group 3 times, hopes the “fourth time’s the charm”. And if she survives this week, she’ll be hoping the fifth time’s the charm. Meredith, my new favorite, has decided on a shocking Pippi Longstocking red color for her client. And Gail is wandering around, asking the others what she should do. Isn’t that why she went to hairdo school?

The clients are told to move one chair to the left. Paulo freaks out, saying this swapping was like a “crazy orgy” – but it’s much more like hair speed-dating, without the whistle. Daniel ends up with Pippi Longstocking, and tries to tone her down a bit.

Next, the clients are told to move two stations to the right. Paulo’s client, who had said she was up for ANYTHING hair-wise, is having a nervous breakdown in Charlie’s chair. Somehow Evil Charlie musters up some niceness for a “hug session”. Charlie then compliments Meredith on her “big balls”. Charlie is feeling warm and fuzzy.

The last jump is announced, and the clients are told to return to their original stylists. Nekisa asks her gal the question EVERY stylist asks when you go to someone else: “Who cut your hair?!?”. The dumbass probably cut it herself, two jumps ago. Charlie, who selected his client in the hopes of never seeing her lame hair again, is “Reunited” with her – and unlike the Peaches and Herb song, it does NOT feel so good. Time is up.

Everyone lines up with their clients and Roy does his judging. Some of these stylists could obviously benefit from Mr. Teeluck's helpful hints. Nekisa, who always talks as if she just created the most innovative style since the Dorothy Hamill, is one of these people. Charlie, back in evil mode, mentions that Nekisa’s big boobies can’t “get her out of everything”. Me-ow. Roy isn’t impressed with the boobies or the hairstyle, and Nekisa is again on the bottom. But so is Meredith and her Pippi Longstocking laughingstock. My Meredith loses, so Nekisa’s tits must possess some power.

It is announced that Dee is the winner, and she immediately asks if she can have Nekisa’s boobies, instead of first pick of client during the Elimination Challenge. Slow down DeGeneres, they’re not going to change the rules just for you. Dee takes the immunity, but would much rather have the boobies. Ok, that whole thing didn’t really happen, but Dee REALLY has the hots for Nekisa.

That evening back home, the salontestants are chugging booze and getting angry. Dee and Charlie start snipping at eat other, which eventually turns into a full-on Lesbian Fight. Finally, Meredith tells everybody to suck it – SHE was the one who lost the challenge, not them. I love her.

The next day in the Salon, Rene Fudd introduces “Woy Teewuck”, who looks strangely similar to Roy Teeluck from the day before. The challenge is announced – the hairtestants must create a style that their clients can re-create at home. Instead of being judged this evening, their clients will go home and come back tomorrow.

As the winner of the Shortcut challenge, Dee selects first. Still hoping to cop a feel of those boobies, she selects Nekisa to pick second. Charlie picks last, because lesbians know how to hold a grudge. Charlie thanks the Hair Gods for his immunity. In response, Queen Helene and Paul Mitchell say “you're welcome”.

The winner of this challenge will also be featured in a Nexxus ad in Allure. Glenn thinks it would be “amazing” to be in a magazine that’s sold at Wal-Mart checkout counters all over this great nation. Reach for the stars, girl.

The key to this challenge will be listening to their clients, and training their clients how to re-create the style that they design. Meredith, who specializes in curly hair, has come up with a simple, 85-step plan for her increasingly confused client. Keep it simple, stupid! Nicole, who everyone else thinks is an amateur, is only using a blow-dryer (something that most women have) and is dissing the other “professionals” who are using complicated flat irons and intricate techniques (like Meredith). Nicole isn’t as dumb as she looks (or sounds). Actually, she doesn’t really sound (or look) dumb, just incredibly stoned.

Rene Steak Frites gives us the traditional “Won Minutes Weft!” call, and everyone scrambles to finish. C-ya tomorrow, bitches!

