Step It Up and Dance winner - and a Hottie who I've passed on the street - Cody Green (below right - both pics) will be appearing in the Broadway revival of West Side Story. See more pictures of the hot cast from Just Jared HERE.
Showing posts with label Step It Up and Dance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Step It Up and Dance. Show all posts
Monday, December 29, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Step It Up and Dance - Finale - "Too Much About Miguel"
Recap written by our Darling Joy.
David asked me to send him a recap of Shut Up & Dance, which is daunting since no one writes as engagingly and hilariously as our Dust Bunny Leader (DBL). That’s just one of the many reasons we love him. Anyway, here goes.
Last time I said I couldn’t quit Cody and Mochi, which turned out to be prophetic, didn’t it? I just wish I could have been right about the finalists of Top Chef, but it didn’t happen. 91% of us are still upset. What’s wrong with that 9%? Redneck lesbies?
This time on SU&D, Cody reflects on the criticism he got last week about being “snobby” which he took issue with and “cold” which he warmed up to. He said it was tough and he felt beat up but will have to give more. Nick cooked breakfast for all of them. Ah yes, a man who cooks! My unrealized dream.
Elizabeth and Jerry met them in the studio where Jerry will work with each of them for 30 minutes. They are ecstatic!
Nick wants to be that guy ready for competition and not be “that guy that people were like dude why didn’t he get his act together – he had time.” He leapt and danced; then Jerry asked him to tell him about the story, which is about someone making a guy dance. (Aha, the kryptonite theme is alive and well) Jerry helped Nick let the humor come through since that’s his thing. Nick is happy.
Mochi is doing “an Asian-themed dance about the Samurai warrior ritual-like sparring session with self” in what looks like a pair of blue cotton panties similar to men’s jockeys. This might be what inspired Jerry to ask what she was going to wear. He sounded almost like Tim Gunn then. Jerry nixed the kimono that someone from The Lion King gave her to wear. They decided there was a place in the dance where she could remove it and look like the true warrior she is. OK, I could see that, but I hope she doesn’t wear those blue tighties.
Fugly Miguel thinks he’s Superman? Right. “This solo is my forte! Choreography is my forte!” He is so full of it. If Superman had pranced like that, he’d have been with LOUIS Lane. At one time, Jerry said Fugly’s pointing would never be completely straight. No commentary necessary here.
Cute Cody is technically perfect and brilliant, and Jerry gave suggestions that helped and made Cody want to work with him in the near future. Cody believes that he connects with this music and will show emotion. I believe many will want to connect with Cody and will also show emotion.
Surprise! An opening number has been added! Keith and Sharon Young created a choreography to Fergie’s “Labels or Love” from Sex and the City – four friends, fashion, music, the joy of living in New York, according to Keith. They’ll be judged on their solo performance and this new dance. Nick said they are in Grand Finale Purgatory. Mochi decided Keith and Sharon were so positive that it was “just what we needed.” Nick still bitches about it. He does not like surprises.
OMG, Fugly broke it down for us and assigned characters to each of them from SATC, and I quote. “Mochi is Miranda, especially with THAT haircut. Cody is totally Charlotte because he’s so like prim and proper and like I’m Canadian like we do nothing wrong. Nick is totally Samantha, like a male slut, right?” And of course he thinks he is Carrie and says, “I’m all curly hair. Fashion forward. Never has a man. I AM Carrie Bradshaw!” She had many men. And don’t even try to compare your hair to SJP’s! [ed. comment: Fugly Betty DOES have that horse-face thing going for him – DD]
David asked me to send him a recap of Shut Up & Dance, which is daunting since no one writes as engagingly and hilariously as our Dust Bunny Leader (DBL). That’s just one of the many reasons we love him. Anyway, here goes.
Last time I said I couldn’t quit Cody and Mochi, which turned out to be prophetic, didn’t it? I just wish I could have been right about the finalists of Top Chef, but it didn’t happen. 91% of us are still upset. What’s wrong with that 9%? Redneck lesbies?
This time on SU&D, Cody reflects on the criticism he got last week about being “snobby” which he took issue with and “cold” which he warmed up to. He said it was tough and he felt beat up but will have to give more. Nick cooked breakfast for all of them. Ah yes, a man who cooks! My unrealized dream.
Elizabeth and Jerry met them in the studio where Jerry will work with each of them for 30 minutes. They are ecstatic!
Nick wants to be that guy ready for competition and not be “that guy that people were like dude why didn’t he get his act together – he had time.” He leapt and danced; then Jerry asked him to tell him about the story, which is about someone making a guy dance. (Aha, the kryptonite theme is alive and well) Jerry helped Nick let the humor come through since that’s his thing. Nick is happy.
Mochi is doing “an Asian-themed dance about the Samurai warrior ritual-like sparring session with self” in what looks like a pair of blue cotton panties similar to men’s jockeys. This might be what inspired Jerry to ask what she was going to wear. He sounded almost like Tim Gunn then. Jerry nixed the kimono that someone from The Lion King gave her to wear. They decided there was a place in the dance where she could remove it and look like the true warrior she is. OK, I could see that, but I hope she doesn’t wear those blue tighties.
Fugly Miguel thinks he’s Superman? Right. “This solo is my forte! Choreography is my forte!” He is so full of it. If Superman had pranced like that, he’d have been with LOUIS Lane. At one time, Jerry said Fugly’s pointing would never be completely straight. No commentary necessary here.
Cute Cody is technically perfect and brilliant, and Jerry gave suggestions that helped and made Cody want to work with him in the near future. Cody believes that he connects with this music and will show emotion. I believe many will want to connect with Cody and will also show emotion.
Surprise! An opening number has been added! Keith and Sharon Young created a choreography to Fergie’s “Labels or Love” from Sex and the City – four friends, fashion, music, the joy of living in New York, according to Keith. They’ll be judged on their solo performance and this new dance. Nick said they are in Grand Finale Purgatory. Mochi decided Keith and Sharon were so positive that it was “just what we needed.” Nick still bitches about it. He does not like surprises.
OMG, Fugly broke it down for us and assigned characters to each of them from SATC, and I quote. “Mochi is Miranda, especially with THAT haircut. Cody is totally Charlotte because he’s so like prim and proper and like I’m Canadian like we do nothing wrong. Nick is totally Samantha, like a male slut, right?” And of course he thinks he is Carrie and says, “I’m all curly hair. Fashion forward. Never has a man. I AM Carrie Bradshaw!” She had many men. And don’t even try to compare your hair to SJP’s! [ed. comment: Fugly Betty DOES have that horse-face thing going for him – DD]
As a punishment for being grandiose, Superman came down from a jump wrong and hurt his ankle. Cody taped it for him and said he needs to go to the hospital. Cody has obviously suffered and knows how to tape. Later, a humbled Miguel hobbled back on crutches to the apartment. The doctor told him to stay off of it for a week. Nick has no idea what will happen to their partnering part in the new dance. “I guess I’ll have to go solo. Oh, Geez!” Man up, Nick. We don’t like Fugly, but it isn’t always about you.
Ah, the dilemma of Fugly Miguel! To dance and possibly ruin his career or to stay off of it and lose the competition when he might not win the $100K anyway. You think? He and Jerry have a heart-to-heart with hugs and tears. Very sweet.
Nick still has his eye focused on the prize but won’t let it consume him. Mochi still has those reddish streaks in her hair. Miguel needs shampoo. Cody and Nick give Miguel a pep talk if you can call it that. Cody said it depends on his “comfortability” with it (most of us just say comfort), and Nick said if M falls down and goes boom, they’ll keep on dancing and leave his ass on the stage. Have we seen this side of Nick before? He might be one of those bitter Americans Obama mentioned but for different reasons.
OMG! Mary Murphy, that woman with all the teeth who is a judge on So You Think You Can Dance, is in the audience! I hope she doesn’t laugh. Have you heard it? Cackling doesn’t even come close to describing it.
Jerry announced another surprise! Nick said if it’s a twist, he’s going to clothesline Jerry’s ass. But no! It’s their families. Hugs and kisses all around. Fugly is beside himself! He resembles his mama (same teeth) and will risk dancing on his strained ankle. Ever compassionate, Miguel thinks of how the other dancers, who do not dance as well as he does, would feel knowing they won without him in the competition. Obviously, his newly-discovered humility was instantaneous. Miguel is definitely getting too much attention in this episode and upstaging the others in the same way you have to look at a wreck when you drive by one.
Performance time! Big introduction! Many of the original dancetestants are in the audience along with other dancers and choreographers. Judges are the regulars, Vincent and Nancy, along with Keith Young and “music sensation and hit maker” Akon, who introduced his new protégée Colby O’Donis. The winner of the group dance will be featured in Colby’s new video Akon is producing. I have no idea who they are, but they’re getting publicity.
The group dance was great, and the audience was given an intermission and dancetestants sent upstage while the judges discussed. Keith thought they all did well but that Mochi ruled the roost. Akon said that Mochi worked the guys, and Colby agreed that she was the center of attention which is very good in a male singer’s video. They think she’s hot. Foreshadowing? Yep! Akon picked Mochi. We could see that coming.
In her final performance, Mochi did her Samurai dance. She’s wearing what looks like an indigo one-piece swimsuit and loses the kimono at the right time. Even I could tell it was a powerful performance. Miguel dances like his ankle doesn’t hurt. (cortisone shot?) I’m not seeing Superman in his performance, but it is really good. Ack! As if looking at Fugly weren’t bad enough, the cameras went to that toothy choreographer. I will be sick. Cody dances amazingly again and was more emotional, I guess. He looked at the audience a few times and smiled and looked pensive once. They said last week several close people to him have died and there was more tragedy I can’t remember. Wow! Nick came out like gangbusters and rocked it. He seemed happy and enthusiastic. Cody’s and Mochi’s dances were my faves. Papi Michael turned around in his seat searching for you, David. [ed. comment: I saw that part! – DD]
The judges were thrilled with all of them and let them have last words. Miguel thanked them for helping him become a stronger man and dancer. Mochi wanted to take us on a journey, claim her own destiny, and left her heart on the stage. Cody told them how hard it was to hear their criticism last week, but Nancy said she was glad he was pissed off because otherwise they might not have seen what he did tonight on the stage. Nick was glad he got his love of dancing back. I’m glad this season is over.
The judges discussed among themselves. Vincent thought Cody’s almost perfect technique has been a handicap because he wanted to know what else is there. Nancy thought he was strong and fired up. Vincent said Miguel is a monster which he means in the best way. What is that exactly? Ah, the freedom to show his passion and radiate. Yeah, radiate. They compared Nick to Gene Kelly and Nancy described him as one of her favorite dorks. Vincent said Mochi is like an exotic bird who told a story with power, grace, and elegance. They loved it.
Cody won! Why? Because he showed passion, jubilation, and an explosive technique. Cody has a cute girlfriend he kissed many times until he looked down and saw his mark on the stage and had a moment. Partly because the mark was shaped like a T, he thought about his best friend and dad’s partner Tulah (sounded like that) who passed away. Now I’m curious. Vincent has a point. Cody said somehow it helped him feel OK with what had happened. Then he said that even though we don’t want to show emotions at the time that it’s best to get them out, and dancing is his way to do it. I guess I should start dancing.
Ah, the dilemma of Fugly Miguel! To dance and possibly ruin his career or to stay off of it and lose the competition when he might not win the $100K anyway. You think? He and Jerry have a heart-to-heart with hugs and tears. Very sweet.
Nick still has his eye focused on the prize but won’t let it consume him. Mochi still has those reddish streaks in her hair. Miguel needs shampoo. Cody and Nick give Miguel a pep talk if you can call it that. Cody said it depends on his “comfortability” with it (most of us just say comfort), and Nick said if M falls down and goes boom, they’ll keep on dancing and leave his ass on the stage. Have we seen this side of Nick before? He might be one of those bitter Americans Obama mentioned but for different reasons.
OMG! Mary Murphy, that woman with all the teeth who is a judge on So You Think You Can Dance, is in the audience! I hope she doesn’t laugh. Have you heard it? Cackling doesn’t even come close to describing it.
Jerry announced another surprise! Nick said if it’s a twist, he’s going to clothesline Jerry’s ass. But no! It’s their families. Hugs and kisses all around. Fugly is beside himself! He resembles his mama (same teeth) and will risk dancing on his strained ankle. Ever compassionate, Miguel thinks of how the other dancers, who do not dance as well as he does, would feel knowing they won without him in the competition. Obviously, his newly-discovered humility was instantaneous. Miguel is definitely getting too much attention in this episode and upstaging the others in the same way you have to look at a wreck when you drive by one.
Performance time! Big introduction! Many of the original dancetestants are in the audience along with other dancers and choreographers. Judges are the regulars, Vincent and Nancy, along with Keith Young and “music sensation and hit maker” Akon, who introduced his new protégée Colby O’Donis. The winner of the group dance will be featured in Colby’s new video Akon is producing. I have no idea who they are, but they’re getting publicity.
The group dance was great, and the audience was given an intermission and dancetestants sent upstage while the judges discussed. Keith thought they all did well but that Mochi ruled the roost. Akon said that Mochi worked the guys, and Colby agreed that she was the center of attention which is very good in a male singer’s video. They think she’s hot. Foreshadowing? Yep! Akon picked Mochi. We could see that coming.
In her final performance, Mochi did her Samurai dance. She’s wearing what looks like an indigo one-piece swimsuit and loses the kimono at the right time. Even I could tell it was a powerful performance. Miguel dances like his ankle doesn’t hurt. (cortisone shot?) I’m not seeing Superman in his performance, but it is really good. Ack! As if looking at Fugly weren’t bad enough, the cameras went to that toothy choreographer. I will be sick. Cody dances amazingly again and was more emotional, I guess. He looked at the audience a few times and smiled and looked pensive once. They said last week several close people to him have died and there was more tragedy I can’t remember. Wow! Nick came out like gangbusters and rocked it. He seemed happy and enthusiastic. Cody’s and Mochi’s dances were my faves. Papi Michael turned around in his seat searching for you, David. [ed. comment: I saw that part! – DD]
The judges were thrilled with all of them and let them have last words. Miguel thanked them for helping him become a stronger man and dancer. Mochi wanted to take us on a journey, claim her own destiny, and left her heart on the stage. Cody told them how hard it was to hear their criticism last week, but Nancy said she was glad he was pissed off because otherwise they might not have seen what he did tonight on the stage. Nick was glad he got his love of dancing back. I’m glad this season is over.
