Back to reality! When we last saw our intrepid designers, they had been transported to “Bizarro Project Runway” where everything was the opposite of the norm. In this weird world, Jolly Chris was evil, Mumbling Monotone Jillian was emotional and stressed, Rami was stoned, and Ricky somehow won a challenge. That was then, this is now…
This episode opens with the two remaining (biological) women discussing their chances of making it to the end – and vowing not to let the boys be the only ones who finish. Jillian is obviously back on her medication… “mumble, mumble … competition … mumble, mumble … Bryant Park…mumble, mumble”. Welcome back Jillian!
The “boys” are also discussing the fact that the competition is almost over, and Mango/Christian bitches about the “Hot Messes” that still remain. Specifically, he complains about Ricky’s winning design from the last episode – and the fact that the garment wasn’t seamed and had ruffles. I’m so glad things are back to normal.
Ricky bitches about being the Rodney Dangerfield of Project Runway – “no respect” – but vows to continue fighting. He does NOT want to go back to go-go dancing at the Rawhide for tips. He’s a “designer” now!
The designers head to the runway to receive their challenge. Heidi is rocking a metallic sparkly number – and begins the boring model selection. “This is a competition for you as well…” (action comes to a screeching halt, as always). This is always the perfect opportunity for me to pee and grab a snack, because I couldn’t care less which one of these skinny bitches stays or goes.
Heidi tells the designers they will receive their challenge from Tim the next morning. Back at the apartment the designers contemplate what this mysterious challenge may be. Cocktail dresses?, dressing a celebrity?, swimsuits?. Chris hopes aloud that they might be dressing drag queens, but he ALWAYS designs for a drag queen no matter WHAT the challenge is. Note to Chris – you don’t have to hide the Adam’s Apple on female models…
The next morning, Tim announces they are taking another field trip, and everybody piles into the elevator. The elevator opens outside of the Runway Auditorium doors – they have arrived at their destination. There are weird, loud noises coming from behind the doors. These noises are described as “war noise”, “violent”, and “scary”. Sweet P says it sounded like “people killing each other”. Mango, on the other hand, describes the noise as “sexual” and “sex moans”. I’d LOVE to know what kind of perverted sex Mango is having! Kinky bitch!!
The door opens to reveal six female wrestlers in a ring. These bitches are KILLING EACH OTHER – throwing, tackling, and knocking each other around. The designers look frightened – all except Chris, who obviously has decided these women are as close to Drag Queens as he’s going to get.
Tim introduces the “Divas” from the WWE. I didn’t even realize they still had female wrestlers, although I do remember those rough and tumble “G.L.O.W.” girls from the 80’s. The “Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling” – now THAT was some entertaining shit. Or was that gorgeous LESBIANS of wrestling…?
This episode opens with the two remaining (biological) women discussing their chances of making it to the end – and vowing not to let the boys be the only ones who finish. Jillian is obviously back on her medication… “mumble, mumble … competition … mumble, mumble … Bryant Park…mumble, mumble”. Welcome back Jillian!
The “boys” are also discussing the fact that the competition is almost over, and Mango/Christian bitches about the “Hot Messes” that still remain. Specifically, he complains about Ricky’s winning design from the last episode – and the fact that the garment wasn’t seamed and had ruffles. I’m so glad things are back to normal.
Ricky bitches about being the Rodney Dangerfield of Project Runway – “no respect” – but vows to continue fighting. He does NOT want to go back to go-go dancing at the Rawhide for tips. He’s a “designer” now!
The designers head to the runway to receive their challenge. Heidi is rocking a metallic sparkly number – and begins the boring model selection. “This is a competition for you as well…” (action comes to a screeching halt, as always). This is always the perfect opportunity for me to pee and grab a snack, because I couldn’t care less which one of these skinny bitches stays or goes.
