Top Chef Chicago - Finale - Fiction Is Funny!

I’m going to be honest with you – last night’s episode of Top Chef was dull. Besides the natural tension of waiting to find out who won (and praying that Lisa was NOT the winner) – it was pretty straightforward. There was no yelling, no undercooked rice and beans, and no SABOTOGE! So I’m simply going to make shit up. Yep – what you are about to read is total fiction – but hopefully it’ll be more entertaining than what really happened. It’s also going to be short and sweet – so let’s get started…

It’s morning in Puerto Rico, and Lisa is nursing her hangover from being at the lesbian bar - Motocicleta Mamá (“Motorcycle Mama”) all night. Stephanie is doing the “walk of shame” - returning to the hotel after spending the night at PapiChef Wilo Benet’s hacienda. Richard is the only one who looks like he got any sleep.

The three meet for breakfast – and Richard and Steph are making stank faces in Lisa’s general direction. Lisa must still have that Motorcycle Mama smell all over her. We get the normal “time-filler” commentary:

Richard: “There’s a lot on the line … I got a baby on the way … Lisa is a stank bitch …”

Stephanie: “It’s been a long journey … I want to be the first female Top Chef … Lisa is a stank bitch …”

Lisa: “I want to bang the first female Top Chef… Lisa is a ..?.. HEY, wait a minute?!!”

The three finalists go to meet Padma and Tom – who are standing with three world-famous Chefs: veggie specialist Jolly Green Giant, Chef Boyardee, and snack-cake guru Little Debbie. Each guest chef is standing in front a table of assorted foods – gumdrops, sardines, oatmeal pies, escargot, pixie sticks, beef Wellington, succotash, chicken noodle soup, Spam, etc.

The person that has won the most challenges gets to select which chef he or she would like to work with. However, Stephanie and Richard are tied – so they chose the person who “got some” last night. Stephanie silently thanks Chef Wilo and selects world-famous Chef Boyardee first. Richard picks the Jolly Green Giant, leaving Lisa with Little Debbie. Lisa is happy to be working with a woman – especially since Debbie is looking butch in her blue flannel shirt and cowboy hat.

Each of the three finalists will prepare a traditional four-course meal for nine diners – using the three guest chefs as helpers. They get busy planning their menus and doing their prep work.

Lisa bonds immediately with Little Debbie – who’s actually not so little since she joined the softball team and started working out. Stephanie notes how weird it is that Lisa is getting along with her, because she is usually stank to EVERYONE. Not if Lisa thinks there’s a chance of getting a bite of the Banana Twins – if you smell what I’m stepping in.


Lisa is planning a traditional Asian meal of Fried Wontons, Chicken Chow Mein, Sesame Beef, and Fortune Cookies for dessert. That comes with a free eggroll, but I’m sure she’ll forget the Duck Sauce. They ALWAYS forget the Duck Sauce…

Richard is still discussing his ideas with the Jolly Green Giant, who’s not being very helpful. Every time Richard has a new idea, the Giant says “Ho-Ho-Ho, why don’t you add some PEAS to that!”. Laffy Taffy does NOT taste good with peas, stupid. And stop calling Richard a "Ho" - he was the ONLY one who didn't get lucky last night!

Stephanie is working with one of the most well-known chefs in history, but she has no problem telling Chef Boyardee the way she wants things done. The thought of dessert is really freaking Stephanie out however – making her wish she had picked Little Debbie. But Chef Boyardee comes up with a unique dessert idea, and Steph is happy for his help.


Richard has decided to show off a little bit for the celebrity chefs, and whips out his liquid nitrogen. He is one of the few people who utilizes this to cook – and today he is going to make an old favorite: “Tranny Ice Cream”. Here is the formula:

Revlon Fabulash Mascara + Jean Naté After-Bath Splash + Popov Vodka. Freeze with liquid nitrogen and this is what you get:


Delish! Richard has drawn attention from the celebrity chefs and remarks: “I just showed Chef Boyardee a technique he never saw – that’s fucking cool!”.

It is the end of the day, and the finalists say goodnight to their Sous Chefs – with Lisa getting a little “over the flannel” action during her hug with Not-So-Little Debbie. Goodnight bitches!!

It’s a new day – the day of the final challenge, and the three finalists rush into the kitchen to begin. But their helpers aren’t there. All three have called out sick, and since they are in the union, they can’t be penalized. Richard, Lisa, and Stephanie will have to finish on their own. Chef Tom remarks that they will “live and die by your own hand” – and I want to know why he has to mention my sex life on national TV? That was uncalled for, Tom.

We get more “filler” commentary. Richard remarks that people call out sick in restaurants all the time – and it’s impossible to fire them once they get that union card. Stephanie is trying to stay focused on her Beefaroni. And Lisa remarks that her menu will reflect her personality. But how does “stank” actually taste?

It’s time for service – and the guests arrive. They are: Padma, Tom, Ted Allen, Little Debbie (who is speaking with a British accent, like Madonna), Jolly Green Giant, Chef Boyardee, and two old sleepy guys. I didn’t catch the old guys’ names, but I could have sworn Padma called one of them a faggot. Or maybe she pronounced it “faGETT”? Does anyone recognize them?:


Wait … here are my favorite gals – GAIL AND HER BOOBIES!!!!! I hoped they made room for two additional diners. Gail, as an editor of Food and Wine magazine, has an abundance of culinary experience – and makes a surprise announcement. She will be opening an “upscale” version of Hooters, called “Boobage Bistro”. Look for it this fall.

Before service, the finalists reflect upon their menus. Richard’s dishes represent “his own personal journey” – so apparently he's spent a lot of time in pea fields. Lisa is doing Asian StankFusion, and Stephanie is utilizing Spaghetti and Meatballs for every course, like Chef Boyardee suggested.

The four courses come out, one-by-one. It seems that Stephanie is doing well – but surprisingly so is Lisa. The judges must have appreciated the free eggroll. Richard seems to be off tonight – Gail’s boobies must not like peas. Those funbags have sophisticated palettes.

At the end of service, the finalists are applauded and thanked by the judges. They go to the temporary Not-So-Glad Storage room – and Padma, Tom, Ted, Gail, and the Boobies go to the Judge’s Table to discuss.

They debate, take notes, debate, discuss, and debate some more. The morning birds are chirping, and they’ve finally made a decision. I am really starting to think that Lisa and her Stank Foo Young may have won this thing. There are going to be some PISSED OFF people if that is the case.

Richard, Stephanie, Lisa, and Lisa’s Double-Chin stand in front of the judges. They discuss and defend their various dishes. Padma asks them if they have any last words. They all do:

Stephanie: “Lisa is a stank bitch”.

Richard: “I’ll say it … Lisa is a stank bitch”

Lisa: “Lisa is a ..?.. You guys ALWAYS get me with that!!!”

After more discussions, it’s time for the announcement:

“STEPHANIE – YOU ARE TOP CHEF!! Lisa – you are a stank bitch. And Richard: you won the fucking bronze medal – congratulations!”



Next week: Reunion Special and Fan Favorite! Till then Bitches!!!