The judges discussed among themselves. Vincent thought Cody’s almost perfect technique has been a handicap because he wanted to know what else is there. Nancy thought he was strong and fired up. Vincent said Miguel is a monster which he means in the best way. What is that exactly? Ah, the freedom to show his passion and radiate. Yeah, radiate. They compared Nick to Gene Kelly and Nancy described him as one of her favorite dorks. Vincent said Mochi is like an exotic bird who told a story with power, grace, and elegance. They loved it.
Cody won! Why? Because he showed passion, jubilation, and an explosive technique. Cody has a cute girlfriend he kissed many times until he looked down and saw his mark on the stage and had a moment. Partly because the mark was shaped like a T, he thought about his best friend and dad’s partner Tulah (sounded like that) who passed away. Now I’m curious. Vincent has a point. Cody said somehow it helped him feel OK with what had happened. Then he said that even though we don’t want to show emotions at the time that it’s best to get them out, and dancing is his way to do it. I guess I should start dancing.
Thanks SO MUCH to Joy for this GREAT recap. Please feel free to discuss the show in the comments. And PLEASE thank Joy for her efforts!
P.S. - Laura K. (from BPR) met Oscar, Cody, Mochi, and Nick at the A-List awards! She said they were VERY, VERY, nice - and gladly posed for pictures. And Bravo should know that they SWORE up and down to her that they had NO idea who the winner was. So unless they filmed FOUR separate endings, those dancers are also pretty good actors!
Love ya Joy...Love ya Laura...Love your hair!!!!
XOXO
Friday, May 30, 2008
Step It Up and Dance - Episode Nine - Janelle Exits, Stage Right
Again, I didn't see it, but apparently Janelle went home last night on Step It Up and Dance (or Shut Up and Dance, as some of you like to call it). That leaves Cute Cody, Mochi, Straight Nick, and Fugly Betty Miguel in the Finale.
Did anybody see it? Any thoughts? Maybe when Joy gets back from her trip, she'll have a few words for us, like before (please?!?). Feel free to discuss in the comments.
I am making my Fugly Betty voodoo doll as we speak...
Friday, May 23, 2008
Step It Up and Dance - Episode 8 - Dancing In The Rain
Last night Oscar got sent home AGAIN. I didn't see the show, so how did Cody do? Did anyone stab Fugly Betty Miguel yet? Did Sexy Papi Michael return, only to be snubbed and sent back into my waiting arms - AGAIN? It's YOUR turn to discuss...
Check out the Bravo photo gallery here.
UPDATE: Our darling Joy gives us a quick and cute recap in the comments section. PLEASE check it out and tell her how fabulous she is. And check out her blog here.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Regarding Step It Up and Dance, and Blogging...
I wanted to let you all know that I will no longer be recapping Step It Up and Dance. Let me explain why:
My “real” job is suffering due to my constant blogging. I have not been spending as much time as I should on my day job – let alone my part-time night job. I have been doing sloppy and half-assed work lately, and putting my jobs aside to blog. My day job has to be my number one priority – without it I am screwed. One of the ways I can shave off some blogging time is by eliminating SIUaD recapping.
My “personal life” (such as it is) is suffering. I am at my heaviest weight EVER – and I haven’t been to the gym in months. It is not healthy for me to be 40 years old and “morbidly obese” – and it’s definitely NOT cute. In addition, my 15-year-old cat is sick (she was rushed to the vet last night) and needs my attention.
Lastly, the time it takes for me to do a proper recap just isn’t justified on this show. My Top Chef recaps take me anywhere from 5-8 hours total – that’s viewing, note-taking, and writing. Let’s face it, Step It Up and Dance is a HORRIBLE show – and isn’t worth 8 hours of my time. Furthermore, recapping Top Chef is still fun and entertaining for me – SIUaD has become a burden. I’m not going to force myself to do something I don’t want to do – blogging is supposed to be fun for me. And the SIUaD recaps have become NOT fun.
My “real” job is suffering due to my constant blogging. I have not been spending as much time as I should on my day job – let alone my part-time night job. I have been doing sloppy and half-assed work lately, and putting my jobs aside to blog. My day job has to be my number one priority – without it I am screwed. One of the ways I can shave off some blogging time is by eliminating SIUaD recapping.
My “personal life” (such as it is) is suffering. I am at my heaviest weight EVER – and I haven’t been to the gym in months. It is not healthy for me to be 40 years old and “morbidly obese” – and it’s definitely NOT cute. In addition, my 15-year-old cat is sick (she was rushed to the vet last night) and needs my attention.
Lastly, the time it takes for me to do a proper recap just isn’t justified on this show. My Top Chef recaps take me anywhere from 5-8 hours total – that’s viewing, note-taking, and writing. Let’s face it, Step It Up and Dance is a HORRIBLE show – and isn’t worth 8 hours of my time. Furthermore, recapping Top Chef is still fun and entertaining for me – SIUaD has become a burden. I’m not going to force myself to do something I don’t want to do – blogging is supposed to be fun for me. And the SIUaD recaps have become NOT fun.
What I COULD do is put up a Step It Up and Dance discussion post on Friday mornings, and let YOU discuss the show in the comments. I LOVE it when you all talk to each other - and I always beam with pride that my Dust Bunnies are so smart and funny. I'll give it a shot on Friday and see what happens.
I guess I just have to improve my time management skills. I LOVE blogging, I LOVE my blog, and I REALLY LOVE my Dust Bunnies – that’s not going to change. What may change is having fewer daily posts, and possibly not answering every single comment and email I receive. But I promise to continue putting out an entertaining blog – and doing what I can to improve David Dust without screwing up the rest of my life.
Thanks for listening...
XOXOXO
David
Thanks for listening...
XOXOXO
David
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Step It Up and Dance - Episode Five - The DAMN Recap
Last time on Step It Up and Dance, Tovah got Stomped and sent home, and Fugly Miguel won the challenge and immunity. Read my last recap here.
First of all, you need to know how close we were to NOT having a recap this week. I was working on Thursday night, so I didn't get to see the show during its regular time slot. Normally I just catch a couple of episodes over the weekend, and then write my recap on Sunday or Monday.
Well, the ONLY showing this weekend was Saturday at 9:00 friggin' AM! Remember folks, I don't own a Tivo/DVR - or even a working VCR - so I MUST watch these shows when they are broadcast, or I'll miss them. So I SET MY ALARM for Saturday morning – the day that I normally sleep in – and when it went off all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. Luckily, the love I have for my Dust Bunnies prevailed and I turned on the TV, grabbed a pen, and took some notes. Even if only five of you actually read my SIUaD posts…
The show opens in the Dancer's Apartment, where straight Nick is lamenting the loss of Tovah's "feminine touch". I wonder just how much touching was going on between those two? I guess when you're the only straight dude in a house full of fags, even the prettiest girl will give you a piece.
The dancetestants go to the Step It Up and Dance studio, and are greeted by mentor Jerry Mitchell. He mysteriously tells them that their next challenge lies beyond a set of closed doors. I just hope when these doors open we don't see female professional wrestlers … Bravo already did that on Project Runway. And I am NOT hungry for Tranny Ice Cream.
The doors open to reveal…Jason Alexander!… Wait, Jason Alexander? George Costanza?!? Maybe they will be doing a Festivus holiday dance. Or maybe Elaine will come out and REALLY teach these bitches how to bust a move! If you're unfamiliar with Seinfeld, you will have NO IDEA what I just said. And you are a LOSER because Seinfeld was the funniest show EVER
Speaking of Seinfeld, Janelle wonders what the challenge might be - and she hopes the winner will get to appear on a FUTURE episode of the show. Unfortunately, the last Seinfeld episode aired in 1998. Janelle is a obviously a LOSER (see above paragraph) and a DUMBASS.
"Broadway" is the theme of this week's challenge. Jason Alexander, a Broadway veteran, just finished producing a (non NYC) run of Damn Yankees - along with his Damn Choreographer - Lee Martino. Jerry mentions that he and Jason worked together on Jerome Robbins Broadway, for which Jason won a Tony award. What Jerry does NOT mention was that although Jason was one of the stars of the show, Jerry was a measly Assistant to the Choreographer. And this all happened way back in 1989. But apparently it's still on Jerry's résumé.
During the Audition Challenge, Lee will guide them through the "Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO" routine from Damn Yankees. The Damn dancers will then be separated into a Damn Winning Group, and a Damn Craptastic Group. One of the Craptastics will be going back to their Damn home at the end of the show.
George Costanza tells us that the "Shoeless Joe" number was originally done as a country "hoedown" - but he has changed it into an "80's Funk" dance number. Which would make it more about the "Ho" than the "down", I guess. But what in HELL does George Costanza know about 80's Funk and dancing? He's giving me a weird vibe and I start wondering if Jason Alexander is secretly a “Friend of Dorothy” … you know … a “Hershey Highwayman” … a “Receiver of Swollen Goods” … you know … GAY(!). Not that there's anything wrong with that. But he IS using the word "fabulous" a lot…
Anywhoo, the dancetestants learn the routine, with solidly-built Lee Martino standing at the front and barking commands. It annoys me when chubby Choreographers teach dancers how to dance - without actually moving themselves. I don't know why - but this upsets me. Miss ChubbyLee is just DESCRIBING the various dance moves - with minimal motion on her part. I would be all like: "Bitch, no I DON'T know what a triple-kick combination is! Why don't you get the Twinkie out of your DAMN mouth and SHOW ME!" Thank God I’m not a dancer.
We get the various reactions from the dancers on this Damn challenge. Nick (as always) bitches about how "fast" it is. He likes to take his time and do it right … which is probably why Tovah gave it up. Oscar has done West Side Story and Cats (in someplace like Pittsburgh or Akron) so this should be a piece of cake for him. Cody was in Grease, and Mochi was in Lion King (in NYC - NOT Pittsburgh) - so this is also right up their alley.
The rest of these bitches are pretty clueless. Hip Hop Janelle doesn't know Damn Yankees from Daddy Yankee and Fugly Betty (Miguel) has immunity so he's not gonna try too hard. And my poor Sexy Papi Michael is totally worn-out. Actually, pretty much EVERYONE has danced to the point of exhaustion - except for Choreographer ChubbyLee. She takes a cupcake break while the dancetestants silently wish she would choke and die…
It's time for former Assistant to the Choreographer (and current Mentor) Jerry to rally his troops. He asks them: "Are you tired?". They all nod their heads "yes" - because they're still gasping for breath. "It shows!", Jerry replies curtly.
Jerry reminds the dancetestants that when little old ladies from Connecticut or New Jersey spend $120 to see a Broadway show, they expect some pep in your Damn step. Jerry explains that when a dancer has NOTHING left, THAT's when they will be expected to dance even harder. Furthermore, he tells them that they have to want to dance or DIE. Well, if Chubby Lee keeps this rigorous routine up, some up these bitches WILL end up dead. I just hope it's Fugly Betty.
Jerry's encouraging words pushes Janelle to work even harder. But Fugly Betty Miguel is "fucking rusty" and he's "embarrassing" himself (his face would embarrass me). Cute Cody has hit his Broadway groove, but Oscar?…not so much. Even Oscar’s starring roll in the Topeka production of Cats isn't helping him right now.
Sexy Papi Michael is also having trouble. But like any Latino go-go boy who ever tried to get a dollar bill out of me, he decides to "smile when all else fails and hopefully it pulls you through". Or, in the case of the go-go boys, smile and "hopefully he pulls out his wallet". And it works every time!
It's time to separate the Damn Winners from the Damn Losers. Winning Team: Broadway veterans Mochi and Cody, and the extremely lucky Nick and Janelle.
So that means Team Craptastic is made up of Oscar, Sexy Papi Michael, and Fugly Betty. But since Fugly Betty Miguel has immunity, either Michael or Oscar will be going home tonight. Word to the judges: DON'T MAKE ME BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS!
The Damn Winners will pair up and do the "Whatever Lola Wants" number from Damn Yankees. This is the scene where the Devil’s helper, Lola, is trying to seduce baseball player Joe Hardy. The Damn pairs will be as follows: Janelle seducing Nick, and Mochi seducing Cody.
Nick is worried because Janelle says she hasn’t “partnered” a lot and doesn’t have a lot of experience. But isn’t that what ALL girls say?!? Mochi, on the other hand, has a bunch of experience – however it is mostly playing ANIMALS onstage in the Lion King. She is happy to “get to be a woman” during this routine. In other word, she’s putting the “Ho” in this Hoedown!
Back in the Loser’s Lounge, Fugly Betty and Oscar are being catty and predicting the eventual winner. Fugly Miguel is confident that Cody will win, saying “he could pick his nose” and the judges would give a standing ovation. It’s obvious that Fugly Betty has a problem with the cute boys, which I guess happens when you got a mug that looks like his.
Speaking of Team Craptastic, it is time for their rehearsal. They will be performing the “Two Lost Souls” number from Damn Yankees – which is all about being in hell. Having to look at Fugly Betty’s face would convince me that I’m already there. Miguel does his usual complaining about Sexy Papi Michael – saying he “has no technique” – but Oscar is an “amazing dancer”. From what I’m seeing right now, none of the Craptastics is doing very well.
Sexy Papi Michael realizes that this style of dancing is much more technical than hip hop, but he also realizes his look/style/aesthetic is “naturally masculine” as opposed to the more feminine Oscar. Papi decides to use his masculine wiles to win this challenge, the same way those Latino go-go boys win the David Dollar Bill Challenge … Butch it up, smile pretty, and keep shaking that booty until you win. And they ALWAYS win.