Heidi tells the designers they will receive their challenge from Tim the next morning. Back at the apartment the designers contemplate what this mysterious challenge may be. Cocktail dresses?, dressing a celebrity?, swimsuits?. Chris hopes aloud that they might be dressing drag queens, but he ALWAYS designs for a drag queen no matter WHAT the challenge is. Note to Chris – you don’t have to hide the Adam’s Apple on female models…
The next morning, Tim announces they are taking another field trip, and everybody piles into the elevator. The elevator opens outside of the Runway Auditorium doors – they have arrived at their destination. There are weird, loud noises coming from behind the doors. These noises are described as “war noise”, “violent”, and “scary”. Sweet P says it sounded like “people killing each other”. Mango, on the other hand, describes the noise as “sexual” and “sex moans”. I’d LOVE to know what kind of perverted sex Mango is having! Kinky bitch!!
The door opens to reveal six female wrestlers in a ring. These bitches are KILLING EACH OTHER – throwing, tackling, and knocking each other around. The designers look frightened – all except Chris, who obviously has decided these women are as close to Drag Queens as he’s going to get.
Tim introduces the “Divas” from the WWE. I didn’t even realize they still had female wrestlers, although I do remember those rough and tumble “G.L.O.W.” girls from the 80’s. The “Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling” – now THAT was some entertaining shit. Or was that gorgeous LESBIANS of wrestling…?
Anywhoo, Tim declares that that the Divas are “fierce indeed!”, and the ladies introduce themselves. They all have stripper names: Krystal (with a K), Torrie, Layla, etc. Last, but not least, “Candice Michelle” introduces herself as the current champion and “sex kitten”. She then lustily rips off her robe and shows everybody her extensive plastic surgery. Honey, this may work for those gorillas who watch wrestling, but these straight girls and fags have NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER. Begone – those melons have no power here!
The designers are to create outfits for the Divas to wear in the ring. Their budget is $100 – which they will spend at…wait for it…The Spandex House! I LOVE the fact that I live in a city with a store called The Spandex House!! I plan on doing all my shopping there from now on.
The designers get to choose their Diva clients, and Ricky picks first . He does some racial profiling and picks Layla because she “looks Latina”. Cootchie Cootchie! The rest of the designers pick a stripper, er, DIVA, and everyone heads back to the workroom for 30 minutes of consultation.
Chris is immediately “in the zone”. His Diva, Maria, is wearing a leopard print, and the two of them bond over their similar (tacky) tastes. Maria even gives us a little “meow” and does a cat-like clawing motion with her paws/hands. If this wrestling thing doesn’t work out, she can always audition for the traveling production of “Cats”. I just hope she doesn’t have to use the litter box…
Rami is immediately put off by the tackiness of this challenge. I’m getting ready for him to tell us how he grew up in Jerusalem, where it’s “politically complicated”…but he spares us his geopolitical analysis this time. His client, Torrie, tries to project “innocence, yet sexy”. Well, that DID work for Britney Spears…for a while anyway.
Sweet P’s client (Candice with the melons) likes “sparkly stuff”…and ponies…and wildflowers…and frogs…and midgets. And she’d like all of these things included in her outfit. Candice is known as the “classy sexpot”. “Sexpot” – maybe. “Classy” – not so much. Sweet P is visibly frightened.
Mango immediately bonds with his client – Krystal (with a K). They start plotting a “leather and lace” number with chaps and various “cutouts”. Judging by Mango’s apparent sex life, this should be a piece of cake. He probably has a similar outfit in his suitcase back in the apartment. Kinky bitch!
Ricky is talking some shit about “fun” again, and how he uses the same approach to designing spandex as he does evening gowns (whatevs!). If he says anything about making hats out of spandex, I will turn off the television and never watch Project Runway again. Luckily he doesn’t. Ricky’s client (Layla) looks skeptical…
The designers head over to Spandex House. Chris immediately proceeds to the green leopard department, Ricky goes to the Latina aisle (orange and gold section), and Mango hits up leather, and then lace. “Thank you Spandex House!”.
Back to the workroom. The designers have until midnight, and then all day tomorrow to get their outfits finished. Make it work!
Jillian is worried that “if I design the wrong thing, she might body slam me”, after viewing DVD’s of her Diva in action. Rami is…wait for it…DRAPING shorts and a bra – in Pepto Bismol pink. How in the HELL do you drape shorts and a bra??? Mango is going to town on his S&M look – pronouncing it “so fierce” (natch), while telling Sweet P that she is using the “tackiest fabric in the world”.
