Ok people, this is going to be (relatively) short and sweet. Even though last night’s episode of Design Star was the dreaded Kitchen Challenge®, there was surprisingly little drama. So let's get going...
It’s morning in Hollyweird, and Clive informs the Designtestants that they’ll be splitting into two teams. Amy (random white girl), and Nathan (no longer “ambiguously gay” – now “gay gay gay!”) pick the paint cans with the gold stars and will be the Team Leaders.
The Team Leaders get to pick their teammates “playground style”. FYI: “playground style” does NOT mean they get to throw a big rubber ball at people’s faces. That is called “dodgeball”, the game that has given little gay boys nightmares since the invention of school recess. They didn't call it "Smear The Queer" for nothing...
Amy gets first pick but passes over Antonio (who has madd carpentry skillz) and picks Dan (who is also gay, gay gay). Amy then picks Jany (who?), Lonni (yet another random white girl), and Tashica – who almost got sent home last week. For now, let’s call them Team Four Gals And A Gay.
Nate’s team consists of Antonio, Jen (the fancy “Color Designer”), TresGay Jason, and Torie – who gets picked last. Let’s call them Team Two Gays One Gal And Tattoos.
After teams are selected, Clive informs the designers that they will be doing kitchens this week. Eyes roll and people start getting nervous. They will have $20,000 plus appliances from Sears and flooring from Lumber Liquidators to get the job done.
Each team goes out to meet the family and see their spaces. Team Two Gays, Etc. meets the Boucher family. The Bouchers like Moroccan and Italian themes and they spend a lot of time in their kitchen. Team Four Gals, Etc. meets the Johnson family – who likes to entertain in their kitchen and would like a place for their wine collection.
Time begins, and the teams get busy. On Team Amy, Dan – who seems like a really nice guy – can’t help but get frustrated with Tashica’s well-intentioned dumbassery. The very first thing Tashica does is drop the families’ wine while trying to clear the kitchen. Dan remarks later that “Tashica is … AGHHHHHHHH!”. That’s nice gay guy code for “I would like to cut her, if you don’t mind”.
Various members of various teams go cabinet shopping (team "leader" Amy had a hard time deciding what to pick), and go to Sears to pick out appliances. Back at the homes, the remaining designers demolish the two kitchens to make way for all the new stuff. Uber-Gay Jason, in particular, seems to LOVE swinging that sledge hammer and destroying the old kitchen. Working out some past dodgeball-related issues, perhaps?!?
Amy and Jany return from cabinet shopping, and it soon becomes apparent that Amy is an emotional wreck. It fact, poor Dan has to give her a hug approximately every fifteen minutes just to keep her from throwing herself onto a circular saw. If Dan wasn’t gay before, he is certainly a non-woman-loving Queen now. Day 1 is now over.
The next day begins, and Nate and Antonio butt heads regarding their kitchen design. Antonio calls Nathan a “sweet dude” but he’s “clueless”. Translation: “That little Queen is on my last tattooed nerve and I will squash him like a gay ladybug (redundant?) if he gets in my way”.
Over at Team I Need A Hug, poor Dan is doing all the heavy lifting. Amy and Tashica finally screw in ONE screw, and erupt into a chorus of squeals and high fives. Patient Dan congratulates them on their successful screwing, but then shows them how uneven their countertop is. The squealing and high-fiving quickly ends – as does their screwing.
Jany (for Team Estrogen) and Torie (for Team Gay Estrogen Plus Antonio) go shopping for backsplashes. Torie selects a metallic vinyl floor tile that should look great and will be easy to install. Jany, who obviously never watched Design Star before, decides to do a TILE backsplash. Tile backsplashes on Design Star is the equivalent of menswear on Project Runway and/or dessert on Top Chef – they should be avoided at all cost.
