Top Chef Apartment Building Goes Bankrupt

20 Bayard, the Williamsburg Brooklyn building (above) which housed the Top Chef Season Five Cheftestants, has filed for bankruptcy - according to Gothamist. I guess they could never rid the building of that Leah/Hosea hookup stench...

That STILL grosses me out. Anywhore, you may recall I posted back in January that the actual Top Chef apartment (below) was for rent ... for $12,000 a month! I wonder how that worked out?

Top Chef Reunion Show Tonight

It's time for the Top Chef Reunion Special on Bravo tonight. Who do you think will win fan favorite?

If all goes well (you never know with me these days), I should have something to say about the show tomorrow. Not a true recap (the reunion shows don't have a clear storyline), but I'm sure I'll have some thoughts.

Watch what happens, bitches.

For Stefan...

Top Chef Season Five Finale - Ewwwwwww

FYI – I did NOT write a recap of last night’s Finale of Top Chef. First of all, making the last episode of any reality show sound funny is next to impossible, unless Christian “Mango” Siriano happens to be competing. The contestants are always concentrating on winning and are NOT trying to entertain – so finding bits and pieces of funny crap to write about is really difficult.

Secondly, I knew I had a lot of real-life work stuff to do today – so I wouldn’t have a lot of time for writing. And finally, I have had a case of the blues lately – and I just didn’t fucking feel like it.

So, now that the excuses are out of the way – I want to say how disappointed I was in last night’s outcome. Hosea?? Seriously??? No-balls Amish Boy??!!??

As Amuse-Biatch NOTED, Hosea's win was obviously the reason why Bravo felt the need to release a personal APOLOGY regarding Hosea's slurp-and-tickle episode with Leah. The statement was released right about the time the winner was chosen – so this makes sense. Call it “Early Damage Control”. And did you notice the kiss-on-the-lips between Leah and the Hose after he won? Ewwwwwwwww.

And for any of you who still think that Stefan is evil – get over it. Did you see him trying to comfort Carla? It was sweet and touching and from-the-heart. And anyone who can work with Marcel without shoving his face into hot oil must have some good in him somewhere.

Speaking of Carla – I KNEW when she started listening to Casey that it wasn’t going to go well. I truly believe that if Carla would have listened to her “Spirit Guides” instead, she could have won it all. Hootie Hoo, dear Carla ... Hootie Hoo...

And file this under “Gross” – Toby Young. I thought we were done with his smug British ass. Dust Bunny Kayce REPORTS that Toby is trying to return next season. DO NOT WANT! And I think it’s pretty obvious that Tom Colicchio feels the same way I do.


One last thing – Gail and her Boobies are just too fabulous for words. When she rolled her eyes at Rocco DiSpirito, my blues momentarily went away. And I just wanted her to stand up at Judges Table, walk over to Toby, and beat him with her Boobies. THAT would have been worth recapping.

Check out MinxEats for a proper (and hilarious) recap. And feel free to discuss last night’s episode in the comments section. Peace, bitches.

Top Chef Finale Tonight

Who do you think is going to win?

Top Chef Episode Thirteen - The Return of Blondie and the Boobs

On last week’s episode of Top Chef, the Cheftestants catered the Last Supper in New York before moving to New Orleans for the Finale. Fabio, despite breaking his finger, won – and Skanky Leah was sent back to whatever Escort Service … sorry … RESTAURANT she was working at.

This week’s episode opens with scenes from the great city of New Orleans. The four Cheftestants arrive, hug, and head to the Houmas House Plantation outside of the city. In front of the plantation’s main house, Padma, Tom, and Emeril Lagasse greet the 4 finalists. Noticeably, there are only 3 workstations for the Quickfire Challenge.

Padma informs the remaining Cheftestants to relax – they WON’T be cooking – but three other Chefs WILL be. Out of the house walks Jamie (and her tattoos), Jeff (and his hair), and Leah (and her Herpes medication). Leah immediately gives a suggestive glance to Hosea – it was subtle, but I managed to notice…


Padma informs everyone that Jamie, Jeff and Leah will be competing in a Crawfish Quickfire Challenge. They will have one hour to create their best Crawfish dish. The winner will get a second chance at making it to the Finale.

Leah decides to do a Gumbo – although she has never cooked Gumbo before. She has also never worked with Crawfish. Could someone please tell me WHAT Leah HAS done?!? Oh yeah….


Leah really should have spent more time practicing her craft. In the KITCHEN, anyway.

Jeff has quieted some of the many voices in his pretty head – and has decided to concentrate on ONE dish – Crawfish and Grits. Jamie is doing a Corncake with a Poached Egg and Crawfish Cream Sauce – hold the Scallops. They show Emeril watching all of this, Evita-style, from the mansion’s grand balcony before Padma tells everyone that time is up.

Emeril visits the three former losers. Leah, the culinary scholar, states “I made, like, a Crawfish Soup”. What happened to, like, Gumbo?? Jeff informs Emeril that he used some beer in his recipe (which Emeril seems to likee), and Jamie garnished her plate with a dead Crawfish. Because nothing says elegance like a dead crustacean.


Emeril announces that Jeff has won the Quickfire, and Padma informs Jeff that he must WIN the Elimination Challenge to remain in the competition. If Jeff wins, two of the final four will go home. If he does NOT win, Jeff and one of the final four will pack their knives and go.

The Cheftestants go to their hotel – the famed Monteleone – and break out some Champagne before getting ready for dinner at Emeril’s Delmonico restaurant.

At dinner, Carla is quiet and philosophical, Fabio is charming, Jeff keeps looking at his reflection in the shiny spoon, and Hosea and Stefan continue their ongoing dick-measuring contest. Between you and me, I bet they could SHARE one ruler and still have inches to spare. Stefan clarifies – “this is not a butt-rubbing contest”. Thank Goodness, because then Leah would have won it all.

