Top Chef Tonight - Ze French Challenge!

I know there is a ton of other stuff on TV tonight (GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!), but don't forget about Top Chef. Tonight is the night the Cheftestants cook for some of the best French Chefs alive (including Top Chef Mastertestant Hubert Keller!). Check out previews HERE.

And keep an eye out for The Minx's recap, which should be posted sometime tomorrow.

Top Chef Masters Ep. 9: "What's My Name?... B-U-T-T-M-U-N-C-H"

Last week on Top Chef Masters, the chef’s cooked a lunch for actress/vegan/gluten-allergic/pain-in-the-ass Zooey Deschanel and her friends. And Art “Food is Love” Smith was sent home after learning that cooking for Vegans is even harder than keeping up with Oprah’s insatiable appetite for Macaroni & Cheese.

Four chefs remain – Hubert Keller, Anita Lo, Rick Bayless, and Michael “David Has Been Saying For Weeks That I’m An Ass” Chiarello. They enter the kitchen and are greeted by Kelly Choi.

Kelly announces that this will be the last Quckfire before the Championship Round. And they’ve saved “the best for last” – the blindfolded taste test. Each chef will taste 20 ingredients – the chef who identifies the most will get 5 Stars.

The chefs wait in the dining room to be called individually. Chef Anita Lo mentions that the charity she is playing for is “Cher” ("Share??”). I had no idea my favorite Gypsy, Tramp & Thief was having money problems…


Michael Chiarello is up first, and he’s all like “Italian, Italian, Italian” – and I’m all like “Puke, Puke, Barf”. FYI: The “Italian” missed mascarpone.

The other chefs follow. Hubert’s favorite part was when Kelly blindfolded him (za French, zey are so kinky, no?), and Rick and Anita both identified something called poppadom correctly. That’s funny, I dated a guy named Dominic once, and he liked it when I called him “BIG Poppa Dom”…

The results of the Quickfire are: Michael Suckmyassiarello wins, followed by Rick and Anita. Hubert comes in last.

Kelly announces this week’s Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be preparing a buffet lunch for 200 people rounded up off Los Angeles streets (AKA “Hollywood Insiders”). Each chef must “hire” three sous chefs to help him or her.

The potential sous chefs enter, and they are all former Top Cheftestants. These include winner Ilan, Asshats Spike and Dale, GENUINE Italian Fabio, and Alex Eusebio – the Dominican cutie who was about to be married when he appeared on Season 5. I know, I’m the only one who remembers him – but you know how I am with the Papis. And you know what they say about Dominican men…


Trust me – it’s true. Anywhore, the Masters will have a few minutes to “interview” each former Cheftestants – and then they’ll pick teams.

Immediately, Michael Chiarello cranks up the douchiness to DoucheWarp 17. The first thing he does is tell LesbiJamie to go find some carrots and a knife and start chopping. And then he wants her to iron his shirts and make him a sandwich. Michael is so douchy, that the douchiest douchebag in Doucheville (AKA “Spike”) thinks Chiarello is simply ridiculous.

Even Richard Blais, the mild-mannered “Molecular Gastronomist” runner-up from Season 4, thought Chiarello was an ass – especially when he started asking everyone “What’s my name?”. Blais answered “Key-A-Rell-ee??” and said that anyone who asks “what’s my name?” should NEVER get their name pronounced correctly. Score one for the Molecular Geekstonomist.

Meanwhile, the non-douchy Masters are actually asking questions and discussing the Cheftestant’s backgrounds. You know, like in a normal interview. CJ said it was like “speed dating for chefs”. If that was the case, Michael Chiarello would have ended up with absolutely NO potential matches and wouldn’t have been invited back.

Slimeiarello gets to pick first – and he picks Fabio. Fabio looks devastated because he, like everyone else, wants to work with the legendary Hubert Keller – not the legendarily asinine Michael Chiarello – Italian or not.

The teams end up as follows:

Team What’s My Name?: Fabio, Brian Malarky, and CJ

Team Bayless: Richard Blais, Papi Alex, Betty

Team Anita Lo: Jamie, Dale, Ilan. Jamie (who worked with Anita years ago) actually suggested she pick Dale. And Ilan – who WON his season of Top Chef – was picked third-to-last (just ahead of Betty and Spike). Ouch.

