DISCLAIMER: This recap may not make much sense. I gave up carbs yesterday and my body thinks Armageddon is upon us. I’m exhausted, have a headache, and can’t concentrate. Which reminds me of something EXTREMELY important I must tell you…
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What? Wait... Oh, hell – I forgot. Damn carb withdrawals.
Anywhore, last week on Project Runway, Seth Aaron and Emilio were co-winners, and Amy was sent home for not knowing the difference between the Upper East Side (Manhattan) and Akron ( Ohio)
This week opens in the apartments, where the fashiontestants awaken and prepare for their latest challenge. Jonathan is still upset about Amy’s aufing – but that’s not the only thing he should be upset about. Jonathan needs to take note of how horrible he looks on TV right now. This competition has NOT been kind to Jonathan’s face – he is puffy, scruffy, and paler than a Nazi baby’s butt. Come on girl – this isn’t Survivor - you’re allowed to shower and shave on Project Runway!!
The designers see Heidi on the runway, and she tells them to meet Tim in the workroom where they will receive their challenge. In the workroom Mr. Gunn introduces designer Vivienne Tam to the fashiontestants.
Tim explains that they will have the opportunity to design their own fabric this week – which will serve as the core of their look. Then Miss Tam does a 1 minute HP/Intel infomercial blah blah blah…
The designers have one hour to play on the shiny new HP computers and create their prints. Everyone thinks this is the coolest thing since the invention of scissors, and at least half of them state “I’ve never made my own fabric before!”. Yeah, see that’s kinda THE DEAL – designers at their level usually don't have the opportunity to do this. This is the whole point of the challenge, Einsteins.
Once they have digitally created their fabric (which will be delivered in the morning), the designers head over to Mood for additional fabrics. While there, Anthony states that the color swatches he is trying to concentrate on “look like Algebra!”. I believe there’s a formula for that:
(x + 1)(y - silk charmeuse) = y ÷ organza2 + cotton twill
It all seems very complicated – although that could just be my lack of carbs.
Back in the workroom the designers get busy. Anthony accurately compares Mila’s print to Legos (Mila’s print IS very “Crayola basic colors”) – but poor Jonathan can barely see his design on the printer copy of his work (his print is very “amoebas under a microscope"). Jonathan hopes his actual fabric is a bit darker.
We interrupt this program to bring you the following segment: “Getting SASSY with Anthony!”…
Anthony seems to be extra-entertaining in the workroom this week. Here are some highlights:
- Anthony blames Beyonce for all the problems in his life. He explains that Beyonce’s songs make you feel “like a size four” who can conquer the world. But, he wonders, “Do you think Beyonce has any songs about people who lost their jobs?”. I’m willing to bet it was really “If I Were A Boy” that tugged the most on Anthony’s heartstrings.
- Anthony also talks about Oprah and the fact that when/if (?) he had the chance to see The Oprah Winfrey Show, it wasn’t during the “Favorite Things” episode. It just so happened to be the “I’m addicted to watching dirty things on the internet” episode.
- Anthony's Uncle Leroy happens to be thusly addicted (see above). And I’m sure Uncle Leroy appreciates his business being put out in the street like that.
- Finally, Anthony mentions that even when he is somber, sad, angry, disgusted, disappointed, melancholy or irritated – people still laugh at what he says. Perhaps then he should keep his mouth shut. Just saying.
Day One is finished and the designers head back to the apartments where Seth Aaron is allowed to call his wife. Nice try lazy producers, but if you think this “fake ‘em out” phone call is going to convince me Seth Aaron is going home, then you are sadly mistaken. Besides, there was hardly any crying.
The next morning the fashiontestants return to the workroom where their fabrics await them. Everyone freaks out (OMG! FABRICGASM!!) when they see their designs translated into actual textiles. Anthony takes it a bit further, telling his fabric “I LOVE you and I don’t even know you yet!”. If I had a nickel for every time I said that…
Emilio’s print (below) uses his name (Emilio Sosa) as graffiti – although he uses a ♥ instead of an “O”. But Mila can’t seem to read Emilio’s graffiti or figure out what it means. Maybe she just gave up carbs also.
Tim comes in for visits and “talk-to-me’s”. He too can’t see/read es♥sa – thinking the “SA” has something to do with Seth Aaron.
Emilio gets more and more frustrated while talking to Tim about this - and seems horrified that anyone (including Tim) would question his fabulosity. The funniest thing about this segment is that the more frustrated Emilio gets, the more his tongue gets in the way and the more noticeable his lisp becomes. By the end of the conversation he sounds like Barbara Walters on Novocain.
After Tim leaves, Emilio claims that Mr. Gunn “mocked” his fabric – which is just not true. Tim simply had a hard time reading the initials, making me wonder if EVERYONE IN NEW YORK has given up carbs.