Team Craptastic actually finishes up a little early because Michael isn’t feeling well. Back in the lounge, he is half talking to himself about how high his blood pressure is and how he would rather go home that damage his health. Well Good Lord – you would have thought he farted in the other dancetestant’s mouths! Fugly Betty starts bitching about how Mike likes to dramatize and victimize himself so he can eventually “be a hero”. Oscar thinks Michael is putting on an act because he’s afraid he might be going home. Even Janelle pretty much tells him not to let the door hit him in the pretty little ass on his way out. These are some evil bitches and I’m ready to post a Chris Crocker-esque video on YouTube entitled “LEAVE SEXY PAPI ALONE!!!!!!”.
The next morning opens with Nick sarcastically saying “I love the smell of elimination in the morning”. Especially when there’s no chance it will be HIM. Even Cody is talking about Oscar’s skill advantage over Michael. But all this hatin’ ain’t bringing my Baby down. He is literally practicing his moves at the breakfast table (alone), and again on the couch. He recognizes the “alliance” against him – but it’s not bothering him. Oscar, in a one-on-one interview, says about Michael “SHE is a little Diva. Did I say ‘she’? Oh My God! Yes. ‘She’ – I was right”. Dancers are mean!
At the Step It Up and Dance Stage, we meet the judges: Elizabeth Berkely, Vincent Paterson, Nancy “Oh Meany” O’Meara, and ChubbyLee Martino. Jason Alexander is also there – but not as a judge. Apparently his function is to tell everyone they “look fabulous” and I’m SO convince he’s a big Butt Pirate.
The Damn Winners are first. Nick and Janelle do the “Lola” routine, and I’m sure Gwen Verdon (the original Lola) just rolled in her grave. Not cute. Cody and Mochi, on the other hand, are pretty Damn good.
It’s time to judge the Damn Winners. George Costanza congratulates the gals for “staying in their outfits” and now I KNOW he’s gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Mochi: Vincent thought she “glistened". He also thought she was “scintillating”. Mochi said this was very “yummy” for her. Are we still talking about dancing, or did I change to the Playboy Channel by mistake?
Nick: ChubbyLee says he needs to “let loose” and Nancy “needs more” from him, and he needs to not be “so vanilla”. ChubbyLee agrees, saying he should be more chocolate… Get it?!? She’s fat!! And likes CHOCOLATE!!! No?? Okay, nevermind…
Janelle: All the judges note her lack of technique, as opposed to Mochi. Big Gay George Costanza wanted her to “show the love”. What a queen!
Cody: Nancy calls him “hot stuff”. Vincent calls him the “Lone Ranger”, which I’m sure is just one of his creepy queen fantasies. ChubbyLee said he had a solid grasp of the material. But then Jason Alexander says “As a staunch HETERO, it was hard to take my eyes off you”. Yeah, and then he left the theater and went home to his “roommate”. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Elizabeth gives us the statement she gives EACH week during the final judging: “OK you guys, this is really hard” – and I’m sure HETERO Jason has used that exact same phrase on more than one occasion.
After deliberating, Cody got a standing ovation for picking his nose…just as Fugly Betty predicted. Cody is the winner and will have immunity next week.
Time for the Damn Craptastics. Oscar has vowed to give 500% - but once they start it looks like he’s doing about .005%. All three of them are HORRIBLE. ChubbyLee looks like the Big Mac Combo meal she just ate is ready to come back up.
After the shock of this horrible performance wears off, the judges finally say that it was SO bad they will consider letting them do it again. Sexy Papi Michael immediately says HE would LOVE to do it again, but he has been OUTCAST by the other dancers so he can’t speak for them. Lord, does this piss those two bitches OFF! Those bitchy bees are BUZZING backstage … they cannot BELIEVE he would tell the judges of their insufferably bitchy behavior! Note to the bitches: Papi will use a smile, his masculinity, the kitchen sink or WHATEVER THE HELL IT TAKES to win. Kind of like an Sexy Papi version of Hillary Clinton. It may not be right, but EVERYTHING is fair game.
Team Craptastic finally agrees to do it once again – and this time the judges aren’t horrified. In fact, they’re all smiling. Even the DANCERS are smiling. It’s one big phony love-fest and the judges clap wildly when they are finished. Wait, did Cody just pick his nose again?
The three of them line up for judging. Nancy said that none of them were “technically outstanding”, but ChubbyLee said the second time was a much “better run”. Fugly Betty is told to leave the stage since he has immunity.
It’s time for the final judging of Michael and Oscar. Nancy thinks Sexy Papi Michael’s technique is about as “solid as butter”, but he was definitely more “masculine”. Vincent said Oscar was supposed to shine during this Broadway challenge, but he “kept watching Michael”. Back off, creepy Queen!!
In the end, Michael’s masculinity pulls him through, and Oscar is sent home. Michael falls to his knees in gratitude, and I see creepy Vincent get a gleam in his eye. Note to Vincent Patterson, which will summarize and shorten: FOOT, ASS!!
First of all, you need to know how close we were to NOT having a recap this week. I was working on Thursday night, so I didn't get to see the show during its regular time slot. Normally I just catch a couple of episodes over the weekend, and then write my recap on Sunday or Monday.
Well, the ONLY showing this weekend was Saturday at 9:00 friggin' AM! Remember folks, I don't own a Tivo/DVR - or even a working VCR - so I MUST watch these shows when they are broadcast, or I'll miss them. So I SET MY ALARM for Saturday morning – the day that I normally sleep in – and when it went off all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. Luckily, the love I have for my Dust Bunnies prevailed and I turned on the TV, grabbed a pen, and took some notes. Even if only five of you actually read my SIUaD posts…
The show opens in the Dancer's Apartment, where straight Nick is lamenting the loss of Tovah's "feminine touch". I wonder just how much touching was going on between those two? I guess when you're the only straight dude in a house full of fags, even the prettiest girl will give you a piece.
The dancetestants go to the Step It Up and Dance studio, and are greeted by mentor Jerry Mitchell. He mysteriously tells them that their next challenge lies beyond a set of closed doors. I just hope when these doors open we don't see female professional wrestlers … Bravo already did that on Project Runway. And I am NOT hungry for Tranny Ice Cream.
The doors open to reveal…Jason Alexander!… Wait, Jason Alexander? George Costanza?!? Maybe they will be doing a Festivus holiday dance. Or maybe Elaine will come out and REALLY teach these bitches how to bust a move! If you're unfamiliar with Seinfeld, you will have NO IDEA what I just said. And you are a LOSER because Seinfeld was the funniest show EVER
Speaking of Seinfeld, Janelle wonders what the challenge might be - and she hopes the winner will get to appear on a FUTURE episode of the show. Unfortunately, the last Seinfeld episode aired in 1998. Janelle is a obviously a LOSER (see above paragraph) and a DUMBASS.
"Broadway" is the theme of this week's challenge. Jason Alexander, a Broadway veteran, just finished producing a (non NYC) run of Damn Yankees - along with his Damn Choreographer - Lee Martino. Jerry mentions that he and Jason worked together on Jerome Robbins Broadway, for which Jason won a Tony award. What Jerry does NOT mention was that although Jason was one of the stars of the show, Jerry was a measly Assistant to the Choreographer. And this all happened way back in 1989. But apparently it's still on Jerry's résumé.
During the Audition Challenge, Lee will guide them through the "Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO" routine from Damn Yankees. The Damn dancers will then be separated into a Damn Winning Group, and a Damn Craptastic Group. One of the Craptastics will be going back to their Damn home at the end of the show.
George Costanza tells us that the "Shoeless Joe" number was originally done as a country "hoedown" - but he has changed it into an "80's Funk" dance number. Which would make it more about the "Ho" than the "down", I guess. But what in HELL does George Costanza know about 80's Funk and dancing? He's giving me a weird vibe and I start wondering if Jason Alexander is secretly a “Friend of Dorothy” … you know … a “Hershey Highwayman” … a “Receiver of Swollen Goods” … you know … GAY(!). Not that there's anything wrong with that. But he IS using the word "fabulous" a lot…
Anywhoo, the dancetestants learn the routine, with solidly-built Lee Martino standing at the front and barking commands. It annoys me when chubby Choreographers teach dancers how to dance - without actually moving themselves. I don't know why - but this upsets me. Miss ChubbyLee is just DESCRIBING the various dance moves - with minimal motion on her part. I would be all like: "Bitch, no I DON'T know what a triple-kick combination is! Why don't you get the Twinkie out of your DAMN mouth and SHOW ME!" Thank God I’m not a dancer.
We get the various reactions from the dancers on this Damn challenge. Nick (as always) bitches about how "fast" it is. He likes to take his time and do it right … which is probably why Tovah gave it up. Oscar has done West Side Story and Cats (in someplace like Pittsburgh or Akron) so this should be a piece of cake for him. Cody was in Grease, and Mochi was in Lion King (in NYC - NOT Pittsburgh) - so this is also right up their alley.
The rest of these bitches are pretty clueless. Hip Hop Janelle doesn't know Damn Yankees from Daddy Yankee and Fugly Betty (Miguel) has immunity so he's not gonna try too hard. And my poor Sexy Papi Michael is totally worn-out. Actually, pretty much EVERYONE has danced to the point of exhaustion - except for Choreographer ChubbyLee. She takes a cupcake break while the dancetestants silently wish she would choke and die…
It's time for former Assistant to the Choreographer (and current Mentor) Jerry to rally his troops. He asks them: "Are you tired?". They all nod their heads "yes" - because they're still gasping for breath. "It shows!", Jerry replies curtly.
Jerry reminds the dancetestants that when little old ladies from Connecticut or New Jersey spend $120 to see a Broadway show, they expect some pep in your Damn step. Jerry explains that when a dancer has NOTHING left, THAT's when they will be expected to dance even harder. Furthermore, he tells them that they have to want to dance or DIE. Well, if Chubby Lee keeps this rigorous routine up, some up these bitches WILL end up dead. I just hope it's Fugly Betty.
Jerry's encouraging words pushes Janelle to work even harder. But Fugly Betty Miguel is "fucking rusty" and he's "embarrassing" himself (his face would embarrass me). Cute Cody has hit his Broadway groove, but Oscar?…not so much. Even Oscar’s starring roll in the Topeka production of Cats isn't helping him right now.
Sexy Papi Michael is also having trouble. But like any Latino go-go boy who ever tried to get a dollar bill out of me, he decides to "smile when all else fails and hopefully it pulls you through". Or, in the case of the go-go boys, smile and "hopefully he pulls out his wallet". And it works every time!
It's time to separate the Damn Winners from the Damn Losers. Winning Team: Broadway veterans Mochi and Cody, and the extremely lucky Nick and Janelle.
So that means Team Craptastic is made up of Oscar, Sexy Papi Michael, and Fugly Betty. But since Fugly Betty Miguel has immunity, either Michael or Oscar will be going home tonight. Word to the judges: DON'T MAKE ME BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS!
The Damn Winners will pair up and do the "Whatever Lola Wants" number from Damn Yankees. This is the scene where the Devil’s helper, Lola, is trying to seduce baseball player Joe Hardy. The Damn pairs will be as follows: Janelle seducing Nick, and Mochi seducing Cody.
Nick is worried because Janelle says she hasn’t “partnered” a lot and doesn’t have a lot of experience. But isn’t that what ALL girls say?!? Mochi, on the other hand, has a bunch of experience – however it is mostly playing ANIMALS onstage in the Lion King. She is happy to “get to be a woman” during this routine. In other word, she’s putting the “Ho” in this Hoedown!
Back in the Loser’s Lounge, Fugly Betty and Oscar are being catty and predicting the eventual winner. Fugly Miguel is confident that Cody will win, saying “he could pick his nose” and the judges would give a standing ovation. It’s obvious that Fugly Betty has a problem with the cute boys, which I guess happens when you got a mug that looks like his.
Speaking of Team Craptastic, it is time for their rehearsal. They will be performing the “Two Lost Souls” number from Damn Yankees – which is all about being in hell. Having to look at Fugly Betty’s face would convince me that I’m already there. Miguel does his usual complaining about Sexy Papi Michael – saying he “has no technique” – but Oscar is an “amazing dancer”. From what I’m seeing right now, none of the Craptastics is doing very well.
Sexy Papi Michael realizes that this style of dancing is much more technical than hip hop, but he also realizes his look/style/aesthetic is “naturally masculine” as opposed to the more feminine Oscar. Papi decides to use his masculine wiles to win this challenge, the same way those Latino go-go boys win the David Dollar Bill Challenge … Butch it up, smile pretty, and keep shaking that booty until you win. And they ALWAYS win.
Team Craptastic actually finishes up a little early because Michael isn’t feeling well. Back in the lounge, he is half talking to himself about how high his blood pressure is and how he would rather go home that damage his health. Well Good Lord – you would have thought he farted in the other dancetestant’s mouths! Fugly Betty starts bitching about how Mike likes to dramatize and victimize himself so he can eventually “be a hero”. Oscar thinks Michael is putting on an act because he’s afraid he might be going home. Even Janelle pretty much tells him not to let the door hit him in the pretty little ass on his way out. These are some evil bitches and I’m ready to post a Chris Crocker-esque video on YouTube entitled “LEAVE SEXY PAPI ALONE!!!!!!”.
The next morning opens with Nick sarcastically saying “I love the smell of elimination in the morning”. Especially when there’s no chance it will be HIM. Even Cody is talking about Oscar’s skill advantage over Michael. But all this hatin’ ain’t bringing my Baby down. He is literally practicing his moves at the breakfast table (alone), and again on the couch. He recognizes the “alliance” against him – but it’s not bothering him. Oscar, in a one-on-one interview, says about Michael “SHE is a little Diva. Did I say ‘she’? Oh My God! Yes. ‘She’ – I was right”. Dancers are mean!