The next day they take a pointless trip to Mardi Gras World – the huge warehouse where many of the floats from the various Mardi Gras parades are made and stored. Padma informs them that the Elimination Challenge will be to cater a Masquerade Ball for the Krewe of Orpheus tomorrow night. There will be 100 people, and it will be held at the New Orleans Museum of Art. They must create two dishes (one of them must be Creole), and one cocktail. They will have five hours to prep/cook at Emeril’s restaurant, and then one hour to set up at the museum.

Padma gives them a little extra incentive to win the challenge … "Tell them what they’re playing for, Johnny Gilbert … A NEW CAR!!!!”


Carla is ecstatic – so ecstatic that she pronounces “car” with two syllables (Fabio-style): “A ca - ar!”. Fabio eloquently informs us why he needs a new car – because his current car is a “piece of poo – oop”.

During one of those annoying between-the-commercials “vignettes”, we see the Cheftestants drinking back at the Hotel. Stefan recalls visiting Fabio at Halloween, and encountering a manly Italian in a blond wig…


It was enough to scare the hell out of poor Stefan.

Anywhore, the Cheftestants head over to Emeril’s restaurant the next day for prep. Fabio is impressed with the Emeril's setup. “This dude is-a faymoss”, Fabio says. “He has-a all kind of tools. He has-a da stove, he has-a da oven”. I’m no Chef, and I’m not a faymoss dude – but even I has-a da oven. It’s where I keep-a my pots and pans.

Carla is preparing an Oyster Stew – even though she only recently learned how to shuck Oysters. How many Oysters could a Hootie Hoo shuck, if a Hootie Hoo could shuck Oysters? We shall soon see.

Jeff’s many voices seem to have re-appeared, as he is creating a 17-part dish consisting of 3,853 individual ingredients. “It’s a lot of steps”, he states. No, blondie, Sylvester Stallone ran up a lot of steps in Rocky – YOU are trying to run up the Aztec Pyramid dedicated to the Sun God. Good luck with that.


Fabio, who is sporting the traditional Top Chef fauxhawk – as opposed to a blond wig – is making something that sounds like “Mack Truck” or “Big Mac” or “Mack Daddy”. Carla is talking to her Oysters – trying to get them to GO SHUCK THEMSELVES, I suppose. And Stefan isn’t cooking as much as he’s chain-smoking. And taunting Hosea with sausage/cock talk. Smoked sausage, I’m assuming.

Speaking of sausage, step # 1,381 in Jeff’s simple 3,853-step plan is making his own sausage. And only Jeff can stay this pretty while making sausage…


They pack up their crap and head to the Museum for set up. Their bartenders arrive, and the Chefs give them individual instructions. Fabio has pre-mixed everything, Carla is doing a non-alcoholic drink (since she doesn’t drink herself), and Stefan suggests they hurry up and get set up so they can go smoke. Hey, if he doesn’t become the Top Chef, Stefan could always be the Marlboro Man.

The judges arrived – in their masked finery. Emeril, Padma, Tom and … wait for it bitches … GAIL AND HER BOOBIES!! Let the GOOD TIMES ROLL!!! Gail looks rested, the girls look perky, and no one mentions AssHat Toby Young – it’s like he never existed. And all is right in my world.

The masked guests enter, and immediately start chowing down. The masks remind Fabio of an “old porn movie” (what kind of porn do they have in Italy?) – and he flirts with all the women. Some Queen, after tasting Fabio’s food, says it’s “like a parade in my mouth” – a scenario I’m sure Miss Thang will reenact somewhere on Bourbon Street later that evening.

All the big drunk gals are giving Carla the “Hootie Hoo” chant. Carla seems comfortable and confident – and tells us “it’s that love thing” that makes her food taste better. Emeril seems to really likee her food, and Gail raves about the “big and plump and juicy” oysters she got in her stew. Speaking of "big and plump and juicy" ... did I mention how much I missed Gail and her Boobies??

Service is over, and the Cheftestants head back to the Hotel Monteleone. Instead of a Storage Room, they hang out in the Not-So-Glad Hotel Room until Padma calls them all down for Judge’s Table.

The judges seem to likee Carla’s food. Gail said Carla's Beignet’s were “smoking hot!” and she could have popped them in her mouth all night. If Toby would have said that same shit I would have thrown a brick through my television. But when it comes out of Gail’s mouth, it’s covered in fairy dust and fabulousness.

The judges also seem to likee Hosea's food. According to Gail, his gumbo had the most developed flavor. And guess what, Gail made that statement without having to invoke a movie/actor/Elvis/toilet/drug kingpin analogy – like certain OTHER judges who no longer exist!

Finally, the judges also seemed to likee Jeff’s dishes. They definitely liked his cucumber mojito cocktail. But remember, Jeff has to be #1 to move into the final.

Team Europe doesn’t fare so well. Fabio’s drink was too sweet, and Stefan’s gumbo wasn’t as good as it could have been. Tom also calls out Stefan for being overconfident and even “cocky”. Unfortunately Stefan doesn’t hear this criticism, because he was in the Smoking Lounge at the time.

The Judge’s deliberate, make their decision, and call them all back in. The winner is Carla – she will be heading to the Finale. And she also wins A NEW CAR!!!

Unfortunately that means Jeff will be going back to the Dildo Beach club, where he belongs.

Hosea is also safe – which means either Stefan or Fabio will be going home…

“Fabio, please pack your knives and go.” Fabio leaves, and vows to “keek” Stefan’s ass if Stefan doesn’t win.

But don’t worry about our Italian Stallion. Something tells me we are going to see him on television soon. Let’s face it, he was MADE for TV. And, as Fabio himself said last night – “I didn’t came in dis cun-tree to be ava-rage”.

