My Evening With Jesse Tyler Ferguson

I think Modern Family's Jesse Tyler Ferguson (above) was stalking me this week ...

On Wednesday night while walking home I passed him on 8th Avenue.  He looks exactly like he does on television (unlike some other actors), and you can see that bright red hair/beard a block away.  Jesse was wearing ear buds and minding his own business, and of course no one bothered him (we're cool like that in NYC).

Then, after I got home, I turned on the television and there was Jesse again - on Modern Family.  And, later, the cast of Modern Family made an appearance on Top Chef Masters - and I saw Jesse again.  STALKER!!!

Seriously Jesse - don't make me call the authorities...

And So It Begins...

Yes Darlings, the perfect storm of reality competition shows is upon us. Tonight we have the premiere of Top Chef Las Vegas on Bravo at 9:00 pm EST (check out Las Vegas preview videos HERE) - followed by Top Chef Masters at 10:15PM. Look for The Minx's Top Chef Las Vegas recap sometime tomorrow.

Then, on Thursday, we have the two-hour Project Runway All Stars special (above), at 8:00 pm EST on Lifetime followed by the premiere of Project Runway Season 6 (below) at 10:00 pm EST. Even though I will be travelling and visiting family on Friday, I promise to post a Project Runway Episode One recap by Friday evening.


I'm exhausted (but excited) just thinking about it...

Busy Week Ahead...

This week is going to be CRAZY. In addition to working all week, I am going to see I Can Has Cheezburger: The MusicLOL off-off-Broadway on Tuesday. On Wednesday we have the finale of Top Chef Masters and the premiere of Top Chef Las Vegas (stay tuned for an announcement about Top Chef recaps later). And on Thursday, after waiting WAY too long, and even seeing the final collections at Bryant Park, Project Runway Season 6 begins!!

Top Chef Masters Ep. 9: "What's My Name?... B-U-T-T-M-U-N-C-H"

Last week on Top Chef Masters, the chef’s cooked a lunch for actress/vegan/gluten-allergic/pain-in-the-ass Zooey Deschanel and her friends. And Art “Food is Love” Smith was sent home after learning that cooking for Vegans is even harder than keeping up with Oprah’s insatiable appetite for Macaroni & Cheese.

Four chefs remain – Hubert Keller, Anita Lo, Rick Bayless, and Michael “David Has Been Saying For Weeks That I’m An Ass” Chiarello. They enter the kitchen and are greeted by Kelly Choi.

Kelly announces that this will be the last Quckfire before the Championship Round. And they’ve saved “the best for last” – the blindfolded taste test. Each chef will taste 20 ingredients – the chef who identifies the most will get 5 Stars.

The chefs wait in the dining room to be called individually. Chef Anita Lo mentions that the charity she is playing for is “Cher” ("Share??”). I had no idea my favorite Gypsy, Tramp & Thief was having money problems…


Michael Chiarello is up first, and he’s all like “Italian, Italian, Italian” – and I’m all like “Puke, Puke, Barf”. FYI: The “Italian” missed mascarpone.

The other chefs follow. Hubert’s favorite part was when Kelly blindfolded him (za French, zey are so kinky, no?), and Rick and Anita both identified something called poppadom correctly. That’s funny, I dated a guy named Dominic once, and he liked it when I called him “BIG Poppa Dom”…

The results of the Quickfire are: Michael Suckmyassiarello wins, followed by Rick and Anita. Hubert comes in last.

Kelly announces this week’s Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be preparing a buffet lunch for 200 people rounded up off Los Angeles streets (AKA “Hollywood Insiders”). Each chef must “hire” three sous chefs to help him or her.

The potential sous chefs enter, and they are all former Top Cheftestants. These include winner Ilan, Asshats Spike and Dale, GENUINE Italian Fabio, and Alex Eusebio – the Dominican cutie who was about to be married when he appeared on Season 5. I know, I’m the only one who remembers him – but you know how I am with the Papis. And you know what they say about Dominican men…


Trust me – it’s true. Anywhore, the Masters will have a few minutes to “interview” each former Cheftestants – and then they’ll pick teams.

Immediately, Michael Chiarello cranks up the douchiness to DoucheWarp 17. The first thing he does is tell LesbiJamie to go find some carrots and a knife and start chopping. And then he wants her to iron his shirts and make him a sandwich. Michael is so douchy, that the douchiest douchebag in Doucheville (AKA “Spike”) thinks Chiarello is simply ridiculous.

Even Richard Blais, the mild-mannered “Molecular Gastronomist” runner-up from Season 4, thought Chiarello was an ass – especially when he started asking everyone “What’s my name?”. Blais answered “Key-A-Rell-ee??” and said that anyone who asks “what’s my name?” should NEVER get their name pronounced correctly. Score one for the Molecular Geekstonomist.

Meanwhile, the non-douchy Masters are actually asking questions and discussing the Cheftestant’s backgrounds. You know, like in a normal interview. CJ said it was like “speed dating for chefs”. If that was the case, Michael Chiarello would have ended up with absolutely NO potential matches and wouldn’t have been invited back.

Slimeiarello gets to pick first – and he picks Fabio. Fabio looks devastated because he, like everyone else, wants to work with the legendary Hubert Keller – not the legendarily asinine Michael Chiarello – Italian or not.