At the Step It Up and Dance Stage, we meet the judges: Elizabeth Berkely, Vincent Paterson, Nancy “Oh Meany” O’Meara, and ChubbyLee Martino. Jason Alexander is also there – but not as a judge. Apparently his function is to tell everyone they “look fabulous” and I’m SO convince he’s a big Butt Pirate.
The Damn Winners are first. Nick and Janelle do the “Lola” routine, and I’m sure Gwen Verdon (the original Lola) just rolled in her grave. Not cute. Cody and Mochi, on the other hand, are pretty Damn good.
It’s time to judge the Damn Winners. George Costanza congratulates the gals for “staying in their outfits” and now I KNOW he’s gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Mochi: Vincent thought she “glistened". He also thought she was “scintillating”. Mochi said this was very “yummy” for her. Are we still talking about dancing, or did I change to the Playboy Channel by mistake?
Nick: ChubbyLee says he needs to “let loose” and Nancy “needs more” from him, and he needs to not be “so vanilla”. ChubbyLee agrees, saying he should be more chocolate… Get it?!? She’s fat!! And likes CHOCOLATE!!! No?? Okay, nevermind…
Janelle: All the judges note her lack of technique, as opposed to Mochi. Big Gay George Costanza wanted her to “show the love”. What a queen!
Cody: Nancy calls him “hot stuff”. Vincent calls him the “Lone Ranger”, which I’m sure is just one of his creepy queen fantasies. ChubbyLee said he had a solid grasp of the material. But then Jason Alexander says “As a staunch HETERO, it was hard to take my eyes off you”. Yeah, and then he left the theater and went home to his “roommate”. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Elizabeth gives us the statement she gives EACH week during the final judging: “OK you guys, this is really hard” – and I’m sure HETERO Jason has used that exact same phrase on more than one occasion.
After deliberating, Cody got a standing ovation for picking his nose…just as Fugly Betty predicted. Cody is the winner and will have immunity next week.
Time for the Damn Craptastics. Oscar has vowed to give 500% - but once they start it looks like he’s doing about .005%. All three of them are HORRIBLE. ChubbyLee looks like the Big Mac Combo meal she just ate is ready to come back up.
After the shock of this horrible performance wears off, the judges finally say that it was SO bad they will consider letting them do it again. Sexy Papi Michael immediately says HE would LOVE to do it again, but he has been OUTCAST by the other dancers so he can’t speak for them. Lord, does this piss those two bitches OFF! Those bitchy bees are BUZZING backstage … they cannot BELIEVE he would tell the judges of their insufferably bitchy behavior! Note to the bitches: Papi will use a smile, his masculinity, the kitchen sink or WHATEVER THE HELL IT TAKES to win. Kind of like an Sexy Papi version of Hillary Clinton. It may not be right, but EVERYTHING is fair game.
Team Craptastic finally agrees to do it once again – and this time the judges aren’t horrified. In fact, they’re all smiling. Even the DANCERS are smiling. It’s one big phony love-fest and the judges clap wildly when they are finished. Wait, did Cody just pick his nose again?
The three of them line up for judging. Nancy said that none of them were “technically outstanding”, but ChubbyLee said the second time was a much “better run”. Fugly Betty is told to leave the stage since he has immunity.
It’s time for the final judging of Michael and Oscar. Nancy thinks Sexy Papi Michael’s technique is about as “solid as butter”, but he was definitely more “masculine”. Vincent said Oscar was supposed to shine during this Broadway challenge, but he “kept watching Michael”. Back off, creepy Queen!!
In the end, Michael’s masculinity pulls him through, and Oscar is sent home. Michael falls to his knees in gratitude, and I see creepy Vincent get a gleam in his eye. Note to Vincent Patterson, which will summarize and shorten: FOOT, ASS!!
Next week, the dancetestants visit a torture chamber – also known as Vincent Paterson’s “Rumpus Room”. Till then bitches!!!
Monday, April 28, 2008
Step It Up and Dance Thriller Tribute
The Step It Up and Dance dancetestants performed a Thriller tribute during last week's Tribeca Film Festival. Can you pick out who's who? I found my Sexy Papi Michael immediately!
Step It Up and Dance - Episode Four - Tovah gets STOMPED
On the previous episode of Step It Up and Dance, Janelle excelled at hip-hop battling and won immunity – while Jessica “wormed” her way toward elimination. Read my recap here.
This week’s show opens with Miguel bonding with Janelle – even though he previously described her dance style as “white girl at the club”. Note to Miguel: that white girl won, beeyotch – and you didn’t!!. Oscar, Nick, and Tovah (our consistent bottom dwellers) are praying for a non-break dancing, non-hip-hop challenge. They need to remember that this is NOT Dancing with the Stars, which means they probably won’t be doing the Paso Doblé this week.
Everyone heads over to the Step It Up and Dance Theater, where Jerry, Elizabeth and the rest of the crew are preparing for the day’s shoot – and a lone “crew member” is on the stage sweeping. This sweeper is going to town with his broom, sweeping rhythmically – creating a one person broom “symphony”. Suddenly, other people with brooms appear on stage – and it quickly becomes apparent that the musical STOMP is going to be a part of today’s challenge.
For those of you not familiar with Stomp, it is an off-Broadway musical that has been running in NYC since 1994. It is a combination of rhythmic dance, percussion, and comedy – using such non-traditional “instruments” as brooms, trash can lids, and poles. Mama Bunny tells me she wants to see Stomp every time she visits me – but neither of us has seen it yet. One of these days Mom!
Luke Cresswell, the creator of Stomp – is introduced as this week’s guest judge. They plug the Las Vegas version of the show – Stomp Out Loud – which sounds like it should be performed during Gay Pride weekend. Nick, Oscar and Tovah are pissed off that they will be stomping instead of waltzing this week.
The dancetestants will have a two-hour Stomp “crash course” before the Audition Challenge which will separate them into Winning and Elimination groups.
Sexy Papi Michael is “stoked” to work “hands on” with Stomp – and him saying those words makes me break into a cold sweat. Oscar has decided that Stomp is “ground” again (remember, he likes to jump in the air like a wild Gayzelle!) – he never even took tap dance lessons, so he’s screwed. African-American Tovah has lost her rhythm, and so has White Girl at the Club Janelle.
Mean Girl Miguel, on the other hand, is doing great – which really annoys me. He talks about his “natural and amazing sense of rhythm” - which also upsets me, because it happens to be true. He is very much like Project Runway’s Christian – without any shred of likeability. Miguel is also STILL hatin’ on Sexy Papi Michael – saying “Mike sucks”, and Mike is still in the competition “based on luck”. I have one thing to say to Miguel: Don’t make me break my foot off in your ass.
After the Audition Challenge, Luke separates them into Winning and Elimination teams. Miguel, Mochi, and Cute Cody are placed on the winning team, and Janelle (who has immunity), Oscar, and Tovah are put on the Elimination team. They are undecided about Nick and Sexy Papi Michael – so they hold a “Stomp-off” to decide where each will go.
Nick is a trained tap-dancer, but his rhythm “went on vacation” during the Stomp-off. Sexy Papi Michael’s hip-hop training seems to pay off – he does well, although Miguel has to say “Mike’s not a dancer, he’s a wannabe” (remember: MY foot – YOUR ass, beeyotch!). Sweet Michael just hopes that “whatever I did, I hope it moved Luke”. Oh honey, I don’t know about Luke, but you certainly moved ME!
Luke is sufficiently moved – and Michael is put on the Winning Team, and “Mr. NOjangles” Nick (and his vacationing rhythm) is put on the Elimination Team.
The winning team will use trash can lids as their “instruments”. Sexy Papi Michael notes that in regular dance, you have the music to guide you – but in Stomp, you are creating the music AND dancing to it, which is much more difficult. Miguel is eyeballing him and giving him dirty looks every time Mike makes a mistake. Another note to Miguel – I wear a size 11-Wide shoe.
I think I see one of the problems – Miguel is jealous because Sexy Papi Michael is a serious Playa! Papi is TOTALLY hitting on the hottest (male) Stomp dancer (with gorgeous brown skin and bulging biceps) – asking “You Latin?”. The hunky dancer responds that he’s African American Creole with Louisiana roots – which happens to be where Mike’s father is from – and they bond over it. Sexy Papi Michael is hitting on this hot hunk of a man so effortlessly and so naturally, that it’s NO WONDER Miguel is hatin’. Don’t hate the Playa beeyotch, hate the game! And Papi has got SERIOUS game.
It’s now time for the Elimination Team – which Nick refers to as the “Craptastic” group. They are using brooms, which upsets Janelle - who doesn’t sweep (“I use vacuums”). Oscar is setting his sights low and simply hoping to beat Tovah – who is really struggling. Way to reach for the stars, you big Gayzelle!
At the end of the day, everyone returns to the apartments to practice. Since there aren’t enough brooms, Oscar is using Janelle’s vacuum cleaner. Miguel, on the other hand, has decided to simply decorate his boots with a magic marker and lounge around predicting a win. I hate him with every fiber of my being.
The next day everyone returns to the theater. We are introduced to the judges – Vincent Paterson, Nancy O’Meara, and Luke Cresswell. Jerry advises the dancetestants to “go apeshit” but everyone seems nervous. Sexy Papi Michael is “hungry” for immunity, and I am so hungry for Sexy Papi Michael that I would give up Arby’s FOREVER for just one bite!
The Winning group goes first and they are really good. Miguel looks butch with his trash can lids, and I start praying that despite all that sweeping, they somehow missed ONE banana peel for Miguel to slip on.
After the performance, Sexy Papi Michael is truly “stoked”. He says the “lion came out!” (I’ve seen that lion and it’s GORGEOUS!) and Vincent Paterson says he is starting to “see other sides” of Mike and I think that creepy old bastard needs to stay away from my man. Guest judge Luke comments that Michael’s “memory” let him down a few times, but how can Luke expect him to be gorgeous AND smart? I know I don’t…
Nancy O’Meany mentions that Cute Cody had a few “White Boy” moments, but I bet SHE wouldn’t mind a few moments with that white boy. Mochi also gets generally positive reviews.
Miguel is applauded and lauded, and it is determined that Miguel and Sexy Papi Michael are the top two. But evil Miguel prevails, and wins the challenge. He feels “amazing” and “ecstatic” to have immunity, but that’s NOT how he’s going to feel after I get done with that evil beeyotch. Let’s see how how many more challenges Miguel wins with this 11-Wide up his ass!
Time for Team Craptastic’s performance. Nick, Tovah, Oscar and Janelle look terrified – however Janelle has immunity so she will be safe no matter what. They do the “dance of 1000 brooms”, but it doesn’t sweep the judges off their feet. It is CRAPTACULAR!
After the Elimination performance, the judges seem to single out Tovah. Luke says he was “confused” by her performance. Vincent “doesn’t see the hunger” – but does see how “gorgeous” she is. In fact, he suggests she should try out for America’s Next Top Model – where one ALSO must be hungry. Nancy O’Meany says that she “doesn’t see a dancer who will die if she doesn’t dance” and I think Nancy wants Tovah dead for some reason.
Nick laments that when he dances while holding the broom, his feet get jealous of his hands (maybe his hands could go on America’s Next Top Hand Model). Luke says that Nick was actually better than he thought – his rhythm must be back from that vacation. Janelle realizes that the dorky white girl in the club came out today, but she has immunity so it doesn’t really bother her lily-white ass too much.
Oscar was scared. So scared he broke two brooms during the performance (that ground is HARD!). Maybe Vincent should suggest Janitorial School. But Nancy tells him that he is “still my stud muffin!”. Nancy is one twisted sister.
Tovah and Oscar are the bottom two, and the judges decide to let Tyra deal with Tovah’s unhungry ass on America’s Next Top Model – and she is sent home. Tovah begins to cry and hugs Oscar before walking offstage.
During her last dance, Tovah says she does NOT just want to be “a pretty face”, she wants to be a dancer. Unfortunately the judges had other ideas…but at least Nancy didn’t kill her.
This week’s show opens with Miguel bonding with Janelle – even though he previously described her dance style as “white girl at the club”. Note to Miguel: that white girl won, beeyotch – and you didn’t!!. Oscar, Nick, and Tovah (our consistent bottom dwellers) are praying for a non-break dancing, non-hip-hop challenge. They need to remember that this is NOT Dancing with the Stars, which means they probably won’t be doing the Paso Doblé this week.
Everyone heads over to the Step It Up and Dance Theater, where Jerry, Elizabeth and the rest of the crew are preparing for the day’s shoot – and a lone “crew member” is on the stage sweeping. This sweeper is going to town with his broom, sweeping rhythmically – creating a one person broom “symphony”. Suddenly, other people with brooms appear on stage – and it quickly becomes apparent that the musical STOMP is going to be a part of today’s challenge.
For those of you not familiar with Stomp, it is an off-Broadway musical that has been running in NYC since 1994. It is a combination of rhythmic dance, percussion, and comedy – using such non-traditional “instruments” as brooms, trash can lids, and poles. Mama Bunny tells me she wants to see Stomp every time she visits me – but neither of us has seen it yet. One of these days Mom!
Luke Cresswell, the creator of Stomp – is introduced as this week’s guest judge. They plug the Las Vegas version of the show – Stomp Out Loud – which sounds like it should be performed during Gay Pride weekend. Nick, Oscar and Tovah are pissed off that they will be stomping instead of waltzing this week.
The dancetestants will have a two-hour Stomp “crash course” before the Audition Challenge which will separate them into Winning and Elimination groups.
Sexy Papi Michael is “stoked” to work “hands on” with Stomp – and him saying those words makes me break into a cold sweat. Oscar has decided that Stomp is “ground” again (remember, he likes to jump in the air like a wild Gayzelle!) – he never even took tap dance lessons, so he’s screwed. African-American Tovah has lost her rhythm, and so has White Girl at the Club Janelle.