Next week – The Finale!!

Stefan and Fabio at an S&M Club...

Kinky bitches!! Actually, I stole this pic from Amuse Biatch, and I have no idea where it is from, or why Fabio is wearing Catwoman drag. But I happen to know that Fabio also owns a Wonder Woman costume...

Don't forget - Top Chef tonight @ 10:00 pm. Look for my recap tomorrow afternoon.

You can check out preview videos of tonight's New Orleans episode at MinxEats HERE.

>P, b.

Top Chef Episode Twelve - The Skank Must Go

First of all, I have to tell you that I’m writing this recap under severe duress. I have been fighting a cold for a week, and have been coughing up technicolor neon Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go green phlegm for days. Furthermore, I wasn’t able to re-watch last night’s episode (like I usually do) to fill in where my notes are lacking. The NyQuil kicked in at 11:00 pm, and I was out like a light. So don’t leave any comments saying “OMG – I can’t believe you didn’t mention the part where Fabio said “Pooping shoes out of his ass” – because I missed a lot of stuff. Including Fabio saying something about shoes coming out of his butt. This will be short, sweet, and probably unfunny.


On last week’s episode of Top Chef, the Cheftestants took a trip to Lay-Burn-Uh-Dan and ate a bunch of feesh. Superior European Stefan won, and his lesbian lady-love Jamie was sent home. Meanwhile, skanky Leah lived to “just kiss” the Hose for another day.

It’s morning in Brooklyn, and the five remaining Cheftestants are contemplating their last days in New York before four of them go to New Orleans for the finale. Some of them are even looking back on their culinary careers.

Leah tells us that she was an idiot who sucked at college, so she went to culinary school instead (surprise, surprise). She also tells us that cooking is the only thing she does well. I bet Hosea knows of at least 5 other things Leah does well. And she probably has them listed on her resume. References available upon request.

Carla’s culinary career came via a different path – she was originally a model. She refers to herself as a “Dark Horse” in this competition – since she hasn’t exactly dominated thus far. Carla certainly wouldn’t be the first horse to reach the top. For instance, look at Sarah Jessica Parker…


I know – that’s so wrong. I LOVE My Pretty Pony, I mean … SARAH JESSICA PARKER. Oh Willllbuuurrrrrrrrr!

They head over to the Top Chef Kitchen for the last New York Quickfire. They find Padma standing with Chef Wylie Dufresne – who seriously looks like an online child predator. Attention Chris Hanson – send some people to follow Wylie during his daily “jog” in the park. Seriously. Those sideburns make me want to scream “STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!!”


Wylie loves eggs, so the Quickfire this week will be to create an amazing egg dish for “Egghead” Wylie.

Fabio, who has never won a Quickfire, is happy to cook for Chef “Doo – Frez – Nay” (3 syllables), which is absolutely how that creepy weirdo’s name should be pronounced. Or, you could just call him “Uncle Touchy”.


Everyone seems to be running around and freaking out. Fabio is sprinting around the kitchen, Hosea’s bald head is sweating, Howie-style, into his Japanese-inspired egg dish, and Stefan takes a moment or two out of rushing to remind us how great of a Chef he is.

“Dark Horse” Carla, on the other hand, is going slow and steady. The first idea that popped into her head was Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham – my favorite book when I was a kid. I would read it in a box; I would read it with a fox. I used to read it in the car; I used to read it at the bar (my parents couldn’t afford a babysitter). The “Dark Horse”, Carla, is now referring to herself as the “Tortoise” who slowly and steadily beats the Hare.

Utensils Down, Hands Up, Bitches!

Chef Greasy Dufresne tastes everyone’s dishes. He no likee Leah, Hosea, and Fabio – who is upset. Fabio, be glad he DIDN’T like you – because you might have ended up in his "Van of Lost Children".

Chef Wylie really likee Stefan’s strong technique, and Carla’s “playfulness”. Naturally, Chef “Come and Sit On My Lap” Dufresne picks the dish inspired by a children’s book and Carla is the winner. She will get an “advantage” during the Elimination Challenge.

The Cheftestants are told to draw knives, and each knife has a name of a foodie icon printed on it. The Elimination Challenge this week will be to prepare a “last meal” for their foodie icon. The matchups and requested dishes are as follows:

Fabio – Lidia Bastianich – Roasted Chicken with a Leafy Salad. Fabio is excited because Lidia is Italian, and Fabio is also from Italy. At least I think he is – he hasn’t really mentioned it much.

Hosea – Susan Ungaro – Shrimp Scampi with Tomatoes Provencal.

Stefan – Marcus Samuelsson – Salmon with Spinach and Roasted Potatoes. Now MARCUS is someone who could lure me into his nondescript van with promises of candy. He is yummy.


Leah – Wylie Dufresne – Eggs Benedict – preferably served in the game room at Chuck E. Cheese.

Carla – Jacques Pepin – Squab with Peas. Carla has the opportunity to swap with anyone since she won the Quickfire, but the idea of cooking peas really turns our Tortoise on.

The next day they have $300 and 30 minutes at Whole Foods. Then everyone heads over to Capitale – the former bank and grand events space that will be the venue for this “Last Supper”. The Cheftestants have two hours to prepare their dishes.

The producers seem to really be setting Stefan up for a shocking fall. He, naturally, talks about how great of a Chef he is, how much experience he has, and how there is absolutely no way he could screw up Swedish Salmon. After all, he is probably from Sweden – as well as Finland, Czechland, Germanland, and Lapland. Wait, I think Wylie Dufresne might be from Lapland … as in, “come over here and sit on my Lapland, little girl…”.