The teams end up as follows:

Team What’s My Name?: Fabio, Brian Malarky, and CJ

Team Bayless: Richard Blais, Papi Alex, Betty

Team Anita Lo: Jamie, Dale, Ilan. Jamie (who worked with Anita years ago) actually suggested she pick Dale. And Ilan – who WON his season of Top Chef – was picked third-to-last (just ahead of Betty and Spike). Ouch.

Team Hubert Keller: Antonia, Elia, and Spike. Spike said that it was a “compliment” to be picked last, because the Masters didn’t want Spike to “outshine” them. And that’s why Spike was the douchiest douchebag in Doucheville … until Michael Chiarello stole his douchy crown.


The chefs meet with their sous chefs. Bayless and Keller really seem to want input, Anita mumbles something about “Asian” and “Raw Bar” and “playing it safe”, and Michael Chiarello demands that his sous chefs go out and wash his car.

Everyone splits up for shopping at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods to spend their $2,000 budgets – and then they all return to the Top Chef kitchen for 3 ½ hours of prep.

Right off the bat, the former Cheftestant sous chefs know that being nice and cordial to your “colleagues” just doesn’t cut it in this game. Dale and the others start claiming fridge and freezer space immediate. Chiarello was too busy worrying about the fact that his sous chefs didn’t polish his hub caps correctly to immediately claim fridge space. When Chiarello figures out what has happened, he tries to intimidate Dale into giving up his refrigerator.

Wrong move. First of all, Dale has a bit of a temper. Secondly, Dale suffers from a condition known as “Short Man’s Disease”. Smaller men sometimes make up for their stature by being combative little wombats. So when Michael stars referring to Dale as “young man”, he might have well have called him “Half-Pint”, “Little Fella” or “Shorty McShrimperstein”.

Dale wasn’t haven’t it and started yelling “Whaddya Gonna DO about it?!?”. Now I realize that violence isn’t usually the answer, but if there was ever a time when it was called for, it was now. I was PRAYING for Dale to smack Chiarello. But Dale didn’t swing, and Michael mumbled something about “Italian Macho” and slithered away. I think if Dale would have thrown the first punch, the rest of the Cheftestants would have probably joined in and piled on. I can just picture Antonia and Betty wailing on Chiarello and screaming “What’s MY name, you little BITCH?!?!”.

Over at Team Anita, Chef Lo is remembering things about Jamie. Like how it takes her forever to prepare seafood. Chef Anita mumbles something diplomatic about Jamie getting “overwhelmed by details”, which is just code for “Damn, that girl is SLOW”.

Prep Day is over – and it’s now Elimination Day. Everyone re-enters the kitchen for what they think will be 2 ½ hours to prepare their buffets. But Kelly walks in and announces a “twist” – the location will now be at a hotel, and they must pack everything up and move to the new site.

Everything is neatly put into the Glad family of products (natch) and shipped over to the hotel. When they get over there, the chefs realize that the buffets will be set up outside in the blazing sun. Kelly then announces the final twist – one sous chef must be cut from each team immediately.

Malarky, Betty, Jamie, and Spike get cut (I’m sure Spike was sent home because he was outshining Hubert Keller). Fabio was glad not to be sent home, since he had worked so hard and was “sweateeng like a mountain-a goat at da bitch!”. Goodness, I miss Fabio…

The well-dressed homeless Hollywood Insiders arrive, as do the judges. They visit Anita Lo’s Asian Buffet first, then Michael Chiarello’s “Rustic Italian Buffet” (which Blais said looked like “a wedding from 1987”), followed by Chef Hubert’s table. Finally, they end up at Rick Bayless’ Mexican Buffet – complete with Richard Blais making tableside sorbet with liquid nitrogen.

The chefs serve and the judges and guests eat. When it’s all over, the four remaining Masters head back to the Judges Table.

While the judges speak to the chefs it becomes very apparent that they really likee Chefs Keller and Bayless, and no likee Chefs Lo and Chiarello. They weren’t thrilled with the sun-cooked “raw” bar from Anita Lo, and the judges had problems with some of Chiarello’s 1987 Wedding items – especially the raggedy swordfish.

Time for the results. Hubert wins, and he and Rick Bayless move on to the final round. This leaves Anita Lo and Michael Chiarello. You can imagine who I wanted to stay.

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Anita Lo is sent home with no money for Cher. And Michael Chiarello is still the douchiest douchebag in Doucheville. AND we have to suffer through another week of his douchiosity.

What’s MY name: "P-I-S-S-E-D".

Top Chef Masters - Tonight

Remember darlings - Top Chef Masters airs tonight on Bravo at 10pm EST. To see some preview videos, go HERE.

Tonight is the night the producers throw Season 5 Cheftestant Dale Talde an extra $20 to create some drama, so he yells at Chef Michael Chiarello...

Top Chef Masters - Who You Calling A Ho ... Cake?

On last week’s Top Chef Masters, annoying Michael Chiarello wasn’t sent home (damn!), but there WAS a guest appearance by cutie Chef Christopher Lee (below).

Seriously, Christopher and I would make beautiful babies. Anywhoo – the five remaining Cheftestants are Rick Bayless, Anita Lo, Art Smith, Michael Slimearello, and Hubert Keller. FYI: If you Google “Art Smith Big Queen”, DavidDust comes up as the #1 selection. Try it … I’ll wait…

Anywhore, the five Masters enter the Top Chef Kitchen only to find a HUGE table full of Hamburgers and French Fries. This is also known as “Heaven”. Trust. Host Kelly “OMG I Ate a French Fry I’m Gonna Get Fat” Choi explains that this week’s Quickfire will be to create a gourmet burger and a side dish.