Mean Girl Miguel, on the other hand, is doing great – which really annoys me. He talks about his “natural and amazing sense of rhythm” - which also upsets me, because it happens to be true. He is very much like Project Runway’s Christian – without any shred of likeability. Miguel is also STILL hatin’ on Sexy Papi Michael – saying “Mike sucks”, and Mike is still in the competition “based on luck”. I have one thing to say to Miguel: Don’t make me break my foot off in your ass.
After the Audition Challenge, Luke separates them into Winning and Elimination teams. Miguel, Mochi, and Cute Cody are placed on the winning team, and Janelle (who has immunity), Oscar, and Tovah are put on the Elimination team. They are undecided about Nick and Sexy Papi Michael – so they hold a “Stomp-off” to decide where each will go.
Nick is a trained tap-dancer, but his rhythm “went on vacation” during the Stomp-off. Sexy Papi Michael’s hip-hop training seems to pay off – he does well, although Miguel has to say “Mike’s not a dancer, he’s a wannabe” (remember: MY foot – YOUR ass, beeyotch!). Sweet Michael just hopes that “whatever I did, I hope it moved Luke”. Oh honey, I don’t know about Luke, but you certainly moved ME!
Luke is sufficiently moved – and Michael is put on the Winning Team, and “Mr. NOjangles” Nick (and his vacationing rhythm) is put on the Elimination Team.
The winning team will use trash can lids as their “instruments”. Sexy Papi Michael notes that in regular dance, you have the music to guide you – but in Stomp, you are creating the music AND dancing to it, which is much more difficult. Miguel is eyeballing him and giving him dirty looks every time Mike makes a mistake. Another note to Miguel – I wear a size 11-Wide shoe.
I think I see one of the problems – Miguel is jealous because Sexy Papi Michael is a serious Playa! Papi is TOTALLY hitting on the hottest (male) Stomp dancer (with gorgeous brown skin and bulging biceps) – asking “You Latin?”. The hunky dancer responds that he’s African American Creole with Louisiana roots – which happens to be where Mike’s father is from – and they bond over it. Sexy Papi Michael is hitting on this hot hunk of a man so effortlessly and so naturally, that it’s NO WONDER Miguel is hatin’. Don’t hate the Playa beeyotch, hate the game! And Papi has got SERIOUS game.
It’s now time for the Elimination Team – which Nick refers to as the “Craptastic” group. They are using brooms, which upsets Janelle - who doesn’t sweep (“I use vacuums”). Oscar is setting his sights low and simply hoping to beat Tovah – who is really struggling. Way to reach for the stars, you big Gayzelle!
At the end of the day, everyone returns to the apartments to practice. Since there aren’t enough brooms, Oscar is using Janelle’s vacuum cleaner. Miguel, on the other hand, has decided to simply decorate his boots with a magic marker and lounge around predicting a win. I hate him with every fiber of my being.
The next day everyone returns to the theater. We are introduced to the judges – Vincent Paterson, Nancy O’Meara, and Luke Cresswell. Jerry advises the dancetestants to “go apeshit” but everyone seems nervous. Sexy Papi Michael is “hungry” for immunity, and I am so hungry for Sexy Papi Michael that I would give up Arby’s FOREVER for just one bite!
The Winning group goes first and they are really good. Miguel looks butch with his trash can lids, and I start praying that despite all that sweeping, they somehow missed ONE banana peel for Miguel to slip on.
After the performance, Sexy Papi Michael is truly “stoked”. He says the “lion came out!” (I’ve seen that lion and it’s GORGEOUS!) and Vincent Paterson says he is starting to “see other sides” of Mike and I think that creepy old bastard needs to stay away from my man. Guest judge Luke comments that Michael’s “memory” let him down a few times, but how can Luke expect him to be gorgeous AND smart? I know I don’t…
Nancy O’Meany mentions that Cute Cody had a few “White Boy” moments, but I bet SHE wouldn’t mind a few moments with that white boy. Mochi also gets generally positive reviews.
Miguel is applauded and lauded, and it is determined that Miguel and Sexy Papi Michael are the top two. But evil Miguel prevails, and wins the challenge. He feels “amazing” and “ecstatic” to have immunity, but that’s NOT how he’s going to feel after I get done with that evil beeyotch. Let’s see how how many more challenges Miguel wins with this 11-Wide up his ass!
Time for Team Craptastic’s performance. Nick, Tovah, Oscar and Janelle look terrified – however Janelle has immunity so she will be safe no matter what. They do the “dance of 1000 brooms”, but it doesn’t sweep the judges off their feet. It is CRAPTACULAR!
After the Elimination performance, the judges seem to single out Tovah. Luke says he was “confused” by her performance. Vincent “doesn’t see the hunger” – but does see how “gorgeous” she is. In fact, he suggests she should try out for America’s Next Top Model – where one ALSO must be hungry. Nancy O’Meany says that she “doesn’t see a dancer who will die if she doesn’t dance” and I think Nancy wants Tovah dead for some reason.
Nick laments that when he dances while holding the broom, his feet get jealous of his hands (maybe his hands could go on America’s Next Top Hand Model). Luke says that Nick was actually better than he thought – his rhythm must be back from that vacation. Janelle realizes that the dorky white girl in the club came out today, but she has immunity so it doesn’t really bother her lily-white ass too much.
Oscar was scared. So scared he broke two brooms during the performance (that ground is HARD!). Maybe Vincent should suggest Janitorial School. But Nancy tells him that he is “still my stud muffin!”. Nancy is one twisted sister.
Tovah and Oscar are the bottom two, and the judges decide to let Tyra deal with Tovah’s unhungry ass on America’s Next Top Model – and she is sent home. Tovah begins to cry and hugs Oscar before walking offstage.
During her last dance, Tovah says she does NOT just want to be “a pretty face”, she wants to be a dancer. Unfortunately the judges had other ideas…but at least Nancy didn’t kill her.
Next Episode: Oscar has a Gay(zelle) Italian Meltdown. Till then bitches!!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
"Step It Up and Dance" - Episode Three - "Taking It to the Streets"
Last week on SIUaD, the dancetestants did Pimp/Ho dance routines. Gay James got sent home for not being Pimpalicious, and Oscar won the challenge and got immunity. Read my recap here.
This week’s episode opens with Miguel bitching about losing his “sister” James - and hatin’ on some of the remaining dancers. Of course he singles out Sexy Papi Michael. I seriously would LOVE to know why Miguel has such a problem with “nice guy” Mike. Remind me to ask Miguel that question AFTER I cut him…
Then the Bravo producers ‘throw me a bone’ (so to speak), by giving me a shirtless shot of Sexy Papi Michael ironing his t-shirt. Laundry never looked so good!
Elizabeth Berkely arrives at the dancer apartment bearing coffee and muffins. Sexy Papi Michael - sporting his freshly-pressed T-shirt - asks Elizabeth her thoughts on the performances thus far. Elizabeth gets verklempt - saying she sometimes wants to cry while watching them perform - and then starts actually crying. What a coincidence, I sometimes cry while watching HER. Elizabeth says she “knows what it takes” - because, although not a dancer herself, she DID play a dancer in a movie once. The whole scene is every bit as awkward as the acting on Showgirls.
Elizabeth tells them to get ready for “the streets”. Being a New Yorker, I’m wondering if that means they will be doing rhythmic panhandling, or teaching homeless people how to tango. But unfortunately Elizabeth doesn’t go into detail.
Everyone heads over to the Step It Up and Dance Studio - and mentor Jerry Mitchell is there with this week’s guest choreographer - Dave Scott. Sexy Papi Michael immediately recognizes Mr. Scott as the choreographer from Stomp The Yard, and You Got Served. Apparently this is a GOOD thing…
They are told that this week’s challenge will be a “Street Battle”. Dave Scott and Rob Hoffman, star of the upcoming movie Step Up 2 - The Streets, demonstrate how to battle via “the dance”.
Some of the dancetestants reveal their thoughts on this whole “battle” theme. Nick, who grew up in the suburbs of Houston, has never seen street crews battling before. Janelle is hating on guest judge (and CUTE white boy) Rob Hoffman, because she ALSO auditioned for Step Up 2, but didn’t get the part. Tovah (our African-American ballerina) is nervous, saying that when she does hip hop it looks forced and fake. She will have to keep in mind the wise words of Scary Spice during the first challenge: “You’re Black!!!!”.
After the demonstration, Jerry informs the dancers they will learn a short routine and will also have to do a short freestyle. Dave will pick his top three, who will serve as dance crew “Captains”.
We get the usual dancer moans and groans. Nick and Mochi bitch about the choreography being “too fast” - I guess they’re still waiting for the “waltz” challenge. Jessica is lamenting her lack of hip-hopitude. Oscar doesn’t like the hip hop genre either - it is “ground”, and he likes “to jump” in the air like a gay gazelle (“gayzelle”?).
On the other hand, Canadian Cody is doing well - with Michael noting that “Ballet Boy“ has some break dancing moves. Janelle is excelling at the choreography, although Miguel describes her dance style as “White Girl at the Club”. I want to know when was the last time Miguel was in a club with ANY (real) women? Finally, Sexy Papi Michael is dancing in Timberland boots and sweatpants and I could watch those sweatpants for hours…
It’s time to pick the “Crew Captains” based on their performance. Dave Scott picks Janelle, Cody, and Miguel - upsetting Sexy Papi Michael. Each captain picks their crew - and this is what we get:
Team PapiSweatpants: Janelle/Sexy Papi Michael/Tovah
Team WhiteRiceEggrollOnSide: Cody/Jessica/Mochi
Team NotCuteAtAll: Miguel, Nick, Oscar (who gets picked last due to his “non-grounded” dancing and immunity).
Jerry informs the dancetestants that they will be competing tonight, and will have to come up with two routines and also freestyle for their “battles”.
Team PapiSweatpants goes first. They are “clowning” (making fun of) their competitors during their routine. They spoof Jessica running off stage during the first challenge. They make fun of short Asian Mochi (which seemed a little racist - but at least they didn‘t give themselves “slanty eyes” like Pat Robertson).
Racist!
TeamPapiSweatpants also did a move called the “curtain pull’, which Jerry Mitchell playfully claims they stole from Legally Blond (his current Broadway musical). His only advice to the team: “make it tight”. He’s like a wise, gay Yoda…
Waiting to rehearse, the two other teams are trying to come up with names. Team Cody is the “blue” team, and is trying to think of “blue” names. Annoying Jessica is chewing gum like she’s in Middle School, and suggesting girly names like “Bright Blue” and “Blue Babies”. I’m waiting for Smurf-inspired names to follow. Note to Jessica - this is supposed to be a street battle, not your 8th grade talent show. They finally settle on “Breaking Blue”.
Miguel, Nick and Oscar are the “black” team, and are concentrating on picking a name that doesn’t sound racist. They come up with “BT Slam”, which I think I ordered the last time I was at Denny’s. Mmmmm …… bacon and toast!
Janelle, Michael and Tovah decide on the name “Everest” - which is tall, intimidating, and hard to climb. Hmmmm, where ELSE did I see something this week that was large and intimidating?….
The “Breaking Blue” team dances next. And although Cody cutely reminds everyone: “I’ve never done a street battle, I’m from Canada”, he IS familiar with many of the moves. It turns out that Cody’s mom owned the local dance school while he was growing up, and encouraged Cody to take all different forms of dance. Mama even formed a little Canadian white bread break dancing crew. I can just picture them “battling” all those tough crews from Manitoba and Saskatchewan. Life on the streets is hard - even in Canada. So Cody has decided to dedicate his performance to his mother - and go Canadian “old-school” on they asses!. Yes, I said “THEY asses” - that’s how one speaks when one happens to be on the streets. In Canada.
During Breaking Blue’s rehearsal, Cody does great, Mochi does OK, and Jessica looks HORRIBLE. Jerry no likee, and gives them the totally ineffective advice “you better work”…which is less like Yoda, and more like RuPaul.
BT Slam rehearses last and I‘m getting hungry for pancakes. Miguel is very happy with the “mix” of the team: eccentric Mexican gay man (Miguel), off-the wall Italian diva (Oscar), and the All-American hick (Nick). Miguel says they will use their sense of humor and have a good time.
During the rehearsal, Nick utters my favorite dance instructions EVER: “ …5, 6 … and then pee on ‘em …7, 8 …”. Last week we had an “Apache Dance”, and this week we’re getting a “Pis …” …never mind. I’m not sure everyone is going to “get” their sense of humor.
Jerry seems to likee their routine - squealing “that’s nasty!” (he is SO into water sports!). But then the only advice he gives is for Miguel to wear his cap - because the cap gives the performance “flavor”. Okay, this advice is less like Yoda, less like Rupaul, and more like a Jenny Jones makeover show. He also tells them that everyone will meet at “the special location” in 15 minutes.
The “special location”, it turns out, looks like the set of Michael Jackson’s Beat It video - a graffiti-filled “warehouse” probably also known as “Studio 18-B” at the Universal lot. As they enter the faux-gritty room, they notice a crowd and the judges - this battle will take place in front of an audience.
Elizabeth introduces the judges. Creepy middle-aged guy Vincent Paterson - trying to “keep it real” in a hoodie (and a sport jacket, natch), Nancy “Oh Meany” O’Meara, and the guest judges Dave Scott and Rob Hoffman. It is announced that there will be 2 elimination teams, and one winning team.
First up, Red Everest (Janelle, Michael, Tovah) goes up against BT Slam (Miguel, Nick, Oscar). Sexy Papi Michael and the gang TOTALLY gets in Miguel’s fugly face - doing gay air snaps and vogue moves. Miguel’s snippy response “oh shut up!”. “The Streets” STILL haven’t toughened Miguel up.