In fact, Mango describes Sweet P’s fabric as “Tranny Ice Cream”. The Ben and Jerry’s people are probably putting that flavor into production AS WE SPEAK. It will taste like mascara, Jean Naté, and cheap vodka. Delish!
The next morning, the designers return to the sweatshop, er, WORKROOM to continue working. Chris is totally in his element – and is gloating over the fact that some of the other designers (Rami) are horrified that this is such a tacky challenge. Chris LIVES for tacky. His goal is to create a look for his Diva that screams “Animal in a Cage” – which also happens to be the name of the S&M club that Mango frequents. Kinky bitch!
Sweet P is still having trouble. Candice’s “shtick” is “Robe and Reveal”. Which confirms that fact that Candice is basically a stripper. Sweet P is trying to go in a more “pinup girl” direction – away from the “cheesy stripper” act. I don’t know WHERE she’s going to put those frogs and midgets…
On to Jillian. The blue outfit with the short-shorts she is designing looks familiar to me. Where have I seen this before…?... Wait, I remember!
All of a sudden, Sweet P decides she needs a break and challenges the other designers to arm wrestle. Mango immediately steps up, and Sweet P tries to intimidate him with insults – “come here you skinny-armed twit!”. Them’s fighting words! They lock arms, and Mango starts squealing “My shoe is sliding!”, but eventually wins and declares himself a “Beast”. I wonder if he thinks the two of them just had "sex"? Probably not - there was no punching or tackling…
The Divas come in for a fitting, and Tim walks around offering advice. He goes over to Sweet P. Are we going to have another “tampon/maxi pad” moment?, or declaration of “Happy Hands at Home Granny Circle”? After all, Tim IS on a roll when describing Sweet P’s garments. Tim Gunn does NOT disappoint: Sweet P’s client “looks like she’s going to the WWE hospital”. Quick, we need a fashion doctor! Stat!
Mango has decided this challenge is officially fierce, his Diva is fierce, and the outfit he is designing is fierce. In fact, Krystal (with a K) is one of the fiercest bitches that Mango has ever met – “and I’ve met some fierce bitches up in my life!”. Krystal (with a K) literally asks Mango to marry her. It would be a match made in heaven – they could throw each other around, er, “have sex” all the time! After all, Mango is a “beast”.
Mango is also feeling saintly and charitable today. Ricky asks for a snap, and Mango generously gives him one. Of course Mango doesn’t even look at Ricky, and also doesn't give him any “advice”. The “advice” Mango declined to offer was basically the fact that Ricky is designing a sucky bathing suit – and it is NOT fierce. Mango’s role model this episode is obviously Mother Theresa.
In the sewing room, the designers are trying to figure out what THEIR Diva names would be – and what powers they would have. Sweet P decides her name would be “Spread Eagle” – she would be “very 70’s” and crush her opponents with her powerful thighs. Chris would be “Wonder Woman”, and smother men with her massive breasts.
But Mango, of course, has the best Diva persona EVER! His Diva would be called “Ferosha Coutura” – and would spray enemies in their eyes with hairspray! I bet Ferosha uses AquaNet – that shit could KILL a bitch. Here is Ms. Coutura sneaking up on an unsuspecting victim:
The Divas come in for a fitting, and Tim walks around offering advice. He goes over to Sweet P. Are we going to have another “tampon/maxi pad” moment?, or declaration of “Happy Hands at Home Granny Circle”? After all, Tim IS on a roll when describing Sweet P’s garments. Tim Gunn does NOT disappoint: Sweet P’s client “looks like she’s going to the WWE hospital”. Quick, we need a fashion doctor! Stat!
Mango has decided this challenge is officially fierce, his Diva is fierce, and the outfit he is designing is fierce. In fact, Krystal (with a K) is one of the fiercest bitches that Mango has ever met – “and I’ve met some fierce bitches up in my life!”. Krystal (with a K) literally asks Mango to marry her. It would be a match made in heaven – they could throw each other around, er, “have sex” all the time! After all, Mango is a “beast”.