Hubert reveals that his restaurants sell 1000 burgers a day, and he also serves the world’s most expensive burger – which costs $5,000. Five thousand dollars for a BURGER?!? That shit better come with extra napkins … and an envelope with $4,990 cash in it.

The Masters get to burgering. Rick Bayless is doing some kind of Mexiburger (natch), Hubert is doing the $15 version of his $5,000 burger, and Anita Lo is doing a Cheese Soup with burger balls. Sounds delish.

Art Smith – my Big Gay Sister – is doing HO Hoe Cakes. I had to Google “Hoe Cakes” (right after I Googled “Art Smith Big Queen”) and Hoe cakes are NOT these …

… Or THESE…


Hoe cakes are cornbreadish, and Art wants to put his burger on that Ho … Cake.

Michael Chiarello is annoying me by calling his big-ass burger a “Hamborghese GreatBighese” or some Italianesque name. Why can’t he just call is a Big-Ass Burger like a normal person? Michael Chiarello is annoyinghese.

We find out the three judges for the Quickfire are: some dude who makes burgers at his restaurant, Asshat Spike, and Morgan Spurlock (below) – a straight man with the gayest facial hair on the planet. I’ve always wondered if Spurlock performs in a Village People cover band on the weekends for extra cash.


Anywhoo – Spurlock’s claim to fame (besides the Macho Man mustache) is the documentary he made called Supersize Me. Spurlock ate at McDonald’s every day for 30 days – and documented his resulting weight gain, etc in the movie. What a lightweight … try eating at McDonald’s every day for 30 YEARS!!! Where the Hell is MY movie??...

Burger-judging happens. The Masters seem upset by the lack of sophistication of the Judges. Uh … DUH!! You have some dude, Spike, and another dude with a mustache. What did they expect? The best was when mild-mannered Rick Bayless and Hubert Keller basically plotted to kill Spike by throwing him off the roof. I could get on board with that.

Results:

Anita’s Cheesy Burger Ball Soup is rated the worst. Rick Bayless and Michael Chiarello tie for the win. And Art Smith’s HoBurger ended up somewhere in the middle. FYI: If Art Smith opened a restaurant called “HoBurger Heaven”, I would totally eat there every day for at least 30 days.

Elimination:

For the Elimination Challenge this week, the Masters will be catering a five-course lunch for “singer/actress Zooey Deschanel”. The name sounds familiar, but I had to Google her (seriously, this recap should be sponsored by Google) to figure out who she was. Art Smith said he liked her in “Elf”, but I though he said “Alf”…


It’s an easy mistake. Art Smith doesn’t trust Miss Zooey – he can tell something’s up. Art knows never to trust a skinny bitch. And something certainly IS up; Zoey Deschanel has a few dietary restrictions:

No meat, poultry, fish, eggs, dairy, or soy. And she’s “allergic” to gluten (wheat-based products). Those of us in the restaurant business know that “allergic” means “I’d rather not eat”. We know this because we secretly put whatever you’re “allergic” to in your dish and you NEVER die. I kid...

The Masters drive over to Whole Foods and head for the “Tasteless Crap For Weirdos” aisle. It’s slim pickens, and the Chefs aren’t happy to be cooking with such restrictions. There is nothing worse than cooking for a C-List celebrity with A-List issues.

After shopping, they head back to the Top Chef Kitchen for two hours of prep. Rick Bayless is doing Mexican something, Hubert is doing a trio of something that sounds fabulous because of his accent, Anita is doing grilled eggplant, and Michael is doing some Quinoa pasta. I don’t know what it is either … Google it.

Then there’s Art Smith. Art has volunteered to do dessert – and he has decided on a Strawberry and Champagne soup. He uses some kind of nasty-sounding rice milk ice cream – which “concerns” Rick Bayless. Doesn’t Bayless remind you of the know-it-all kid at school,who was always “surprised” when he got a perfect score on a test? Yeah, Rick is THAT GUY, but I can’t help but like him anyway.

The Chefs head over to the venue to get set up. Zooey is there to greet them, and to apologize for being such a pain in the ass. “Nobody cooks for me!”, she says – adding that she is excited to see what the Chefs come up with. She does this because the producers told her that kitchen people are sometimes known to do HORRIBLE things to the food of annoying people with dietary dramas. Wise move…

The Judges arrive, along with Zooey’s friends and Mother. And let me just say, Mom is the coolest person there … by far. Zooey’s friends look an advertisement for Benetton – if all the “models” were members of the Chemistry Club.

Hubert serves first, but the waiters kept dropping his shot glasses filled with vegan liquid. It’s because that crap wants to be out of that glass and back in the earth, where it belongs. Dust to dust, so to speak.

Anito Lo is next. Her grilled eggplant wasn’t a hit.

Michael Chiarello’s fake pasta is next. It is so good that Zooey now wants to “hug” Michael. He'd love it, but she'd have to wash the smarm off afterwards.

Rick Bayless presents his Mexicana Extravaganza, followed by Art Smith’s Strawberry-Champagne Ho Soup.

Zooey, the Chemistry Club, and Mom rate the food – and the Chefs/Judges head back to the Judges Table.

Judges discuss. Chefs defend. Rick Bayless gives us a 5 minute lecture regarding the many ways the indigenous peoples of Mexico use their native fresh vegetables … zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

In the end, Michael Chiarello wins (DAMN!) – and Hubert and Rick tie for second. This leaves Art and Anita in the bottom.

