Last week on The Fashion Show, Fashiontestant Calvin Tran introduced “Oh here go hell come” into the lexicon of reality TV catch phrases. Which ranks right up there with “She’s pooping fabric!” and “I have a culinary boner”.
On this week’s show, it’s morning in New York City Africa . Maybe so, but there are definitely douchebags on The Fashion Show – one of whom is wearing a hat. Also, please remember that this is coming from the guy who wanted to put a noose around Iman’s neck. Amirite?
A note is slipped under the Fashiontestant’s door of the NotAtlas Apartments – telling them to hightail it down to the South Street Seaport. The Seaport is one of those tourist traps that real New Yorkers don’t go to, hence I’ve never been. However, that would change if they would simply open an Arby’s there – adding some delicious roast beef “turf” to the Seaport’s “surf”.
Anywhore, Iman greets the designers at Bodies: The Exhibition– which consists of a bunch of gruesome bodies which look like they’ve been skinned alive. Probably by Iman herself. Our African Queen tells the designer that they must look “within” for inspiration – and will use the inner workings of the human body as their muse. Here is what I would have done ...
The Fashiontestants wander around amidst the blood and guts, taking pictures and getting nauseous inspired. Speaking of inspired, “Straight” David mentions that he is inspired by female genitalia which has “lots of folds”. Or so he’s been told. Then he adds with a nervous giggle - “I love the vagina”. Oh honey, saying it doesn’t make it real. I wake up every morning and say “I have a 30-inch waist”, but that doesn’t change reality.
Everyone returns to the workroom for sketching and “mood boards”, which sounds like something depressed teens make from magazine clippings and hang on their bedroom walls. Question: Why don’t they have mood boards on that OTHER fashion reality show (which shall forever remain nameless)?
Over at "Team Vanity Syx", Calvin is doing a free-association-gibberish monologue about nuclear explosions and darkness. Tamara, sensibly, tries to ask Calvin what in Jeebus’ name explosions have to do with the body? To which Calvin angrily replies “LISTEN TO THE PICTURE!”, which is like asking someone to look at a sound, but whatevs. By the time it’s all said and done, "Team Emerald Psychos" are yelling and screaming at each other until Isaac walks in with his usual “Hello Darlings!”.
Isaac consults with the House of Nami first – and he likes the “darkness” of their ideas. Then he consults with the House of Screaming Banshees – and they got nothin’. They inform Isaac that they can’t come together – so Isaac suggests electing a Head Designer. Isaac also suggests they stop calling themselves the House of Emerald Syx, since they are only five people and will probably be only four after this challenge. Duh.
So the renamed “House of Emerald” decides that Jeffrey will be their Head Designer – since he is “calm”, comes from a big family and offers to “massage” his teammates. With full release. Or something.
On the way out the door, Isaac gives the designers a twist – each look must have a reversible element, which must be revealed on the runwaycatwalk.
The designers go to NotMood for fabric shopping, and return to the workroom at NotParsons. Calvin informs his teammates that he is doing a jacket which turns into a backpack – to which Head Designer Jeffrey gives the side-eye. “You can’t chain my mind now – it done”, Calvin burps.
Day #1 ends, and Day #2 begins – and all of a sudden Tamara “feels a connection” with Calvin. Homegirlsaywhat??? The same Calvin that yelled at you to LISTEN TO THE PICTURE when you asked him a sensible question??? Maybe Tamara meant to say she “feels a HATRED FROM DEEP INSIDE HER GUT” instead of “connection”.
Anywhore, CinNessa (I can’t figure out which one is Cindy and which one is Golnessa – they’re basically the same person anyhow) hates on Tamara’s simple dress. But Tamara ain’t having it, and her new BFF backs her up. Calvin ends up yelling at CinNessa, to which she/they remind him who was on the bottom last week. Head Designer Jeffrey wanders around chanting “Can’t We All Just Get Along” almost as unconvincingly as David’s chants of “I Love Vajayjay”. "Team CalJeffCinNessaEtc" has about as much chance of winning as David does of convincing me he is straight.