That evening, back at the Casa du Coif, Dee continues her blatant attempt to get in Nekisa’s pants with a request for a neck message. Nekisa plays stupid (extremely well, I might add) and says she’s “all personality”, and that’s why Dee is nice to her. Honey, Dee isn’t interested in your personality, if you smell what I’m stepping in.

The next morning, the clients return to the salon to recreate their ‘do’s in 30 minutes. The salontestants must watch in silence but end up making weird faces, which makes some of these novices nervous. Nicole’s client is done in 8 minutes and the look on Nicole’s face can be described as “Amateur THIS, bitches!”.

It’s time for the Hair Show, and the clients strut their stuff on the runway. Paulo’s client has “crazy eyes”, and Meredith’s client looks sleepy. And what’s up with Dee? Is it me, or is she a little wonk-eyed herself?

It’s time for the Judges to Judge, and Jaclyn announces that Daniel, Gail, and Paulo are safe. The judges would like to speak to the others.

Glenn’s client REALLY likee her cut, calling it “fun”. Lippy Kim Vo doesn’t like the mushroom shape of Meredith’s style, to which Meredith explains that mushrooms go with EVERYTHING. Nice try. Charlie, who has immunity, “just hung out” with his client, and Lippy says “it showed”. Ouch.

Dee mentions her upside down blow-drying technique, which sounds like a lesbian thing. And I could have SWORN that her client’s name is “Leilani”, which sounds like a lesbian porn movie. The judges no likee Nekisa’s creation, but seem to likee Nicole’s 8-minute hairdo.

In the backroom, while waiting for the judges to make their decision, Glenn announces that she would give her “right tit” to be published. She REALLY wants to be featured down at the Wal-Mart, ya'll!

The judges call them back out, and Dee, Glenn, and Nicole are the top three. Glenn is told she is the winner, and to drop off her right tit before she leaves. She begins to cry – either because she will be featured at discount store checkout counters, or because cutting off a boobie really hurts.

Nekisa, Charlie, and Meredith are the bottom three. Charlie has immunity, so it’s down to Nekisa and my girl Meredith. If that lesbian-tease Nekisa ends up staying, and the highly entertaining Meredith goes home, I will be devastated. Dee casts her wonk-eye upon the object of her lust, thinking the exact opposite.

Nekisa is SAFE – Dee must have pulled some Lesbian Mafia strings or something. Nekisa can’t believe that she has squeaked by yet again. I guess the fifth time might be the charm after all.

Meredith packs her things and enlightens us about a prejudice that I never knew existed – Curlyphobia. She explains that many people just don’t like curly hair, and she tries every day to keep Curly-haired hate crimes at bay.

“Straight hair people just don’t get it”, she adds. Those damn judges must all be curlyphobes. And because of their hate, my favorite hairtestant has to go.


On the next Top Haircut: Bald Bitches and Beaches. Or Bald Beaches and Bitches. Or something. Till then bitches!!

A CRAZY Few Days Ahead!

These next two days are going to be CRAZY for me. Tonight is the premier of Project Runway Season Five, followed by a new episode of Top Haircut/Shear Genius. I have NO idea how I’m going to write TWO recaps – I may delay Top Haircut until Friday (or simply change from a recap to a “highlights” post – and let you discuss in the comments).

Tomorrow night I am going to see Yaz – an 80’s synth-pop band that I fell in love with in college. I have been reading blogs about their West Coast shows, and they have gotten excellent reviews.

One thing I want you to know is that WAY back in March when I bought my Yaz tickets, I posted the following:

I had the choice of a Wednesday or Thursday night - and I picked Thursday, just in case I'm still recapping some Wednesday night Bravo Tranny reality show in July. See bitches, I'm ALWAYS thinking about my Dust Bunnies!

How smart am I ?!?

XOXOXOXO

Top Haircut - Episode Three - We Get It Girl, You're MARRIED...