The Gays from Team Nathan (Nate and Gayson) decide that they will do what Gays do - go shopping – instead of installing the microwave like they were supposed to. Let that big, burly Antonio take care of the microwave, these boys have tchotchkes to shop for! After all, gayshopping is …
When the Gays finally return, loaded up with decorative loaves of bread, Moroccan vases, and a Buddha (?) – Antonio is mad. Even Gayson’s cheerful “Hey Girl, Hey!!” doesn’t cut the tension. Antonio is pissed that the Gays couldn’t install the microwave – and left it for him to do. Tough titties, Straighty – when The Mall calls, the Gays must answer.
Over at Team Dan Hates Women, they have sent Tashica shopping for accessories. Certainly she can’t screw that up, can she? Tashica leisurely does her thing, and then panics when she finds out that she's behind schedule. Yep, she screwed it up. Day 2 ends.
That evening, back at Casa de Design, Antonio remarks that even though he must work with compulsive shopper Gays, he’s glad he’s not on the other team. “They’re too busy holding hands and loving each other”, he says. Antonio must have missed the fact that sweet Dan would like to "accidentally" run a powerdrill between Tashica’s eyeballs.
It’s now the final day – Day 3 – and they have four hours to pull their kitchens together. Over at Team They’re So Gonna Win, Jason needs to mount the “under-counter piece” (AKA “Nathan”) and Torie is kicking ass on the gorgeous backsplash. They are so far ahead of the game, that Antonio has time to vacuum out the kitchen cabinet drawers.
Over at Team I Need A Hug, there are big problems – and no one has time to vacuum any drawers. The counter measurements weren’t quite right, so the granite countertops have seams. And in the non-surprise of the century, Jany can’t get the tile backsplash finished. I’m not sure what Tashica did, but she certainly didn’t get any of her accessories into the room. Amy, unsurprisingly, begins to cry and needs a hug. Go Team Needy!
It’s time for Elimination. The Judges are introduced: Candice Olsen, Vern Yip, and Genevieve Gorder. Side note: HGTV, who I follow onTwatter Twitter, tweeted last night that Vern has to sit on a “sand bag” at the Judge’s table because Candice is 6’ 1”, Genevieve is 5’11” and Vern is only 5’6”. Here is an actual picture of Candice and Vern together ...
Anywhore, the Judges take a look at Team Nathan (Nate, Antonio, Jen, Jason, and Torie). First of all, the room is FINISHED – which is historically 90% of the battle during the Kitchen Challenge. And they love Torie’s backsplash. However, the Judges pretend that Team Nathan might actually lose because they don’t like the color of the room or the choice of accessories. Cough, cough, BULLSHIT, cough, hack, cough. Sorry, I had something stuck in my throat. Besides, the homeowners LOVED it.
It’s time to judge Team Trainwreck (Amy, Dan, Jany, Lonni, Tashica). Team Leader Amy explains that they were going for “Warm Modernism”. What they ended up with was “Death Warmed Over”. As they watched the video (showing broken glass, unfinished granite seams, and no backsplash), the Judges looked like they all of sudden had a bad case of the farts...
Sorry, wrong judges. Anywhoo - Vern remarks that it looked like an earthquake hit the room. Candice asked them if they had ever watched Design Star before – “tile” is a “four-letter word”, she explains. And so are “dumb” and “crap” and “FAIL” – all words that could be used to describe this team’s performance. They show the homeowners – who seem to like their kitchen but they definitely notice the flaws. Clive remarks that a “Fix-It Team” was sent in the finish what they couldn’t. BTW - I need a "Fix-It Team" to come to my apartment and do all the laundry I failed to do over the weekend.
The Judges ask each member of who the weakest link was – and everyone says “Tashica”. Tashica thinks that Team Leader Amy was the weakest link, because of her constant tears and need of hugs.
Results time. Dan and Antonio were the defacto leaders of their teams and are safe. Torie, Jason, Lonni, and Jany are also safe. I’m not sure why Jany is safe, since she was the brainiac who insisted on a tile backsplash that never got finished. Jen (the “Color Designer” who has screwed up her colors for two weeks) is also safe, as is Nathan.
Finally, it comes down to TeamNeeder Leader Amy, and Tashica. The Judges decide that Amy should go home for her lack of leadership. When Tashica enters the waiting room, the other Designers’ mouths drop. Even Tashica can’t believe she survived again. I guess being needy is worse than being a clumsy dumbass.