Anita ends up ½ star ahead, so Art Smith is forced to head back to Chicago. It won’t be the same without Art and his dimply Ho Cakes.


Next week on Top Chef Masters – old Cheftestants return as Sous Chefs!! And Douchy Dale Talde picks a fight with Michael Chiarello. As a result I will NEVER refer to Dale as "Douchy" again. He will forever be known as “Delightful Dale” or “Delicious Dale” or “Kick Michael Chiarello’s ASS Dale”…

Top Chef Masters - Tonight On Bravo

Top Chef Masters airs on Bravo tonight at 10:00 pm - and tonight's Quickfire is all about burgers. Mmmmmmm .... burgers. Check out some preview videos HERE. My recap should be posted sometime Thursday afternoon.

Top Chef Masters - Champions Round Begins Tonight

Top Chef Masters continues on Bravo tonight with the 6 winners of the previous shows. Check out some preview videos HERE.

I certainly hope Art Smith brings wins this for The Gays. But in all honesty, I would be happy with any of the six - EXCEPT that smarmy Michael Chiarello. Sorry - but he has all the charm of an empty toolbox for me.

FYI: I will probably NOT be recapping this episode - I have some things to do this evening. If you missed my recap from last week - go HERE.

Top Chef Masters Episode 6 - The Art Smith Show

On last week’s Top Chef Masters, smarmy Chef Michael Chiarello “charmed”(?) his way to a spot in the finals – and psychotic Bravolebrity Jeff Lewis (below) made me nervous while watching him handle a knife and fork. If I was in charge of Bravo, Jeff would only have “plastic spoon privileges” because he could hurt somebody (or himself).

This week’s Top Chef Masters can be summed up in two words: Art Smith. Oh Em Gee – I think Art is my long-lost sister! Bitch is big and hysterical and makes a mean fried chicken. And you just KNOW Art is a riot after about 6 vodkas. Furthermore, I bonded with my “sister” even more when I found out that Art's husband is a cute Papi!!

Art Smith (right) and his partner, Artist Jesus Salgueiro.

Anywhore, there were three other Master Cheftestants competing as well – Jonathan Waxman, Michael Cimarusti, and Roy Yamaguchi. Although none of them were nearly as fabulous as Mr. Smith.

The Chefs enter one-by-one, and we learn a little about each of them. Jonathan Waxman was a hotshot chef back in the 80’s and is still going strong today. On the flip side, he is also the man responsible for Bobby Flay – which he should totally be punished for.

Roy Yamaguchi invented Hawaiian Fusion cuisine, and apparently has more restaurant locations than Chik-Fil-A. And Michael Cimarusti is known as a seafood chef, and once worked for Jonathan Waxman. I just hope he’s not as obnoxious as Bobby Flay.

Finally, we learn that my long-lost Sis (Art Smith) owns restaurants in Chicago and Washington, D.C. – but he is best known for ridding Oprah of the HONGRAYS (not a small job). Art is appearing on Top Chef Masters to raise money for Common Threads, the children’s charity that was featured during Top Chef Season 4, where the kids acted as Sous Chefs. I remember it as being the feel-goodiest episode in a long season of douchebags and belligerent lesbians – even Dale acted right.

Quickfire

Host Kelly "I'm Thinner Than Padma" Choi tells the Chefs to draw knives, which contain the numbers 1 through 4. These numbers correspond to an aisle at Whole Foods. The Masters will have $20 to complete the Quickfire Challenge – and must shop for ALL of their ingredients in their chosen aisle. I wonder why no one drew the “Pet Foods and Automotive” aisle? Now THAT would have been a challenge.

Art Smith immediately starts dropping names – because that’s how we roll in my family. He tell us about cooking for Mikhail Baryshnikov, Julia Child, the King of Sweden and President Obama – and then sniffs at the measly $20.00 budget. Hell, $20 isn’t even enough for Oprah’s Afternoon Snack #12. How do you expect a Grand Queen to be grand with only twenty bucks?!?

They head to Whole Foods for shopping. Roy seems lost, Michael is pissed that he ended up in the baking aisle, and poor Jonathan Waxman can’t see. My sister ends up in the “Rice and Beans” aisle, which is where all Papi-watchers go eventually. Personally, I could spend hours parked in front of the Goya products – waiting for Señor Right (or Right NOW).

On the way out, Art remarks about Chef Michael Cimarusti, saying Michael was a “young little chicken and I’m an old rooster. I could teach you a few things”. Lord, I bet that’s EXACTLY what Art said to his husband in the Rice and Beans aisle when they met!!! But seriously, someone give Art Smith his own show NOW. We’ll call it “This Old Rooster”.

They return to the Top Chef Kitchen to create their one-aisle masterpieces. Art and Jonathan can’t figure out how to set up a pressure cooker until “young chicken” Chef Michael helps them. And just like that the young chicken becomes a rooster.

Time is up, and we are introduced to an even lamer judging panel than Jeff Lewis & Co. This week we have “Peter, Becky and Dave” – three Ho’s on their day off from Whole Foods. What I want to know is where they found Whole Foods employees with those names? If they went to a real Whole Foods (i.e. NYC), the three employees would probably have been named “Carlos, Tanika, and Vladimir”. And they would have been NO JOKE.

Anywhore – Kukla, Fran, and Ollie (or whatever their names are) do their judging thing. And actually they seem to know their stuff. But Carlos, Tanika and Vlad would have still been better.