Mango is also feeling saintly and charitable today. Ricky asks for a snap, and Mango generously gives him one. Of course Mango doesn’t even look at Ricky, and also doesn't give him any “advice”. The “advice” Mango declined to offer was basically the fact that Ricky is designing a sucky bathing suit – and it is NOT fierce. Mango’s role model this episode is obviously Mother Theresa.
In the sewing room, the designers are trying to figure out what THEIR Diva names would be – and what powers they would have. Sweet P decides her name would be “Spread Eagle” – she would be “very 70’s” and crush her opponents with her powerful thighs. Chris would be “Wonder Woman”, and smother men with her massive breasts.
But Mango, of course, has the best Diva persona EVER! His Diva would be called “Ferosha Coutura” – and would spray enemies in their eyes with hairspray! I bet Ferosha uses AquaNet – that shit could KILL a bitch. Here is Ms. Coutura sneaking up on an unsuspecting victim:
By the way, MY Diva name would be “Fanny Allred” – who spanks her enemies with a huge wooden spoon. No Mom, I did NOT model this after you (well, not MUCH anyway). Love you Mom!
Tim comes in for some more critiquing. He approaches Ricky, who shows him the orange and gold “South Of The Border” fabrics he is using. Tim declares that it's “a little Wonder Woman!”. Maybe Ricky could make one for Chris’ Diva persona – in a MUCH bigger size, of course.
Rami is still bitching about how this challenge isn’t his thing. Tim is concerned with the Pepto Pink color.
Tim likee Jillian’s “Debbie Does Dallas” homage, and he also likee Mango’s creation. “It is fierce”, Tim decides.
And then he goes over to the train wreck known as Sweet P. Words and phrases such as “concerned”, “unrefined”, “Oh God!”, “Jesus!”, and finally “Eva Gabor in Green Acres” are uttered. Needless to say – Tim no likee.
Mango, continuing his charitable ways, piles it on Sweet P by saying her outfit is “hideous”, and “really ugly”. That Mango is a giver! Sweet P realizes that she has designed a sack of shit, and is desperately trying to figure out how to fix it, without pissing off her Diva. Maybe some more frogs...
Commercial break. L’Oreal Preference featuring Heather Locklear! I need Heather’s makeup person, hair person, lighting person, and plastic surgeon to come live with me. The bitch looks like she is still 17 years old – and we all know she’s more like 107. Now THAT’S fierce.
It’s the morning of the runway show, and the designers are preparing for their big day. Rami is gazing out the window, Ricky is shirtless (he better get back into go-go dancing shape!), and did they just show JILLIAN shaving her mustache with an electric razor!?! I swear it was her…
Back in the workroom, Sweet P is scrambling to “fix” her outfit. She is experimenting with a white feather boa. She finally decides the boa is too “Big Bird”, and Mango chimes in and describes it as “Chewbacca”. Sweet P wisely decides to hide the feathers – or her client will want them added to the garment (somewhere between the pony and the wildflowers). Diva Candice (with the melons) enters the room, and is actually somewhat happy with the “finished” product. They decide to throw some more rhinestones on it for good luck. THAT ought to fix it!
Chris has put on his lucky leopard big boy blouse – to match the leopard “superhero” outfit he has created for Grizabella, er, Maria. The last time Chris wore this shirt, he and Mango (“Team Fierce”) won the couture challenge. Chris is SERIOUS about green leopard spandex – watch out bitches!
Ricky’s Diva Layla is looking worried about the orange bathing suit and lamé smock he has made. Ricky calls the smock a “dress”. Honey, you can call yourself “Coco Chanel” but that doesn’t make you talented. We could be headed for some tears.
Mango is thrilled with his creation (as is his client). He is shown hairspraying his own hair. Watch out – Ferosha Coutura is here! Cover your eyes!
Sweet P just wants to get this over with. She keeps playing with Candice’s enormous silicon breasts. This is obviously an attempt to satisfy her client “by any means necessary”.
Time for the show. Heidi introduces the guest judges – Richie Rich and Traver Rains, former “club kids’ and current designers of the wacky “Heatherette” fashion line.
