Top Chef D.C. Episode 8 - Wats and Watnots

Last week, in The Mystery of the Purportedly Purloined Pea Puree, Alex wowed Chef Art Smith and won – while Andrea got sent back to Miami where she can continue calling-in fake reservations to Michelle Bernstein’s restaurant.

Today is a new day in Washington, D.C.– and the Cheftestants are still talking about pea puree.  Everyone except Tiffany, who is thinking about her upcoming Costa Rican wedding and how she is going to afford it.  After all, those little cocktail umbrellas aren’t going to pay for themselves.

The Cheftestants head over to the Top Chef Kitchen and are greeting by Padma and another of my least favorite Chefs – Marcus Samuelsson.  Samuelsson is the owner of The Red Rooster here in NYC.  And as Stefan from Top Chef Season 5 would tell you, “Red Rooster” is just another name for …

T-shirt designed by the fabulous Minx, btw.

Padma informs the chefs that in D.C., one cuisine “dominates” the food scene.  Italian?  French??  Chinese???  None of the above … it’s Ethernopian Cuisine (h/t to South Park).  Really?  Ethiopian food DOMINATES the scene in D.C.??  That must be some scene…

If you never saw the “Starvin’ Marvin” episode of South Parkyou wouldn’t appreciate this.  Sorry.

Quickfire:

After a quick Ethernopian tutorial by Chef Samuelsson, the Cheftestants are told they must make an Ethiopian-inspired dish.  Ready, set, Quickfire!

During the culinary scramble, the chefs kept talking about doing a “what”.  What??  Huh??  Who’s on first??  What’s on second? But apparently they were talking about “Wat”, which is a type of stew.  WATever…

Since Alex won the last challenge, it is “Talk Stank About Alex Day” in the Top Chef Kitchen.  Everyone piles on except for Angelo, who feels the need to give us an educational segment on Ethiopian cuisine, since he previously worked at an Ethiopian restaurant (natch).

Utensils down, hands up!

Padma and Marcus stroll around and sample the various wats and watnots.  When Marcus gets to Angelo, he asks if Angelo is sure he wasn’t born in Ethiopia – which causes the other Cheftestants to roll their eyes like a teenage girl listening to her Grandma's advice about boys.

Results:

No Likee:

My Kevin.  Dish was “too shy”.  Awwwwwwwwww, he’s SHY!  My Kevin then states he’s been on the bottom 3 times, and on the top 4 – and he much prefers the top.  And that’s why he’s “My Kevin”.  Marcus also doesn’t care for Stephen’s or Alex’s watnots.

Likee:

Amanda, Angelo (who, natch, thinks he has this one in the bag), and Tiffany (the Texasgal who is becoming everyone’s favorite).

And the winner is … Tiffany!  She receives immunity and an evil shank-eye from Angelo.

Then, in a clear indication of this nation’s deep recession, Padma and Marcus are forced to act as Stage Hands and wheel in a big, cheesy chalkboard map of the world.  Downsizing – it even affects reality television.

Elimination Challenge:

The Cheftestants will draw knives, pick one of the 9 countries on the map, and create a dish representing their chosen country.  They will be catering a reception for foreign “diplomats” and “dignitaries” (AKA “the gals at the Armenian Embassy who order the office supplies and fetch coffee”) and must make 100 portions of each dish.

The Cheftestants draw knives to see in what order they will choose their cuisine.  As the winner of the Quickfire, Tiffany picks first (she chooses Mexico), and Stephen draws last – getting Brazil.

They head to Whole Foods, where some of the chefs (namely: Stephen and My Kevin) display their cluelessness regarding their chosen cuisines.  Stephen went to a Brazilian Steakhouse once, so he’s cooking steak.  And My Kevin has a feeling that Indian food may or may not have some spice in it.

Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs have 2 hours to prepare.  We find out Ed has dated Chinese women, which somehow makes him an expert on Chinese Cuisine.  For someone with less personality than my Sock Drawer, Ed sure seems to get a lot of action.  BTW – does this same theory make ME an expert on Puerto Rican Cuisine???  Stephen remains clueless about Brazilcuisine – perhaps he should have dated some Brazilian women.  Or men.  WATever.

Chef Tom visits, and asks My Kevin if he thinks Padma will be tough on him for his Indian cuisine (luckily for me, Kevin is too young and too poor to date Padma).  Tiffany tells Tom she is tired of Tamales with no meat, so she is creating a Meaty Mexican Tamale dish.  We also find out that there is no room for Alex in Amanda’s Hot Box.  Which is a surprise.

The next day they head over to the venue and have 30 minutes to set up.  The Estonian Office Managers “Diplomats” begin arriving, followed by the judges – featuring famed Spanish Chef José Andrés (who has the most adorable accent EVAH) and Marcus Samuelson – who has stolen one of Spike Mendelsohn’s Asshats.

BOOBIE WATCH: Lefty and Righty are in fine form this afternoon, I must say.  Gail must be so proud of her Girls.

The judges sample the various dishes and discuss.  Alex chose Spain, so Chef José seems quite interested in what he created, and Padma is excited to try My Kevin’s Indian food.  Kevin asks her to “be gentle” because it’s his “first time”, which is NOT the kind of talk you’d expect from someone on Top.

The judges finish sampling the dishes and tell Marcus Samuelsson (and his hat) to hit the road so they can head over to the judges table.

In-Between Commercials Scene:

We now know what Top Chef does with all that extra Glad Wrap since Glad dropped them as a sponsor.  Angelo decides to play a prank on a drunken Stephen and put plastic wrap over the toilet like a 12-year-old.

The result:  PEE puree!!!!  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Back in the No Longer Glad Storage Room, Padma calls Kelly, Kevin and Tiffany to the Judges Table.  They are the top three.  My Kevin is shocked to be there – considering he totally made up his “Indian” dish (and he never dated any Indian women).  They also loved Kelly’s carpaccio, and thought it was a smart dish to do considering there was no electricity at the venue to heat things up.  And Tiffany, even though she had immunity, wanted to show she could make a delicious meaty Tamale.

Speaking of delicious meaty Tamales - Chef José announces that Tiffany “deed the best” – and she wins!  Then Tiffany receives another pleasant surprise - Padma announces she will receive $10,000.  The wedding cocktail umbrellas are paid for!!!

In the bottom we have Alex (how do you say “Fail” in Spanish?), Stephen (Brazilian Steak in a light Urine Sauce), and Ed (Chinese Duck)

The judges, especially Gail and the Boobies, HATED Stephen’s dish.  The rice was overcooked and mealy, and the chimichurri sauce wasn't Brazilian – it’s Argentinian.

They also hated Alex’s Spanish dish (Chef José called it a “Leetle Nightmare”) and Ed’s “Sweet & Sour Duck”.  Sweet and Sour – just like the Chinese Chicks Ed dated.  Actually, that would be mostly “sour”.

In the end, Stephen is told to Pack His Knives and Go.  Of the three on the bottom, he was the most boring, so the producers judges made a smart choice from a reality TV standpoint in sending him home.

And now Stephen is free to pee in peace…