The models come in for fittings, and the stank talk begins. Emilio describes Mila’s dress as being like a “teepee”, and Mila questions Anthony’s taste level – adding that she just can’t see him in the final three. It’s the carb-withdrawals talking, I’m telling ya - they'll make you nasty!
Anthony says a bunch of stuff at this time, but I was too lethargic to take accurate notes. Here’s what I got:
“Incredible”
“Cumbersome”
“Conundrum”
“Reality”
“What may happen tomorrow”
Yeah, I’m not sure what any of that means either.
Day Two ends and Runway Day is finally here. Over in Anthony/Jay/Seth Aaron’s apartment, Anthony comments that Jay’s green pants make him look like a “gay Christmas ornament”. Of course he does, because everybody knows there is no such thing as a STRAIGHT Christmas Ornament. Even the ones with the little baby Jeebus in the manger...
They head to the workroom and Tim recites his L’Oreal / Garnier / Bluefly / HP / Intel mantra.
More stank talk ... Anthony thinks Jonathan might be in trouble for his “pale” look. He says the dress is pale, the model is pale, and Jonathan is pale (Anthony has a touch of "Whiteyphobia"). In fact, “Everything is pale as Hell!!!”, Anthony declares – adding that he’d like to throw a bucket of paint over the whole thing. Coincidentally, I would like to throw a bucket of biscuits and gravy down my throat right now, but I guess this really isn’t about me.
Jonathan notices that Mila’s model can’t walk in her long dress; and Emilio declares that “nothing else in that room can top me”. Except Seth Aaron … you know Emilio would totally let Seth hit that (Proof: "E.S. ♥ S.A"!!!!!!).
It’s time for the runway show. Heidi introduces the judges – Michael, Nina and Vivienne Tam. Let’s start the show…
Highlights:
- When Emilio’s look walks down the runway, he declares “We got this”. Confident much?!? It’s a decent look, but others might be better.
- Sure enough, Mila’s model has a lot of trouble walking in her long dress – even after she lifts up one side. I’ve never understood this – you are designing a garment for a RUNWAY SHOW, not a magazine editorial. THE MODEL HAS TO BE ABLE TO MOVE IN IT!!!
- When Anthony sees his model, he declares that she “looks like a LADY”, which was his goal. Newsflash for Anthony: Dame Edna (below) also looks like a lady, but her look won’t get you to Bryant Park…
At the end of the show, Heidi declares that Gay Christmas Ornament Jay is safe. The rest remain on stage.
The judges absolutely fall over themselves praising Emilio’s outfit – with Michael Kors saying “You nailed it”. I guess maybe Emilio DOES “got this”.
They also likee Maya’s “electric” print, and Seth Aaron’s pop art-inspired look.
On the other hand, they hate Mila’s unwalkable 1970’s teepee dress – which Michael describes as a “Mexican Serape Gay Flag”. Mexican Serape Gay Flag garments are SOOOOOO last season…
On the runway, Anthony tries to charm the judges (as usual) but Michael and Nina cut him off. Heidi mentions that they see the same thing from Anthony every week – a pretty dress with some decorations.
The judges also don’t like Jonathan’s look – with Michael being especially harsh. Michael describes the jacket as a “Disco Straightjacket” and the print (below) as “a dirty tablecloth with food randomly spilled on it”.
Jonathan angrily replies that Michael’s description is “preposterous”. At that point Michael makes the model put the jacket back on, all-the-while berating the look. He was so evil that even Nina had to laugh.
But Nina’s smile didn’t last long. She actually seems angry that Jonathan would make her look at something so hideous, calling it a “full-on catastrophe” which was “beyond upsetting”. Nina adds that when she looks at the dress, the only emotion she feels is 'sadness'.
“Isn’t ‘sad’ an emotion?!!”, Jonathan snaps. Yes girl, but so is ‘loathing’, ‘disgust’ and ‘anger’ – none of which I would suggest evoking in Meana Garzilla.
The judges discuss privately and then bring the designers back out for the results…
Emilio is the winner. He was right – he DID “got this”.
This leaves Seth Aaron and Maya as safe.
Mila is also safe. Wait. What?!? The dress that the model couldn’t move in is safe?!?! WTF???
Which leaves Anthony and Jonathan. Anthony for walking the same look down the runway week after week, and Jonathan for his bizarre/sad/disco/tablecloth extravaganza. And the person going home is …
Anthony. WHAT?!? I CALL SHENANIGANS!! SHENANIGANS!!! The judges spent the entire time berating Jonathan (almost to tears) and ripping apart Mila’s outfit – and they sent ANTHONY home?!? That is a hot, steaming pile of you-know-what...
But Anthony, always the funny/entertaining one, leaves with a smile and some departing words of wisdom …
“You don’t have to have the crown to be the queen”
Buh-bye Anthony – I’ll miss you. And now I need to go find some biscuits to help me cope with these “sad” emotions…
