Last week on Step It Up and Dance (see recap here) - gay "sisters" James and Miguel pronounced themselves the "Mean Girls", Nicole's go-go boots got-got her sent to the hospital, Jessica ran off the stage mid-routine, and Adriana was sent home for lack of dance skills. Oh, and I vowed to cut any bitch who messed with my man, hot Papi Michael Silas.
This week's show opens on a sunny Los Angeles morning with StraightNick and ReallyGayJames in the kitchen. James is wearing nothing but underwear, which understandably bothers Nick. Not because Nick is straight, but because James in nothing but underwear is frightening. When asked to put some clothes on, James "moons" Nick, who now becomes even STRAIGHTER. Nick suddenly has no appetite for bacon and eggs, but he REALLY wants to see some girl-on-girl porn - NOW.
James' gay "sister" (and fellow "Mean Girl") Miguel is still upset about what judge Nancy O'Meara said to him regarding his last performance. "She said my freestyle was a bit on the girly side", Miguel remembers bitterly. However, I don't think he recalled exactly what she said. Judge Nancy (who could give Judge Judy a run for her money) said something more along the lines of: "Listen Mary, if you don't quit swishing and start dancing like someone with a penis - you and your tiara will be on the next bus back to Gayville!!!" Nancy believes in "tough love", obvs.
The dancers receive a note regarding their next challenge. They will be taking a "journey to the underworld", and should dress in “provocative” clothing. James immediately decides he's going to win the challenge "because I'm the sexiest!", and runs to get dressed. He considers wearing a "g-string and fringes", but apparently forgot to pack them. Nick makes a mental note to pick up ADDITIONAL girl-on-girl porn during this "journey to the underworld".
The dancetestants get dressed and head out. They end up at the "King King Club", a local nightclub which does a burlesque show called "L'effleur des Sens". Host Elizabeth Berkley and mentor Jerry Mitchell welcome the competitors, whose gayness has now turned the venue into the "Queen Queen Club".
The first performance of the show was VERY "Cabaret-The-Musical-esque", with lots of slutty and vaguely foreign women kicking up their legs and showing Nick what he's missing. These gals are REALLY sexing it up for the audience. So much so, that Sexy Papi Michael notices how they're "enticing and teasing us", which is EXACTLY what Michael is doing to ME. But wait, why does Michael looks so interested in these Ho's?!? Oh Lord, I'm gonna have to start cutting bitches EARLY this week! But seriously, I thought Michael was gay??!…
After an energetic female dancer performs the "Shimmy" (to a standing ovation), we get the final dance number at the King King Club. It is a bizarre performance, with one man and two woman doing steamy dance moves together which somehow morphs into simulated violence. The women hit the man over the head with a (fake) bottle, knock him down, and proceed to kick the crap out of him. This number was apparently choreographed by Rosie O'Donnell, with music and lyrics by Gloria Steinem.
After the performance, we are introduced to Cati Jean, the creator and choreographer of "L'effleur des Sens". We also meet Carolina Cerisola, a prominent dancer who's worked with Prince, Sting, and Justin Timberlake. Both women will be the guest judges this week.
Cati explains that what they have just witnessed was called an "Apache" dance, which is pronounced "ah-PAHSH" - not "a-PATCH-ee" like the Indian tribe. The Apache is a violent dance which interprets the interaction between a pimp and his prostitute. To give you an example: Bobby Brown's marriage to Whitney Houston was one big Apache Dance. With some crack added in to spice things up a bit.
What I don't understand is - why do they need a whole CATEGORY of dance devoted to pimps and prostitutes? Is that really necessary? It seems just a little SPECIFIC. If they want an inspiration for a new category of dance, they should do one based on my interactions with Time Warner Cable Customer Service. It would be called an "Abunchofincompetentbitches" Dance. THAT would be a showstopper!
Anywhoo, the dancers are told they will have an hour to learn a routine, perform, and then be divided into the usual winning and elimination groups.
The dancers partner up, and some are obviously more comfortable than others. Cody "enjoys doing partner work" (he charges $250 per hour for "full service”). Jessica - after running off the stage during last week's performance - is trying to prove to the rest that she is a good dancer. Sexy Papi Michael is worried about dropping his partner during one of the lifts (don't worry Baby, you couldn't even LIFT me and therefore could never drop me). Miguel doesn't have "a lot of partnering experience" (with that face, I believe him). And James, who calls himself "Supergay 2007", knows his biggest weakness is his "masculinity". Unfortunately he DOESN'T know that it's 2008.