Last week's Top Haircut was all about Ho's – Orange County Ho's, Pocket Ho's, and a cranky Ho named Tabatha. Charlie (Gay Ho from Hell) won, and Parker was sent HOme for his hairdo 'HO-mage' to Cher. What? Too much with the "Ho" thing??? See my Episode Two recap here.

It's new day on Shear Genius, and the salontestants are greeted by host Jaclyn Smith. She congratulates Charlie on his win. Every time Jaclyn says "Charlie", I always expect to hear John Forsyth's voice on a speaker phone – talking to his "Angels". And for Kate Jackson to give the other two broads an annoyed look for being dumb bitches.

The Shortcut Challenge clients enter, and Jaclyn says "ladies, let it loose". I am instantly terrified – as much as I appreciate the boobies, I certainly don't need to see 20 of them right now. But it turns out the "clients" all have long hair (ranging from over the shoulder, to dragging on the floor) and THAT'S what they "let loose". The salontestants freak out. I'm just glad it's hair and not boobies.

Their challenge will be to create an interesting and structurally complicated hairstyle. Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong. They must use one accessory (handbag?, belt?). And they can't do a simple ponytail or bun. Oh, and they can't cut ANY hair off these hippie freaks. And they have to include "at least fifteen pieces of flair". And they get extra points if they can incorporate live animals (monkeys and songbirds are best) into these nappy messes. Okay, I made up the last two. Regardless, this ain’t going to be easy.

Campbell McCauley is the guest judge. He is responsible for Cameron Diaz and Christina Aguilera's hair. I CERTAINLY hope he didn't create this mess:

Since this is a "long hair" challenge, a BETTER guest judge would be the southern-fried Queen responsible for country legend Crystal Gayle's hair:


Meredith, my new favorite salontestant, gets the "client" with the 5 ½ foot-long hair. Meredith suddenly gets a visit from the Holy Spirit, and prays: "My Lord Jesus, I'm so sorry for my sins…" She asks 'Cousin It' how long she's been growing her hair. "First Grade", 'Client It' responds. "Jesus!", Meredith reacts. Bad hair can bring out the religious radical in a gal. Meredith has to literally use her FEET to help style Miss Rapunzel. I'm sorry, but I don't want no feets up in my 'do. Foreals.

"Straight" Matt has decided to do a "headdress of curls", while weaving a pearl necklace in his client's up-do. Because nothing says masculinity like headdresses and pearls – and hairdressing. LesbiDee is TOTALLY mackin' on Nekisa – saying she really "connects" with her, and besides, Nekisa "looks hot". Slow down there, Rosie. But Dee realizes that Nekisa sucks ass and won't be in the competition for long – so she needs to make her move soon.

Campbell does his judging, and sure enough – Nekisa loses. She didn't have time to incorporate the accessory (or pieces of flair, or monkey) into her client's hair. Nekisa is "not cool under pressure", she admits. Wait until LesbiDee makes her move – talk about pressure!

"Straight" Matt's extremely masculine "headdress" with the pearl necklace is the winner. He will get first pick of client for the Elimination Challenge, and will get to pick the order in which the other salontestants will select. Matt gives a little acceptance speech, in which he mentions his "wife". This is the first of about 2,000 mentions of said "wife" in this one episode alone. Knowing Bravo's blatant use of product placement, I was waiting for a promo for Bravo's new show "Straight Matt and His Wife – Adventures in Texas Hairdressing". But apparently it wasn't Bravo – it was just Matt making sure we ALL knew that he had a "wife". I've made a mental note honey – calm down.

Matt is now target #1 for ass-kissing, since he will determine in which order the others will select their clients. The salontestants return to the residence and break out the cheap vodka and plastic cups. Matt goes to bed, which freaks everyone out. "Wait, he CAN'T go to bed - we haven't even BEGUN to insert our noses up his butt yet!" Drunk Meredith (did I mention she's growing on me?) drags him back downstairs and proposes a toast in his honor. "This is not a suck-up", Meredith slurs, "This is a genuine, genuine ... suck up". Remind me NOT to ask Meredith give a toast at my wedding reception. You know, when Franky G and I get married. What??? It could happen!

