Project Runway 9 Ep. 12 - "Ello Govna!"

Last week on Project Runway – BOIDS!! This week on Project Runway – BORING! 

It’s morning in Manhattan and Josh is still complaining about losing 20 Large to Anya. Considering Joshua works the Coat Check at a local gay bar (seriously), I can see why he’s upset. You gotta fetch a lot of Prada jackets in order to make $20,000. 

The final five designers head to the runway – where Heidi announces this is the final challenge. She also announces that a Big Fairy will take them to Governor’s Island… 

Once the Hairy Fairy drops them onto the Island, Tim tells them the challenge: they are to create a three-look collection inspired by Governor’s Island. They are given a golf card and a camera and have one hour to race each other while taking pictures explore and sketch. 

Kimberly is drawn to a sculpture entitled “New Beginning”. Josh is initially inspired by a long, hard, sleek cannon… 

…. which would have been HIGH-larious, but unfortunately Joshua ends up using a church as his inspiration. Where’s the comedy in THAT, Joshua?!? 

Laura sees some circles and can’t get them out of her head. Sounds like Blondie needs an anti-psychotic pill or some Abilfy or something. 

The Big Hairy Fairy then takes the designers back to Manhattan where they head to Mood, and then back to the workroom. 

Tim arrives with the dreaded Button Bag – and announces that the designers will be getting some help. In walks Becky, Olivier, Bryce, Bert and Anthony-Ryan. Tim draws names to determine who will pick their helper first. Here’s how it works out: 

Kimberly – Becky 

Viktor – Olivier 

Laura – Anthony-Ryan 

Anya – Bert 

Josh – Bryce 

Surprisingly, the “assistants” provided very little drama (much to Lifetime’s chagrin, I’m sure). Bryce spent his entire time trying to convince Josh not to do a Mummer’s Parade outfit… 

…and Olivier spent most of his time mumbling about how helping Viktor was just like slavery. Yes, sewing some fabric for a few hours while having your meals catered is EXACTLY like slavery. Ugh. Excuse my Pig Latin, but what a “ittle-lay ick-pray”. 

Day One ends and Day Two begins with a Tim Gunn visit and a model fitting. Josh is still moaning about losing to the “beauty queen” (LET IT GO, girl) and Laura begins to cry every time she starts telling her “I was raised a poor black child”  “I’ve been doing this since I was 8 years old and want it so baaaaaaad” shtick. 

It’s now runway day and Kimberly keeps changing stuff, Josh asks Bryce to handle his “studding process” (I don’t even WANT to know), and one of Anya’s models has her dress on backwards. 

Onto the runway… Heidi introduces the judges: Michael Kors, Nina Friggin Garcia and yet another B-list actress, Zoe Saldana (who was a pretty fabulous judge, btw). 

Sashay, Shantay. My initial impressions were that Josh, Laura and Kimberly were in trouble and Viktor and Anya were not. I was almost right. 

Everyone is asked the traditional “Why should you go to Fashion Week and who would you take with you”. 

Joshua said he would take Viktor and Anya – even though Anya doesn’t know how to sew and is getting by solely on her looks (I’m ad-libbing a little bit here) 

In turn, Anya said she would take Josh to fashion week – presumably to fetch her Prada coat. 

The Judges discuss and bring everybody back out. Anya will be creating a collection, as will Viktor. 

The producers Judges also pick Josh to advance to the finale. 

It comes down to Kimberly and weepy Laura – and Laura is sent home for her circular mess of a collection.

Project Runway 9 Ep. 10 - "That 70's Show"

This week’s episode of Project Runway is all about the 70’s! Just like last week - but with less facial hair!! Presumably!! 

There are 7 designers remaining, and Laura remarks that everyone left can construct clothing – it’s now all about “taste level” and “good Mood trips”. Duuuude, this IS a 70’s challenge… 

After seeing Heidi on the runway, the fashiontestants meet Tim and some Piperlime Lady in the workroom. This week’s challenge will be “Sophisticated 70’s” … 

…as opposed to “Unsophisticated 70’s”… 

Ms. Piperlime and Tim announce that the winning look will be produced and sold on Piperlime.com. Far out! 