Team Hubert Keller: Antonia, Elia, and Spike. Spike said that it was a “compliment” to be picked last, because the Masters didn’t want Spike to “outshine” them. And that’s why Spike was the douchiest douchebag in Doucheville … until Michael Chiarello stole his douchy crown.


The chefs meet with their sous chefs. Bayless and Keller really seem to want input, Anita mumbles something about “Asian” and “Raw Bar” and “playing it safe”, and Michael Chiarello demands that his sous chefs go out and wash his car.

Everyone splits up for shopping at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods to spend their $2,000 budgets – and then they all return to the Top Chef kitchen for 3 ½ hours of prep.

Right off the bat, the former Cheftestant sous chefs know that being nice and cordial to your “colleagues” just doesn’t cut it in this game. Dale and the others start claiming fridge and freezer space immediate. Chiarello was too busy worrying about the fact that his sous chefs didn’t polish his hub caps correctly to immediately claim fridge space. When Chiarello figures out what has happened, he tries to intimidate Dale into giving up his refrigerator.

Wrong move. First of all, Dale has a bit of a temper. Secondly, Dale suffers from a condition known as “Short Man’s Disease”. Smaller men sometimes make up for their stature by being combative little wombats. So when Michael stars referring to Dale as “young man”, he might have well have called him “Half-Pint”, “Little Fella” or “Shorty McShrimperstein”.

Dale wasn’t haven’t it and started yelling “Whaddya Gonna DO about it?!?”. Now I realize that violence isn’t usually the answer, but if there was ever a time when it was called for, it was now. I was PRAYING for Dale to smack Chiarello. But Dale didn’t swing, and Michael mumbled something about “Italian Macho” and slithered away. I think if Dale would have thrown the first punch, the rest of the Cheftestants would have probably joined in and piled on. I can just picture Antonia and Betty wailing on Chiarello and screaming “What’s MY name, you little BITCH?!?!”.

Over at Team Anita, Chef Lo is remembering things about Jamie. Like how it takes her forever to prepare seafood. Chef Anita mumbles something diplomatic about Jamie getting “overwhelmed by details”, which is just code for “Damn, that girl is SLOW”.

Prep Day is over – and it’s now Elimination Day. Everyone re-enters the kitchen for what they think will be 2 ½ hours to prepare their buffets. But Kelly walks in and announces a “twist” – the location will now be at a hotel, and they must pack everything up and move to the new site.

Everything is neatly put into the Glad family of products (natch) and shipped over to the hotel. When they get over there, the chefs realize that the buffets will be set up outside in the blazing sun. Kelly then announces the final twist – one sous chef must be cut from each team immediately.

Malarky, Betty, Jamie, and Spike get cut (I’m sure Spike was sent home because he was outshining Hubert Keller). Fabio was glad not to be sent home, since he had worked so hard and was “sweateeng like a mountain-a goat at da bitch!”. Goodness, I miss Fabio…

The well-dressed homeless Hollywood Insiders arrive, as do the judges. They visit Anita Lo’s Asian Buffet first, then Michael Chiarello’s “Rustic Italian Buffet” (which Blais said looked like “a wedding from 1987”), followed by Chef Hubert’s table. Finally, they end up at Rick Bayless’ Mexican Buffet – complete with Richard Blais making tableside sorbet with liquid nitrogen.

The chefs serve and the judges and guests eat. When it’s all over, the four remaining Masters head back to the Judges Table.

While the judges speak to the chefs it becomes very apparent that they really likee Chefs Keller and Bayless, and no likee Chefs Lo and Chiarello. They weren’t thrilled with the sun-cooked “raw” bar from Anita Lo, and the judges had problems with some of Chiarello’s 1987 Wedding items – especially the raggedy swordfish.

Time for the results. Hubert wins, and he and Rick Bayless move on to the final round. This leaves Anita Lo and Michael Chiarello. You can imagine who I wanted to stay.