Next week: Design Star channels Project Runway by forcing the Designtestants to shop at the Grocery Store. I predict woven corn stalk quilts and licorice cabinet handles. To read my recap of last week's show, click HERE.
It’s morning in Hollyweird, and Clive informs the Designtestants that they’ll be splitting into two teams. Amy (random white girl), and Nathan (no longer “ambiguously gay” – now “gay gay gay!”) pick the paint cans with the gold stars and will be the Team Leaders.
The Team Leaders get to pick their teammates “playground style”. FYI: “playground style” does NOT mean they get to throw a big rubber ball at people’s faces. That is called “dodgeball”, the game that has given little gay boys nightmares since the invention of school recess. They didn't call it "Smear The Queer" for nothing...
Amy gets first pick but passes over Antonio (who has madd carpentry skillz) and picks Dan (who is also gay, gay gay). Amy then picks Jany (who?), Lonni (yet another random white girl), and Tashica – who almost got sent home last week. For now, let’s call them Team Four Gals And A Gay.
Nate’s team consists of Antonio, Jen (the fancy “Color Designer”), TresGay Jason, and Torie – who gets picked last. Let’s call them Team Two Gays One Gal And Tattoos.
After teams are selected, Clive informs the designers that they will be doing kitchens this week. Eyes roll and people start getting nervous. They will have $20,000 plus appliances from Sears and flooring from Lumber Liquidators to get the job done.
Each team goes out to meet the family and see their spaces. Team Two Gays, Etc. meets the Boucher family. The Bouchers like Moroccan and Italian themes and they spend a lot of time in their kitchen. Team Four Gals, Etc. meets the Johnson family – who likes to entertain in their kitchen and would like a place for their wine collection.
Time begins, and the teams get busy. On Team Amy, Dan – who seems like a really nice guy – can’t help but get frustrated with Tashica’s well-intentioned dumbassery. The very first thing Tashica does is drop the families’ wine while trying to clear the kitchen. Dan remarks later that “Tashica is … AGHHHHHHHH!”. That’s nice gay guy code for “I would like to cut her, if you don’t mind”.
Various members of various teams go cabinet shopping (team "leader" Amy had a hard time deciding what to pick), and go to Sears to pick out appliances. Back at the homes, the remaining designers demolish the two kitchens to make way for all the new stuff. Uber-Gay Jason, in particular, seems to LOVE swinging that sledge hammer and destroying the old kitchen. Working out some past dodgeball-related issues, perhaps?!?
Amy and Jany return from cabinet shopping, and it soon becomes apparent that Amy is an emotional wreck. It fact, poor Dan has to give her a hug approximately every fifteen minutes just to keep her from throwing herself onto a circular saw. If Dan wasn’t gay before, he is certainly a non-woman-loving Queen now. Day 1 is now over.
The next day begins, and Nate and Antonio butt heads regarding their kitchen design. Antonio calls Nathan a “sweet dude” but he’s “clueless”. Translation: “That little Queen is on my last tattooed nerve and I will squash him like a gay ladybug (redundant?) if he gets in my way”.
Over at Team I Need A Hug, poor Dan is doing all the heavy lifting. Amy and Tashica finally screw in ONE screw, and erupt into a chorus of squeals and high fives. Patient Dan congratulates them on their successful screwing, but then shows them how uneven their countertop is. The squealing and high-fiving quickly ends – as does their screwing.
Jany (for Team Estrogen) and Torie (for Team Gay Estrogen Plus Antonio) go shopping for backsplashes. Torie selects a metallic vinyl floor tile that should look great and will be easy to install. Jany, who obviously never watched Design Star before, decides to do a TILE backsplash. Tile backsplashes on Design Star is the equivalent of menswear on Project Runway and/or dessert on Top Chef – they should be avoided at all cost.