When all is said and done, “young chicken” Michael Cimarusti wins with his chocolate dessert – followed (in order) by Art, Roy and Jonathan. The Rooster is NOT happy to come in second to the Chicken. A competitive streak runs in our family.

Elimination

For the Elimination Challenge this week, each Chef will create a “Mystery Box” of ingredients for one of the other Chefs to cook with. In a NORMAL douchebag-and-bitter-lesbian-filled episode of Top Chef, this would also be known as the SABOTAGE Challenge. But these guys are all Roosters Masters and aren’t looking to mess anyone else up. Which is boring. If I was on the show, I would have chosen the following 11 items:

Water
Pez
Edible Underwear
Twizzlers
Animal Crackers
Vienna Sausages
Ice Cream Sandwiches
Diet Mountain Dew
Anchovies
Rainbow Sprinkles
Ice

Let’s see what these “Masters” could come up with that Box-O-Ingredients!

The Chefs return to Whole Foods to purchase their items, and head back to the kitchen to open their boxes. It’s like Christmas!

Sister-girl (AKA Art Smith) is scared to death that there will be some kind of critter he’ll have to butcher in his box. Art can handle a chicken, but please don’t give him a Bambi or a Babe to butcher. When he opens his box, The Old Rooster is quite pleased that Roy purchased a chicken for Art to cook. I just wonder how Roy got Michael Cimarusti into such a small box…

The only one who did not give his assigned Chef a perfect box was Jonathan. Chef Waxman didn’t give seafood Chef Michael any fish, but he DID give him the food with the grossest name in the history of grossery (or groceries) – kumquats. As I've said before - I don’t know what kumquats are, but they sound nasty and I want nothing to do with them.

The Chefs get to cooking, and I just can’t get enough of Art Smith. Art tells us about his Mama – who taught him that “food is love” (in that case, I must be REALLY loved). Art also channels Paula Deen by saying, in his best Southern twang – “Who don’t lack (like) a pie?!?”. Later, when things start getting down to the wire, Art exclaims “Honey, I need a drink!”. I swear, the next time Art is in NYC, I want to take him for a “girls night out” to my favorite go-go boy bar – Urge. There’s plenty of chicken for the Old Rooster to “teach” at that joint.

The judges enter the dining room. We have James Oseland, Gael Greene, and Gail Simmons. Yep, Gail Simmons from Food & Wine magazine is there…

The judges will be joined this week by a group of culinary students. Everyone finds a seat and …

Oh, who am I kidding, I HAVE TO MENTION THE BOOBIES! Gail Simmons has, of course, brought the fabulous Double Whammies with her – and they are on serious display this week! Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

First to present is Art Smith, who gives his philosophy as a Chef – “You feed people, and they will come”. Darling, I feed myself CONSTANTLY, and, well … nevermind. The judges seem to likee Art’s dish.

Next up is Roy Yamaguchi with mahi-mahi and short ribs. Seriously, here is what I wrote in my notebook regarding Roy’s presentation:

“GAILS BOOBIES ON DISPLAY!!! Students no likee”.

I have this recapping thing down to a science, don’t I? Anywhore, Michael Cimarusti is next – and he fails to “sauce” a few of the plates. Art Smith, on the other hand, seems to never be more than a few steps away from the sauce, if you smell what I’m stepping in. I can say this because we’re family.

Jonathan Waxman is last, and presents a retro-80’s “Pork Chop and Sausage” dish. Furthermore, he mentions that he and Gael Greene “go way back”. And now I have the image of Jonathan and Gael ‘pork-chopping’ in NYC restaurant bathrooms circa 1986 (I’m picturing neon colors, cocaine and shoulder-pads). Now there’s an image I must try to forget.

Back in the kitchen, Art is as nervous as a small nun at a penguin shoot as they await word from the judges. After much deliberation, the results are in…

Jonathan Waxman – 20 stars

Roy Yamaguchi – 15 stars. He is OUT.

Michael “Young Chicken” Cimarusti – 17 ½ stars. He is OUT.

Art Smith ends up with 22 stars and WINS! My long-lost sister immediately begins to cry tears of joy, and tells us he’s going to call his Mama and tell her the good news. ‘Cause that’s how we roll in my family.

Next week: The Champions Round! Note to the Culinary Gods: PLEASE let Art Smith kick the crap out of Michael Chiarello.

Top Chef Masters - Tonight

Don't forget - Top Chef Masters airs tonight on Bravo at 10 pm (EST). Check out some preview videos HERE.

I'll try to write some kind of recap and post it by tomorrow afternoon. I just hope Art Smith - Oprah's Big Gay Chef (below) - gives me something funny to work with.

Top Chef Masters - Perfect Fish Balls

On last week’s episode of Top Chef Masters, Anita Man Lo kicked everyone’s butt, and Max Maven is the best magician in the history of civilization. Even better than Gandalf and Merlin. Really, he is.

On this week’s episode, we meet the newest four Cheftestants:

Michael Chiarello – Television Chef who possesses all the charm and smarm of a Used Car Salesman…


Nils Norén – the “Swedish Chef” who now heads up the French Culinary Institute in New York City…


Lachlan Patterson, “the young, hunky one” …


And finally, Rick Moonen, “hyper”, NYC Chef …


The Cheftestants gather in the Top Chef kitchen and are greeted by Kelly “I’m Not Stoned Like That Other Host” Choi. She introduces this week’s Quickfire Challenge…

Quickfire:

They bring back the Junk Food Challenge from Season One – which Harold won with Popcorn Ceviche. The challenge will be to reinterpret their selected junk food item. And when I say “junk food”, I mean “delicious staples of David’s diet”.