BT Slam comes out with a lot of crotch grabbing, - but not much else happens except that Miguel’s “flavorful” hat flies off. In their “head-to-head” freestyle battles, Tovah looks seriously convincing as a tough street bitch, Oscar does some ballerina twirls (what street is that from?: Christopher Street? Castro Street?). Janelle counters with fierce twirls of her own, before falling onto the floor into a full split. And Miguel looks like he is still auditioning for Madonna’s Vogue video, even though it was cast in 1990.
The crowd judges Red Everest to be the winner of the first round.
It is now time for Breaking Blue (Cody, Mochi, and Jessica) to battle BT Slam. Cody does great, Jessica tries (and fails) to do “the worm”, Oscar continued to perform the second act of Swan Lake, and Nick’s best move is giving the other team “the finger”. Breaking Blue wins, and BT Slam is eligible for elimination.
Red Everest and Breaking Blue are doing the final battle to determine the winner. Janelle shows off her vast hip hop skills. Mochi LOOKED like she was from the streets - but didn’t dance that way. Cody really went for it - and for the most part succeeded. Jessica was AWFUL, and looked like she was also doing Swan Lake - with a broken wing.
But the move of the night came from Sexy Papi Michael. In the heat of the “battle”, he goes up to the other team and does a move that can only be described as “pretending to whip it out and pee on his competition”. More water sports - Jerry must be thrilled! Actually, based on Sexy Papi Michaels nude photos, it would be more accurate to say “hauling that big-boy out and hosing down the losers”! O.M.F.G.
The Big Hose (and Ho’s) of Red Everest win the challenge! Back at the Step It Up and Dance main stage, Sexy Papi Michael, Janelle and Tovah line up. The judges thought Tovah looked authentic (she remembered what Scary Spice told her), and all in all it was a great team effort.
The judges are deadlocked between Sexy Papi Michael and Janelle as the winner. Nancy called Michael a “filthy scoundrel”, and you could tell the next time she wanted to see the REAL hose. Vincent compliments Michael saying it was “nice to see your body sing”. Wait … what? … How much of Michael's body did that old queen see?!? Someone get my knife!!!
Janelle is the overall winner - for a combination of great moves and leadership ability. Papi Michael is bummed, but says he is still the champ in his own mind. And also in mine Baby - don’t you ever forget that. Janelle now has immunity for the next challenge.
The six losers line up on stage - and Cody, Miguel, and Oscar (with immunity) are quickly announced to be safe. That leaves Nick, Jessica, and Mochi still onstage - one of them will be going home.
The judges note that Nick kept holding back - he would start something, but then wouldn’t “pull the trigger”. “Shoot me next time”, Nancy says - obviously stealing Vincent’s line. Also, Nick’s only memorable moment was giving the other team the finger.
They also note that Mochi didn’t really stand out, except for her authentic appearance. And Jessica not only lacked hip-hop skills, she didn’t demonstrate basic technical dance skills.
Hard-looking, soft-dancing Mochi is safe and she leaves the stage. That leaves us with Nick and his middle finger, and Messica, er, Jessica.
Jessica, the show is over. It’s time for your last dance. Unsurprisingly, she cries.
Backstage, Sexy Papi Michael gives her a big hug and tells her that she’s an “amazing dancer”. I think he forgot the word “bad” in between “amazing” and “dancer” - but Michael is WAY to nice to be evil like me.
But even MORE evil is Miguel, who says: “I don’t know Jessica enough to say I’ll miss her, but at least I know I won’t get left onstage again”. Ouch.
Next week - STOMP!. Till then bitches!!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Step It Up and Dance - Episode Two - "Pimps Up, Ho's Down"
Last week on Step It Up and Dance (see recap here) - gay "sisters" James and Miguel pronounced themselves the "Mean Girls", Nicole's go-go boots got-got her sent to the hospital, Jessica ran off the stage mid-routine, and Adriana was sent home for lack of dance skills. Oh, and I vowed to cut any bitch who messed with my man, hot Papi Michael Silas.
This week's show opens on a sunny Los Angeles morning with StraightNick and ReallyGayJames in the kitchen. James is wearing nothing but underwear, which understandably bothers Nick. Not because Nick is straight, but because James in nothing but underwear is frightening. When asked to put some clothes on, James "moons" Nick, who now becomes even STRAIGHTER. Nick suddenly has no appetite for bacon and eggs, but he REALLY wants to see some girl-on-girl porn - NOW.
James' gay "sister" (and fellow "Mean Girl") Miguel is still upset about what judge Nancy O'Meara said to him regarding his last performance. "She said my freestyle was a bit on the girly side", Miguel remembers bitterly. However, I don't think he recalled exactly what she said. Judge Nancy (who could give Judge Judy a run for her money) said something more along the lines of: "Listen Mary, if you don't quit swishing and start dancing like someone with a penis - you and your tiara will be on the next bus back to Gayville!!!" Nancy believes in "tough love", obvs.
The dancers receive a note regarding their next challenge. They will be taking a "journey to the underworld", and should dress in “provocative” clothing. James immediately decides he's going to win the challenge "because I'm the sexiest!", and runs to get dressed. He considers wearing a "g-string and fringes", but apparently forgot to pack them. Nick makes a mental note to pick up ADDITIONAL girl-on-girl porn during this "journey to the underworld".
The dancetestants get dressed and head out. They end up at the "King King Club", a local nightclub which does a burlesque show called "L'effleur des Sens". Host Elizabeth Berkley and mentor Jerry Mitchell welcome the competitors, whose gayness has now turned the venue into the "Queen Queen Club".
The first performance of the show was VERY "Cabaret-The-Musical-esque", with lots of slutty and vaguely foreign women kicking up their legs and showing Nick what he's missing. These gals are REALLY sexing it up for the audience. So much so, that Sexy Papi Michael notices how they're "enticing and teasing us", which is EXACTLY what Michael is doing to ME. But wait, why does Michael looks so interested in these Ho's?!? Oh Lord, I'm gonna have to start cutting bitches EARLY this week! But seriously, I thought Michael was gay??!…
After an energetic female dancer performs the "Shimmy" (to a standing ovation), we get the final dance number at the King King Club. It is a bizarre performance, with one man and two woman doing steamy dance moves together which somehow morphs into simulated violence. The women hit the man over the head with a (fake) bottle, knock him down, and proceed to kick the crap out of him. This number was apparently choreographed by Rosie O'Donnell, with music and lyrics by Gloria Steinem.
After the performance, we are introduced to Cati Jean, the creator and choreographer of "L'effleur des Sens". We also meet Carolina Cerisola, a prominent dancer who's worked with Prince, Sting, and Justin Timberlake. Both women will be the guest judges this week.
Cati explains that what they have just witnessed was called an "Apache" dance, which is pronounced "ah-PAHSH" - not "a-PATCH-ee" like the Indian tribe. The Apache is a violent dance which interprets the interaction between a pimp and his prostitute. To give you an example: Bobby Brown's marriage to Whitney Houston was one big Apache Dance. With some crack added in to spice things up a bit.
What I don't understand is - why do they need a whole CATEGORY of dance devoted to pimps and prostitutes? Is that really necessary? It seems just a little SPECIFIC. If they want an inspiration for a new category of dance, they should do one based on my interactions with Time Warner Cable Customer Service. It would be called an "Abunchofincompetentbitches" Dance. THAT would be a showstopper!
Anywhoo, the dancers are told they will have an hour to learn a routine, perform, and then be divided into the usual winning and elimination groups.
The dancers partner up, and some are obviously more comfortable than others. Cody "enjoys doing partner work" (he charges $250 per hour for "full service”). Jessica - after running off the stage during last week's performance - is trying to prove to the rest that she is a good dancer. Sexy Papi Michael is worried about dropping his partner during one of the lifts (don't worry Baby, you couldn't even LIFT me and therefore could never drop me). Miguel doesn't have "a lot of partnering experience" (with that face, I believe him). And James, who calls himself "Supergay 2007", knows his biggest weakness is his "masculinity". Unfortunately he DOESN'T know that it's 2008.
They get separated into two groups:
Group #1: Mochi, Tovah, Cody, Oscar, and StraightNick
Group #2: Jessica, Janelle (who has immunity from last week's win), Papi Michael, and the Mean Girls - James and Miguel.
The twist? They won't reveal which group is the winning group, and which group is the elimination group until later.
Miguel bitches about being stuck on the same team as Jessica again this week. He recalls the last performance, when Jessica ran offstage in the middle of the routine, leaving her partner Miguel high and dry. And apparently Miguel (and some of the others) are not trying to hide their lack of respect for our blond bombshell. Jessica is definitely NOT feeling the love from the other dancetestants.
This lack of love takes its toll on Miss Jessica who begins to cry backstage, and suddenly decides she wants to go home. Jerry, in his role as mentor and gay best friend, rushes to her aid. He tells her she is "tall and gorgeous", and she should "think about that". He conveniently omitted telling her that she was a good dancer, which is similar to describing an ugly girl as having a "nice personality". But Jerry's little pep-talk was enough to get Miss Overwhelmed back on board.
Back at the Step It Up and Dance Studio, the dancetestants gather for one more surprise – each team must create their own choreography in telling their Pimp/Ho story. Jerry advises them to concentrate on the characters more than anything else. They have only 1 ½ hours to create their routine.
Group #1 is first, and Cody immediately morphs into Bob Fosse and takes charge. He starts off by envisioning himself as a pimp “going up to see the prostitutes”, and it sounds like Cody has done this before. Tovah, on the other hand, is a little taken aback by the whole thing. “I’ve never been a prostitute before!” she complains – and is upset that Cody is acting like she should know what to do. And Cody basically shuts down every idea that Nick has. Fosse runs a tight ship!
Time for Group #2. Miguel is complaining that Jessica is “so second grade”, which is so FIRST grade of him. Miguel is channeling Martha Graham, and has turned into Group #2’s choreographer. The story they decide to tell, it turns out, is true to life for Papi Michael – because they are telling the story of someone who can’t decide between the male and female Ho’s. Michael says in real life he is “bisexual” – which he and I have in common. Oh wait, I am BUYsexual, I forgot. Never mind.
Now let me tell you a little something about “Bisexuals”. It’s been my experience that, in men anyway, true bisexuality VERY rarely exists. Someone claiming they are Bi is usually just a short pit stop on their way down the Homo Highway. Once they’ve reached Penisville, they completely forget about ever spending time in Vajayjay City. And they NEVER return.
Or someone could, hypothetically, really be GAY – but not want his family to have to totally deal with it. And say this person comes from a conservative Catholic Latino background, and is getting ready to appear on a dance reality show. And this very attractive Latino dancer doesn’t want to further upset his Catholic Mami and elderly Abuelita, and bring his family complete shame. So on television, this Papi might say he is “Bisexual”. This, of course, is just a theory…
Anywhoo, Miguel/Martha Graham isn’t impressed with Michael’s dancing, saying “Mike thinks he’s an amazing dancer, which is annoying”. I’m sharpening my knife Missy – be careful!!
GayJames’ character, on the other hand, is a straight guy who paid for a female hooker. James needs to be “macho mucho manly” in order to pull this off. I'm sorry, but there is NO WAY he can be convincing in Vajayjay City…
Group #2’s time is up, and Jessica mentions that they never really finished the end of their routine. Back at the apartments, she heads to the Mean Girls pad to try and get some rehearsal time. But unfortunately she has arrived during the cocktail hour, and Miguel and James are having a gay old time sipping wine and being catty. Jessica and Papi Michael FINALLY convince them to rehearse.
In the other apartment, Oscar is wearing nothing but little teeny white short-shorts (what is up with these bitches being naked?). Mochi and Cody ask him to put some clothes on, but Oscar claims it’s all about freedom of expression. Well I want freedom from having to see Oscar’s nipples – what about MY rights?!?
Later, Oscar makes a phone call to his mother in Italy. It turns out she has Liver Cancer, and today is her birthday. This upsets me, because how am I supposed to talk nasty about him now that I know he’s competing for his dying mother?!? Seriously, life isn’t fair…for ME.
It’s Performance Day, and the dancers are getting into wardrobe and makeup. James is putting on his “game face”, which apparently involves lots of mascara. Tovah is complaining about her big boobs – which is NOT a good thing for a ballet dancer. She should have become a stripper, er, GO-GO DANCER (like Nicole) – where “the twins” would have been appreciated.
Jerry reveals which team is which. Group #1 (Cody, Nick, Tovah, Mochi, and Oscar) are the winning team. One of them will win immunity for next week. Group #2 (Michael, Janelle, Jessica, Miguel and James) are on the elimination team – one of them (except immune Janelle) will be going home.
We are introduced to our judges:
Vincent Paterson – who gives off a very “older gentleman picking up trade at the hustler bar” vibe.
Mean Nancy O’Meara – who is waiting to see if Miguel can butch it up.
Cati and Carolina – the guest judges this week.
And finally, Elizabeth Berkley, who is qualified to be a judge in a dance competition because she played a stripper in a movie once.
It’s Showtime. The winning group goes first.
Oscar seems to really shine – practically raping Tovah on stage, and beating up Cody and Nick. He is actually really good, looks VERY butch, and dare I say it – comes across as SEXY on stage. Or maybe I’m just feeling sorry about his Moms.
The judges REALLY likee this performance. Cati had “goose bumps”, Cody “danced like a man”, and Vincent was impressed by everyone but Nick. “I was waiting for it”, Vincent tells Nick – which is the exact same thing he said last night at the hustler bar.
The judges do some more judging, and decide Oscar is the overall winner. He has immunity next week.
Time for Group #2 – the elimination group. Before they go on stage, James is trying to psych himself into “being a man”, and Miguel is still paranoid that Nasty Nancy “thinks I’m a fag”. But Miguel says he is “a lot more versatile than who I sleep with”, and I’m not going to touch that with a ten foot pole.
During the performance, the judges make lemon-sucking faces and shake their heads in disappointment. Onstage, James looks like a queen going shoe shopping – not a man trying to buy some booty. Michael is gorgeous as the Bisexual trying to decide between a man and a woman. Wait, did he just KISS Miguel during the dance number! I WILL cut a bitch!
