I finally figured it out. After 14 episodes Project Runway - of Ricky’s tears, Victorya’s sour-ass face, Jillian’s mumbling, and shirtless shots of Jack, Kevin, and Rami – I came to the conclusion that this entire season was all about our beloved Mango/Christian.
Mango was definitely the star this season. All those other designers were just Mango’s supporting cast. Mango was Bette Davis in All About Eve (“Mango Channing”?) – and the rest of those bitches were Anne Baxter, Celeste Holm and Thelma Ritter. Fasten your seatbelts – it’s going to be a bumpy night!
The show opens with our nervous and impatient Mango – who is READY to get this show on the road. Jillian enters the room where Mango and Rami are lounging – and asks if her hair is OK. Jillian honey, your hair is NEVER OK. She then puts an Elmer Fudd hunting cap on her head and they all leave. Jillian just can’t seem to get anything right from the neck on up.
They head to the workroom – where all the designers eye each other’s collections. Rami notices Mango’s “look of concern”, but I think Mango’s just checking out Rami’s extremely fine ass.
Tim Gunn enters (playing the role of “Polly Syllabicus”, the kind-hearted Granny with a big vocabulary). Tim heads straight for Jillian, who shows him a sweater with mop heads for sleeves (obviously inspired by her hair). Speaking of Jillian’s hair, what is up with it today? I can’t tell if it’s just matted on top (maybe from the Elmer Fudd cap?), or maybe there is some kind of something up in there. God – she is TRAGIC in the hair department.
Anywhoo – back to the MopSweater. Polly Syllabicus says it looks “incongruous”, which as you all know means – “that shit be out of place up in here”. Um, yeah…that’s what happens when you make a sweater with mop heads for sleeves – it doesn’t go with ANYTHING. Unless you wear it with a toilet brush skirt and a Brillo hat.
Mango was definitely the star this season. All those other designers were just Mango’s supporting cast. Mango was Bette Davis in All About Eve (“Mango Channing”?) – and the rest of those bitches were Anne Baxter, Celeste Holm and Thelma Ritter. Fasten your seatbelts – it’s going to be a bumpy night!
The show opens with our nervous and impatient Mango – who is READY to get this show on the road. Jillian enters the room where Mango and Rami are lounging – and asks if her hair is OK. Jillian honey, your hair is NEVER OK. She then puts an Elmer Fudd hunting cap on her head and they all leave. Jillian just can’t seem to get anything right from the neck on up.
They head to the workroom – where all the designers eye each other’s collections. Rami notices Mango’s “look of concern”, but I think Mango’s just checking out Rami’s extremely fine ass.
Tim Gunn enters (playing the role of “Polly Syllabicus”, the kind-hearted Granny with a big vocabulary). Tim heads straight for Jillian, who shows him a sweater with mop heads for sleeves (obviously inspired by her hair). Speaking of Jillian’s hair, what is up with it today? I can’t tell if it’s just matted on top (maybe from the Elmer Fudd cap?), or maybe there is some kind of something up in there. God – she is TRAGIC in the hair department.
Anywhoo – back to the MopSweater. Polly Syllabicus says it looks “incongruous”, which as you all know means – “that shit be out of place up in here”. Um, yeah…that’s what happens when you make a sweater with mop heads for sleeves – it doesn’t go with ANYTHING. Unless you wear it with a toilet brush skirt and a Brillo hat.
Rami shows Tim his elegant creations – in which he used 1930’s antique lace, among other things, as his materials (as opposed to mop heads). “Phenomenal” and “knockout” are a few of the words Tim uses to describe Rami’s collection. Tim likee.
Tim then moves to the star of our show – Mango. He is eager to see what our fierce diva hath created. But our Mango is a little unsure of himself today – “you look nervous”, Tim says. Mango shows Tim the skinny pants, skinny jackets, and fluffy collars that have come to represent our little Creative Critter. Tim’s advice: “Is it over designed? – think about it”. Tim wonders where the confident and cocky Christian is.