Michael picks first, and he selects Fish Dicks Sticks. Those of you who watch South Park will know how funny this is.

Lachlan picks Hot Dogs, followed by Rick who chooses Corn Dogs. This is turning into the most Phallic Quickfire EVER.

Lastly, Nils ruins the possibility of more peen jokes by picking Fried Shrimp. Party pooper.

Kelly explains that the Quickfire judges this week are “junk food lovers”. On screen, we see Bravolebrity (and certified lunatic) Jeff Lewis and his crew. I don’t watch Flipping Out (crazy people make me nervous), so I don’t know who these Ho’s are – but Jeff explains that they are “White Trash with Money”. I wonder if he realizes how insulting that is to White Trash … and to Money. Bottom line: Jeff Lewis is about as qualified to judge a cooking competition as Kelly Rowland is to judge a fashion competition. Wait ... (?) …

The chefs do their thing, and it’s time to present to the "judges". Hunky Lachlan ("Lachlan" has got to be one of the sexiest names on the planet - it's up there with "Juan-Carlos") makes some kind of sausage soup … and I’ll stop there. Nils makes a POACHED shrimp which isn’t fried at all. And Rick tries to make something, but Newman came over distracted him so he decided to go to the movies with Jerry and Elaine instead. In other words, Rick has nothing to present to the judges.

Michael Chiarello presents Swordfish Meatballs, which Jeff Lewis’ assistant thinks are “perfect” – and Michael wins the Quickfire. I’m sure old “Fish Balls” will be telling this story at cocktail parties for YEARS. “Did I ever tell you about MY THREE PERFECT BALLS?!?”. Gag.

Elimination:

Kelly tries to fake out the Chefs by telling them they’ll be cooking 3 courses for 100 people ... by themselves. Actually, they’ll only be preparing hors d’oeuvres inspired by an appetizer, an entrée, and a dessert for 100 people. They have $1000 to spend at Whole Foods.

After shopping, they return to the Top Chef kitchen and get cooking. Nils, a former Swedish Reggae band-member, has decided to smoke everything…


Dude! Michael is having gelato issues – so he decides to “piggyback” off young Lachlan’s knowledge of the Blast Freezer. “Is that hard enough?”, smarmy Michael asks the younger, hunkier chef. My answer to Michael would have been: “Not even with all the Viagra at the Playboy Mansion”…

Anywhore, they arrive at the venue and get set up for the party. They will be serving “Top Chef fans”. These "fans" include Project Runway’s Sweet P and JerHell. Did you find it funny that by inviting them, Bravo was in effect plugging Project Runway – a show in which they no longer own? Woops. Anywhore, it was great seeing Sweet P and Jerell who were funny and charming.

The judges (Jay Raynor, Gael Greene, and James Oseland) arrive – and they sample the dishes. For the “appetizer” course, the judges seem to likee Michael’s Brussels sprout dish, and they no likee Lachlan’s fried pineapple with speck.

Time for the “main courses”. Michael is doing “Pissed Off Prawns”, although I’m still not sure what those prawns are so mad about. Besides the fact that they have to spend time with Michael Chiarello. Speaking of Michael, could he have been ANY GROSSER while hitting on every woman who stopped by the table? Even Lachlan remarks that Michael is the “most comfortable showman”. Translation: "Michael Chiarello will sleep with Gael Greene AND James Oseland if it will help him win this competition."

Speaking of Gael and James – in the middle of the episode, they had a little catfight about whether or not it was appropriate to serve something that needed a knife at a cocktail party. At one point I thought one of them was going to pick up said knife and cut a biatch! Those two kids are crazy when they get drunk...

Finally, they finish with the “desserts”. Nils does something with a “smoked tea” flavor. Again with the smoking! Dude! And Michael’s gelato apparently IS hard enough to please James Oseland, but Gael doesn’t like to get “lawn cuttings” (basil) in her mouth while having dessert. She’s obviously never hooked up with a hot Yankee Stadium groundskeeper. I recommend it highly.

The party is over, and it’s time for the Critics Table. “Pissed Off Gael” is still bitching about the “Pissed Off Prawns” that she needed a knife for. Michael, in the lamest defense in Top Chef history, replies that he left the tail on the shrimp – which is like an “Italian Fork”. WTF? But Gael does decide that she now LIKES lawn cuttings in her mouth. She must have taken my advice about the groundskeeper.

James and Gael have another fight about whether Nils salmon “entrée” was too “fishy” or not. James thought it was “intensely fishy”, but Gail (and Jay) disagree. BTW, James Oseland saying “intensely fishy” is going to be my new ring tone. Gayest.Thing.Ever.

There was a lot of discussion about Lachlan’s "speck". You can imagine which side of the line James Oseland fell regarding the hunky chef’s delicious speck. Although overall the judges seemed to think young Lachlan’s dishes were rather “meh”. Gael obviously doesn’t like the taste of Speck in her mouth…

Time for the results. Rick and Nils are tied at 17, and Lachlan is out. Finally, Michael “Ask Me About My Fishy Balls” Chiarello wins. I can’t wait to see Anita Lo kick him in the (Fish) balls during the Champions Round.


Next week … Oprah’s Big Gay Chef needs a Big Gay Drink!!