They get separated into two groups:
Group #1: Mochi, Tovah, Cody, Oscar, and StraightNick
Group #2: Jessica, Janelle (who has immunity from last week's win), Papi Michael, and the Mean Girls - James and Miguel.
The twist? They won't reveal which group is the winning group, and which group is the elimination group until later.
Miguel bitches about being stuck on the same team as Jessica again this week. He recalls the last performance, when Jessica ran offstage in the middle of the routine, leaving her partner Miguel high and dry. And apparently Miguel (and some of the others) are not trying to hide their lack of respect for our blond bombshell. Jessica is definitely NOT feeling the love from the other dancetestants.
This lack of love takes its toll on Miss Jessica who begins to cry backstage, and suddenly decides she wants to go home. Jerry, in his role as mentor and gay best friend, rushes to her aid. He tells her she is "tall and gorgeous", and she should "think about that". He conveniently omitted telling her that she was a good dancer, which is similar to describing an ugly girl as having a "nice personality". But Jerry's little pep-talk was enough to get Miss Overwhelmed back on board.
Back at the Step It Up and Dance Studio, the dancetestants gather for one more surprise – each team must create their own choreography in telling their Pimp/Ho story. Jerry advises them to concentrate on the characters more than anything else. They have only 1 ½ hours to create their routine.
Group #1 is first, and Cody immediately morphs into Bob Fosse and takes charge. He starts off by envisioning himself as a pimp “going up to see the prostitutes”, and it sounds like Cody has done this before. Tovah, on the other hand, is a little taken aback by the whole thing. “I’ve never been a prostitute before!” she complains – and is upset that Cody is acting like she should know what to do. And Cody basically shuts down every idea that Nick has. Fosse runs a tight ship!
Time for Group #2. Miguel is complaining that Jessica is “so second grade”, which is so FIRST grade of him. Miguel is channeling Martha Graham, and has turned into Group #2’s choreographer. The story they decide to tell, it turns out, is true to life for Papi Michael – because they are telling the story of someone who can’t decide between the male and female Ho’s. Michael says in real life he is “bisexual” – which he and I have in common. Oh wait, I am BUYsexual, I forgot. Never mind.
Now let me tell you a little something about “Bisexuals”. It’s been my experience that, in men anyway, true bisexuality VERY rarely exists. Someone claiming they are Bi is usually just a short pit stop on their way down the Homo Highway. Once they’ve reached Penisville, they completely forget about ever spending time in Vajayjay City. And they NEVER return.
Or someone could, hypothetically, really be GAY – but not want his family to have to totally deal with it. And say this person comes from a conservative Catholic Latino background, and is getting ready to appear on a dance reality show. And this very attractive Latino dancer doesn’t want to further upset his Catholic Mami and elderly Abuelita, and bring his family complete shame. So on television, this Papi might say he is “Bisexual”. This, of course, is just a theory…
Anywhoo, Miguel/Martha Graham isn’t impressed with Michael’s dancing, saying “Mike thinks he’s an amazing dancer, which is annoying”. I’m sharpening my knife Missy – be careful!!
GayJames’ character, on the other hand, is a straight guy who paid for a female hooker. James needs to be “macho mucho manly” in order to pull this off. I'm sorry, but there is NO WAY he can be convincing in Vajayjay City…
Group #2’s time is up, and Jessica mentions that they never really finished the end of their routine. Back at the apartments, she heads to the Mean Girls pad to try and get some rehearsal time. But unfortunately she has arrived during the cocktail hour, and Miguel and James are having a gay old time sipping wine and being catty. Jessica and Papi Michael FINALLY convince them to rehearse.
In the other apartment, Oscar is wearing nothing but little teeny white short-shorts (what is up with these bitches being naked?). Mochi and Cody ask him to put some clothes on, but Oscar claims it’s all about freedom of expression. Well I want freedom from having to see Oscar’s nipples – what about MY rights?!?