Mango is SO unsure of himself, he even starts PRAISING Jillian and Rami! What is this world coming to? Bette, get hold of yourself! Don’t EVER say ANYTHING nice about Joan Crawford – EVER. You know the rules.
They all head over to the model casting – where Mango announces he needs some “amazing” girls. To illustrate, he gives us another runway demonstration, while wearing one of Jillian’s hats (which DOES look like a brush, actually). Jillian has never done a casting before, and seems overwhelmed, as usual. How can someone be so cool with a MopSweater, but then get freaked out while picking models to wear said MopSweater? I just don’t get it.
The models come and go. As Rami said, some were great, some just OK, and some were “tragic”. He wasn’t kidding. I think some of these girls came from the Flushing Queens Academy of Modeling and Cosmetology – Hot Tranny Mess Division. It’s right beside the school that Sweet P went to – the Clusterfuckery Fashion Institute (CFI). Just a quick subway ride on the 7 Train!
Mango wants girls who are “edgy” and “dark” (just like I like my MEN). Here are his instructions to the model casting people: “I need fierce tallness and walks for days”. Seriously Mango – you just won this competition for that statement ALONE. I can see him in 20 years, in his Garment District office barking into the speakerphone: “Get me FIERCE TALLNESS and WALKS FOR DAYS!!!”. This kid is going places.
It’s bedtime for our Tranny Trio of designers, and the next day they wake up for their makeup consultations with Collier Strong. Rami is going for “chiseled”, Jillian wants “natural”, and Mango is looking for “gorgeous”. Or maybe “gorgeous for days”.
They then do their model fittings – where Rami gets his first good look at Mango’s collection. Rami dismisses it as “over the top”, saying Mango has a lot to learn about dressing women – not just models. Ramina dear, this is a fashion SHOW – you will be dressing MODELS…
Mango’s models have started the Great Shoe Rebellion of 2008. They claim the shoes are horrible and they can’t walk in them. Mango states that he has PERSONALLY walked around his tiny apartment for a week in these shoes – and they are “flawless”. “It’s not all about comfort ladies!”. Mango quashes the rebellion and dismisses his models for the night. “Be really skinny – don’t eat” are his parting instructions. Mango runs a tight ship bitches!
Then we have the requisite scene where Jillian questions herself, mumbles, and adjusts her bangs. Enough said. Her model selection apparently resembles the United Colors and Heights of Benetton. Here is her mixed-matched model lineup:
They all consult with Nathaniel, the Tresemme Hair Queen. Jillian requests “floaty, bouncy, and perfect” hair – all the things HER hair isn’t. Mango’s instructions: “Be fierce!”. Again – he is GOING PLACES, I tell ya!
Tim calls them for one last “gather-round” and announces the order in which they will show their collections: Jillian, then Rami, then Mango. Tim then gets a little verklempt praising our final three for their talent – and morphs into Stuart Smalley. “You’re good enough, you’re smart enough – and doggone it, people like you!”, he tells the three remaining designers. Amen.
Our Tranny Trio goes to bed one last time…knowing that tomorrow Mango, er...SOMEONE, will be the winner.
They awaken at 4:15 am – and everyone is a bundle of raw nerves. They pack up their things, and we see the plethora of hair products that Jillian possesses – brushes, sprays, gels, and at least two curling irons. I’d hate to see what that rat’s nest would look like if she DIDN’T have all this “help”. Probably something like this:
They head over to the Bryant Park tents – the hub of New York Fashion Week. The main tent is cavernous (and still empty at this hour). They walk the runway and have another group hug (killing time much?!?). “This is it guys”…Jillian says.
It is now just two hours before the show, and it’s utter chaos backstage. Mango’s girls are late, Jillian’s seams are coming undone (literally), and Rami is busy looking way too confident.