The designers get to sketching, and Bert’s all like “I GOT THIS, bitches” since he personally partied his way through the groovy 70’s. 

Josh, on the other hand, is clueless about 70’s fashion. And poor Kimberly – using her mother as her muse – is thinking “sexy secretary”. Oh honey … NO. Nothing fashionable has ever come out of the words “mom”, “sexy” and “secretary” put together. Nothing. 

Everyone heads to Mood, where they have $100 to spend. Everyone except for Anya, who loses her money and then frantically tries to find it (to no avail). Anthony Ryan gives her his leftover $11.50 to purchase one piece of fabric, but otherwise Anya has just bought herself a one-way ticket to Muslin City. 

Back in the workroom, Anya has a huge case of No-Fabric-Sads due to her muslin dilemma. She mentions that muslin is bland like corn flakes, and she needs some “magic dust” so she can keep on truckin’. Anya is obviously getting into the spirit of this 70’s challenge… 

Speaking of sniffing – Josh can’t seem to figure out what he wants to do, so he goes nosing around the other designers. Specifically Viktor. But Viktor knows a jive-ass turkey when he sees one, and announces that he won’t be filming a sequel to Driving Miss Daisy anytime soon… 

Bert, on the other hand, if feeling out of sight - he must have brought the magic dust with him. Bert even jokes with Laura about earning his Halston job on the balcony at Studio 54. For those of you not familiar with the history of New York nightlife, there was no DANCING going on up in the dark Studio 54 balcony – if you smell what I’m stepping in. 

Day #1 ends and #2 begins with a Tim Gunn announcement: they will also be creating a separate, one-piece look. The designers have 15 minutes to sketch and then $50 to spend on a Good Mood Trip. 

At Mood, no one loses money this time, so the designers head back to the workroom so Tim can do his critiques. The highlight here was Tim telling Laura: “You in danger, Girl” when it comes to Nina Friggin Garcia. It seems that Nina has a bit of an issue with Laura’s ‘taste level’. Laura dismisses this – announcing that, if anything, her taste might be “too refined”. Oh honey … much like Mother Nature, you don’t wanna mess with NFG. 

Runway Day arrives and it’s all hair, makeup and last-minute sewing. In the L’Oreal Paris Makeup Salon, Joshua requests a “sun kissed face” for his model. Voila… 

Thank you ladies and gentlemen – I’ll be here all week. 

On the runway, Heidi introduces the judges – Michael Kors, NFG and someone named Olivia Palermo. The theme this season – at least when it comes to guest judges – is “obscure”. 

The models walk the runway, and Nina Friggin Garcia is all side-eye … 

…while Olivia Friggin Palermo looks like she has a sad … 

Commercial break: Christian Siriano wants you Hot Tranny Messes to know that it’s time for Payless. 

It's also time for the judging: 

Kimberly is safe. 

Likee: 

Viktor. Safari. 

Anya. First look cost $11.50. Second look (a jumper) really wowed the judges. 

Balcony Bert. Disco queen. 

No Likee: 

Laura. Prints don’t go together. Also, NFG hates her. Just saying. 

Joshua. NFG: Fabric was “WHORE REN DUSS” and “Tragic”. Michael Kors: pants break every law of fashion from every decade, forever. Josh responds by being Josh (AKA nasty, defensive and dickish). 

Anthony Ryan. I knew that Anthony-Ryan was doomed when he mentioned “weed smoking” as one of his 70’s references (this challenge is more about coke and ‘ludes, FYI). Nina kept saying that his models looked like cult members, and Michael called them “Hippie Sister-Wives”. 

The judges discuss and the designers head backstage so Josh can be Josh and get defensive about how clueless and tacky he is. Same as it ever was. 

Results: 

Anya is the winner and will be starring in the Lifetime Original Movie “The Beauty Queen Who Lost Her Money – A Tale Of Survival”. Her jumper will be produced and sold by Piperlime...

Bert's second look will also be produced and sold, although for some reason he's not the co-winner...

Victor and Laura are in. 

This leaves Joshua and Anthony Ryan. And, as we all know, “douchenozzle” always trumps “nice guy” on Project Runway – so the nice guy is sent home. 

As they would say in the 70’s – “check you later” Anthony Ryan.

.