After they finish, the judges start hatin’. They tell Janelle that if she didn’t have immunity, SHE would be going home – which makes her cry. Apparently she danced like a sloppy prostitute (which I thought was the whole idea). They LOVED Jessica (for a change), and Vincent called her a beautiful “baby gazelle” – but still didn’t say she was a good dancer. And Nancy was happy that Miguel did indeed butch it up.
They tell Michael that he needs to stand out more. Michael explains that he didn’t want to upstage the other dancers, to which Vincent responds that it’s time to stop doing the “I’m a nice guy” routine. Personal note to Michael: this is a competition Papi – we need to win this money so we can start our life together! Get focused!!
The judges do the typical reality show trick and ask the “throw each other under the bus” question: “Who do each of you think should go home?”
James – “Michael” – I WILL cut a bitch.
Miguel – “Mike” – I will cut TWO bitches.
Janelle – “Mike” – More cutting...
Jessica – “Mike”. This shit is getting ridiculous! Jessica will NO LONGER be a beautiful gazelle after all my cutting!
When they ask “nice guy” Michael, he does indeed go the nice guy route and refuses to name someone. Then, just to rub it in, the judges ask him how it feels that the rest of his teammates named HIM as the weakest link. Michael responds by saying, “It hurts, but you gotta keep it moving”, and you “have to have a thick skin” in this business. You tell them Papi!
The judges talk amongst themselves, and discuss the fact that although Michael was named by all his teammates, no one had any SPECIFIC reasons why Michael should go home. They say that Miguel, although butch, was “all over the place”. And James was “too feminine” and broke character – a BIG no-no.
Jessica and Janelle are safe and leave the stage. That leaves Michael and the Mean Girls.
Michael is safe and he responds by saying “thank you” to the judges. See bitches, nice guys don’t necessarily finish last. That leaves the evil gay sisters – one of whom will be going home.
“James, the show is over. It’s time for your last dance.” He hugs his sister Miguel, and exits, stage right. He shoulda wore the g-string and fringes…
This week's show opens on a sunny Los Angeles morning with StraightNick and ReallyGayJames in the kitchen. James is wearing nothing but underwear, which understandably bothers Nick. Not because Nick is straight, but because James in nothing but underwear is frightening. When asked to put some clothes on, James "moons" Nick, who now becomes even STRAIGHTER. Nick suddenly has no appetite for bacon and eggs, but he REALLY wants to see some girl-on-girl porn - NOW.
James' gay "sister" (and fellow "Mean Girl") Miguel is still upset about what judge Nancy O'Meara said to him regarding his last performance. "She said my freestyle was a bit on the girly side", Miguel remembers bitterly. However, I don't think he recalled exactly what she said. Judge Nancy (who could give Judge Judy a run for her money) said something more along the lines of: "Listen Mary, if you don't quit swishing and start dancing like someone with a penis - you and your tiara will be on the next bus back to Gayville!!!" Nancy believes in "tough love", obvs.
The dancers receive a note regarding their next challenge. They will be taking a "journey to the underworld", and should dress in “provocative” clothing. James immediately decides he's going to win the challenge "because I'm the sexiest!", and runs to get dressed. He considers wearing a "g-string and fringes", but apparently forgot to pack them. Nick makes a mental note to pick up ADDITIONAL girl-on-girl porn during this "journey to the underworld".
The dancetestants get dressed and head out. They end up at the "King King Club", a local nightclub which does a burlesque show called "L'effleur des Sens". Host Elizabeth Berkley and mentor Jerry Mitchell welcome the competitors, whose gayness has now turned the venue into the "Queen Queen Club".
The first performance of the show was VERY "Cabaret-The-Musical-esque", with lots of slutty and vaguely foreign women kicking up their legs and showing Nick what he's missing. These gals are REALLY sexing it up for the audience. So much so, that Sexy Papi Michael notices how they're "enticing and teasing us", which is EXACTLY what Michael is doing to ME. But wait, why does Michael looks so interested in these Ho's?!? Oh Lord, I'm gonna have to start cutting bitches EARLY this week! But seriously, I thought Michael was gay??!…
After an energetic female dancer performs the "Shimmy" (to a standing ovation), we get the final dance number at the King King Club. It is a bizarre performance, with one man and two woman doing steamy dance moves together which somehow morphs into simulated violence. The women hit the man over the head with a (fake) bottle, knock him down, and proceed to kick the crap out of him. This number was apparently choreographed by Rosie O'Donnell, with music and lyrics by Gloria Steinem.
After the performance, we are introduced to Cati Jean, the creator and choreographer of "L'effleur des Sens". We also meet Carolina Cerisola, a prominent dancer who's worked with Prince, Sting, and Justin Timberlake. Both women will be the guest judges this week.
Cati explains that what they have just witnessed was called an "Apache" dance, which is pronounced "ah-PAHSH" - not "a-PATCH-ee" like the Indian tribe. The Apache is a violent dance which interprets the interaction between a pimp and his prostitute. To give you an example: Bobby Brown's marriage to Whitney Houston was one big Apache Dance. With some crack added in to spice things up a bit.
What I don't understand is - why do they need a whole CATEGORY of dance devoted to pimps and prostitutes? Is that really necessary? It seems just a little SPECIFIC. If they want an inspiration for a new category of dance, they should do one based on my interactions with Time Warner Cable Customer Service. It would be called an "Abunchofincompetentbitches" Dance. THAT would be a showstopper!
Anywhoo, the dancers are told they will have an hour to learn a routine, perform, and then be divided into the usual winning and elimination groups.
The dancers partner up, and some are obviously more comfortable than others. Cody "enjoys doing partner work" (he charges $250 per hour for "full service”). Jessica - after running off the stage during last week's performance - is trying to prove to the rest that she is a good dancer. Sexy Papi Michael is worried about dropping his partner during one of the lifts (don't worry Baby, you couldn't even LIFT me and therefore could never drop me). Miguel doesn't have "a lot of partnering experience" (with that face, I believe him). And James, who calls himself "Supergay 2007", knows his biggest weakness is his "masculinity". Unfortunately he DOESN'T know that it's 2008.
They get separated into two groups:
Group #1: Mochi, Tovah, Cody, Oscar, and StraightNick
Group #2: Jessica, Janelle (who has immunity from last week's win), Papi Michael, and the Mean Girls - James and Miguel.
The twist? They won't reveal which group is the winning group, and which group is the elimination group until later.
Miguel bitches about being stuck on the same team as Jessica again this week. He recalls the last performance, when Jessica ran offstage in the middle of the routine, leaving her partner Miguel high and dry. And apparently Miguel (and some of the others) are not trying to hide their lack of respect for our blond bombshell. Jessica is definitely NOT feeling the love from the other dancetestants.
This lack of love takes its toll on Miss Jessica who begins to cry backstage, and suddenly decides she wants to go home. Jerry, in his role as mentor and gay best friend, rushes to her aid. He tells her she is "tall and gorgeous", and she should "think about that". He conveniently omitted telling her that she was a good dancer, which is similar to describing an ugly girl as having a "nice personality". But Jerry's little pep-talk was enough to get Miss Overwhelmed back on board.
Back at the Step It Up and Dance Studio, the dancetestants gather for one more surprise – each team must create their own choreography in telling their Pimp/Ho story. Jerry advises them to concentrate on the characters more than anything else. They have only 1 ½ hours to create their routine.
Group #1 is first, and Cody immediately morphs into Bob Fosse and takes charge. He starts off by envisioning himself as a pimp “going up to see the prostitutes”, and it sounds like Cody has done this before. Tovah, on the other hand, is a little taken aback by the whole thing. “I’ve never been a prostitute before!” she complains – and is upset that Cody is acting like she should know what to do. And Cody basically shuts down every idea that Nick has. Fosse runs a tight ship!
Time for Group #2. Miguel is complaining that Jessica is “so second grade”, which is so FIRST grade of him. Miguel is channeling Martha Graham, and has turned into Group #2’s choreographer. The story they decide to tell, it turns out, is true to life for Papi Michael – because they are telling the story of someone who can’t decide between the male and female Ho’s. Michael says in real life he is “bisexual” – which he and I have in common. Oh wait, I am BUYsexual, I forgot. Never mind.
Now let me tell you a little something about “Bisexuals”. It’s been my experience that, in men anyway, true bisexuality VERY rarely exists. Someone claiming they are Bi is usually just a short pit stop on their way down the Homo Highway. Once they’ve reached Penisville, they completely forget about ever spending time in Vajayjay City. And they NEVER return.
Or someone could, hypothetically, really be GAY – but not want his family to have to totally deal with it. And say this person comes from a conservative Catholic Latino background, and is getting ready to appear on a dance reality show. And this very attractive Latino dancer doesn’t want to further upset his Catholic Mami and elderly Abuelita, and bring his family complete shame. So on television, this Papi might say he is “Bisexual”. This, of course, is just a theory…
Anywhoo, Miguel/Martha Graham isn’t impressed with Michael’s dancing, saying “Mike thinks he’s an amazing dancer, which is annoying”. I’m sharpening my knife Missy – be careful!!
GayJames’ character, on the other hand, is a straight guy who paid for a female hooker. James needs to be “macho mucho manly” in order to pull this off. I'm sorry, but there is NO WAY he can be convincing in Vajayjay City…
Group #2’s time is up, and Jessica mentions that they never really finished the end of their routine. Back at the apartments, she heads to the Mean Girls pad to try and get some rehearsal time. But unfortunately she has arrived during the cocktail hour, and Miguel and James are having a gay old time sipping wine and being catty. Jessica and Papi Michael FINALLY convince them to rehearse.
In the other apartment, Oscar is wearing nothing but little teeny white short-shorts (what is up with these bitches being naked?). Mochi and Cody ask him to put some clothes on, but Oscar claims it’s all about freedom of expression. Well I want freedom from having to see Oscar’s nipples – what about MY rights?!?
Later, Oscar makes a phone call to his mother in Italy. It turns out she has Liver Cancer, and today is her birthday. This upsets me, because how am I supposed to talk nasty about him now that I know he’s competing for his dying mother?!? Seriously, life isn’t fair…for ME.
It’s Performance Day, and the dancers are getting into wardrobe and makeup. James is putting on his “game face”, which apparently involves lots of mascara. Tovah is complaining about her big boobs – which is NOT a good thing for a ballet dancer. She should have become a stripper, er, GO-GO DANCER (like Nicole) – where “the twins” would have been appreciated.
Jerry reveals which team is which. Group #1 (Cody, Nick, Tovah, Mochi, and Oscar) are the winning team. One of them will win immunity for next week. Group #2 (Michael, Janelle, Jessica, Miguel and James) are on the elimination team – one of them (except immune Janelle) will be going home.
We are introduced to our judges:
Vincent Paterson – who gives off a very “older gentleman picking up trade at the hustler bar” vibe.
Mean Nancy O’Meara – who is waiting to see if Miguel can butch it up.
Cati and Carolina – the guest judges this week.
And finally, Elizabeth Berkley, who is qualified to be a judge in a dance competition because she played a stripper in a movie once.
It’s Showtime. The winning group goes first.
Oscar seems to really shine – practically raping Tovah on stage, and beating up Cody and Nick. He is actually really good, looks VERY butch, and dare I say it – comes across as SEXY on stage. Or maybe I’m just feeling sorry about his Moms.
The judges REALLY likee this performance. Cati had “goose bumps”, Cody “danced like a man”, and Vincent was impressed by everyone but Nick. “I was waiting for it”, Vincent tells Nick – which is the exact same thing he said last night at the hustler bar.
The judges do some more judging, and decide Oscar is the overall winner. He has immunity next week.
Time for Group #2 – the elimination group. Before they go on stage, James is trying to psych himself into “being a man”, and Miguel is still paranoid that Nasty Nancy “thinks I’m a fag”. But Miguel says he is “a lot more versatile than who I sleep with”, and I’m not going to touch that with a ten foot pole.
During the performance, the judges make lemon-sucking faces and shake their heads in disappointment. Onstage, James looks like a queen going shoe shopping – not a man trying to buy some booty. Michael is gorgeous as the Bisexual trying to decide between a man and a woman. Wait, did he just KISS Miguel during the dance number! I WILL cut a bitch!
After they finish, the judges start hatin’. They tell Janelle that if she didn’t have immunity, SHE would be going home – which makes her cry. Apparently she danced like a sloppy prostitute (which I thought was the whole idea). They LOVED Jessica (for a change), and Vincent called her a beautiful “baby gazelle” – but still didn’t say she was a good dancer. And Nancy was happy that Miguel did indeed butch it up.
They tell Michael that he needs to stand out more. Michael explains that he didn’t want to upstage the other dancers, to which Vincent responds that it’s time to stop doing the “I’m a nice guy” routine. Personal note to Michael: this is a competition Papi – we need to win this money so we can start our life together! Get focused!!
The judges do the typical reality show trick and ask the “throw each other under the bus” question: “Who do each of you think should go home?”
James – “Michael” – I WILL cut a bitch.
Miguel – “Mike” – I will cut TWO bitches.
Janelle – “Mike” – More cutting...
Jessica – “Mike”. This shit is getting ridiculous! Jessica will NO LONGER be a beautiful gazelle after all my cutting!
When they ask “nice guy” Michael, he does indeed go the nice guy route and refuses to name someone. Then, just to rub it in, the judges ask him how it feels that the rest of his teammates named HIM as the weakest link. Michael responds by saying, “It hurts, but you gotta keep it moving”, and you “have to have a thick skin” in this business. You tell them Papi!
The judges talk amongst themselves, and discuss the fact that although Michael was named by all his teammates, no one had any SPECIFIC reasons why Michael should go home. They say that Miguel, although butch, was “all over the place”. And James was “too feminine” and broke character – a BIG no-no.
Jessica and Janelle are safe and leave the stage. That leaves Michael and the Mean Girls.