Later, Oscar makes a phone call to his mother in Italy. It turns out she has Liver Cancer, and today is her birthday. This upsets me, because how am I supposed to talk nasty about him now that I know he’s competing for his dying mother?!? Seriously, life isn’t fair…for ME.
It’s Performance Day, and the dancers are getting into wardrobe and makeup. James is putting on his “game face”, which apparently involves lots of mascara. Tovah is complaining about her big boobs – which is NOT a good thing for a ballet dancer. She should have become a stripper, er, GO-GO DANCER (like Nicole) – where “the twins” would have been appreciated.
Jerry reveals which team is which. Group #1 (Cody, Nick, Tovah, Mochi, and Oscar) are the winning team. One of them will win immunity for next week. Group #2 (Michael, Janelle, Jessica, Miguel and James) are on the elimination team – one of them (except immune Janelle) will be going home.
We are introduced to our judges:
Vincent Paterson – who gives off a very “older gentleman picking up trade at the hustler bar” vibe.
Mean Nancy O’Meara – who is waiting to see if Miguel can butch it up.
Cati and Carolina – the guest judges this week.
And finally, Elizabeth Berkley, who is qualified to be a judge in a dance competition because she played a stripper in a movie once.
It’s Showtime. The winning group goes first.
Oscar seems to really shine – practically raping Tovah on stage, and beating up Cody and Nick. He is actually really good, looks VERY butch, and dare I say it – comes across as SEXY on stage. Or maybe I’m just feeling sorry about his Moms.
The judges REALLY likee this performance. Cati had “goose bumps”, Cody “danced like a man”, and Vincent was impressed by everyone but Nick. “I was waiting for it”, Vincent tells Nick – which is the exact same thing he said last night at the hustler bar.
The judges do some more judging, and decide Oscar is the overall winner. He has immunity next week.
Time for Group #2 – the elimination group. Before they go on stage, James is trying to psych himself into “being a man”, and Miguel is still paranoid that Nasty Nancy “thinks I’m a fag”. But Miguel says he is “a lot more versatile than who I sleep with”, and I’m not going to touch that with a ten foot pole.
During the performance, the judges make lemon-sucking faces and shake their heads in disappointment. Onstage, James looks like a queen going shoe shopping – not a man trying to buy some booty. Michael is gorgeous as the Bisexual trying to decide between a man and a woman. Wait, did he just KISS Miguel during the dance number! I WILL cut a bitch!
After they finish, the judges start hatin’. They tell Janelle that if she didn’t have immunity, SHE would be going home – which makes her cry. Apparently she danced like a sloppy prostitute (which I thought was the whole idea). They LOVED Jessica (for a change), and Vincent called her a beautiful “baby gazelle” – but still didn’t say she was a good dancer. And Nancy was happy that Miguel did indeed butch it up.
They tell Michael that he needs to stand out more. Michael explains that he didn’t want to upstage the other dancers, to which Vincent responds that it’s time to stop doing the “I’m a nice guy” routine. Personal note to Michael: this is a competition Papi – we need to win this money so we can start our life together! Get focused!!
The judges do the typical reality show trick and ask the “throw each other under the bus” question: “Who do each of you think should go home?”
James – “Michael” – I WILL cut a bitch.
Miguel – “Mike” – I will cut TWO bitches.
Janelle – “Mike” – More cutting...
Jessica – “Mike”. This shit is getting ridiculous! Jessica will NO LONGER be a beautiful gazelle after all my cutting!
When they ask “nice guy” Michael, he does indeed go the nice guy route and refuses to name someone. Then, just to rub it in, the judges ask him how it feels that the rest of his teammates named HIM as the weakest link. Michael responds by saying, “It hurts, but you gotta keep it moving”, and you “have to have a thick skin” in this business. You tell them Papi!
The judges talk amongst themselves, and discuss the fact that although Michael was named by all his teammates, no one had any SPECIFIC reasons why Michael should go home. They say that Miguel, although butch, was “all over the place”. And James was “too feminine” and broke character – a BIG no-no.
Jessica and Janelle are safe and leave the stage. That leaves Michael and the Mean Girls.
Michael is safe and he responds by saying “thank you” to the judges. See bitches, nice guys don’t necessarily finish last. That leaves the evil gay sisters – one of whom will be going home.