Anywhoo, Fabio breaks his finger, but refuses to go to the hospital. It’s just a flesh wound!! This does, however, slow Fabio’s roll. In fact, he curses in at least two languages while trying to peel onions and potatoes. And instead of gently cutting up his chicken for roasting, he takes a meat cleaver and hacks away like a crazed serial killer.


Fabio remarks that he would definitely NOT want his last meal prepared by Top Chef losers. He would want it “pre-pare–ed” (three syllables) by his Grandma – who “dye-ed” (two syllables) two years ago. I was “touch-ed” by this.

The legendary Food Icons gather around the “Last Supper” table and sit down. As they prepare to eat their “last meals”, I start to think about what MY last supper would look like…


First up is Leah and her Eggs Benedict. The judges don’t seem to likee. How does a Chef screw up Eggs Benedict?

Next up is Superior Stefan. They all say the salmon is overcooked. They no likee.

Third is Hosea, whos hands are shaking as he plates his food – as always. What a wuss – grow a pair, will ya?!? The judges no likee his Shrimp Scampi.

Next is Fabio, who gets a “Grazie” from Italian Lidia. I like Lidia a lot, I just wish Miss Thing would put on a wig. Her hair is obviously very thin, so I think she should just go for it…


See?!? Now THAT’S Glamour!! Lidia and the rest of the Judges seem to really likee Fabio’s hacked up Cheeken.

Finally we have Carla’s Squab and Peas for the legendary Jacques Pepin. He seems to love it, saying he could “die happy” if it was his last meal. Somebody check his pulse – they may have to use Dufresne’s MolesterVan to rush Pepin to the hospital. He’s certainly no Spring Cheeken.

It’s time for the last Judge’s Table in New York – and the Cheftestants have gathered one last time in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. Again, Fabio says something funny – but I was busy coughing up neon green Martian fetuses from my lungs, so I didn’t hear what he said. Padma walks in and say they would like to see all five of them.

After speaking to the five Cheftestants, the Judges deliberate. Back in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, Stefan is shitting bricks and they are making fun of Fabio because Chef Molesty Dufresne thought Fabio’s salad would be something they would serve on an airplane. Salad? – on a plane? When was the last time Wylie flew in the U.S. – 1989??

All five are called back in front of the Judges. Fabio and Carla are the top two – and Fabio is the winner – despite his “Braniff Salad". He wins a big bottle of Vino and a three-day trip to California - which is where he lives.

Fabio is safe, and so is our “Tortoise”, Carla. She is picking up steam, and passing the other competitors. Go Tortoise, Go!!


On the bottom, we have Hosea, Stefan, and Leah. It is obvious that Hosea’s Shrimp Scampi wasn’t perfect – but it’s not worthy of sending him home. No matter what AssHat Toby Young says. So it comes down to Stefan’s overcooked Salmon, or Leah’s sucky Eggs Benedict.

Leah is told to pack her knives and go – and it’s about time.

She goes back to the Storage Room and says her goodbyes, and then stands there stupidly at one point and asks … “Can I leave now?...”

I thought you would never ask. Buh-bye!!!!


Next week on Top Chef – New Orleans! Emeril! And, bestest of all, THE RETURN OF GAIL AND HER BOOBIES!!!!!!! Oh HAPPY DAY!!!!!

Top Chef Episode Eleven - It's All Good

Last time on Top Chef, a group of former Cheftestant losers competed with this season’s Cheftestants in the Top Chef Stupidbowl. Jeff with the Hair went home and Carla won. Hootie Hoo!!

This week’s episode opens, as always, in the Top Chef apartment. Fabio whips out his T-Mobile sidekick to call his wife, and immediately my heart sinks. As I’ve said before, calling home at the beginning of an episode usually means you will be going home at the end of the episode. Please don’t deprive me of my Italian Stallion.

Fabio asks his wife how their restaurant is doing – and she replies “good”. Fabio is concerned because no matter what, Wifey always says “good”. She also describes Orange Sherbet, Rhianna’s music, and sex with her husband as being “good”. Fabio would prefer it if she was more specific, if possible. After he hangs up, Fabio tells us he “has to win” this competition for his wife. Because she will think it is "good".

Hosea gives us his best Dick Cheney imitation. Since The Hose is the last heterosexual American male on Top Chef (and indeed in all of New York City) he vows to win on behalf of the Republican Party and Straight White Men everywhere. It's what Ronald Reagan and Jesse Helms would have wanted.

They enter the Top Chef Kitchen and find Padma standing with legendary Chef Eric Ripert – owner of Le Bernadin restaurant here in NYC. Some of the Cheftestants remark about how incredible Chef Ripert is, and how nervous they are to be in his presence.

The Quickfire Challenge this week will be a three-round fish filleting tournament – in honor of seafood master Ripert. When Padma said “fish fillet”, I thought she meant Filet-O-Fish – which I used to make as a young "crew person" at McDonald's. You deep fry the frozen fish pattie for 3 ½ minutes in oil that’s at 330 degrees. Steam the bun; add a ½ slice of cheese and a squirt of tarter sauce – and Voila! Does this mean I just won the Quickfire Challenge?

Actually, the Quickfire is much more complicated than that. Round One requires the Cheftestants to clean and butterfly sardines. Carla, all of a sudden, turns into a Cockney Eliza Doolittle – describing sardines as “Wee li-il fish, Governor!”. WTF??

Fish Chef Hosea is having a little trouble, but explains he “doesn’t do small fish” at his restaurant. Please insert Hosea/Leah hookup joke [HERE].

After they finish, Chef Ripert judges the results. This time Carla speaks in a Scarlett O’Hara southern drawl – saying she realizes her sardines look horrible. I had no idea Carla and her Spirit Guides did impressions. She could be the next Rich Little.