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Anita Lo is sent home with no money for Cher. And Michael Chiarello is still the douchiest douchebag in Doucheville. AND we have to suffer through another week of his douchiosity.

What’s MY name: "P-I-S-S-E-D".

Top Chef Masters - Ep. 1 - Excuse Me Mister, Who Let You Into My Dorm Room?

Top Chef Masters premiered last night – and I must say, it was enjoyable. It wasn’t life-changing (like RuPaul’s Drag Race) or joyfully squeal-inducing (like Glee) – but it was an entertaining hour of television.

TC Masters is a little different from the regular Top Chef. First of all, since these Chefs already have successful careers – it doesn’t seem likely they would do anything on TV to damage their livelihoods. Thus, things like punching lockers, sabotaging ovens/burners, and picking fights with Lesbians seem out of the question on Top Chef Masters. But never say never…

Secondly, with only four Cheftestants competing each week, there are fewer opportunities for drama/mishaps/etc. Let’s face it, when you have 16 douchenozzles fresh out of culinary school, at least 5 of them are going to use frozen scallops or will screw up soufflé. The four professional Chefs last night were just that … professional.

So, although there weren’t any real fireworks, the show was still recap-worthy. So here it goes...

It’s morning in Los Angeles, and hostess Kelly “I’m not Padma” Choi fills us in on what the Cheftestants are playing for: prizes for themselves and money for a charity of their choice. Blah blah blah. Kelly kept talking, but all I could think about is how much she looks like a Tranny from Singapore …


One-by-one the Cheftestants enter the Top Chef Kitchen – WEST SIIIIIIIDE version. First to arrive is Michael Schlow, who is from Boston and specializes in Italian…


Next up is Frenchie Hubert Keller, who looks like he could be a Pirate if he wasn’t cooking…


Third we have NYC Chef Christopher Lee. CHRISTOPHER LEE IS THE CHUBBY DADDY OF MY DREAMS. I can just imagine him coming home to our apartment late at night – smelling like onions and beef stock – bearing leftovers from the night’s dinner service. As he enters the dimly-lit bedroom, I say “Put that food away Daddy – I’ve got some REAL work for you to do”. And then I grab him by the chef’s coat and …


Sorry, I got carried away. I think Mr. Lee is cute. ‘Nuff said.

Lastly we have former porn star Tim Love. Well, actually I don’t know if he was really a porn star – but he certainly has a good name for it. I DO know, however, that Tim Love is from Texas – because he wears a cowboy hat in the kitchen…


Texas Tim – who is required by Texas Statute #853-501, Section T (for Texas!) that he uses the word “Texas” every 18 seconds, says “I’m just a punk from Texas” He goes on to say that he hasn’t really studied to be a Chef, or worked in any established restaurants, or worked for any established Chefs. Sounds like a man trying to escape from his porn past to me. Now that I think about it, he does resemble the guy who played “Hank” in “Billy’s Branding Iron” back in the early 90’s. He had quite a lasso…

Anywhore, Kelly enters the kitchen and greets the Chefs. She explains that on TC Masters, the Quickfire challenges will all be resurrected from past seasons of Top Chef. For the first Quickfire, the Chefs will create desserts for a group of Girl Scouts. And yes, even these professional Chefs hate making desserts.

The Cheftestants scramble to prepare their desserts. Michael Schlow decides to prepare some candies to “impress the girls”. But things don’t seem to work out too well, and he ends up plating a gooey mess of chocolate and whipped cream. I highly double the girls will be impressed.

Texas Tim is all about strawberries, and is doing “Strawberries – Three Ways” for the girls. Yep, he’s been in porn…

Tranny Kelly calls time, and it’s time for the Girl Scouts to judge.

Of the four Girl Scouts, one of them – the redhead – is the most “opinionated”. In fact, these grown men seem a little intimated by her criticism. I, however, think the girl was simply drunk and full of cocaine. Here she is…


Mean Girl!!

The girls like Hubert Keller’s FANTASIA EXTRAVAGANZA dessert (with Swans and Mice and Custard … OH MY!) the best. On Top Chef Masters they use some kind of star system, and Frenchie gets the most stars. Whatevs.