“James, the show is over. It’s time for your last dance.” He hugs his sister Miguel, and exits, stage right. He shoulda wore the g-string and fringes…
This week's show opens on a sunny Los Angeles morning with StraightNick and ReallyGayJames in the kitchen. James is wearing nothing but underwear, which understandably bothers Nick. Not because Nick is straight, but because James in nothing but underwear is frightening. When asked to put some clothes on, James "moons" Nick, who now becomes even STRAIGHTER. Nick suddenly has no appetite for bacon and eggs, but he REALLY wants to see some girl-on-girl porn - NOW.
James' gay "sister" (and fellow "Mean Girl") Miguel is still upset about what judge Nancy O'Meara said to him regarding his last performance. "She said my freestyle was a bit on the girly side", Miguel remembers bitterly. However, I don't think he recalled exactly what she said. Judge Nancy (who could give Judge Judy a run for her money) said something more along the lines of: "Listen Mary, if you don't quit swishing and start dancing like someone with a penis - you and your tiara will be on the next bus back to Gayville!!!" Nancy believes in "tough love", obvs.
The dancers receive a note regarding their next challenge. They will be taking a "journey to the underworld", and should dress in “provocative” clothing. James immediately decides he's going to win the challenge "because I'm the sexiest!", and runs to get dressed. He considers wearing a "g-string and fringes", but apparently forgot to pack them. Nick makes a mental note to pick up ADDITIONAL girl-on-girl porn during this "journey to the underworld".
The dancetestants get dressed and head out. They end up at the "King King Club", a local nightclub which does a burlesque show called "L'effleur des Sens". Host Elizabeth Berkley and mentor Jerry Mitchell welcome the competitors, whose gayness has now turned the venue into the "Queen Queen Club".
The first performance of the show was VERY "Cabaret-The-Musical-esque", with lots of slutty and vaguely foreign women kicking up their legs and showing Nick what he's missing. These gals are REALLY sexing it up for the audience. So much so, that Sexy Papi Michael notices how they're "enticing and teasing us", which is EXACTLY what Michael is doing to ME. But wait, why does Michael looks so interested in these Ho's?!? Oh Lord, I'm gonna have to start cutting bitches EARLY this week! But seriously, I thought Michael was gay??!…
After an energetic female dancer performs the "Shimmy" (to a standing ovation), we get the final dance number at the King King Club. It is a bizarre performance, with one man and two woman doing steamy dance moves together which somehow morphs into simulated violence. The women hit the man over the head with a (fake) bottle, knock him down, and proceed to kick the crap out of him. This number was apparently choreographed by Rosie O'Donnell, with music and lyrics by Gloria Steinem.
After the performance, we are introduced to Cati Jean, the creator and choreographer of "L'effleur des Sens". We also meet Carolina Cerisola, a prominent dancer who's worked with Prince, Sting, and Justin Timberlake. Both women will be the guest judges this week.
Cati explains that what they have just witnessed was called an "Apache" dance, which is pronounced "ah-PAHSH" - not "a-PATCH-ee" like the Indian tribe. The Apache is a violent dance which interprets the interaction between a pimp and his prostitute. To give you an example: Bobby Brown's marriage to Whitney Houston was one big Apache Dance. With some crack added in to spice things up a bit.
What I don't understand is - why do they need a whole CATEGORY of dance devoted to pimps and prostitutes? Is that really necessary? It seems just a little SPECIFIC. If they want an inspiration for a new category of dance, they should do one based on my interactions with Time Warner Cable Customer Service. It would be called an "Abunchofincompetentbitches" Dance. THAT would be a showstopper!
Anywhoo, the dancers are told they will have an hour to learn a routine, perform, and then be divided into the usual winning and elimination groups.
The dancers partner up, and some are obviously more comfortable than others. Cody "enjoys doing partner work" (he charges $250 per hour for "full service”). Jessica - after running off the stage during last week's performance - is trying to prove to the rest that she is a good dancer. Sexy Papi Michael is worried about dropping his partner during one of the lifts (don't worry Baby, you couldn't even LIFT me and therefore could never drop me). Miguel doesn't have "a lot of partnering experience" (with that face, I believe him). And James, who calls himself "Supergay 2007", knows his biggest weakness is his "masculinity". Unfortunately he DOESN'T know that it's 2008.