After a night of suckuppery, it's a new day in the Shear Genius Salon. René Steak Frites is there, murdering the English Language ("Engwish Wangwuage"). If Elmer Fudd were gay and from Denmark, this is exactly what he would sound like. René Fudd tells the salontestants that their Elimination Challenge will be all about "Wed Cawpet Gwamour Her". In English, that's "Red Carpet Glamour Hair". I'm hunting Wabbits!

René shows them their "clients", which are actually dresses. They will pick the dresses first, and THEN get to see their actual models. Matt gets to pick first, and of course has to select the dress that would look best on his WIFE(!). And for good measure, Miss Thing announces to the world that he is INDEED "happily married". Note to Matt: NO ONE IS TRYING TO GET WITH YOU - man OR woman. Chill out, Mary!

Matt lets Paulo select next. ScruffyGay Paulo is a consistent bottom-dweller, so Miss Matt must have her THINKING HEADDRESS (with pearls) on this morning! Matt selects Glenn last, because the two can't stand each other. You know she called him a "nelly fag" when the cameras weren't rolling, prompting Matt's hatred.

The actual women arrive, and they have two hours to "shake it" (which I STILL don't get). The camera focuses for a moment on Matt, who tells us, once again, about the simple black dress he selected because it would look good on his - all together now - BOYFRIEND! Oh, sorry, I mean WIFE! He asks his client if her hair curls easily. She says "no", in fact - it doesn't curl at all. He proceeds to go with curls anyway, because a REAL MAN can get ANY hair to curl! Matt also starts taunting Charlie, calling him a bitch. Because that's what straight guys do - tease and call the other boys "girlfriend" and "bitch". Locker rooms catfights can be vicious! Me-ow!!

Charlie, who gives it right back to Matt ("only if you're rough with me Baby!") is planning a 48-stage hairdo that would normally take 15 hours and a staff of 10. But of course he's going to get it done, alone, in two hours. And you KNOW he's going to win. Charlie even yells at René Steak Frites, telling him to stop talking Euro-gay-gibberish and let him get his hair extravaganza finished!

Lady Daniel Bird Johnson, after he "wet himself" over the Orange County Ho's, is trying to do his best, because he might meet another "celebrity". His name needs to be placed in some kind of Celebrity Stalker Database - he's just a little too anxious to meet famous people.

René Steak Frites exclaims "Won Minutes Weft!", which I'm assuming means they only have one more minute to work. It's time for the Hair Show, bitches!

For a change of scenery, the Hair Show is held outside, where the salontestant's "models" will exit from a limo (clown-car style), and walk the red carpet. Guest Judges this week are famed Hair Stylist Marc Townsend (who looks like a stockbroker but sounds gayer than Liberace), and Days of our Lives actress Alison Sweeney. After all, nothing says "Wed Cawpet Gwamour" like the Soap Opera Digest Awards.

All ten models strut their stuff, and Jaclyn announces that Meredith, Dee, Nekisa, and Daniel Bird Johnson are safe. They go to the backroom, where Dee can start making moves on Nekisa.

The judges judge the various hairdo's and hair don’ts - and this is how it breaks down. They really likee Glenn's "polished" look, Charlie's "flawless" design, and Gail's "elegant" creation. "Flawless" Charlie wins. Ever humble, he exclaims "I rocked the shit out of the color ... OKAY?!?". Girl's getting ghetto up in this piece. You won bitch - stop instigating!

The bottom three were Paulo ("Princess Leia on Crystal Meth"), Nicole ("Asian Bridezilla") and Straight Matt ("My Pretty Gay Pony". After much deliberation, it is determined that Matt is going home.

"Good, thank you", he tells the judges. You see, Matt's been missing his WIFE. In fact, he says he's "happy to lose", so he can go home to his WIFE. It was lonely there without his WIFE. Did he mention that he is MARRIED, and has a WIFE?!? He did??? Well, please know, HE LOVES HIS WIFE.

