On last week’s
RuPaul’s Drag Race, the dragtestants created “mini-me’s” out of butch female boxers. Stank Rebecca won, and Ongina was sent home for not tucking. Snakes on a Plane (
or in the trousers) WILL NOT WORK on the runway.
This week’s episode of
RuPaul’s Drag Race was one of the most enjoyable hours of television I’ve experienced in a while. This was because the entire episode was built around the idea of a Drag Ball – and Ru and the gals quoted some of the most memorable lines from the documentary that first exposed Vogueing and Drag Balls to the world –
Paris Is Burning.
I have mentioned
Paris Is Burning many times on this blog – and I can’t urge you enough to see it. Even though it was filmed over 20 years ago (and unfortunately most of the “stars” of the movie are no longer with us),
Paris Is Burning opens up a fabulous world that not many knew existed. And the “Ball Children” and “Legendary Mothers” are some of the funniest and most entertaining bitches you will ever see - despite their hard lives.
So, if you have never seen
Paris Is Burning, you probably didn’t understand many of the references and exclamations from last night’s
Drag Race. Phrases like
“OPULENCE! You own EVERYTHING!” and
“Why are you GAGGING SO?? She bring it to you every ball!!” made me absolutely squeal with delight when RuPaul and the girls said them. I thought I was the only one who could recite
Paris Is Burning by heart!
The episode begins with the girls strolling into the work room. Rebecca wonders aloud if the girls are “angry” that she is still there – but then answers her own question.
“Fuck it, none of the girls like me”. She ain’t lying.
RuPaul’s video “she-mail” instructs the girls to head to the runway for a mini-challenge. Once there, Ru tells the dragtestants that they are going “back to basics”. They will be having a “Vogue-Off”. Ru wants to see “poppin’, dippin’, and spinnin”. It’s time to BRING IT TO THE BALL!!
First up is Bebe – who has never Vogued before. What kind of drag queen never Vogued? Darlings, I’ve never done drag – but if you give me about 8 Bacardi Limon’s, I can Vogue better than Madonna. In fact, I’m “giving you face” right now at my computer. Just like Rita Hayworth…
Anywhore, Bebe does just fine – followed by the other three girls. After they finish – RuPaul announces that Nina and Rebecca were the best two – and will have a final Vogue-off to determine the winner. Shannel, of course, thinks SHE should have won. I have never seen someone who can lose so often, yet still have so much confidence and cockiness. She’s like a drag queen Republican.
Nina Flowers and Rebecca Glasscock hit the floor – and Nina ends up “snatching the trophy”. The House of Flowers wins!!
Rebecca, ever the stank young queen, rationalizes her loss by saying that Nina is
“much older than me” and was probably
“at the clubs when Vogueing started". Watch it bitch –
I was in the clubs when Vogueing started. And I will cut you.
RuPaul tells the final four that their elimination challenge this week will be to compete in a House Ball – sponsored by Absolute Vodka. Or, as RuPaul pronounces it,
“Absolute Vokka”. The ball will have 3 categories: Swimwear, “Executive Realness” (
dressing like a businesswoman), and Evening Gown.
RuPaul introduces the representative from Absolute, Jeffrey Moran. Mr. Moran explains that four of Absolute’s fruit-flavored vodkas will serve as the dragtestant’s inspiration for their ball looks. Nina, as the winner of the Vogueing competition, gets to assign the various fruits to the various girls.
Nina chooses Mango. Bebe gets Raspberry. Shannel gets Mandarin. And Stank Rebecca gets Citron (
AKA Sour-ass Lemon).
The gals hit the workroom to create their outfits. Bebe seems overwhelmed, saying
“Guuuuurrrrrrrllll, I’m GOING THROUGH IT right now”. Nina complains about having to use green, even though the Ho picked Mango herself. Shannel bitches about not knowing how to sew. And Rebecca is just a bitch.
RuPaul visits the workroom – the highlight of which is his visit to Rebecca’s workstation.
“What are you doing?”, RuPaul asks.
“It’s a secret”, Rebecca replies.
“Ancient Chinese secret, huh?!?” RuPaul says – quoting the infamous Calgon commercial from my childhood…
Shannel breaks it down by informing us that Rebecca doesn’t have a “secret”, she simply has no idea what the hell she’s doing.