This latest eruption of Mt. Calvin
Over on Team Nami, the end of Day #2 is drawing near, and Hathead is wandering around and not doing much work. In fact, he hasn’t done ANY work – and doesn’t have anything to fit on his model until he quickly sews a mini dress that ends up being too tight. Mike has spent most of his time channeling Willow Smith - whipping some thread back and forth onto fabric – which he ends up not using
Eduardo – he of the adorable accent – informs us that in real life he designs men’s clothing for “DEEK-ease” (Dickies). BTW – I could listen to Eduardo talk about his “Yob at DEEK-ease” for hours. In fact, they should do a spin-off: The Fashion Show: Eduardo & His Ultimate DEEK-ease. I would totally watch that … in private, of course.
Toward the end of the day, the House of Emerald inspects their garments – which look like a police lineup of homemade red hooker dresses. The House of Nami also lines up their dresses, which look phenomenal – except for Hathead’s, who still doesn’t have anything. Mike seems to be quickly descending into some kind of dementia and he wanders aimlessly around the workroom – conspicuously NOT sewing. His teammates get nervous because if they don’t have six looks they will loose – so Cesar basically tells Mike to STFU and sew.
That must have been the straw that broke the douchebag’s back. Mike sashays over to his fabric – cuts it into pieces and throws it in the trash - then tips on out the door. This is also known as “Pulling a Seth” in honor (?) of the Top Chef: Just Desserts psychopath who lost his mind and had to leave mid-episode.
The "House of Cute Papis Plus That White Girl Minus The MadHatter" realizes they must create a sixth look. So they spring into action and come up with a last minute creation I like to call “Cesar & His Amazing Technicolor Remnant Dress” – which actually doesn’t look too bad.
It’s Day #3 – runway CATWALK day. The House of Emerald is STILL hating on Tamara’s dress, and since her best friend Calvin is agreeing with them this time, Tamara agrees to add an odd little pleated square to the front of her dress. This is supposedly going to make it look like the rest of the collection {{insert sarcastic side-eye HERE}}. There is also a big fight about wrapping tulle around the model’s heads – which Calvin doesn’t want to do. Maybe Calvin thought they said “rap tools upside Calvin’s head” (which I’m sure the others would LOVE to do). As always, everything dissolves into a shouting match between Calvin and CinNessa, and Calvin vows to cut his finger off. Or something.
The audience and judges enter the NotParson’s auditorium. The guest judge this week is Douglas Friedman – fashion photographer and pornstache wearer.
First up is the House of Emerald and their “Ode to Bloody Ass”. The only look that gets any audience reaction (besides WTF? stares) is Calvin’s Jacket/Backpack/Sleeping Bag/Throw Rug.
The House of Nami is next – but before the models walk, Backstage Stefan has to yell at the designers to “Stop touching your models!”. Yeah, I guess David is exploring his “heterosexuality” again. Although he might actually be straight, because they flash back to a scene in the workroom where David plays the Harmonica. And everyone knows that men who expertly blow on mouth harps are always straight. Right??
The House of Nami’s models walk down the catwalk – and all the looks seem great. David calls his Vajayjay dress “fierce”, which is NOT the best way to convince America
After the show, Isaac and Iman come backstage to talk to the designers. Unsurprisingly, the House of Emerald loses – even though Calvin’s Backback/Tent/Construction Tarp/Dress “had more tricks than a hooker”. My favorite DEEK-ease designer, Eduardo, is the overall winner from the House of Nami with this look ...
The "House of Constant Bickering" goes in front of the judges. Basically it boils down to this: Tamara’s dress was ASS, and Calvin’s personality is ASS (how’s THAT for a recap?). In a shocking twist, the teammates end up screaming at each other. I bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you? But in the end, no one from the "House of STFU Already" goes home, because MadHatter took care of this week’s elimination by walking out.
Finally, Isaac states that troublemaker Calvin will be moving to the House of Nami, switching places with someone from that team. Cesar decides that he will move to the House of Emerald. This is probably a really smart move, because it makes Cesar seem like he stepped up to the plate, when in reality he probably just didn’t want to deal with Calvin’s drama.
In closing, Cesar remarks that he hopes Calvin is able to work with his old teammates. And, if not, Calvin is “just another dramatic Asian queen” – which doesn’t make much sense, but provides me with a fabulous title for this recap.
So, what did YOU think of last night’s episode. Please share your thoughts in the Comments section.