Guess what Matt? Senator Larry "Wide Stance" Craig loves his "wife" also...among other things...



Next week: It's SABOTAGE!! Till then bitches!!!!!

Top Haircut Recap Will Be Delayed...

I won't be able to post my Shear Genius recap until later today AT THE EARLIEST. There is a distinct possibility it won't be posted until tomorrow or even Saturday.

I have a ton of work to catch up on, and my cat is sick again - so she and I will be at the Vet tomorrow. Which of course makes me want to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. Doctors of ANY kind make me want to run and hide.

I will try and post something later - but it probably won't be my recap.

Top Haircut - Episode Two - Who ARE All These Bitches?

On last week's episode, "Oshun got washed out" - his words, not mine - and Daniel won the Elimination Challenge. And again, I must remind you that I did NOT watch Shear Genius last season - so this is still a learning experience for me. Please excuse me if I don't understand all the customs, traditions, and personalities of Top Haircut.

It’s a new day, and we see morning in Los Angeles - SMOG ALERT!! Host Jaclyn Smith and mush-mouthed mentor René Steak Frites are in the Salon with the salontestants. They announce that Daniel, as the winner of the last challenge, gets to be on something called the Allure "Wall of Fame", which looks remarkably similar to the Arby's "Employee of the Month" display. But Daniel is "truly, truly, truly" amazed to be up on this wall (that's THREE "trulys"), so we should let him have his moment.

Jaclyn tells the salontestants that their Shortcut Challenge this week will be taking long hair and making it short. Okay, I know I'm new here, but isn't that the entire philosophy behind the haircut? I guess I still have a lot to learn.

In addition to having immunity, Daniel will also be able to pick his client first, and then select the order in which the others with pick their clients. After Daniel selects, he lets kinda-cute Parker pick next (Daniel obviously wants a piece). ScruffyGay Paulo is made to pick last (Daniel obviously already HAD a piece).

Jaclyn tells them to "shake it!" - and all I can think of is how much I DON'T want my Barber "shaking it" when he has the scissors near my ear. The bitches get to cutting.

Nekisa immediately starts dissing her client for dying her hair too much, including literally slapping her client's wrist. René Steak Frites walks around talking gibberish and giving us gayface. LesbiDee has decided she wants "bad ass haircutter" Nicole to go home. Lesbians can be mean.

Jaclyn comes back into the salon and tells everyone to stop - the Guest Judge is finally here (traffic in L.A. can be a bitch!). Some cranky broad named Tabatha enters (no last name – like Cher). Tabatha is apparently known for NOT winning last season and for being a bitch. She too has a funny accent. I'm glad that at least Jaclyn speaks American - like the Good Lord intended.

The salontestants seem genuinely frightened of Tabatha, and we soon see why. She is ONE.EVIL.BIATCH. She basically walks around and tells everyone how much they suck and what they're doing wrong. Wait, correct me if I'm wrong, but this Ho was NOT named Shear Genius last season, correct? She's pretty damn judgmental, considering she's a loser. I'm just waiting for her to say: "I don't care if you have to cry and cut, but you have to CRY AND CUT". Lesbians can be mean!

The Shortcut challenge is over, and everyone lines up with their clients. Tabatha slings the stank to each salontestant - one by one. When all is said and done, ScruffyGay Paulo and Nekisa are the bottom two. You could tell they were going to be on the bottom because Tabatha fought with both of them the longest. Nekisa is the loser. Charlie is announced to be the winner. Why does Charlie’s voice today sound like Bea Arthur after a bottle of Scotch and three packs of Benson & Hedges?