RuPaul then tells the girls that it’s time for a little break. And in what might be the gayest scene on the gayest show on the gayest TV network EVER – in walks
Charo, two go-go boys ("The Pit Crew"), and a cart full of vodka. This is also known as THE PERFECT STORM OF GAYNESS.
Cocktail party!!! Charo gives the girls dancing/walking lessons by demonstrating with RuPaul. RuPaul pulls up to Charo’s bumper and they “spoon”. Charo delivers a valuable life lesson by telling us – in her thick accent – that “Spooning leads to Forking!”. That’s pretty forking funny, if you ask me.
Another thing that cracked me up was Charo speaking to Nina Flowers in her thick-accented, broken English. This is the absolute SAME accent Nina has! Why in the HELL didn’t they speak Spanish to each other? Actually, the more I think of it, Nina Flowers could totally be Charo’s drag daughter.
At the end of the Gayest Cocktail Party Ever, RuPaul informs the gals they will be required to incorporate their actual fruit into their evening gowns.
The next morning is elimination day, and the girls rush to finish their three looks. Shannel and Rebecca give each other dirty looks, while Nina helps Bebe get her needle and thread on.
Time for the runway! RuPaul makes her grand entrance and introduces the judges – Merle, Santino, Absolute Dude, and special guest judge Maria Conchita Alonso – who is a former Miss Venezuela. Besides Drag Balls, the other theme of this episode is “bitches with thick Spanish accents”. I kept waiting for the ghost of Ricky Ricardo to appear. "Ree-BEH-Kah ... Ju got sum 'splainin' to do!!!"...
Let’s bring it to the Ball! Category number one is “Executive Realness”. One of the interesting things about Paris is Burning is hearing about all the different categories. “Bangee Realness”, “Face”, “Fem Queen”, “Butch Queen”, and “Town & Country” and on and on... Luckily, this competition only has three categories – or we would be here for HOURS (like at a real Drag Ball).
Bebe is first, and pulls out a cell phone on the runway. She’s making a Executive Realness business deal! Bebe's looking for TARP bailout funds! She’s ordering lunch for her boss!!
Nina comes out, giving us “Geena Davis realness”. Shannel also gets on the phone, prompting Ru to say “Maybe that’s Bebe calling her!”. And Rebecca, ever the unoriginal Ho, whips HER cell phone out. RuPaul’s comment was priceless: “Don-ald TRUMP! You old geezer!!”.
The swimsuit competition was next. The highlight (lowlight?) was Shannel doing a Hannibal Lector-esque tongue/mouth sucking thing. It was creepy. Why do I get the impression that Shannel feeds on the life energy of young children to keep herself youthful? Is it just me?!?
Lastly, we have the Evening Gown category. Bebe looked fantastic as “Diana Rossberry”, Nina incorporated mango slices into her outfit, Shannel looked like a Las Vegas hooker – circa 1898. Rebecca (below) resembled a lemon that had been partially peeled - although Santino said she evoked "corn". But maybe he meant what happens in the bathroom after one EATS corn...
The judges speak to the girls, and ask each one to say who should go home. Rebecca wants all three of the bitches to go – but settles on Shannel. Bebe and Nina single out Rebecca. And Shannel, in a typical “look at me!” drama queen move – says SHE herself should go home. And if I didn’t dislike Rebecca so much, I’d have to agree.
The judges deliberate. It becomes obvious that the Absolute guy wants to take a bite outta Bebe, because he constantly raves about her beauty and at one point calls her “chocolate covered raspberries”. Bebe honey – you better GET THAT MAN! Just think, all the “
vokka” you can drink for the rest of your life!!
And in fact,
Bebe indeed wins the elimination challenge and will move on to the final three.
Nina comes in second and will also be in the final three. This leaves Shannel (who has basically given up), and stank Rebecca to lip synch for their lives.
Shannel and Rebecca lip synch to “
Shackles” by Mary Mary – and I have to say, Rebecca TORE THAT SONG TO SHREDS. Shannel didn’t stand a chance.
Shannel (below) is told to sashay … away, leaving Rebecca Stankcock in the final three.
If you would like to watch the entire episode (
and ALL episodes) of
RuPaul's Drag Race for free, go
HERE (
you must be in the United States to view). And like I said, find
Paris Is Burning and watch it. You'll be glad you did.
Till next week, bitches!!
