On the last episode of
Design Star, ‘D Paul Diddy Diddy Dum Diddy Doo’ went back to the Bayou, and Tracee continued her long streak of stank.
This week, a mysterious note is left in the kitchen, telling the designtestants to pack their bags, grab their passports, and head to the airport. Everyone screams and yells and jumps up and down, expecting a trip to some exotic destination.
At the airport, Clive dramatically enters, and tells the designers that the paint cans before them contain the name of a country, and one can is blank. The designers open their cans, and either ‘Mexico’, ‘Italy’, or ‘Thailand’ is revealed. Gay Michael gets the blank one, and can choose any destination he desires. He picks Spain, because he’s “been there a million times”. I’ve been to New Jersey a million times, but I certainly wouldn’t pick Newark if given a choice of destination.
Clive gets them all pumped up about traveling, and then the airport hangar door opens to reveal the infamous “White Rooms” that the designtestants will be working in. As usual, they have been misled by Clive and the producers – no one will be traveling today. LIES! And besides, did anything think that HGTV had the budget to send these bitches around the world? They're lucky to have enough gas money for those rent-a-vans.
The challenge is to design a room inspired by the country they have picked. The designers have 12 hours, and $500 to spend at Michael’s craft store. They will get 2 gallons of paint, and use of the “Love Sac” sectionals which are already in the rooms. I don’t want to sit on ANYTHING called a “Love Sac” – it sounds nasty and unsanitary.
Time for shopping! Mikey V (who is rockin’ a tank top LIKE NO OTHER) goes directly for the Thai Tiki Torches. Gay Michael, who speaks like Terry the gay hooker from
Reno 911, tries to use the term “ferosh”. Honey, if you aren't Christian “Mango” Siriano, then you should NOT use that word. Michael states that everyone will be surprised when he becomes the next
Design Star. No one will be more surprised than me.
Stephanie is working the boobies and picking up decorative branches, while Tracee is working the stank and predicting a big win. Matt, as always, is “super excited!” about this challenge. But why is he wearing a bath towel on his head?
Back at the White Rooms, Gay Michael keeps going into Stank Tracee’s room and telling her how absolutely fabulous it is, all the while rolling his eyes behind her back. Lies! Then he walks around to Mikey V and the others and talks about Tracee like a dog. Seriously, that’s just being evil. Along with “ferosh”, Michael’s other catch phrase this week is “Tee-Ragic” (“tragic”). As in: “Gay Michael’s incessant use of catch phrases is Tee-Ragic”.
Wait, did Mikey V just use the word “drama”? And did he just check out Gay Michael’s ass?!? Lordy, Mikey V IS gay! And has horrible judgment when it comes to scoping ass!!
Clive does his traditional visitations, and even HE is rolling his eyes behind Tracee’s back (and, I’m sure, thinking “Tee-Ragic!”). Tracee has decided that everyone is being nice to her now because she’s such a strong competitor. Yeah, that MUST BE it. Meanwhile, she LOVES her “Italian” room – which looks more like Cruella Deville’s bedroom, if Cruella lived in a whorehouse. The worse the room gets, the more confident Tracee gets. Remember children, stank messes with your mind!
Matt has decided to go “high concept”, and build an abstraction of a Thai Buddhist temple out of the Love Sac. What he ends up with is a living room couch-cushion “fort” with lights. It looks like it was conceptualized when MATT was “high”.
Mikey V, Gay Michael, and Stephanie are finished. Matt is trying to throw SOMETHING together and compares his efforts to “swabbing the deck of the Titanic” (
VERN YIP – DEAD AHEAD!!!!). Tracee is hot-gluing crystals to her “chandelier” wall painting (talk about perfuming a pig…). Mikey is laughing at Tracee (behind her back, of course) and say’s “she’s a mess”. Goodness, not only is he gay – he’s a Catty Gay!!!! Me-ow!
Gay Michael, continuing his LIES!, is now HELPING Tracee – all the while telling her how good her room is. Tracee just KNOWS she’s going straight to the top this week. All the fabulous Gays say so!!!
Time’s up, and they head into the green room – where they are greeted by some bald guy and a midget. I don’t watch HGTV, so I have no idea who they are. The midget, however, is ADORABLE. Her name sounded like “carport” – and I’m sure she’s an inspiration to midgets everywhere. Or do they call themselves “Little People” these days?...
Anywhoo, the designtestants make their way to the Elimination Studio, and stand before Martha, Vern, and Cynthia. Clive does his usual “when your monitor goes off, your show has been cancelled” routine. Is it just me, or is this whole “cutting off your cable” thing just a little bit cheesy?
The judges really likee Jennifer’s ceramic-inspired Italian room, and Stephanie’s poolside Mexican cabana. Trish and Mikey V also seem to do well.
Tracee, on the other hand, isn’t nearly as successful as the Gays said she’d be. Lies! Cruella Deville’s Whorehouse bedroom is Tee-Ragic indeed! Vern says “I hate it”. ‘Nuf said.
Gay Michael is also on the bottom – with a Spanish room that Martha said could be “Barcelona, Bayonne, Baton Rouge, ...”. I want to know the last time Martha McCully, Executive Editor for InStyle magazine, was in friggin’ Bayonne, NJ. Maybe they have a printing plant there or something. Or a Love Sac outlet store…
Finally, Matt's cushion fort also lands him in the bottom. The judges no likee, saying it was “too abstract” – which is a nice way of saying “How HIGH were you when you thought of this!??”.
The designers go back to the green room to cry, lay blame, and hate on each other. Gay Michael is sobbing and Tracee is STILL clueless about how bad her room is, asking “Did is suck or something”. No darling, it was PERFECT. If Michael would just stop crying, he could have given Tracee a catty “Tee-Ragic”, but that bitch’s gay timing is off due to hysterics.
They go back in front of the judges, and Martha (fresh from her vacation in Bayonne, New Jersey) tells them that in the past, the “White Wall” challenges showed who was headed for Design Stardom. Based on today’s results, she says, they are ALL pretty sucky. However, that means that any one of them could be the next
Design Star. Except the person they are getting ready to kick to the curb. And Tracee.
Jennifer and Stephanie are the winners – and Mikey V and Trish did well enough to continue on. That leaves Gay Michael, Matt, and Tracee.
“Michael – your show has been cancelled”
WHAT?!? HE went home and Stank Tracee is still here?!? That is just wrong. They obviously weren’t going to send Matt home due to his past brilliance, and decided that Tracee’s stank makes for good television, which is just WRONG.
I know you all think I’m going to say something catty about Michael crying and wanting his Mama. Well, you think wrong. Michael actually made ME cry when he said “I want my Mom right now” – because that’s exactly what THIS gay boy says when things go wrong. We love our Mamas…
Buh-Bye Terry, er, GAY MICHAEL! It was a “Tee-Ragedy” that you had to leave!!!!
Next week, some Country Ho wants everyone to get shabby chic. Till then bitches!!!
City Council Speaker (and out Lesbian) Christine Quinn, NY Governor David Patterson, and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg.
Grand Marshall and transsexual actress Candis Cayne (Dirty Sexy Money). Candis moved to NYC at about the same time I did, and I remember seeing HIM (yes, him) at Boybar, and buying gum from him when he worked as a cigarette boy at Roxy.
IT'S MR. SULU, BITCHES!!!!!!!!