Fabio makes sure to tell Chef Eric that he is Italian and has been slicing up sardines since he was young little meatball. What kind of childhood did poor Fabio have? – he stirred polenta, chopped onions and filleted sardines all day. Don’t they have coloring books in Italy? Haven’t they heard of Tonka Trucks? Whatsamattayou?!?

Based on their crappy sardines – Crazy Eliza Carlittle O’Hara and Jamie are both out.

Round Two is Arctic Char. They must make two lovely fillets – which The Hose and Stefan do well. Fabio and Leah do the worst, and are out.

Finally, we get to Round Three – Eels – which are still writhing around. Arch enemies Hosea and Stefan will go head-to-head for the Quickfire win.

Confident Stefan immediately puts a smirk on his face. “Skinning eel is what we do in Germany!” (or Finland, or the Czech Republic, or Chefganistan) – and Stefan has been doing it since he was a kid. I have three words of advice for Europe: Toys R Us. Seriously – look into it.

Now I must admit, I turned away from the television during this segment. Dust Bunny Kayce (Chef The City) warned us last week that the proper way to fillet an eel was to first nail it to the cutting board – which Stefan promptly did. Here is what I imagine the process looked like…


The Hose complains that they don’t have eels in Colorado – and he has no idea how to fillet one. Note to Hosea: they don’t have a sea in Colorado either, but you claim to be a seafood chef – so deal with it. They also don’t have toys in Europe, but they do OK - don’t they?

Dominant Stefan wins the Quickfire, leaving his arch rival Hosea in the dust. Stefan and Hosea are the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote of reality television. When will Hose E. Coyote realize that he will NEVER win?...


With the Quickfire Challenge complete, Chef Ripert invites the Cheftestants to Le Bernadin for lunch the following day.

The next morning the Cheftestants get all gussied up to eat at Le Bernadin – which Hosea pronounces “Lay Burn Uh Dan”. Apparently they don’t have French pronunciation in Colorado either.

They arrive at the restaurant and sit down with Chefs Tom Colicchio and Eric Ripert for a six-course seafood lunch. Items include snapper, monkfish, black bass and lobster. Jamie, the petulant lesbian, disses a couple of the dishes – including the black bass with braised celery. Slutty Leah, on the other hand, can only talk about how “cute” Eric Ripert is. I bet Leah was REALLY popular in Culinary School – with the boys, at least.

Fish dish after fish dish comes out for everyone to taste. It’s all very fancy – but made to look not so fancy – but tastes very complicated. That’s all just a little too much for me. If I was doing a fish tasting menu, here would be my six courses…

And every course would come with Onion Rings – ‘cause that’s how I roll.

At the end of lunch, the knife block comes out. Chef Tom says the Elimination Challenge will be for them to recreate the dishes they just ate. Stefan, as the winner of the Quickfire, gets to choose his dish. They rest will draw knives. Stefan chooses the lobster dish – which Hosea claims is “the easiest”. Because if Hosea won the Quickfire, he would have selected the most difficult dish. Right.

They have two hours to prep and practice – and will then cook their dishes for the judges. The Cheftestant with the dish that is LEAST like the original will go home.

Jamie ends up with the Black Bass/Braised Celery dish she didn’t like – and seems to have trouble. In addition to braised celery, she must make a ham sauce – which she has never done. The more I think about “ham sauce”, the more I think it should be put on everything. Fish Sticks dipped in Ham Sauce sounds like a perfect meal to me.

Leah and Hosea also seem to have trouble. Hosea must use za’atar – a spice he has never used before. They don’t have it in Colorado. Leah – who claims to have been the “Lead Fish Cook” at her last restaurant, can’t seem to get her Mahi-Mahi dish right either.

Chef Ripert comes in to visit the Cheftestants and give them some guidance. He tastes everyone's dishes, except Jamie's -who didn’t have her dish prepared on time. After giving them some helpful hints, Chef Eric wishes everyone luck and goes into the dining room to await the results.

First up, we have Fabio and the Red Snapper. He adorably tells us how he “sear-ed da bread”. I love how Fabio makes a one syllable word like "seared" into two syllables (“sear-ed”, “age-ed”). They obviously don’t have one syllable words in Europe. Anywhoo, the judges seem to think Fabio’s Snapper is “good”. Or “go-od”.

Second is Leah and the Mahi Mahi. Tom thinks it’s overcooked, and Toby Young continues to be the most annoying person in the history of television. I didn’t write down what Toby said, but there is some stray saliva in my notebook from me spitting out curse words while Toby was on the screen. I wish Stefan would just give Toby the eel treatment…


Speaking of Stefan – he is up next with his Lobster and Asparagus dish. Other than a thick sauce, the judges seem to really likee. In fact, Chef Ripert seems to be sweating the fact that Stefan came so close. Either that or Ripert still remembers what Stefan did to that poor eel.

Next up is Carla – who is cooking a fish called Escolar. As soon as I hear “escolar”, I think of Columbian drug lord Pablo Escobar – and make a note to use this somewhere in my recap. Because murderous cocaine kingpins are funny! I am SO proud of myself for thinking of such a witty thing – surely no one else would ever think of it. What a funny person I am! Anywhoo – the judges likee Carla’s dish.

Hosea tells us for the millionth time that he is “the seafood guy”, and then proceeds to completely underwhelm the judges with his Monkfish. Beep beep!


Finally, we have Jamie and her Black Bass. Jamie tells us she feels confident because “I know how to cook fish”. That’s like putting me on Project Runway because I threaded a sewing machine in 8th Grade Home Economics. Good luck with that. The judges make faces at Jamie’s extremely salty celery. They no likee.

Back at the Judge’s Table, Fabio, Stefan and Carla are called in. They are the top three. The judges discus their dishes, and AssHat Toby Young calls Carla’s dish “Pablo Escolar”! I thought of that shit first – I SWEAR! Attention Top Chef Producers: if Gail and her Boobies are not back next season I will gut you like Stefan does a fresh-water eel. Make a note of it, bitches.