The next morning, the salontestants awake to find a bowl of numbered oranges in their kitchen. Charlie hopes their challenge WON'T involve the Real Housewives of Orange County, because he's already talked shit about them. And we're only half-way through the SECOND episode. Charlie's not wasting any time. Glenn, on the other hand, thinks they might be going to an Orange County correctional facility. I'm with Glenn, I'd MUCH rather deal with inmates than those Orange County Ho's. But then again, I have a weakness for men behind bars.

They return to the salon, and René Steak Frites mumbles their challenge. Something about haircuts...that's all I got. He tells everyone to go meet their clients.

They will indeed be styling the UnReal Housewives of Orange County (and their daughters). Why are the daughters there? Weren't there enough Housewives to go around? It seems to me that there would be AT LEAST eleven plastic Orange County bitches willing to be on television. Again, I have to apologize, because I never watched the Housewives either. Wait, I didn’t know Wynonna Judd had a twin sister?? And Daniel, who was described by the boys at Project Rungay as a cute blond boy with Lady Bird Johnson's voice - is losing his mind. Apparently Lady Bird is "a fan". So much of a fan, that when someone named Laurie got married, he got dressed up, ate canapés, and cried. They have people you can talk to for stuff like this Daniel. Seriously, you need help.

The salontestants and Ho’s match up using a complicated numbered orange system that I won’t go into here. No one seems to want the Ho named Vicki – she’s a handful. Daniel is still stalking Laurie and wants to pet her and put her in his pocket (a POCKET HO!). Laurie’s attorneys are filing restraining orders with the proper authorities as we speak.

It seems that we are going to have a battle this season with NiceGay Daniel, and EvilGay Charlie. Charlie is definitely angling for an Omarosa-esque career after the show is over. Since Charlie won the Shortcut Challenge – he can switch with someone. He switches up with Daniel – who seems upset. Go pet Laurie, that should make you feel better.

The salontestants start serving Champagne to the Ho’s to calm them down and keep them in line. Good plan. Vicki won’t stay in her chair. Parker is clueless about color – he just cuts hair all day. Bravo Reality Show Pet Peeve #1: Bitches who come on Project Runway that are clueless about menswear, bitches on Top Chef who can’t make dessert, and bitches on Top Haircut that can’t do color. Mama Bunny has been coloring her own hair for 30 years – it can’t be that hard!! Red, in case you’re wondering (her natural color).

They manage to do their thing to the Ho’s/Daughter – and it’s time for the Hair Show. Seriously, that’s the BEST tag line on Bravo. WAY better than “One day you’re in, and the next day, YOU’RE OUT”. The judges are “Master Colorist” Lippy Kim Vo, Kelly from Allure, and Tabatha from Hell.

Ho’s and Daughters walk the runway and do a little “flip” with the back of their hair. The only emotion that registers on Tabatha’s face is stank. There is NOTHING registering on Jaclyn and Kim’s faces – Botox will do that to a gal/tranny.

After the Hair Show, the salontestants go to the “Break Room” (classy!) to worry. They are called back out for the judges’ decision.

On top, we have Glenn, Dee, and Charlie. Charlie is the winner, and vows to keep his “shit tight” for the next challenge. Which would definitely give Charlie the advantage if they go to that correctional facility. Charlie has immunity for the next challenge.

On the bottom, we have Paulo, Gail, and Parker. When they announce the bottom three, NiceGay Daniel Bird Johnson starts to cry – because he loves everyone, and everyone is love. Charlie counters with “the Oscars are ovah Baby.” Snarky is just AWFUL, isn’t it? I’m so glad I’m not that way…

Parker (who’s own hair looked like HELL, by the way) is sent home because he can’t sew menswear. No, I’m sorry, he was sent home because of his lack of dessert knowledge. Or maybe it was because Bitch is a hairdresser who doesn’t know how to do color. Whichever the case may be – if you don’t prepare, you go home.

Next week: Charlie yells at René Steak Frites, and there are Drunken Prom Queens. Till then bitches!!!!