Top Chef Masters - Tonight on Bravo

Don't forget - Top Chef Masters airs tonight on Bravo at 10 pm (EST). If anything fun happens, I'll post a recap tomorrow. Check out my recap from last week's episode HERE.

Speaking of the Bravo Network, did anyone catch Miami Social last night? I lasted about 30 seconds before I turned back to the All Star Game. I think they need to change the name of that show to Miami Sociopaths. I don't know what the deal is, but Bravo is quickly catching up with VH1 in the "Let's Show Gross People!" reality TV programming wars.

I swear, if I hear reports of the Bravo Network meeting with Bret Michaels for a "Rock of Love - Masters", I'm done...

For preview videos of tonight's episode of Top Chef Masters, visit our friends at All Top Chef.

I Am DOOMED - UPDATED

If you read my Top Chef Masters RECAP, you might remember that I treated "Magician and Mentalist" Max Maven (below) with my typical snark. Specifically, I MAY have mentioned something about him "slithering" and that his parents might have been "Mr. Spock and Ming the Merciless"...

Well Dust Bunnies, it's been nice knowing you - but Mr. Maven sent me an email ... and I don't know what to make of it:

Dear David Dust:

Thanks for realizing that I'm creepy. It's nice to know that I've achieved my goal, albeit somewhat perplexing as to why you seem to think that's a bad thing.

Cordially,

Max Maven

Is he pissed?!? Is he going to stuff me in a box and then skewer me with swords?!? Is he going to make me disappear?!? I'm frightened, people!!

Here was my afraid-for-my-life-so-I-better-be-nice response:

Dear Mr. Maven -

Please do not take what I've written literally. One of the more popular things I do on my blog is write humorous (??) recaps of reality shows such as Project Runway and Top Chef. It has been my experience that the more "colorful" you are, the easier it is to give you the snark treatment.

And you Sir, are extremely colorful. I actually enjoyed watching you on the show - it has been my favorite Top Chef Masters episode so far.

Regards,

David

P.S. - Please do not turn me into a toad. kthxbai

It's been nice knowing you ... but I don't think Toads can blog...


UPDATE: As you can probably tell from the tone of his email, Max Maven wasn't upset by my comments. I know this, because he sent me a follow-up email ... which I have forwarded to my clergyman and attorney. You know, just in case I'm found sawed in half ... ;)

Please visit Max Maven's website HERE.

Top Chef Masters - Watch While I Pull This Recap Out Of My Hat ... Ta-DAH!

On last week’s Top Chef Masters … things were just OFFAL. Rick Bayless beat out cute Puerto Rican PapiBear Wilo Benet and advanced to the next round.

On this week’s episode, we get introduced to the next four Master Cheftestants:

Douglas Rodriguez – inventor of “Nuevo Latino” cuisine
Anita Lo – NYC chef/owner of Annisa
John Besh – from New Orleans
Mark Peel – from Los Angeles

Kelly “Not Padma” Choi enters the Top Chef kitchen and welcomes the chefs. It’s time for the Quickfire Challenge.

Quickfire:

This week’s Quickfire challenge resurrects a challenge from Season 3. The chefs will be required to cook an egg dish with only one hand. If any of these fours chefs have kids, it should be a piece of cake…


Mark Peel from L.A. is all like “Dude, cooking eggs is hard!”, but if Stephen (below) - that annoying wine guy from Season 3 – could win this Quickfire, anyone can…


Did anyone else find him less-than-likeable?

Anywhore, the chefs get to their eggery. Doug Rodriguez feels “handicapped” by only using one arm, but I believe the politically correct term is now “differently abled”. Learn it. It turns out Mark Peel’s father was handicapped only had one arm – and Mark watched his Dad do everything one-handed. Anita Man Lo has decided to do fancy scrambled eggs served in eggshells with the tops cut off, but needs someone to “give her a hand” in order to do so. Cheating!

Cajun John Besh decides to do the same egg dish he does every day – but for some reason the oven doesn’t heat them correctly. Besh throws one of his dishes on a burner in an attempt to get rid of the runnies before time is called. If he really does this every day, his family is probably dead from salmonella poisoning by now.

Kelly introduces the Quickfire judges. They are as follows:

Some Dude.
Some Chick with a Cruella Deville white streak in her hair … and …

GAIL SIMMONS AND HER FABULOUS BOOBIES!!! [**INSERT CELEBRATORY MARCHING BAND MUSIC HERE**]

Happy days are here again!! Oh how I’ve missed my Gail and her fabulous culinary chi-chis.

While introducing Gail to the Cheftestants, host Kelly mentions that Gail LOVES eggs, and has been known to cry when a restaurant cooks them wrong. See, this is why Gail Simmons and I are soul mates: I also cry at restaurants when they screw up my order. Especially when they forget to put Horsey Sauce in my bag at the Arby’s Drive-Thru.

Gail, her Boobies, and those two other people judge the egg dishes. Anita’s fancy scrambled eggs served in an empty eggshell gets a perfect 5 Stars. John Besh’s slow-cooked uncooked egg gets a measly 1/2 Star. Gail comments that Besh’s runny eggs taste like “burnt grease”, however she does not cry – and she does not die.

Elimination Challenge:

Kelly announces that this week’s elimination challenge will be to cook a meal for The Gays actor Neil Patrick Harris and some friends at The Magic Castle in Los Angeles. Apparently Doogie Howser, M.D. has a thing for magic wands.