The Gays from Team Nathan (Nate and Gayson) decide that they will do what Gays do - go shopping – instead of installing the microwave like they were supposed to. Let that big, burly Antonio take care of the microwave, these boys have tchotchkes to shop for! After all, gayshopping is …
When the Gays finally return, loaded up with decorative loaves of bread, Moroccan vases, and a Buddha (?) – Antonio is mad. Even Gayson’s cheerful “Hey Girl, Hey!!” doesn’t cut the tension. Antonio is pissed that the Gays couldn’t install the microwave – and left it for him to do. Tough titties, Straighty – when The Mall calls, the Gays must answer.
Over at Team Dan Hates Women, they have sent Tashica shopping for accessories. Certainly she can’t screw that up, can she? Tashica leisurely does her thing, and then panics when she finds out that she's behind schedule. Yep, she screwed it up. Day 2 ends.
That evening, back at Casa de Design, Antonio remarks that even though he must work with compulsive shopper Gays, he’s glad he’s not on the other team. “They’re too busy holding hands and loving each other”, he says. Antonio must have missed the fact that sweet Dan would like to "accidentally" run a powerdrill between Tashica’s eyeballs.
It’s now the final day – Day 3 – and they have four hours to pull their kitchens together. Over at Team They’re So Gonna Win, Jason needs to mount the “under-counter piece” (AKA “Nathan”) and Torie is kicking ass on the gorgeous backsplash. They are so far ahead of the game, that Antonio has time to vacuum out the kitchen cabinet drawers.
Over at Team I Need A Hug, there are big problems – and no one has time to vacuum any drawers. The counter measurements weren’t quite right, so the granite countertops have seams. And in the non-surprise of the century, Jany can’t get the tile backsplash finished. I’m not sure what Tashica did, but she certainly didn’t get any of her accessories into the room. Amy, unsurprisingly, begins to cry and needs a hug. Go Team Needy!
It’s time for Elimination. The Judges are introduced: Candice Olsen, Vern Yip, and Genevieve Gorder. Side note: HGTV, who I follow on
Anywhore, the Judges take a look at Team Nathan (Nate, Antonio, Jen, Jason, and Torie). First of all, the room is FINISHED – which is historically 90% of the battle during the Kitchen Challenge. And they love Torie’s backsplash. However, the Judges pretend that Team Nathan might actually lose because they don’t like the color of the room or the choice of accessories. Cough, cough, BULLSHIT, cough, hack, cough. Sorry, I had something stuck in my throat. Besides, the homeowners LOVED it.
It’s time to judge Team Trainwreck (Amy, Dan, Jany, Lonni, Tashica). Team Leader Amy explains that they were going for “Warm Modernism”. What they ended up with was “Death Warmed Over”. As they watched the video (showing broken glass, unfinished granite seams, and no backsplash), the Judges looked like they all of sudden had a bad case of the farts...
Sorry, wrong judges. Anywhoo - Vern remarks that it looked like an earthquake hit the room. Candice asked them if they had ever watched Design Star before – “tile” is a “four-letter word”, she explains. And so are “dumb” and “crap” and “FAIL” – all words that could be used to describe this team’s performance. They show the homeowners – who seem to like their kitchen but they definitely notice the flaws. Clive remarks that a “Fix-It Team” was sent in the finish what they couldn’t. BTW - I need a "Fix-It Team" to come to my apartment and do all the laundry I failed to do over the weekend.
The Judges ask each member of who the weakest link was – and everyone says “Tashica”. Tashica thinks that Team Leader Amy was the weakest link, because of her constant tears and need of hugs.
Results time. Dan and Antonio were the defacto leaders of their teams and are safe. Torie, Jason, Lonni, and Jany are also safe. I’m not sure why Jany is safe, since she was the brainiac who insisted on a tile backsplash that never got finished. Jen (the “Color Designer” who has screwed up her colors for two weeks) is also safe, as is Nathan.
Finally, it comes down to Team
Next week: Design Star channels Project Runway by forcing the Designtestants to shop at the Grocery Store. I predict woven corn stalk quilts and licorice cabinet handles. To read my recap of last week's show, click HERE.