But wait – what is this? – Mango is having a nervous breakdown!. “I’m so over these girls” he wails. We almost see tears. “It’s soooo unfair!!!” he whines. Just then his last model shows and there is a total turnaround in his mood and even his voice. Mango is back!!!
Rami tells us AGAIN how this has been a dream of his since he was 5-years-old. I am really glad this season is almost over – just so I don’t have to listen to that noise anymore. Please Rami, tell us AGAIN how “politically complicated” Jerusalem is – with its THREE MAJOR RELIGIONS, and all!
The star of our show tells us how this is “make or break” for Mango. He has no opportunities coming down the pike (yeah, right) and the bitch needs money. Jillian mumbles something about something…
The “star-studded” crowd has filled into the tent and awaits the start of the show. And by “star-studded”, I mean every bitch who has EVER been on a Bravo show – as well as Posh Spice/Victoria Beckham (the guest judge). She is wearing a kumquat/orange-colored dress – and I promptly decide that “kumquat” is the nastiest word EVER. Seriously, it’s just a gross word, and no one should ever use it…
Heidi comes onto the runway to introduce Michael Kors (wearing a scarf and sunglasses – but no diaper pants), Meana Garzilla (who’s obviously hit the Champagne backstage because she’s smiling more than EVER), and Kumquat Spice. “Let’s start the show!”.
Jillian comes out first. She looks adorable – and her hair is acceptable. She gives us a cute curtsy…
Her collection is CUTE…but I’m not seeing anything that will sober Nina Garcia up. The MopSweater comes out – and even that looks fine. In the audience, Jillian’s father has ditched his trucker cap, Jillian’s boyfriend doesn’t look nearly as cute as he did on Long Island, and Tyson Beckford has FIERCE eyebrows. We get a final curtsy, and Tim gives Jillian some final encouraging words backstage.
Rami is next. He comes out and gives us a few comments about “celebrating women”, blah blah blah. If he says “Jerusalem” or “5-years-old” I will die of barfness. They show Rami’s “Family and Friends”…why don’t they say that the cute guy is Rami’s boyfriend (as one of my Dust Bunnies confirmed last week)? Maybe because his parents still live in an “Arab environment”?
His collection is TOTALLY Rami. Gorgeous gowns. Draping. Basketweaving. But then they cut to a shot of SourFace Victorya in the audience. Ugh. That bitch is evil. The Evil Witch has come to curse Rami – he is doomed. I managed to get a screen-capture of Victorya from the audience:
I hate to say it – but Rami’s collection is a little boring. And what is up with Rami and olive green? That bitch LOVES olive green. Could it be due to the “Arab environment” he grew up in?...
Now it’s time for the Grand Diva and Star of our show. Mango comes out, thanks his Hot Tranny Mess of a family – and tells everyone they look fierce. It’s time for the Mango magic to happen ya’ll…
The music pumps and the crowd cheers as the first girl struts down the runway. She is giving us fierce tallness and walks for days. Work!! There are hats, gloves, skinny pants and ruffles…Work!!!! Mango is BRINGING IT TO YOU BITCHES! Nina Garcia has sobered up and is practically clapping with the thumping House Music. Michael Kors has peed himself a little (too bad he forgot the diaper pants). Mango, at just 21-years-old, is teaching a Master Class in Fierceness. LEARN IT BITCHES – AND LEARN IT WELL!!!!!!!
In a voiceover, Mango tells us how he LOVES Victoria Beckham, and how he would love to dress her. Well, Posh looks like she wants to hogtie our little Mango and keep him in her basement making ruffled collars for her. Victoria Beckham is SMILING bitches…this is over.
OK – time for Mango’s finale look: the famous Chicken Pants. But wait…no Chicken Pants!?!…it’s now a CHICKEN GOWN BITCHES!!!! The crowd is going wild! Even the miserable Carmen (like the opera) Webber (like the musical composer) smiles from the audience! Mango walks down the runway after his models and gives us a victory twirl. I need a cigarette (and I’ve never smoked in my life)! Did I mention the CHICKEN GOWN?? – I am GAGGING on the glamour…(or maybe the feathers)…
Mango’s comment after the show: “Whatever happens, happens – but I need a hundred grand”. Going places, I tell ya!!!