Eric Ripert announces that Stefan is the winner and will receive the opportunity to spend a week working with him at Le Bernadin. Stefan also wins a romantic trip for two somewhere with Chef Ripert. I bet Leah (and Fabio) will be jealous.

Leah, Jamie and Hosea are the bottom three, and stand before the judges. Hosea and Jamie own up to their mistakes and realize exactly what they did wrong. Leah, on the other hand, sounds like a she drank a six pack and smoked a blunt before she spoke to the judges. Either that, or she is just really stupid. Which, again, probably added to her popularity with the boys.

“Um … blah blah … greasy … um … blah blah … lemon … um … ok … blah blah … butter … um …ok”. Thanks for explaining yourself, Leah. Toby declares that he still has the taste of her fish in his mouth, and it’s not pleasant. Insert Hosea/Leah hookup joke [HERE]. Chef Tom really seems to have hated her dish – and wonders if Leah has just given up on the competition.

At this point, it looks to me like Leah will be going home – which she deserves to do. But the judges also hated Jamie’s dish. Padma claims she would have sent it back and it wasn’t pleasing to eat or even look at (which, coincidentally, also describes the men Padma dates). Toby described Jamie’s dish as having a “metallic” and “toxic” flavor – similar to Toby Young’s personality.

The judges deliberate and come to a decision. Leah will be go…

Wait. What? Leah is staying?? Are you serious??!!?? OK, who did Leah “just kiss” under the Judge’s Table to stick around another week?

Jamie is actually going home – which is ridiculous. Team Rainbow is no more, and that skank Leah is still here. I call SHENANIGANS.

Next week. Fabio gets hurt?!? That’s not “good”.

Top Chef Tonight!

Hootie ... Hoo! Crazy Carla wants you all to watch Top Chef tonight on Bravo at 10 pm. Look for my recap sometime Thursday afternoon.

I got the picture above from the hysterical Top Chef site Amuse Biatch. They are also asking readers to vote Carla for fan favorite. I, personally, will be voting for my buddy Stefan.

Top Chef Episode Ten - It's The All-Star StupidBowl!

Last week’s episode of Top Chef was the annual “Restaurant Whores” competition. Leah and Hosea won – hands down. Actually, my extremely close personal friend Stefan won, and Radhika went home. I’m kinda pissed I didn’t recap it, because “Restaurant Whores” would have been a funny title. Oh well, there’s always next season.

Speaking of restaurant whores – Hosea and Leah are still being all mopey and regretful about their hookup. As we know, Hosea is no longer with his girlfriend in real life as a result of this indiscretion. “I guess we kissed”, Leah says – which is an extreme understatement. Sort of like me saying “I guess Leah is trampy”.

The Cheftestants enter the Top Chef Kitchen to find Padma and this week’s guest judge Scott Conant. He is some kind of 3-Star New York Times Restaurant General or something. Everyone say’s Scott is big-timey – so who am I to argue?

Padma tells them that in honor of the Super Bowl, the Cheftestants will be doing some kind of “Football Squares” thingy. I don’t know if football squares is a real game or if it’s something that the Top Chef producers just made up – but either way it’s pretty lame.

Basically, the game boils down to the fact that Quaker Oats is the sponsor of this Quickfire. Everybody randomly selects an ingredient (fish, dairy, meat, etc) – and they have to create a dish using their ingredient and Quaker Oats. Why they needed chalk, a chalkboard, cheap-ass electrical tape, cardboard squares and 15 minutes of my time to work this out is beyond me.

Carla is immediately excited because she eats Quaker Oats four times a week. Now we know where she got the phrase “Hootie Hoo!”…

It’s the noise Carla makes on the toilet four times a week.

The Cheftestants have 45 minutes to create their dishes. The winner will not get immunity, but he or she will get an “advantage” in the Elimination Challenge.

Jamie has picked “fruit” – so immediately she decides to do shrimp. Huh?? Again with the shellfish!! “Dis is-a Top Chef, no Top-a Shellfish!”. If this whole Top Chef thing doesn’t work out, Jamie could always work for Mrs. Paul or Red Lobster.


Unlike Jamie, Leah has actually selected seafood – and has decided to do a fish with an oatmeal crust. Hosea has a little chuckle over this, because during the last challenge Leah also cooked fish … extremely badly. Leah also needed Hosea’s help last time “de-boning” the fish. She needed his help “de-boning” later that night as well – but I digress.

I have no idea why Hosea is laughing – he is the one who just stated that he will eat Weiner Schnitzel any day of the week. Hosea likes Weiner!!! Okay, I know it’s pronounced “Veenur” and it’s not a tube-steak, but like a 12-year-old, I think it’s funny. Sue me.

Carla is cooking her oats with her patented “Pasta-Method” – which, for normal people, is called simply “boiling” or “cooking”. But if Carla wants to think she has invented a new way to cook a grain that has been harvested for thousands of years, I am not going to stop her or her Spirit Guides.

Utensils Down – Hands Up, Bitches!!

The dishes are tasted by Scott and Padma. A couple of things become immediately apparent about our guest judge. Chef Scott HATES Fabio for some reason. He literally laughs at Fabio’s eggplant dish – like I laugh at Hosea talking about Weiner Schnitzel (HA HA HA HA HA HA). This does not make our Italian Stallion very happy.

Mr. Conant also seems to love Jamie. Even though Jamie selected “fruit” as her ingredient and immediate thought “Shrimp Cocktail” or some such. Is cocktail sauce considered a fruit??

Anywhoo, Conant LOVES the lesbian and HATES the charismatic Italian guy. We get it Scott, YOU’RE STRAIGHT. Straight guys love Lesbians like gay men love Madonna and Meth – it’s so predictable.