They get separated into two groups:
Group #1: Mochi, Tovah, Cody, Oscar, and StraightNick
Group #2: Jessica, Janelle (who has immunity from last week's win), Papi Michael, and the Mean Girls - James and Miguel.
The twist? They won't reveal which group is the winning group, and which group is the elimination group until later.
Miguel bitches about being stuck on the same team as Jessica again this week. He recalls the last performance, when Jessica ran offstage in the middle of the routine, leaving her partner Miguel high and dry. And apparently Miguel (and some of the others) are not trying to hide their lack of respect for our blond bombshell. Jessica is definitely NOT feeling the love from the other dancetestants.
This lack of love takes its toll on Miss Jessica who begins to cry backstage, and suddenly decides she wants to go home. Jerry, in his role as mentor and gay best friend, rushes to her aid. He tells her she is "tall and gorgeous", and she should "think about that". He conveniently omitted telling her that she was a good dancer, which is similar to describing an ugly girl as having a "nice personality". But Jerry's little pep-talk was enough to get Miss Overwhelmed back on board.
Back at the Step It Up and Dance Studio, the dancetestants gather for one more surprise – each team must create their own choreography in telling their Pimp/Ho story. Jerry advises them to concentrate on the characters more than anything else. They have only 1 ½ hours to create their routine.
Group #1 is first, and Cody immediately morphs into Bob Fosse and takes charge. He starts off by envisioning himself as a pimp “going up to see the prostitutes”, and it sounds like Cody has done this before. Tovah, on the other hand, is a little taken aback by the whole thing. “I’ve never been a prostitute before!” she complains – and is upset that Cody is acting like she should know what to do. And Cody basically shuts down every idea that Nick has. Fosse runs a tight ship!
Time for Group #2. Miguel is complaining that Jessica is “so second grade”, which is so FIRST grade of him. Miguel is channeling Martha Graham, and has turned into Group #2’s choreographer. The story they decide to tell, it turns out, is true to life for Papi Michael – because they are telling the story of someone who can’t decide between the male and female Ho’s. Michael says in real life he is “bisexual” – which he and I have in common. Oh wait, I am BUYsexual, I forgot. Never mind.
Now let me tell you a little something about “Bisexuals”. It’s been my experience that, in men anyway, true bisexuality VERY rarely exists. Someone claiming they are Bi is usually just a short pit stop on their way down the Homo Highway. Once they’ve reached Penisville, they completely forget about ever spending time in Vajayjay City. And they NEVER return.
Or someone could, hypothetically, really be GAY – but not want his family to have to totally deal with it. And say this person comes from a conservative Catholic Latino background, and is getting ready to appear on a dance reality show. And this very attractive Latino dancer doesn’t want to further upset his Catholic Mami and elderly Abuelita, and bring his family complete shame. So on television, this Papi might say he is “Bisexual”. This, of course, is just a theory…
Anywhoo, Miguel/Martha Graham isn’t impressed with Michael’s dancing, saying “Mike thinks he’s an amazing dancer, which is annoying”. I’m sharpening my knife Missy – be careful!!
GayJames’ character, on the other hand, is a straight guy who paid for a female hooker. James needs to be “macho mucho manly” in order to pull this off. I'm sorry, but there is NO WAY he can be convincing in Vajayjay City…
Group #2’s time is up, and Jessica mentions that they never really finished the end of their routine. Back at the apartments, she heads to the Mean Girls pad to try and get some rehearsal time. But unfortunately she has arrived during the cocktail hour, and Miguel and James are having a gay old time sipping wine and being catty. Jessica and Papi Michael FINALLY convince them to rehearse.
In the other apartment, Oscar is wearing nothing but little teeny white short-shorts (what is up with these bitches being naked?). Mochi and Cody ask him to put some clothes on, but Oscar claims it’s all about freedom of expression. Well I want freedom from having to see Oscar’s nipples – what about MY rights?!?
Later, Oscar makes a phone call to his mother in Italy. It turns out she has Liver Cancer, and today is her birthday. This upsets me, because how am I supposed to talk nasty about him now that I know he’s competing for his dying mother?!? Seriously, life isn’t fair…for ME.