Michael is safe and he responds by saying “thank you” to the judges. See bitches, nice guys don’t necessarily finish last. That leaves the evil gay sisters – one of whom will be going home.
“James, the show is over. It’s time for your last dance.” He hugs his sister Miguel, and exits, stage right. He shoulda wore the g-string and fringes…
Just remember, it doesn’t pay to be mean, girls.
Next week – the dancetestants “hit the streets” and Janelle dances like “a white girl at the club”. Till then bitches!
Monday, April 7, 2008
Step It Up and Dance, Bitches!
As I said yesterday, I will be recapping all the gay drama on Step It Up and Dance this season. Read my first recap here, and let me know what you think.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Step It Up and Dance - THE RECAP
Yes Dust Bunnies, please don't be disappointed, but this is my "big surprise" - I'm recapping Bravo's Step It Up and Dance this season! Many of you have requested more recaps, and after watching the first episode, I think I can manage to fit this one into my schedule.
Since SIUaD airs on Thursday nights (when I usually work my part-time job), I won't be posting my recap until Sunday or Monday. I'll catch the repeats over the weekend and write my recap afterwards.
You might be wondering why I chose Step It Up and Dance. Well, most of you know how I love the drama. And the gays. And the dramatic gays. And a mirrored dance studio has more dramatic gays than almost anywhere else - besides a workroom full of fashion designers. I hope these dancing queens don't prove me wrong…
The show begins and we meet our first dancer - Miguel. JACKPOT!! Oh honey, in the dictionary under “Dramatic Gay" is this picture of Miguel.
Since SIUaD airs on Thursday nights (when I usually work my part-time job), I won't be posting my recap until Sunday or Monday. I'll catch the repeats over the weekend and write my recap afterwards.
You might be wondering why I chose Step It Up and Dance. Well, most of you know how I love the drama. And the gays. And the dramatic gays. And a mirrored dance studio has more dramatic gays than almost anywhere else - besides a workroom full of fashion designers. I hope these dancing queens don't prove me wrong…
The show begins and we meet our first dancer - Miguel. JACKPOT!! Oh honey, in the dictionary under “Dramatic Gay" is this picture of Miguel.
Lord, lord, lord…Bravo's going to make this easy for me. Miguel's specialty is "Jazz Funk". His fugly mug and his horrible outfit are putting ME in a funk.
One-by-one we get to meet more of the dancers. Janelle is an 18-yearl-old white hip hop dancer. James is another dramatic gay, who describes himself (inaccurately) as young and beautiful. Oscar has a Eurotrash accent that he says is "Italian", but sounds more like Southern Albanian by way of Jackson Heights, Queens (the gay section). Nicole is a "Go-Go Dancer" - NOT a stripper (yeah, right). Tovah is an African-American ballet dancer with a Jewish grandmother's name. Adriana Falcon is a skinny Jennifer Beals look-alike with a porn star's name.
We also have our Bravo-patented token straight guy - Nick, who's been dancing since he was a child so he can "meet women". Apparently he hasn't met any yet. Oh, and by the way, he was "inspired" by Kevin Bacon in Footloose - as was I, and every other gay man in the world. Please reference all the Will and Grace episodes featuring Kevin Bacon if you don't believe me. But his straightness is definitely confirmed by his outfit in this picture:
We meet Elizabeth Berkley, the Heidi Klum wannabe hostess of the show. We also meet Jerry Mitchell - the Broadway Choreographer responsible for Hairspray and Legally Blond. He will be acting as the Tim Gunn-style mentor, and tells the dancers he will NOT be one of the people judging them. As a big queen wearing a Fire Island Pines t-shirt, being non-judgmental is probably the hardest thing he's ever done.
The dancers immediately mention Elizabeth's starring role as Nomi Malone in Showgirls, and she gives them a little Nomi move. I must admit, I am the only fag who has never seen Showgirls in its entirety. I know it's supposed to be a "Camp Classic" - and us queens LOVE camp classics. But Showgirls is also EXTREMELY bad. The few times I've had an opportunity to watch it, it's been like watching a train wreck that's SO bad you MUST look away. I can take about 10 minutes, and then I gotta change the channel. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane is a camp classic, Showgirls is just …TRAGIC. Gina Gershon’s facial expressions ALONE make me want to become straight.
Anwhoo, Jerry and Elizabeth tell the dancers to go back to their apartments and get ready because they are all going out that evening. Miguel doesn't care WHERE they go, as long as there's free liquor and I'm starting to like these bitches already…
They hit the club and it's jumping. Jerry and Elizabeth are on the dance floor getting footloose and fancy free. The dancers grab a drink, and then hit the floor and start freestyling. The Asian chick, Mochi, keeps doing the "Running Man", which was popular during the time of MC Hammer. That's all you got girl?!? Then they introduce Michael Silas and time just stops cold. I am in love. Anyone who has seen this blog even a little bit will understand why…
Oh Papi! Michael has toured with Mary J. Blige (I love me some MJB!), Kelly Rowland, and Beyonce. And he looks like most of the “leading men” in my vast porno collection. OMG - he's dancing in Timberland boots! This isn't fair - how in the HELL am I supposed to pay attention to the rest of these people with a fine Papi like this smoldering on my television screen. If he gets voted off, it’ll be worse than the day Arby’s closed…
At one point things take a rather stomach-churning turn. Eurotrash Oscar takes his shirt off, and is grinding on some poor unsuspecting soul. Simple words just can’t convey the grossness . It was bad … really bad … SHOWGIRLS bad.
All of a sudden, the music stops, and Elizabeth tells the “Extras” (the other dancers apparently were just props) they can leave. She informs the dancetestants that their first challenge has already begun…
Jamie King, an accomplish Choreographer and a judge, has been observing them from the balcony. Oscar is looking for a rock to crawl under, because he has just made an ass out of himself with his shirtless bump and grind. Jamie wants to do a little dance-off and separate the dancers into “top” and “bottom” groups. Ain’t that always what a queen wants to do…
Groups of 4 dancers at a time are called to the dance floor. Music is played, and after a few seconds the music changes to another style. Their dancing needs to reflect the changes in the music. The highlights from this are when Gay James decides to push an Ottoman (a footstool, not a Turk) across the dance floor (and Jamie LIKED it!?!). Go-Go Nicole, who decided to wear stripper, er, GO-GO boots, is starting to feel her legs throbbing as a result. Note to dumbass Nicole: they told you that you were going out DANCING. This is a DANCE competition. Why in the hell would you wear boots that you couldn’t DANCE in?
Papi Michael was great – and is sent to the “top” group and I’m going to have to find that DVD with the Puerto Rican Bike Messengers looking for the ‘lost package’… Is it just me, or is it HOT in here?!?
Anywhoo - The top and bottom groups are finally determined – but Jamie wants to see one last thing. He calls out Adriana – who’s in the top group – and Jessica – who’s in the bottom group. After a mini-dance off, he switches them: Jessica is now on top, and Adriana is now on the bottom. Some bitches just can’t make up their minds.
It is explained that one of the members of the “A” (top) group will get immunity, and one of the members of the “B” (bottom) group will be going home. They leave the club and head back to the apartments.
Back home, blond Jessica asks everyone about their dance experience, and quickly finds out that she’s the ONLY one who hasn’t danced professionally. Cody has danced in a few Broadway shows, Mochi is currently in the Lion King, etc… Jessica is intimidated by her competition’s vast experience.
James and Miguel – the Gay Wondertwins – are lying in a bed and talking shit about the other dancers. One of them even says something about my Papi Michael. Note to James and Miguel: I WILL cut a bitch. They call each other “sisters”, and refer to themselves as the “Mean Girls”. It is obvious they are totally overcompensating for years of gay insecurity by being bitchy, sarcastic, and judgmental. I’m so glad I don’t do that…
The next day rolls around (note to producers, I suggest a shirtless shot of Michael sipping coffee and gazing out the window next week) and they go to the rehearsal studio. They are introduced to Nick and RJ – two prominent Choreographers who have worked with the Spice Girls. At first that doesn’t seem like a big deal to me – but getting that robot Posh Spice (Victoria Beckham) to bust a move CAN’T be easy. Each group (A and B) will get 1 ½ hours to learn a short dance routine.
The A team goes first, and Jessica (who was switched with Adriana to get to the “elite” team) is screwing up royally. She is poking bitches in the eyes, missing her cues, and generally stinking up the joint. In an interview (away from the dance studio), she tearfully tells us how proud she is of being in the top group, even though she is intimidated by her competition. Don’t worry sweetie, you won’t be there long…
Time for the B team. Go Go Nicole’s leg is now black and blue (dumbass!), and she isn’t able to give it her all. Choreographer RJ asks if anyone in the group knows how to tumble – Cody says “I’ll Tumble 4 Ya!” (sorry, the Culture Club fan in me just HAD to). Cody, being a Broadway veteran, is surprised to be in the bottom group. But he also says it’s like running from a bear – you don’t have to win, you just can’t come in last. I didn’t realize Broadway dancers could be so wise.
Adriana is messing up big-time and Tovah's not lighting any fires with HER performance. Oscar isn’t impressing anybody either, saying the choreographers don’t “click” with his ballet background. No darling, you suck, it's THAT simple…
After the routine is over, Go Go Nicole decides to go to the hospital to get her leg checked out. The rest of Team Loser is freaking because it screws up the choreography – and everyone talks about how dancers often perform while injured. Jerry Mitchell tells them that “the show must go on!”. So basically, there is NO sympathy for our Stripper. This is a tough crowd!
Both teams are called back to the main stage for a surprise announcement! Not only will the dancetestants have to do the routine, they will each take a turn freestyling at the end. They are told they must “sell themselves”. It’s a shame Go Go Nicole is in the hospital, “selling herself” probably isn’t a problem for her – one dollar at a time.
Speaking of Nicole – she finally returns from the hospital and informs everyone she must drop out. Miguel responds (in his Latino gay valley girl accent): “That’s CRAY-zie”. Translation: “C-YA chica, wouldn’t wanna B-YA!!”. Nicole is go-going home…
It’s time for the “Callback Performance” and we are introduced to the judges. Choreographer Vincent Paterson (who has worked with Madonna), Nancy O’Meara (who is currently working with Hanna Montana), and special Guest Judge…Scary Spice herself – Mel B., who looks adorable and happy to be away from babydaddy Eddie Murphy.
Janelle, the white hip hopper, is VERY excited to see Mel B. because she’s been a Spice Girls fan “forever”. She’s only 18 years old, so that’s conceivable. There is one last announcement: even with Nicole leaving due to health reasons, SOMEONE from Team B will go home tonight, and the winner from Team A will have immunity next week.
Team A performs. Or at least I think they do, because Michael is dancing and I can’t take my eyes off him. I am forced to look away only when I see “No Experience Jessica” running OFF THE STAGE in the middle of the routine! In a voiceover, she hysterically says “all of a sudden, everybody’s moving real fast” (it’s called DANCING, you dumbass!), and she got overwhelmed. StraightNick snaps her out of it by practically throwing her back onstage. And Miss Miguel is PISSED because Jessica was his partner and he had to improvise without her.
After their performance, they line up for the judges to get their “notes”. Jessica is crying and I can’t believe she got switched into the A Team. Neither can Elizabeth – she informs Jessica that had she been in the Elimination group, Jessica would be going home. Needless to say, this doesn’t help Miss Thang's hysterics.
Judge Vincent Paterson warns the other two gals (Mochi and Janelle) not to dance like “angry men”, although the angry-man-dancing doesn’t bother Jamie. Jamie liked their “Hootspah” – which sounds like something a Jewish owl would say.
But my fave comment of the night came from judge Nancy. She told Miguel he had to “butch it up”. “I don’t care if you like girls, boys, giraffes or monkeys”, she says, but he needs to “man up”.
“Did I look like a fag?”, Manuel asks, much like the Pope might ask: “Did I look Catholic?”. “Yes”, Nancy answers flatly. For someone working with Miley Cyrus, this bitch has balls. Me likee Nasty Nancy!
Then my Papi Michael, who has been standing silently, asks for some feedback from the judges. I have some feedback for you baby: move to Manhattan and make babies with me! Goodness, it IS hot in here!! Jamie tells Michael that he’s good, but needs to be GREAT. Careful Jamie – I WILL cut a bitch!
It is determined that Janelle (even though she danced like an angry man) and Gay James are the top two. Nasty Nancy really liked James – saying “he could sell me a sneaker full of poop”. Okay, maybe I DON’T like Nancy after all. After more discussion, It is decided that Janelle is the winner, and has immunity next week. They are told to “exit stage right”, which is almost as good as Top Chef’s “utensils down, hands up!”.
It’s time for the Elimination Group (Team B). Before the music starts, they all look horrified – but the routine isn’t bad. At least no one runs offstage.
Team Loser lines up for the firing squad. Mel B. wants a piece of Cute Cody – and pretty much invites him back to her hotel room. Elizabeth calls StraightNick a “handsome guy”, and I start to wonder if she’s stumbled upon Paula Abdul’s pharmacist.
Adriana, Oscar, and Tovah are the bottom three. Vincent Paterson yells at Oscar: “I don’t know what you were trying to do, except it looked like you couldn’t dance!”. He tells Adriana that she messed up a lot, and needs to learn how to cover up her mistakes. Tovah is called “too passive”, to which she replies that hip hop isn’t her specialty. Mel B. gets racial and screams – “you’re black, come on!”. Nancy comments that she wouldn’t be disappointed if ANY of these three losers went home and I’m liking her again.
After more judgementalism, it is announced that Oscar is safe. “You Guys!!!” he joyfully exclaims, but with his accent sound like “You Gays!!”. Either one works in this case.
Adriana and Tovah are left on the firing line. Finally, Elizabeth utters the words: “Adriana, the show’s over – time for your last dance”, which is even better than “pack your knives and go”. Then they make the poor loser dance alone in the studio, complete with somber mood lighting. Buh-bye Adriana!
Next (and every) week: Gay Drama! Till then bitches!!
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