So, naturally, Fabio (along with Leah and Jeff) end up on the bottom. And Jamie (along with Carla and Stefan) end up on top. But Stefan wins (his 5th in a row) – probably because Stefan actually used the ingredient he selected (dairy) as more than a dipping sauce.

Padma tells the Cheftestants to return to the Not-So-Glad-Quaker-Oats-Diet-Dr.-Pepper Storage Room – where they will find a prize. Fabio wonders if the prize is a dog.

A dog?!? This is disturbing on so many levels. If Alpo is the sponsor of the Elimination Challenge, I’m outta here. Either that, or poor Fabio has been waiting to receive a puppy since he was a little Paisano in Italy – and is STILL waiting. Poor baby.

Anwhoo, the “prize” turns out to be football jerseys for the Cheftestants – so they wonder if they will be cooking for NFL players. Leah doesn’t know much about football, but she wouldn’t mind cooking for Tom Brady – because he is “hot”. And by “cooking”, she means “just kissing” like she did with Hosea. Excuse me, I have something in my throat … cough, cough, hack, cough, WHORE, cough, hack, cough...

Ok, I feel better now.

Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, Padma tells the Cheftestants they will be competing against the “Top Chef All-Stars”. And does she ever use the term “All-Star” loosely. We have:

Spike – the Notorious A.S.S.H.A.T.

Andrew – who I referred to last season as Fucky McDouchebag or Douchy McFuckbag, depending on my mood.

Josie – Who is a “Rosie” lesbian, as opposed to a nice, quiet “Ellen” lesbian. Josie is the kind of lesbian that straight guys DON’T like – unless they need backup in a bar fight.

Andrea – That twig-eater from Season One.

Camille – Who???

Nikki – Who Padma introduces as “The Human Pasta Machine”. I feel another coughing fit coming on – excuse me … cough, cough, LOSER, cough, hack, cough…

And, finally, Miguel “Chunk” Morales – the cross-eyed chubby Papi of my dreams. Seriously, Miguel and I would make such beautiful babies together. As long as they got MY eyes…


The Season 5 Cheftestants will each cook head-to-head with one of the “All-Stars”. They will each cook a dish/cuisine representing an NFL team/city. Stefan gets to choose which city he wants, and which “All-Star” he wants to cook against. The rest will “huddle-up” (football metaphor!) and select. Here are the results:

Dallas Cowboys – Stefan vs. Andrea
Miami Dolphins – Jeff vs. Josie
Seattle Seahawks – Hosea vs. Miguel
New York Giants – Leah vs. Nikki
San Francisco 49ers – Jamie vs. Camille (who??)
New Orleans Saints – Carla vs. Andrew
Green Bay Packers – Fabio vs. Spike

Great. So now I’m thinking how much fun this is going to be – because while the “All Stars” may not be great chefs, some of them were extremely annoying and/or entertaining. I mean, come on, Andrew and Spike are here! This will be exciting, right?!? Well … no.

Yes, Andrew does give us some mildly amusing quote regarding murder and water-sports, but where in the HELL was his CULINARY BONER?!? Seriously, Andrew is remembered for exactly two words: “Culinary” and “Boner”. If I were booking Andrew on a show, he would be contractually obligated to say “Culinary Boner” at least 3 times per minute. Yeah, this would get old – but Andrew would get annoying pretty fast anyway. Might as well make him earn his pay.

And Spike. Slimy-ass Spike!! Spike – who looks like he hasn’t worn underwear since 1993!! All he could do was put a football helmet on his head and call Fabio “Fabian”? That’s all you got??? Hell, put the helmet on Andrew’s enormous noggin – at least it’ll be funny watching him (unsuccessfully) try to get it off. Remember last season?

Even our lesbian was off her game. Jamie immediately gets flustered by the challenge, even though she is cooking cuisine from San Francisco, where she lives. And HELLO, this is a FOOTBALL challenge. Don’t lesbians LOVE football?

Oh. According to Josie, who apparently played on a professional women’s football team, only “Rosie lesbians” like football. Sorry Jamie.

Anywhoo, Cheftestants past and present have 2 hours to look through their ingredients and plan a menu. They will cook head-to-head in front of a LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE! There better be boners, or I’m gonna be mad.

Speaking of boners, Hosea is going up against Miguel, and says “I’m looking for Chunk!”. I need to get a t-shirt with that on it for my next visit to the Bear Bar. And if I could get Miguel/Chunk to look at ME (even with just one of his eyes), I’m sure we would be quite happy together.

Miguel – in Papi Godfather-mode – states that the Season Five Cheftestants will “never outbeat the grandfathers”. He then instructed Hosea to “leave the gun, take the cannolis”, which is another t-shirt I’ve been meaning to buy. Not only is he cute – you will NEVER “outbeat” Miguel. Ever. Keep that in mind.

Fabio, already a little flustered by his poor Quickfire performance, is cooking a dish representing Green Bay, Wisconsin. He knows as much about Green Bay as I know about professional women’s football – NADA. But Fabio is a pro, and even “if dey give me da monkey ass, it’s notta problem.” Again with the monkey ass!?! This man really needs a puppy.

The next morning the Cheftestants arise and prepare for the day. Stefan notices Carla sitting still, eyes closed, on the couch. He asks her what she is doing, and Carla groggily replies “getting centered”. Beeyotch, that is called “taking a nap”, not “getting centered”. Don’t front.

Everyone heads over to the Institute of Culinary Education, where the “Top Chef Bowl” will take place. There is a real-live “studio audience” consisting of some random losers. And by “random losers” I am referring to the Cheftestants that have been kicked to the curb and some other riff raff. Oh look – there’s the PocketGay! Hi Patrick!!!