Time for the judges to judge. They are impressed by the show, in general. Nina comments that on this last day of Fashion Week, this show was just as good as the rest of the crap she saw all week (I’m sure Donna Karan was THRILLED to hear that).
The designers line up on the runway one last time, and Heidi reminds them what the winner will receive: a spread in Elle, a new Saturn (natch!), the chance to sell their collection on Bluefly.com, one year’s representation from something called the Designers’ Management Agency, and $100,000. Mango is trying to figure out in his head how much ORGANZA he can buy with $100,000.
They speak to the designers one-by-one. Jillian tells them how she was inspired by the final challenge – the “Master of the Argonauts” painting. Michael Kors praises her collection as “feminine” and “modern”. Posh says everything was made “beautifully”, and Heidi loves the new shapes she has created (which will happen when you utilize mop heads).
But Negative Nina has lost her Champagne buzz – and is determined to kill everyone else’s buzz too. She says Jillian’s collection is a little “disjointed”, with “too many inspirations”. Nina is the “Debbie Downer” of fashion.
Next up is Mango – who is uncharacteristically tongue-tied and nervous. Michael says Mango’s collection was “powerful” and showed “chic drama”. He says the two-tone dress was “Spec-Tac-U-Lar”, like it was 4 separate words. Mango is loosening up a little. Posh couldn’t praise the collection enough – she loved every minute of it, and it even made her smile (which ain’t easy). But then she pronounced him “major”, which is the equivalent of “fierce” in MangoSpeak – and Mango has his magic back. Even Debbie Downer Nina can’t mess with Mango now!
Rami is last. Heidi LOVES his collection, which is the kiss of death because Nina and Michael consider Heidi to be German and tacky. Michael wasn’t a fan of Rami’s “Brady Bunch Colors”. I didn’t realize Marcia and Jan wore olive green…
The designers go backstage so the judges can make a decision – but how hard can it be? Mango is the winner bitches…let’s get moving here! Even Nina had good things to say – Mango “opened strong”, and “delivered constantly” – but then again, she was drunk during the show. Victoria Beckham runs out of adjective after using “cool”, stylish, “young”, and “breath of fresh air”. Posh wants to take a big bite out of our little Mango!
The Tranny Trio trot back out for their final judgment…
Jillian is out, and we get one last mumble: “ … disappointed … mumble, mumble … let down … mumble, mumble … wouldn’t do it differently …”. Buh-bye. I have to say, I like Jillian a lot better now, than I did at the beginning of the season.
It’s now down to Mango Channing and Rami Harrington (my apologies to those of you who aren’t familiar with All About Eve – but I’m almost finished, so deal with it).
Mango is a MESS, and is tearing up while waiting for the judge’s decision. MANGO WINS PROJECT RUNWAY SEASON FOUR!!!! He hugs Rami, and all the judges smile. Heidi declares him “Uber-Fierce!”, and Posh announces that she wants him to design for her – preferably in a tangerine/kumquat color. He gives her a “have your people call my people” look…
Tim comes out (along with Mango’s Tranny Mess family) and asks Christian: “Do you believe it?!?” Mango’s reply: “Yeah”.
This kid is going places…
Oh my God – it’s over! What do my Dust Bunnies think…should I do recaps of Top Chef??? Not as much gay drama – but drama nonetheless….hmmm......???????
Seriously people, this has been FUN AS SHIT for me. And your comments keep me coming back each week. Thank you for all the love – and just because Project Runway is over, it doesn’t mean you can’t come back and visit DavidDust every once in a while.
Bye…..Love You….Love Your Hair!!!!!!!!!