The Divas WORK the runway. I’d take these big-breasted bimbos over those skinny clothes hangers with legs any day! At least these gals have some style. Candice does her “robe and reveal” stripper act AGAIN. The gals and gays are STILL not impressed.
When Rami’s model comes down the runway in bright Barbie pink, he is visibly horrified by his own creation. It “looks like I’ve been smoking crack”, he says. Well, last week he was totally smoking weed – maybe he’s moved up to something with a little more “kick”. After all children, marijuana is just a “stepping stone to the hard drugs”…
Everyone is called to the runway for judging. Michael Kors makes a disclaimer – saying he felt like a fish out of water because judging spandex wrestling outfits is apparently not his forté. He feels VERY out of place – like “the Pope at a sex club”. Now I know you all expect me to RUN with that last statement, but I refuse to go there – it’s just too easy. However, I WILL say this – the current Pope is known to wear bright red Prada slippers, sometimes with a matching hat. And, after all, before he was the Pope he WAS a Catholic Priest. That’s all I’m saying…
Jillian: They like her girl-next-door, sexy tomboy, Debbie Does Dallas number – as does her client. It’s describe as “sporty with an edge” – the “edge” apparently being that one can star in a Porno while wearing it.
Rami tries to convince the judges that his outfit is “all American good girl”, while being “flirty”. Michael Kors thinks that should be more “pink and white gingham gone bad” – whatever the hell that means. Nina HATES the color. Richie thinks it’s too “frou-frou”.
The judges love Mango’s “leather and lace” outfit, which made Krystal (with a K) feel like “such a vamp” (didn’t she mean “tramp”?). Richie Rich says it reminds him of Vanity, or Prince (think “Purple Rain”). Apparently this is a good thing in Richie’s universe. Traver says Mango “took it there”, and Nina liked the fact that it is sexy without being too revealing.
Sweet P says she’s going for “retro glamour”, but all Traver is concerned about is that one of Candice’s bazoomba’s might pop out and hurt someone. And as I’ve said before, NOBODY wants to see that. Candice kind of throws The P under the bus by expressing her disappointment in her outfit. Cheesy strippers can NOT be trusted. Michael calls the robe “chewed up” and Richie thinks Sweet P was designing with a drag queen in mind. No silly, that’s Chris.
Speaking of Big Chris, everybody loves his jungle look – even Nina Garcia. I bet Nina’s underlings are totally laughing behind her back today in the Elle offices… “Psst…come here…did you see the show last night? Nina actually LIKED that horrible LEOPARD SPANDEX HOODIE – with GLOVES!” I hope her publisher wasn’t watching, or Nina might be soon be looking for work. The outfit is also described as flattering and expensive looking. Our big leopard is in it to win it!
Everybody hates Ricky’s orange bathing suit – although Nina says it wouldn’t be bad if the CHALLENGE was to create a bathing suit…for a Latina…on Mars. Michael Kors describes the blousy outer-garment as a “disco haircutting smock”. I never realized you could get drinks, cocaine, sex, AND a haircut at Studio 54. You learn something new every day.
Judges like Mango/Chris/Jillian. They hate Ricky/Sweet P/Rami.
Time for the results:
Jillian is IN.
Chris is the WINNER! Maria will be wearing the outfit in an upcoming match.
Ferosha Coutura reaches for the AquaNet (watch out Chris!), but gets a “good job” from Heidi. Mango is safe and leaves the runway before he can blind anyone.
Rami is also safe.
That leaves us with Ricky and Sweet P – not exactly shocking, is it?
Sweet P is safe. Ricky is going home.
And get this – the bitch doesn’t cry! How come he would cry at the stupidest things (recalling his Mamacita, winning a challenge, Wednesdays), but he gets SENT HOME and doesn’t shed a tear!?! He says because of Project Runway, he now has a “stronger sense of self” and has “learned not to fear what others think”.
He just better hope they have lots of drunken customers with dollar bills at the Rawhide – because that’s where we’ll see him next. Shake what your Mama gave ya Ricky!
Till next week bitches!
