Design Star - Episode Three - "Stand By Your Plan"

Last week on Design Star, “Operation: Get Rid of the Black Guy” went off without a hitch. That’s how they roll in Tennessee.

This week, host Clive Pearse abruptly awakens everyone with a loud bullhorn. This was totally unnecessary, just like host Clive Pearce himself. Matt is shirtless, Tracee’s face is filled with surprise and scorn (the only two emotions she knows), and Gay Michael looks EXACTLY like Chris Elliot’s annoying gay younger brother (hat tip to Noogie for that observation).

The sleepy designtestants walk out of their house to find a “yard sale”, which is less “yard sale” and more “a bunch of crap on tables in the driveway”. Which, come to think of it, pretty much describes every yard sale I’ve ever been to. Each designer must pick an object – obviously for later use.

After each person selects their very own ‘objet du crap’ from the Yard Sale, they are driven to the location of their challenge – a stately manor called “Oaklawn”. Oaklawn has a long history, including once being the home of country singers George Jones and Tammy Wynette. When Clive mentions this, Gay Michael reverently whispers – almost like a prayer – “stand by your man…”. Us gays loves us a tragic Diva (see also: Garland, Judy; Minnelli, Liza; WineWarehouse, Amy). Ed. Comment: after a few of your comments, I re-watched the show and Michael did NOT make the above statement, Matt indeed said "stand by your mansion". Which can only mean that Matt is a Mo. Woopsie!

Apparently, George and Tammy did a lot of sitting (or sittin’, as they would say) – because the mansion has four identical living/sitting rooms. It also has a ghost, which is probably just Tammy’s spirit stumbling around looking for her pills. The designers will be paired up and each duo will design their own sitting room.

The pairings are made:

D Paul (who is now “D Rock” for some reason) pairs with Faghag Trish.

Matt and Gay Michael are put together. Gay Michael plans on “using” Matt until the very end, and then will “stomp on him” – which is exactly how all his relationships go.

Stank Tracee and Jennifer. And you can bet that Jennifer is PSYCHED to be working with “Miss Throw Everyone Under the Bus”.

Mikey V. and ditsy Stephanie. If I were her, I would totally let Mikey 'hit it'.

The designers have 26 hours and $5,000 to finish their rooms. Let the games begin…

Plans are made and the ghost of Tammy starts knocking crap off the walls and moving people’s tools. Apparently it’s hard to find your Percocet when your home is being renovated and you’re drunk … and dead.

‘P Diddy D Paul’ decides he wants to extend the crown moulding – which Trish isn’t so sure about. Mikey is extremely good at keeping ditzy Stephanie focused, and Gay (!) Michael and Gay (?) Matt decide on basic black walls. Matt affectionately refers to Michael as a “professional”. Sound like Gay Michael’s plan of “using” and “stomping” is right on schedule …

While shopping, Stephanie uses the word “expensiver” and wants to paint EVERYTHING. In addition to being gorgeous, her partner Mikey V. has the patience of a saint. But what is that weird bottom lip thing he’s got going on? Lord, please don’t let it be the herpes.

Tracee shows her stank early by taking her time (and a catnap) during her shopping spree – leaving her partner Jennifer with nothing to do. Their partnership quickly goes even further downhill when Tracee arrives with two ugly chairs – which Jennifer HATES. Tracee, however, is still operating under the delusion that she is an utter joy to work with.

‘Puffy Paul D Rock’ is tackling his project “Louisiana Style” – which means he’s taking his damn sweet time on the crown moulding. During the yard sale crap-grab, he chose an archer’s bow – and at the last minute decides to take it apart, paint it white, lean it up against the fireplace, and call it a “sculptural piece”. Nice try, Jethro – Vern is going to destroy you…

Annoying Clive and his annoying bullhorn signal that time is up. Judges Martha, Vern, and Cynthia get to judging by looking at ‘before’ and ‘after’ video.

First up, we have “Team Stank Plus One” (Tracee and Jennifer). During the video, Tammy’s ghost knocks an ugly sconce off the wall – which she obviously did NOT like, and besides, there were NO pills in it. The judges agree with Tammy the not-so-friendly Ghost – they no likee.

Secondly, we have team “Gay (!) & Gay (?)” (Michael and Matt). The judges likee the black walls and overall design.

Third, we have “Team Hag Without a Fag” (Trish and D Paul). The judges no likee the dark, manly colors and don’t even notice the time-consuming crown moulding. They REALLY could have used a fag on this team.

Lastly, we have “Team Football Team Captain and Head Cheerleader". The judges likee, and I just figured it out, Stephanie looks exactly like Jennifer Coolidge. I wonder if Mikey likes “cougars”?


The judges deliberate, and the designers go to the green room to hate on Tracee (it’s already a tradition). But all Tracee can do is give alternating looks of surprise and scorn, and swear up and down that she’s easy to work with. So “easy to work with”, in fact, that after various competitors tell her to chill out and “deal with it” – Tracee utters the phrase: “I am ashamed to be associated with some of you”. I need to wear a t-shirt with those words the next time I go home to the gay bars of Harrisburg, PA….

The designers return to the Elimination Studio. Mikey, Stephanie, Matt, and Gay Michael have the best rooms and are safe (question: why don't they ever announce the overall winner?).

Jennifer and Trish are also safe – despite being paired with incompetents. Stank Tracee and ‘D Paul John George Ringo’ are the bottom two.

“Operation: Keep The Stank Bitch Because You Always Need A Stank Bitch On A Reality Show” goes off without a hitch, and D Paul goes back to the Bayou. Tracee and her Stank return to the green room to absolute silence. Thank goodness she’s not like Top Chef’s Lisa – because then she would have expected a “congratulations”…

Next week: people break shit, and people cry. Till then bitches!!!