Top Haircut - Episode One - "There Ain't Much Motion In This Oshun"

Alternate Title: "Operation: Get Rid of the Black Guy"

Don’t get excited – this is NOT a recap per se, just some observations about last night’s Top Haircut. Keep in mind, this is the absolute first time I’ve ever seen Shear Genius (I didn’t watch last season), so this is all new to me. I have to say, it WAS entertaining.

● Jaclyn Smith looks FLAWLESS – especially considering she’s like 80-years-old. Jaclyn obviously got the “Deluxe Package” at PlasticSurgery Mart, and she must use Heather Locklear’s makeup, hair, and lighting people. Fierce all around.

● Smith’s sidekick last night, “Master Colorist” Mr. Kim Vo, only bought the “Puffy Lip Special” at PlasticSurgery Mart. His hair color IS flawless – but everything else screams HOT TRANNY MESS.

● When Vo was introduced; they mentioned he is responsible for Britney Spears’ hair. What, those ratty weaves containing bits of Funyuns and Cheetoh dust??!!?? It’s time to take Brit-Brit off your resume, girl.

● Oshun, the token black guy, likes to refer to himself in the third person – and then use a bunch of words that rhyme with “Oshun” (pronounced like the body of water). Motion, lotion, potion, and ‘causing a commotion’ were all used (I think). And as we all know – because he’s black, he WILL be going home first – a la Top Chef (Nimma), Design Star (Scottie), and every horror movie ever made. Don’t call me a racist, bitches, this is a scientifical fact. Look it up.

● There is also a white chick named “Nekisa”, and a lesbian named “Dee”. I didn’t realize lesbians could cut hair. Top Mechanic or Top Janitor I could understand – but Top Haircut? Watch what happens!

● We also have the Bravo-patented “token straight guy” – who mentions his wife in his very first breath. Calm yourself Mary – we get it, you’re ALL ABOUT getting up in the cha-cha.

● Their version of the Quickfire Challenge – the “Shortcut Challenge” – last night had the salontestants cutting hair blindfolded. I was just glad that bitches were not stabbed or maimed. Oshun lost the challenge due to his “butcher job”. He should stick to rhyming.

● OK, seriously, hold the friggin’ phone. Who in the hell is “mentor” Rene Fris? He is gorgeous, but he REALLY needs to keep his mouth shut. He has one of those horrible Eurotrash accents, and I can’t tell if he’s talking about “hair color” or “her collar”. And his reading of cue cards has to be seen to be believed.


● The Elimination Challenge required the salontestants to create a hairstyle inspired by various cartoon characters. It is SO sad, I am too old to have any idea who the hell “Jem” is. There used to be a drag queen at the Roxy named “Gem Gender” who carried a plastic raygun – so we referred to her as “Security!”. But I don’t think that’s the "Jem" they were talking about last night.

● Jaclyn Smith just said “It’s time for the Hair Show”. I’m getting a t-shirt.

● Dallas Daniel – the Kayne Gillespie of the show – is all about “Southern Hair”. He wins the challenge with his Wilma Flintstone design. He keeps hairspray in his pocket. I keep money and some napkins to wipe my sweaty face in mine, but whatever.

● Oshun, who seems directly out of an In Living Color skit, loses and gets sent home. Wait, did he just say “Cracka Lackin’”? Buh-bye Oshun – you weren’t as “deep” as you kept saying you were.

● Operation: Get Rid of the Black Guy. ACCOMPLISHED.


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Till next week, bitches!!!