Padma, dressed unnecessarily in a Referee’s uniform, introduces the judges and the intricate scoring system. There are “touchdowns” and “field goals” and audience-member judges and those great big foam “We’re #1” fingers. It’s all very complicated so I won’t go into it here.

Here's what happens:

Leah beats Nikki. Duh. I could have beat Nikki by simply opening a can of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, placing the contents in a bowl, and heating it in the microwave.

Hosea "outbeats" Miguel. No points for my Chunkster.

Carla goes up against Fucky McDouchebag Andrew. They are representing New Orleans – which prompts Andrew to speak in an extremely annoying accent which I’m assuming he thinks is “southern”. A culinary boner would have been so much more entertaining. Even with the accent.

Carla is putting some “fast love” into her gumbo – even though she doesn’t know much about football. She sees football as an excuse to eat, which I agree totally with. Of course The Price is Right, The Real Housewives of Anywhere, and any show with a “C.S.I.” in the title are excuses for ME to eat. Carla beats Andrew.

Overconfident Stefan thinks he will easily beat Andrea – who was sent home twice during Season one (I think). He gives her a kiss as they begin, and I bet if there was no counter we would have seen Stefan’s culinary boner. Especially after Andrea announced she likes her food spicy – like her men. In fact, in a one-on-one interview, Stefan says “Andrea – I’m in love with you. Call me”.

Hey, wait a minute, that’s the same thing Stefan says to ME in our emails. It looks like I will have to cut a (vegetarian) bitch – and cut her deep! With a paring knife! Or a potato peeler!!

Anywhoo, Stefan’s enormous Finnish culinary boner gets in his way, and he loses to Andrea. “I got (out)beat by the nuts and grains girl”, Stefan laments. Don’t worry buddy, I’ll take care of her. Now where’s my nutcracker?...

Of course, everyone is happy that Stefan lost – especially The Hose. And Andrew does a pretty funny Stefan accent backstage. Again, why couldn’t he have said “culinary boner” in that funny accent?? You know people, I don’t ask for much!

Next up is Jamie and someone named "Camille". It’s now time for guest judge Scott Conant to get HIS culinary boner while watching Jamie. Straight guys are so gross. Jamie wins, natch.

Jeff is up next. As usual, he has prepared 44 courses, all requiring their own special plates, bowls, serving utensils, wait staff, and zip code. And Jeff has made his own sorbet to cleanse the palette between courses. Because that’s what he always does in his restaurant. Did you know he runs a RESTAURANT in MIAMI? Yeah, me neither – he should mention it more. Bottom line – he gets skunked by big Lezzie Josie.

The team scores are very close at this point, but it doesn’t really make a difference because there isn’t even’ a team prize for the winner. The only thing that matters is that anyone who lost their challenge can be sent home. So far that’s Stefan and Jeff.

Last up is Fabian, er Fabio vs. Spike. Spike wins, but Fabio gets a field goal or some shit so the current season wins the team challenge. They all pretend this matters and I say goodbye to my PapiChunk Miguel. I'm in love with you. Call me!

So that leaves Stefan, Fabio, and Jeff eligible to go home. At this point the show has been on for one hour – but tonight is one of those “Super-Size” 75-minute episodes. Sorry, but I don’t need 15 more minutes to determine that Jeff is going home.

The winners (Carla, Hosea, Jamie, Leah) are called before the judges.

First of all, what in the HELL is up with Jamie’s gold-sequined headband? I know she’s an “Ellen” lesbian, but this is ridonkulous. Guest judge Scott Conant mentions AGAIN that he likes to watch Jamie cook. Pervert.

Secondly, why is Leah standing up there like she just slayed an immortal dragon? She beat NIKKI, for goodness sakes! My Seventh Grade Home Economics Teacher could beat Nikki in a cooking competition. You’re not that fierce Leah – so calm down. Tramp.

Overall, the judges could really “feel the love” in Carla’s gumbo – and she wins. And despite her mental and/or minority status, Carla actually wins a prize this week – a friggin nice prize. TWO TICKETS TO THE SUPERBOWL!

The winners return to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, and instruct Fabio, Stefan and Jeff to stand before the judges. Again, there is no doubt that Jeff is going home – but evil guest judge Scott wants to mess with Fabio a little more. Chef StraightDouche has issues with Fabio’s meat. HOW.DARE.HE.

Fabio doesn’t take this lying down. “My meat was beautifully pink!”, Fabio insists, and I have to agree. A beautiful, throbbing shade of pulsating pink…

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, right – Top Chef. Anywhoo, Jeff ends up getting sent back to Miami for “watered-down ceviche”. He blames his “mystery basket” of ingredients, hot beans, plastic plates and global warming – but to no avail.

It’s back to the Dildo Beach Club for you, Pretty Boy! And don’t lie, you horny bitches ALL thought that’s what it said every time this flashed on-screen…

Next week – Eel Wrestling!!!


>P, b.

"It Smells Like Ass - It's Pretty Skanky"

As many of you know, I have a valid medical reason for not recapping last night’s episode of Top Chef. And no matter how demanding some you might be (Joy), I didn't feel guilty at all about kicking back and watching without frantically taking notes. It was a nice break, but I promise to be back on the job next week.

Leah (above) and The Hose continue to make me puke. Seriously, if you’re going to be sluts – THEN COMMIT TO IT. Don’t go half-slutty, and then feel guilty and get all mopey later. Seriously, if you’re a Ho, then be the bestest, proudest Ho ever. That’s just how I was raised.

Anywhoo – my close personal friend Stefan kicked ass last night – again - and Radhika went home to open her own Indian Bread Pudding restaurant. And yes, the title of this post was an actual quote from half-assed Ho Leah. Although I don’t think she was referring to herself.

Feel free to discuss last night's "Restaurant Wars" episode in the comments.