Top Haircut - Episode One - "There Ain't Much Motion In This Oshun"

Alternate Title: "Operation: Get Rid of the Black Guy"

Don’t get excited – this is NOT a recap per se, just some observations about last night’s Top Haircut. Keep in mind, this is the absolute first time I’ve ever seen Shear Genius (I didn’t watch last season), so this is all new to me. I have to say, it WAS entertaining.

● Jaclyn Smith looks FLAWLESS – especially considering she’s like 80-years-old. Jaclyn obviously got the “Deluxe Package” at PlasticSurgery Mart, and she must use Heather Locklear’s makeup, hair, and lighting people. Fierce all around.

● Smith’s sidekick last night, “Master Colorist” Mr. Kim Vo, only bought the “Puffy Lip Special” at PlasticSurgery Mart. His hair color IS flawless – but everything else screams HOT TRANNY MESS.

● When Vo was introduced; they mentioned he is responsible for Britney Spears’ hair. What, those ratty weaves containing bits of Funyuns and Cheetoh dust??!!?? It’s time to take Brit-Brit off your resume, girl.

● Oshun, the token black guy, likes to refer to himself in the third person – and then use a bunch of words that rhyme with “Oshun” (pronounced like the body of water). Motion, lotion, potion, and ‘causing a commotion’ were all used (I think). And as we all know – because he’s black, he WILL be going home first – a la Top Chef (Nimma), Design Star (Scottie), and every horror movie ever made. Don’t call me a racist, bitches, this is a scientifical fact. Look it up.

● There is also a white chick named “Nekisa”, and a lesbian named “Dee”. I didn’t realize lesbians could cut hair. Top Mechanic or Top Janitor I could understand – but Top Haircut? Watch what happens!

● We also have the Bravo-patented “token straight guy” – who mentions his wife in his very first breath. Calm yourself Mary – we get it, you’re ALL ABOUT getting up in the cha-cha.

● Their version of the Quickfire Challenge – the “Shortcut Challenge” – last night had the salontestants cutting hair blindfolded. I was just glad that bitches were not stabbed or maimed. Oshun lost the challenge due to his “butcher job”. He should stick to rhyming.

● OK, seriously, hold the friggin’ phone. Who in the hell is “mentor” Rene Fris? He is gorgeous, but he REALLY needs to keep his mouth shut. He has one of those horrible Eurotrash accents, and I can’t tell if he’s talking about “hair color” or “her collar”. And his reading of cue cards has to be seen to be believed.


● The Elimination Challenge required the salontestants to create a hairstyle inspired by various cartoon characters. It is SO sad, I am too old to have any idea who the hell “Jem” is. There used to be a drag queen at the Roxy named “Gem Gender” who carried a plastic raygun – so we referred to her as “Security!”. But I don’t think that’s the "Jem" they were talking about last night.

● Jaclyn Smith just said “It’s time for the Hair Show”. I’m getting a t-shirt.

● Dallas Daniel – the Kayne Gillespie of the show – is all about “Southern Hair”. He wins the challenge with his Wilma Flintstone design. He keeps hairspray in his pocket. I keep money and some napkins to wipe my sweaty face in mine, but whatever.

● Oshun, who seems directly out of an In Living Color skit, loses and gets sent home. Wait, did he just say “Cracka Lackin’”? Buh-bye Oshun – you weren’t as “deep” as you kept saying you were.

● Operation: Get Rid of the Black Guy. ACCOMPLISHED.


For all things Shear Genius, visit our friends at Blogging Shear Genius.


Till next week, bitches!!!

This Is What "Stank" Tastes Like...

First she gave us "The Moana Lisa"...

And now The Minx gives us "LOL Lisa"...

I LOVE me some of The Minx. In fact, I want to let EVERYONE know about her new project:

BloggingShearGenius

Yes Dust Bunnies, The Minx has teamed up with our friend Laura K and the gang at BloggingProjectRunway to bring us all the latest news on Shear Genius (or "Top Haircut" - as Mikefrombama calls it). PLEASE bookmark her site, visit often, make comments, and enjoy...