It’s Performance Day, and the dancers are getting into wardrobe and makeup. James is putting on his “game face”, which apparently involves lots of mascara. Tovah is complaining about her big boobs – which is NOT a good thing for a ballet dancer. She should have become a stripper, er, GO-GO DANCER (like Nicole) – where “the twins” would have been appreciated.
Jerry reveals which team is which. Group #1 (Cody, Nick, Tovah, Mochi, and Oscar) are the winning team. One of them will win immunity for next week. Group #2 (Michael, Janelle, Jessica, Miguel and James) are on the elimination team – one of them (except immune Janelle) will be going home.
We are introduced to our judges:
Vincent Paterson – who gives off a very “older gentleman picking up trade at the hustler bar” vibe.
Mean Nancy O’Meara – who is waiting to see if Miguel can butch it up.
Cati and Carolina – the guest judges this week.
And finally, Elizabeth Berkley, who is qualified to be a judge in a dance competition because she played a stripper in a movie once.
It’s Showtime. The winning group goes first.
Oscar seems to really shine – practically raping Tovah on stage, and beating up Cody and Nick. He is actually really good, looks VERY butch, and dare I say it – comes across as SEXY on stage. Or maybe I’m just feeling sorry about his Moms.
The judges REALLY likee this performance. Cati had “goose bumps”, Cody “danced like a man”, and Vincent was impressed by everyone but Nick. “I was waiting for it”, Vincent tells Nick – which is the exact same thing he said last night at the hustler bar.
The judges do some more judging, and decide Oscar is the overall winner. He has immunity next week.
Time for Group #2 – the elimination group. Before they go on stage, James is trying to psych himself into “being a man”, and Miguel is still paranoid that Nasty Nancy “thinks I’m a fag”. But Miguel says he is “a lot more versatile than who I sleep with”, and I’m not going to touch that with a ten foot pole.
During the performance, the judges make lemon-sucking faces and shake their heads in disappointment. Onstage, James looks like a queen going shoe shopping – not a man trying to buy some booty. Michael is gorgeous as the Bisexual trying to decide between a man and a woman. Wait, did he just KISS Miguel during the dance number! I WILL cut a bitch!
After they finish, the judges start hatin’. They tell Janelle that if she didn’t have immunity, SHE would be going home – which makes her cry. Apparently she danced like a sloppy prostitute (which I thought was the whole idea). They LOVED Jessica (for a change), and Vincent called her a beautiful “baby gazelle” – but still didn’t say she was a good dancer. And Nancy was happy that Miguel did indeed butch it up.
They tell Michael that he needs to stand out more. Michael explains that he didn’t want to upstage the other dancers, to which Vincent responds that it’s time to stop doing the “I’m a nice guy” routine. Personal note to Michael: this is a competition Papi – we need to win this money so we can start our life together! Get focused!!
The judges do the typical reality show trick and ask the “throw each other under the bus” question: “Who do each of you think should go home?”
James – “Michael” – I WILL cut a bitch.
Miguel – “Mike” – I will cut TWO bitches.
Janelle – “Mike” – More cutting...
Jessica – “Mike”. This shit is getting ridiculous! Jessica will NO LONGER be a beautiful gazelle after all my cutting!
When they ask “nice guy” Michael, he does indeed go the nice guy route and refuses to name someone. Then, just to rub it in, the judges ask him how it feels that the rest of his teammates named HIM as the weakest link. Michael responds by saying, “It hurts, but you gotta keep it moving”, and you “have to have a thick skin” in this business. You tell them Papi!
The judges talk amongst themselves, and discuss the fact that although Michael was named by all his teammates, no one had any SPECIFIC reasons why Michael should go home. They say that Miguel, although butch, was “all over the place”. And James was “too feminine” and broke character – a BIG no-no.
Jessica and Janelle are safe and leave the stage. That leaves Michael and the Mean Girls.
Michael is safe and he responds by saying “thank you” to the judges. See bitches, nice guys don’t necessarily finish last. That leaves the evil gay sisters – one of whom will be going home.
“James, the show is over. It’s time for your last dance.” He hugs his sister Miguel, and exits, stage right. He shoulda wore the g-string and fringes…
Just remember, it doesn’t pay to be mean, girls.
Next week – the dancetestants “hit the streets” and Janelle dances like “a white girl at the club”. Till then bitches!