In order to introduce the Elimination Challenge, they bring in “Magician and Mentalist” Max Maven (below) – who looks like what would happen if Mr. Spock and Ming the Merciless had a baby together. Creepy. Furthermore, I think Max’s voice and eyes are hypnotizing me. I’m feeling VERY SLEEEEEPY…


Anywhoo, Max tells them that magic has four main elements: Mystery, Surprise, Illusion, and Spectacle. He then makes the Cheftestants “pick a card”, and each chef gets one of the four elements which will serve as their inspiration. Yeah, there was a “magic trick” used during this process, but it was too lame to mention. Not ANYTHING like the trick we will see later … A TRICK I MUST LEARN!!

Here’s what they ended up with:

Douglas Rodriguez: “Spectacle”. However, I think the politically correct term is now “Visually Extraordinary”. Learn it.

John Besh: “Surprise”. Based on the way he cooked that egg, I’d be surprised if Besh doesn’t accidentally poison the judges.

Mark Peel: “Mystery”. Julia Child meets Agatha Christie.

Anita Lo: “Illusion”. I’m sorry, but every time I hear the word “Illusion”, the only thing I can think of is the magician from my childhood, Doug Henning…

“It’s an ILLUSION!!!”

The Cheftestants shop at Whole Foods and return to the Top Chef kitchen to get busy. In the middle of their preparation, we get another special treat. A visit from Chef Tom Colicchio!!!

As most of you know, Tom visits the Cheftestants during the regular seasons of Top Chef to offer guidance and to roll his eyes at the douchebags. So I was quite surprised to see him on Top Chef Masters. In fact, it seems like Tom just showed up to chat, because he wasn’t a judge and wouldn’t even be able to taste the food. That’s OK, because Chef Besh is trying to poison people, so it’s probably safer this way.

BTW - To those of you who watched the show last night: did you notice how happy Tom looked while chatting with his peers, as opposed to a bunch of lesbians and asstards? Colicchio was positively GIDDY that he didn’t have to tell Spike to rethink the frozen scallops.

Tom leaves and the Chefs head over to the Magic Castle – which is a private club for weirdos. Or something. Once inside, the chefs have one hour to prepare their dishes.

The judges enter the “Dante Room” of Castle Grayskull and sit down. Neil Patrick Harris is there, along with his Hot Piece David Burtka. Creepy Max Maven slithers in, along with Ed Alonso (below) from Saved by the Bell. Wait, WHAT??…


Seriously, when they said it would be dinner for “Neil Patrick Harris and his friends”, I was hoping for a little better than this. Some hunky muslestuds and/or some catty drag queens would have spiced things up nicely. Harris needs better Gays in his life.

Regular judges Gael Greene and James Oseland are also there – as well as Gail Simmons and the Boobs of Life.

Mark Peel (“Mystery”) is first. He wrapped up some snapper in a piece of paper and called it a mystery. If that’s the case, every time I open a McDonald’s cheeseburger, somebody should shout “Ta-DAH!!”.

John Besh is next with his “Surprise” dish. He tries to do a tableside sorbet using liquid nitrogen, and although he didn’t kill anyone I’m pretty sure Neil Patrick Harris ended up with frostbite on his fingertips. Ta-DAH!!

Anita then unveils her “Illusion” – braised Daikon made to look like a scallop served on a “seascape” of crackling Rice Krispies. I know it sounds weird on paper, but it looked pretty fierce. While discussing the dish, Neil Patrick Harris uses the term “accoutrements”, complete with faux French pronunciation – because he’s gay and that’s how we roll. FYI Ladies: if your husband is fond of the words “accoutrements”, “cocktail”, and/or “fierce” you may want to re-evaluate your relationship.

Finally, we had Douglas Rodriguez presenting a “Spectacle”. He had wanted to serve his dish in a flaming coconut (in honor of Neil Patrick Harris?), but all he did was make skittish judge James Oseland want to call 911. Ta-dah…???

After dinner, the judges are treated to a magic show, in which we are shown THE GREATEST MAGIC TRICK IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING. Some dude pulls a bunny OUT OF HIS WEAVE!!!! Seriously, he didn’t pull a rabbit out of his hat, he pulled a hare out of his hairline. Amazing. I want to learn how to pull a Dust Bunny (preferably Maddie) out of MY weave.

The judges speak to the Cheftestants, and then talk amongst themselves. We find out that they likee Anita (Illusion) and Mark (Mystery), and they didn’t much care for Douglas (Flaming Ball of FAIL) and John Besh (Salmonella Surprise).

The winner – by a wide margin – is Anita Lo, who wins $10,000 for her charity, and advances to the Finals. The show ends with a group hug, and a sneak peak at the next episode, where they’ll be cooking a 3 course meal for 100 guests BY THEMSELVES. But I might not watch, because that maniac weirdo Bravolebrity Jeff Lewis (below) will be judging, and I can’t watch him. He’s even creepier than Max Maven.

Top Chef Masters: Tonight

After taking last week off, Top Chef Masters returns tonight to Bravo at 10:00 PM (EST). Depending on what happens, I may or may not have something to say about the episode on the blog by tomorrow afternoon.

In the meantime, check out some preview videos HERE. And don't forget, Doogie Howser, M.D. guest judges tonight!

But what's better than Neil Patrick Harris on Top Chef Masters? ... Gail Simmons AND HER BOOBIES on Top Chef Masters!!!!!

Gail tweeted earlier today:

Top Chef Masters returns tonight and I am guest judge! Episode boasts a few very special guest stars...sure to be pure MAGIC. Tune in!

I am SO there...