And even though I hate French Toast, Christopher Lee could dip his Challah bread into my egg batter any day of the week. What? Too much?!?... Sorry.

Kelly tells the Chefs they will be “going back to school” for the elimination challenge. They will have to create a three-course meal using only a toaster oven, a microwave, and a hot plate – the Holy Trinity of college cooking. They will be judged by the esteemed judging panel and a handful of college students.

But first, they go to Whole Foods for shopping. Christopher Lee is cooking pork chops (I know there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere), Hubert looks CLUELESS (Chefs usually get their stuff delivered to them), and Texas Tim is looking to make chili. Because he’s from Texas.

Everyone returns to the Top Chef Kitchen and they put their crap away for the evening.

The next morning they return to the Kitchen, and Big Tex finds out he put his stuff in the FREEZER, not the cooler. Everything (including his fresh vegetables) is frozen solid. Apparently everything’s bigger in Texas – except brain capacity. And don’t leave me nasty comments … and that means you Mom! (who happens to be from Texas).

The Chefs are driven to the college, and find out they will actually be preparing their meals in someone’s dorm room. As they are cooking, the college students stop by their rooms to say hello and sample the food. Michael Schlow states that he likes the idea of cooking for college students, because their “palettes are just emerging”. WTF? At Penn State my college buddies would take bets on how many servings of turkey and stuffing I would eat on "Turkey Night". So if that's what he means by "emerging palettes", then I agree.

Anywhoo, the Chefs scramble to create their three courses. Hubert makes macaroni and cheese – but doesn’t have anywhere to drain and rinse the pasta. So he heads to the showers, which is just nasty.


If Hubert would have actually gone to college, there is no way he would have prepared food in a dorm bathroom. Please wait while I go bathe in Purell…

Ok, I’m back. We see the college student judges being seated – followed by the real judges. The Chef’s enter the “dining room”, and immediately notice Gael Greene. For years, while she was a food critic, Greene would disguise herself using hats and wigs so she wouldn’t be recognized in the restaurants she was reviewing. Here is one of her better disguises…


Just kidding! Actually, GG is pretty fierce (she once hooked up with Elvis – true story). And ever since she got fired from New York Magazine (after 40 years – damn economy!), she has no problems showing her face. But she still loves the hats…


In fact, here is a picture of her home…


The second judge they introduce is James Oseland, the Editor-In-Chief of foodie bible, Saveur magazine…


I have to say, I simply LOVED his work in Revenge of the Nerds…


Thirdly, there’s some British judge – Jay Raynor. Just as long as it’s not Toby Young, he’s A-OK in my book.

One-by-one the fancy-named dishes come out to be tasted. James Oseland remarks that Texas Tim’s faux chili (they didn’t have ground pork at Whole Foods) would be “great football-watching food”. And by “football-watching”, Miss Thang actually means “Dancing With The Stars-watching”.

The judges and students really likee the mac and cheese – because they haven’t been told it actually shared the same air molecules as sweaty college butts. When Chef Hubert does tell the judges how he prepared the pasta, I though prissy James Oseland was going to need his own Purell Bath.

The Chefs return to the kitchen (no Not-So-Glad Storage Room for these fancy bitches!) – and the judges discuss.

Here’s what is boils down to – they no likee Michael Schlow. They kinda likee Texas Tim. But it looks like the competition will be between my husband (Christopher Lee) and Frenchie Hubert Keller. In fact, James Oseland, while discussing Christopher’s Pork Chops, states “The meat … ah, the Angels sang!”. Hey, BACK IT UP AND AWAY FROM MY MAN, Beeyotch. If you so much as mention his delicious pork again, I will cut you.

Wait a second, Gael is also loving on my man - smiling and flirting with him! PUT A HAT ON IT, SISTER!

Time for the results. Stars are awarded zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. As I predicted, Michael is eliminated, followed by The Long Lone Ranger – leaving Christopher and Hubert. Hubert ends up with the most stars – and he is the winner of this round.

It’s all very friendly and non-confrontational – kind of like the show itself. I look forward to seeing what happens next week. In the meantime, I’ll be praying for a Lesbian fight.